francesca_long Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 I hope anyone in this forum can advice me as im having such a hard time understanding my husband and our marriage right now. We are married barely a year and yet i already feel so emotionally drained w/ situations thrown my way. My husband has been married twice and im his third wife,this is my first marriage,im 27 and my husband is 43. I fell in love wiht him coz he's a sweet,responsible and loving guy. He has 1 kid from his first marriage and 2 from the second marriage. We are currently having big issues with the second wife,she calls quite often lately and always ask for money on top of what he sends her for the child support,which is quite a big chunk of his salary. Just yesterday she called again and ask money for school supplies and uses the kids to get to my husband. In other words he give in to the demands. I got upset and went to the bedroom,he followed and told me i have no reason to be upset. A big reason why im so upset is i dont even know what goes on with our financial situation coz i dont have access to it,im not working right now and i dont have a checkbook to go around buy things for the house,even doing groceries he wants to be around. I dont get money from him most of the time,he gives me maybe $40 max in a week! I feel no sense of purpose in this house. And when his ex- wife calls he gives in right away. I feel i have all the reason to be upset coz i wanna be part of decisions he makes and MOST of the time i feel left out. He left for work the following day w/out saying good bye and when he gets home he's in such unpleasant mood. I wanted to talk to him and communicate but he just blurted out by saying....it is not my concern if he gives more money to the kids and that he doesn't need my input or approval on anything. It really hurt so bad to hear that and what broke my heart most is when from nowhere he blurts out that....if he has to choose between me or the kids,he will pick his kids. That statement was uncalled for coz i will never put him in a situation like that where he has to chose. There's more problem actually i just can't put it in this post for now,I'm very confused and very hurt and i dont know what to do. Please advice me Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 21, 2004 Share Posted August 21, 2004 Sweetie, I would STRONGLY suggest you get out of the house and start working. I don't know if there's a medical reason you can't work or not....I didn't see anything like that in your post...but if you can work, you should work. Reasons why: * You can have your own income and not be utterly and completely reliant on him to be the breadwinner. * You can expand your social circle outside of your marriage. * You will gain confidence as you gain skills and expertise in something. I don't care what it is! A man with children is a man with HUGE responsibilities. Kids are expensive, there's no getting around. You say he is sweet and responsible; well, his first responsibility IS to his children. They are helpless and rely on adults to take care of them. I understand that you WANT to be part of the decision making process and yes, he should discuss finances with you. You have a right to know where money is going and why. That said, you have absolutely no say whatsover in how much money he chooses to give to his children. He may have tremendous feelings of guilt that his kids had to witness a failed marriage. Sometimes parents over-compensate by spending extra money on their kids. I would cut him some slack in this department. In my opinion, the issue is not money so much as it is communication. You don't want to feel left out and I get that. I would sit down with him and just let him know you feel low on the priority list sometimes. But you do need to understand that children take up a great deal of time and energy. I think taking on a job would be good for your marriage. Tell him you want to help contribute financially to your marriage. What a strain it must be on him! To provide for ex wives, children and now a new wife! Don't you think he may be completely stressed out? Imagine having to provide for all those people... Link to post Share on other sites
Author francesca_long Posted August 21, 2004 Author Share Posted August 21, 2004 Hi Karlise...Thanks for the advice,I forgot to mention that i can't work right now because im still working on my employment certificate with immigration and this takes quite a long time. It's pretty tough for me not being able to work,believe me i feel miserable! I came from The Philippines and i have a career in real estate back there and my own condominium. I never expected this will be the scenario when i get here,when he visited me in PI he didn't tell me much about his kids,he just told me that he gives them support money and that's perfectly understandable. We got married November 2003 and ist week of December we pick up the kids and they stayed for 2 weeks,it was hard for me coz i have never dealt with kids ever in my life,im independent and had never ever thought that i'll ever be in a blended family like what i have now. I have never felt so miserable in my life,not having friends and family around drove me crazy. I have a very conservative background and where i came from we dont believe in divorce and marriage is sacred and treasured. I am working so hard and been praying quite often that God will give me the strenght to be able to understand my husband and be more accepting,but sometimes we have our limits. I want to communicate to him but everytime i tried to he walks away and sez he doen't wanna hear about,oftentimes,i just kept to myself to avoid arguments and just swallow my pride. There are many traits that i see in him that i have never seen before,i tried to embrace it coz i know i married this man for what he is. Another thing,my husband is very jealous and suspicious of almost anything,i have just 3 new friends i have met here and he always ask where i've been,what we talked about,and he checks redials on our phone. This things are hard for me to accept coz it kinda shows he doesn't trust me.... Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 24, 2004 Share Posted August 24, 2004 Ooooh, he's checking up on you? Suspicious of you? That's not good! Is he a controlling kind of person? How long did you know him before you got married? Link to post Share on other sites
StillChillinCookie Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 In my opinion, I think you're jealous of the ex-wife. You think that if she can't have your husband in one way, she might want to take him in another. By money. If this is getting to you. Ask him if you two can take the kids out shopping for school supplies and clothes, let child support do the rest. Being jealous of the ex for no reason. He's with you. It's not that he dosn't trust you, it's just, he is the breadwinner, he might want to have the money in his hand. My fiance is working with immigration also. He is from South America. Not exactly legal. He is the main bread winner in the house. I work 4 jobs, mainly to keep busy and have fun. There are places for you to go to work if you're not supposed to be here (in the US) yet. You could be a maid, work with computers, start your own small buisnes right from your own house. The list goes on. If by chance you can't find a job, which there isn't any reason why you shouldn't be able to, don't stay home all day, get outside, run, go to the mall, just to window shop. Take up a hobby, become confident about something. Confidence always helps any situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author francesca_long Posted August 26, 2004 Author Share Posted August 26, 2004 Hi karlise.....I have known my husband for more that a year before we got maried. Oftentimes i feel that he's controlling me,for instance i do not have a "say" on stuff around the house,if i attemp to try and re-decorate he gives out a comment that he would appreciate it if i'll talk with him about it,i have met friends here and their husband just let them do anything when it comes to beautifying the house. I am working so hard to try and understand him. If i do gardening he wants to know what plants and bulbs i planted! I had to tell him one by one..its crazy! Even my hair color he tries to control on how much highlights i need. He checks and erases my e-mail messages without asking me(yes he knows my password). Could this behaviour of him originates to the fact that since he's been divorce twice and he's becoming hardened? It's not fair for me that im witnessing and in the middle of this insecurities or whatever that he has inside him. Here's a bit of background on what happened to his past marriage,he caught his ex-wife cheating on him and i understand that he probably has a hard time trusting again,how can i make him think that what happened to him before it will not happened with me? I'm trying to build more love into our marriage but his actions just drives me away from him. And also i wanted to have a child but he told me he's done with kids already. But he told me before we got married that we'll have at least one. I'm just 27 and i can't imagine myself not having a child. I am dreading the fact that if this will keep on going we might have to part ways and the thought just bothers me coz i never want to have a failed marriage. But on the other hand,i can't forever be going on like this,is there anything i can do? Do i have to understand him a little more? Is it still healthy to be in this kind of marriage? I dont know what else to do coz deep inside i know i love this man,am i a classic example prisoner of love?????? Link to post Share on other sites
Author francesca_long Posted August 26, 2004 Author Share Posted August 26, 2004 Hi still,thanks for posting....No i am absolutely not jealous nor threatened with his ex-wife. I have seen her and have met her. Mainly,she's a 280 pounder and im size 1,im educated shes not. But the point is,it's just that i dont wanna see that he's taken advantage of by her. She's asking $400 dollars on top of $1000 support money claiming its for school supplies for the two kids which im sure you agree is too much. I dont like the fact that she uses the kids to get to him. I get myself busy,yes,i walk the park in the morning and ride a bike for an hour and i have friends who picks me up once in a while. I'm good in being productive,but as of yet i can't work w/out proper papers coz i wanna do it the right way. I have a business degree and i've always wanted to dabble into business and perhaps start from home. The biggest obstacle is my husband who is not and never will support me on this one and we've already talk about it. Confidence i do have it,but inspiration,no...not right now. Link to post Share on other sites
StillChillinCookie Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 What good is confidence without inspiration? Think about what inspires you. Then do it yourself, don't watch other people and get inspiration from them, get it from yourself! MEANWHILE....Talk to him about taking those kids shopping by yourselves.... I understand you, I think, you are rather submisive in your relationship with him. I also, in mine. However, don't let him tell you know. Tell him that you think it could benifit you AND the kids. Getting to know eachother better. which I think could be quite healthy for you guys as well. Don't mention the money issue to him. but if he asks, don't lie either. Good luck hun. Link to post Share on other sites
meoxas Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 Your situation almost sounds like mine. My husband is 14 years older than me, but the difference here is, he never told me about 2 of his other wives nor the 2 other children he had. He used to get mad at me because the whole child support thing put us in a financial hardship considering him and I have 2 young kids together. If your husband is getting on your case, you don't deserve that. I knew a guy that was that way with his wife, he only gave her a small "allowance" and that was it. I would so not deal with that. It's hard enough having to deal with his past and him choosing over you, and you don't have to be treated like a child as far as the money goes. He needs to talk to his ex and let her know that the money he gives her already is for things like school supplies, hence the words child support...that would be whatever they need. Come on, if he's already paying a grand a month, it's rediculous that she would ask for more. If you want, do what's best for you...get that job from home you want, earn your own money to spend, and be happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Karlise13 Posted August 26, 2004 Share Posted August 26, 2004 He has access to your email? He tells you how many highlights to put in your hair? My Goodness! That's extremely controlling behavior. I understand he's had bad experiences in the past, but that does NOT give him the right to treat you like a child! He needs therapy. WIll he go with you for martial counseling? And he's being extremely unfair to you....telling you wants a child before you get married and then saying no. That's horrible. You sound very unhappy and I would hate to be in such a situation. If he won't go to counseling, you should go yourself and get help sorting through all this. I lived with a very controlling man for about 2 years and I thought I was going to lose my mind. I finally snapped one day, just packed all my stuff and left without a backwards glance. It's your choice.....to give up yourself and your soul and desires...or to be true to yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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