ExMM wants me dead now...

[canuckprincess]

So my exMM recently told me that he wishes me nothing but TERMINAL CANCER for ruining his life by telling his wife about our affair (even though when I confronted her she said she already knew about me and 18 others he's cheated with over the course of their 14 year marriage). He says his wife is leaving him for good this time (we'll see) and his daughter won't speak to him and its all MY fault. I know I played my fair share in contributing to his problems by staying with him after discovering he was married (he said he was divorced when we met) and take full responsibility for my wrongdoing, but they clearly had problems long before me which led to the affair to begin with, along with the affairs with 18 others! HE was the one who cheated, not me. I know he has NPD and they see no wrong in their actions, but to wish I was dead??? Really??

 

Just needed to vent. Anyone else felt hatred like this from their exMM?

 

(On a side note... for those of you OW out there that are thinking you are different and special, think again. I felt the same way a few months ago and never would have imagined this man would wish a terminal illness upon me. Tell his wife about the two of you and see how special you are and how much he loves you.)

 

What a POS he is and if she has allowed him to cheat with 18 different Ap's they are both ****tards! Here's what simple minded stupid people think, they think they can wish bad on you and call it karma. Karma is when you wish something bad on someone and insstead bad things happen to the one with the pure evil thoughts.

 

Six months after dday 1 my mm's wife hoped I'd die a horrible death because I was having surgery. Well I told mm he was married to a monster and he made her take down her posting. Needless to say I didn't die and the surgery went really well. I guess the ony way she felt she could truly get him back was to eliminate me, well no such luck!

 

BTW I thnk you should get a restraining order on your ex mm because of the sorta death threats.

[bentnotbroken]

What a POS he is and if she has allowed him to cheat with 18 different Ap's they are both ****tards! Here's what simple minded stupid people think, they think they can wish bad on you and call it karma. Karma is when you wish something bad on someone and insstead bad things happen to the one with the pure evil thoughts.

 

Six months after dday 1 my mm's wife hoped I'd die a horrible death because I was having surgery. Well I told mm he was married to a monster and he made her take down her posting. Needless to say I didn't die and the surgery went really well. I guess the ony way she felt she could truly get him back was to eliminate me, well no such luck!

 

BTW I thnk you should get a restraining order on your ex mm because of the sorta death threats.

 

 

So she allowed a grown man to act like a teen. She allowed a grown man to not act as if he had no clue in his head at all about being an adult. She allowed a grown man........:confused:Do you really think she had any control over his actions? Does OP have control over his actions? Or like her...can OP only control her own actions. Why is his BS a bazt*rd?

[ThatJustHappened]

It makes you wonder: why is the BS hanging around! It's not love, loyalty, or devotion. It's really a disservice.

 

To whom is it a disservice other than to herself?

[neveragain34]

Usually I don't suggest responding at all.

 

But something about this one was a little extra-special. Narcissists have a HUGE need to be in control and a preference to be worshipped.

 

A response would actually suggest that you aren't shocked by him and that you see him for being the biggest loser he possibly can be. As well, I doubt anyone, even his mistresses have given him a low blow in awhile. Sh*t-brick him. Let yourself go just this once to hit him gut-level. As long as he has that terminal cancer text out there, he thinks he's got the most bitter last word leaving him in control.

 

My Dad was a HUGE narcissist. When you realize what they are, they shrink a lot in their might and power. You can even learn to play one like a fiddle if you are in the need to for some reason. Honestly, escorts are mostly for this brand of men. Paid temporary worship. Seriously. They love to hold the strings tightly. I'm not saying to dunk yourself in the reinvolvement tank. Just one swift blow to the gut.

 

Also end it with: "Don't bother responding. I'm not the least bit curious as to what lame, whiny, baby comeback you'd have to say. No one who knew you would think you were worth remembering. Get a real hobby like musical theatre or something. Anything is better than trying to get to me and pitch a fit."

 

See, nothing is harder than not just rejection but total, infinite not even worth thinking back to or even worth it in the future remembering. He becomes nothing to the person that in his mind "destroyed his life."

 

Seriously, he won't look at it as a childish temper-tantrum in return because that's how he operates. He thinks he got the last blow in, that last scrimping bit of power. But since he's SOOOO hooked on that, it's really easy to snap back and then disappear. NPDs fume about stuff like that. Let him have no peace. You can't tell me that he doesn't deserve it. LOL

 

God I'd love to talk to his BW and really pull her from the trauma bonding/codependent crap she tells herself. I went to a group full of them for a long time. Some of them really stagnate until someone decides their husband is wasting their life. Then she starts looking good etc and one by one the group started pitching the husbands that didn't shape up. It was pretty cool.

 

I'm done exchanging words with him; he's not worth my time anymore. It's emotionally exhausting and I just want to move on. Plus, I'm not sure it's a good idea to push the buttons of a narcissist anymore than I already have; I've read they can be very mean. Following the terminal illness wish, he also told me that he's considered revenge upon me for telling his wife. He is so full of hate and anger that should be directed towards himself, not just me. Upsetting as it is, the more I think about it, I'm glad he told me all of this. It really does help the healing process.

 

Coming here has also been extremely helpful! Just when I'm beginning to doubt myself or feel guilty for my actions, instead of judging me, you all have been great in reminding me what an immature, selfish POS he is and I did the right thing telling her everything. Thank you for that!

[neveragain34]

...why would I tell her about me? He's my friend. Friends don't tell each other's secrets.

 

According to my exMM, I was the "best friend" he never had and he felt like he had known me forever and had told me more about himself than even his wife knew. Ha! Now he wants me dead. What a great friend.

 

Oh the things we believe when we are in the affair "fog".

[stevie_23]

Most women would not put up with a serial cheater, and would leave. There are some women, however, that have a fear of the unknown, or a fear of loss of support for themselves or their children, and so they stay in an unfaithful marriage.

 

Yes, this is my ex-MM’s wife. Found out about me and him 4 separate times over almost 2 years. Each time she’s deleted his email accounts, taken his phone, laptop away, etc, but they’ve never actually talked about it. I think deep down she knows he isn’t happy there and has wanted to be with me for so long, but can’t for practical reasons. If they discussed it, she would hear things she didn’t want to hear. She doesn’t even know of his relationship history and has never seemed interested.

[bentnotbroken]

Yes, this is my ex-MM’s wife. Found out about me and him 4 separate times over almost 2 years. Each time she’s deleted his email accounts, taken his phone, laptop away, etc, but they’ve never actually talked about it. I think deep down she knows he isn’t happy there and has wanted to be with me for so long, but can’t for practical reasons. If they discussed it, she would hear things she didn’t want to hear. She doesn’t even know of his relationship history and has never seemed interested.

 

 

Yet he does know and each time after d-day he stays. How is that wanting to be with you?

[bentnotbroken]

I can't stand women like this. Let him go! He's already gone! Open the door for a new chapter in the lives of all concerned, I say.

 

 

 

Preach on...

 

 

Yet he stays. There are fOM here who didn't stay when their wives didn't kick them out. It does not matter how much you preach, without a backbone one shouldn't expect someone else to use theirs because one is too weak to grow one.

[stevie_23]

Yet he does know and each time after d-day he stays. How is that wanting to be with you?

 

What? Yes, each time after D-day he has stayed with me. I am the OW in his situation. His wife is who keeps finding out and that's why he's had 4 D-days. But yes, after each of them (until the last one), he had stayed with me. That IS showing he wanted to be with me, isn't it? I'm confused by your post. lol

[stevie_23]

Yet he stays. There are fOM here who didn't stay when their wives didn't kick them out. It does not matter how much you preach, without a backbone one shouldn't expect someone else to use theirs because one is too weak to grow one.

 

Ah yes. I do agree with this to an extent.

 

This is what I used to find a constant source of tension between me and him. He planned to leave his partner (who wasn't his wife yet) but had to get enough money first. He had no job at all and no way of making a stable income for a while. Also, because he lived with her and her 3 adult children (who also didn't have jobs), anything he DID make was put into the "family" account to support them as a "unit", so...yeah. He never had his own money. I used to HATE this, but hey, at the end of the day it was none of my business.

 

Anyway, so each time we'd have our time together interrupted due to his wife being around, I'd accuse him of not loving me enough to leave so we could be together. I was quite demanding at times.

 

6 months ago he got really sick and was in the hospital for a week. His health will never be quite the same now, he's 61 years old, I'm 34, he had to marry his wife so he could get on her employer's health insurance to cover the $20,000 medical bills he had, and he has to stay with her so she can take care of him when he gets older and his health declines further.

 

Truth is, I don't want to be a carer at age 45 and I don't want to be a widow at age 55. I can't even support myself in terms of my income so couldn't support both of us. I have no health insurance and if he came here to be with me neither would he. I am also still with my "real life" long term partner and so not even able to properly be with him.

 

So...from his point of view, it was better for him and basically necessary for his stability and survival to stay with his wife. It's not always about having no backbone.

[neveragain34]

What? Yes, each time after D-day he has stayed with me. I am the OW in his situation. His wife is who keeps finding out and that's why he's had 4 D-days. But yes, after each of them (until the last one), he had stayed with me. That IS showing he wanted to be with me, isn't it? I'm confused by your post. lol

 

He stayed with BOTH of you. He's a cake-eater. If he was truly "with" you, there would be no more d-days, as there would be nothing to discover if they weren't together.

[stillafool]

OP I didn't read this entire thread but he is just angry with you because you were the one to break the camels back. His wife has probably taken him back after his past affairs and now she's had enough and doesn't want him anymore. The old stuff he used to get her back before is just like a dull knife. It just ain't cutin it! Good for her!

[Lillyfree]

can't be pleasant to get those sort of wishes... but they're just words.

like the nice things he said to you were just words.

 

good riddance

[dreamingoftigers]

Sounds like you and your MM just use each other as some kind of fantasy escape from the reality of your problems.

 

I think that whole post just reeked of narcissism, not having a backbone or decency or any sense what loving is. Completely messed.

[dreamingoftigers]

There's the ever popular response.....

"Sticks and Stones, Buddy"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"Shove them up your a++.":eek:

[Lillyfree]

There's the ever popular response.....

"Sticks and Stones, Buddy"

 

 

 

 

 

"Shove them up your a++.":eek:

 

QFT

 

and, mwahaha

[stevie_23]

Sounds like you and your MM just use each other as some kind of fantasy escape from the reality of your problems.

 

Well, that's a little harsh. I wouldn't say we USED each other at all. We WERE an escape from reality, sure, but we were also very much in love nonetheless.

[dreamingoftigers]

I'm done exchanging words with him; he's not worth my time anymore. It's emotionally exhausting and I just want to move on. Plus, I'm not sure it's a good idea to push the buttons of a narcissist anymore than I already have; I've read they can be very mean. Following the terminal illness wish, he also told me that he's considered revenge upon me for telling his wife. He is so full of hate and anger that should be directed towards himself, not just me. Upsetting as it is, the more I think about it, I'm glad he told me all of this. It really does help the healing process.

 

Coming here has also been extremely helpful! Just when I'm beginning to doubt myself or feel guilty for my actions, instead of judging me, you all have been great in reminding me what an immature, selfish POS he is and I did the right thing telling her everything. Thank you for that!

 

NA34. I didn't think you'd push his buttons.

 

It was nice to live vicariously through your thread on low sleep for 15 or so minutes.

 

Of course it isn't healthy to do so. Honestly most narcissists are childish chickens that wear super-hero clothing. Bark much worse that the bite. But every now and then, one of them blows a gasket. It makes far more sense to focus on your security and well-being. I just know if I had the opportunity just this particular instance, I am pretty sure I couldn't resist. But 99.99% of other types of situations with negative or unhealthy implications I would too.

 

Best of luck!

[bentnotbroken]

Ah yes. I do agree with this to an extent.

 

This is what I used to find a constant source of tension between me and him. He planned to leave his partner (who wasn't his wife yet) but had to get enough money first. He had no job at all and no way of making a stable income for a while. Also, because he lived with her and her 3 adult children (who also didn't have jobs), anything he DID make was put into the "family" account to support them as a "unit", so...yeah. He never had his own money. I used to HATE this, but hey, at the end of the day it was none of my business.

 

Anyway, so each time we'd have our time together interrupted due to his wife being around, I'd accuse him of not loving me enough to leave so we could be together. I was quite demanding at times.

 

6 months ago he got really sick and was in the hospital for a week. His health will never be quite the same now, he's 61 years old, I'm 34, he had to marry his wife so he could get on her employer's health insurance to cover the $20,000 medical bills he had, and he has to stay with her so she can take care of him when he gets older and his health declines further.

 

Truth is, I don't want to be a carer at age 45 and I don't want to be a widow at age 55. I can't even support myself in terms of my income so couldn't support both of us. I have no health insurance and if he came here to be with me neither would he. I am also still with my "real life" long term partner and so not even able to properly be with him.

 

So...from his point of view, it was better for him and basically necessary for his stability and survival to stay with his wife. It's not always about having no backbone.

 

You're right...in this case it is no backbone and a leech like mentality. I do hope you two end up together. It seems to be a compatibility there that no one else should have to met.

[stevie_23]

Oh wow. Even harsher words.

 

I do see your point though.

[stevie_23]

He mentioned something about that at the time. There was some reason why this wasn't going to be enough. His costs were incurred by a specialist and something or other.

 

Also, the marriage thing wasn't 100% just for financial reasons. His wife had been wanting to get married for ages. He didn't want to and had turned her down the year before. But he needed someone to take care of him in the next few years. As I said, he's 61 now. He knows he can't come to me...so he needs to stay there with her. Leech or not, that's just how it is.

[truthbetold]

Well, that's a little harsh. I wouldn't say we USED each other at all. We WERE an escape from reality, sure, but we were also very much in love nonetheless.

 

Do you have any friends that know of him and supported you and thought this was sane? I ask because any of my friends would have knocked me into next Tuesday and rightfully so. How can you carry on a relationship for 2 years and never meet and profess love?

 

I understand online v well. I met my husband online. The difference is within 6mos we were married. We met within 6 weeks. He relocated as I was several states away. He sold his house, things that are supposedly so unsurmountable. We've been together over 7 years so it wasn't all rushing in etc... Sometimes you do know what you know and take that leap because all of the words are backed with the actions and there's no discrepancies. My best friend still thought I was a little nuts in the beginning stages, after she met him she completely got it though.

 

But I urge you to really look at what you're calling love and think long and hard, because if you really define what he did, videos and all as "sharing" himself and giving himself body and soul as love....well I don't know what else to say.

 

How could he really be there for you? He couldn't warm your car, bring you soup. You couldn't come rushing to his arms if you had a crap day at work. He couldn't rush with you to the hospital if you found out your mom suddenly collapsed and then later died. He was as Alexandria said a distraction. Love is a more than a feeling, it's a verb it's combined actions of all the tons of little things that you do and are done for one another. It's putting each other first. (when you BOTH do that it works because of the reciprocity) I could go on and on about the tiny little things that exemplify and strengthen the bond and the love and it just cannot be sustained "online". It takes real interactions, day to day living. The butterflies he can still give you years later. The annoyance of shaven whiskers in the sink The challenges life throws at you, aside from making the sweet love that bonds deeper. So without all that how can it be "love".

 

I'm sorry you're in pain. But I hope you figure out why perhaps you fear deep intimacy that this long distance affair was love to you. I don't doubt you felt what you perceived love, but it's so much more than a "feeling". And no matter how many hours you viewed of him, it cannot compare to real time F2F interactions showing nuances etc...

Edited January 16, 2013 by truthbetold

[stevie_23]

I do understand and agree with you.

 

I think because he and I were much the same in what we COULD give and share with each other, I felt it was love. I do still think it was love. That won’t change. I don’t mind if people disagree. Many people have online-only affairs that last a lot longer than mine and they never meet. It’s still love. A form of it anyway.

 

Believe me, we WANTED to be there to experience the whiskers in the sink, the running into each other’s arms after a hard day. When he got sick all I wanted to do was be there by his bedside in hospital. I’ve had some hard times throughout our relationship and he was there for me 100% in all the ways that he could be, within our restrictive situation.

 

I met my long term real life partner online too. First 9 months we were only online (and didn’t even talk on the phone or see each other, apart from a few photos), and then we met for the first time in person. Flew back and forth several times over the next few months until she moved to my city to be closer. Been together 11.5 years. I don’t feel that our love during those first 9 months was any LESS than our love after that, or now even. Obviously it is deeper and more familiar now, but it was still real before we met. And I don’t just say that from this much later, down-the-track perspective either.

 

My ex and I would have met in person if we lived closer. We live literally across the planet from each other. We did intend to try to meet for quite some time before he got sick. He intended to leave his partner (now-wife) and move out on his own, get a new job, so he could work towards coming to visit me here. Then we’d see how things went. If we still truly wanted to be together, I’d have had some tough decisions to make.

[truthbetold]

So my exMM recently told me that he wishes me nothing but TERMINAL CANCER for ruining his life by telling his wife about our affair (even though when I confronted her she said she already knew about me and 18 others he's cheated with over the course of their 14 year marriage). He says his wife is leaving him for good this time (we'll see) and his daughter won't speak to him and its all MY fault. I know I played my fair share in contributing to his problems by staying with him after discovering he was married (he said he was divorced when we met) and take full responsibility for my wrongdoing, but they clearly had problems long before me which led to the affair to begin with, along with the affairs with 18 others! HE was the one who cheated, not me. I know he has NPD and they see no wrong in their actions, but to wish I was dead??? Really??

 

Just needed to vent. Anyone else felt hatred like this from their exMM?

 

(On a side note... for those of you OW out there that are thinking you are different and special, think again. I felt the same way a few months ago and never would have imagined this man would wish a terminal illness upon me. Tell his wife about the two of you and see how special you are and how much he loves you.)

 

Hate is rooted in fear. I'm sorry you had to learn such a tough lesson, but it seems you gained some valuable insights. A man who cheats is broken inside. It may have been a reflection on you as well at "one time" that doesn't mean it needs to define your future. Take those words as white noise and I wish you peace in healing.

[neveragain34]

I do understand and agree with you.

 

I think because he and I were much the same in what we COULD give and share with each other, I felt it was love. I do still think it was love. That won’t change. I don’t mind if people disagree. Many people have online-only affairs that last a lot longer than mine and they never meet. It’s still love. A form of it anyway.

 

Believe me, we WANTED to be there to experience the whiskers in the sink, the running into each other’s arms after a hard day. When he got sick all I wanted to do was be there by his bedside in hospital. I’ve had some hard times throughout our relationship and he was there for me 100% in all the ways that he could be, within our restrictive situation.

 

I met my long term real life partner online too. First 9 months we were only online (and didn’t even talk on the phone or see each other, apart from a few photos), and then we met for the first time in person. Flew back and forth several times over the next few months until she moved to my city to be closer. Been together 11.5 years. I don’t feel that our love during those first 9 months was any LESS than our love after that, or now even. Obviously it is deeper and more familiar now, but it was still real before we met. And I don’t just say that from this much later, down-the-track perspective either.

 

My ex and I would have met in person if we lived closer. We live literally across the planet from each other. We did intend to try to meet for quite some time before he got sick. He intended to leave his partner (now-wife) and move out on his own, get a new job, so he could work towards coming to visit me here. Then we’d see how things went. If we still truly wanted to be together, I’d have had some tough decisions to make.

 

I'm so confused right now?!?! I must have missed the part in the beginning where you mentioned you have never actually met this old sickly man in person. His wife not leaving him makes sense now. She is letting him have his online fun with a younger woman because she knows nothing will ever come of it. I also noticed you referred to your current partner as "she". Does this mean you are bisexual? I have a couple of friends who are confused about their sexual identity and I've also noticed that these same friends have a ton of other problems in life due to this. Please don't take this the wrong way, but from what you've said, I think you would benefit from IC. Any OW, myself included, could probably use counseling, but the fact that he's so much older, you've never met but consider it "love", and you are in a relationship with a female at the same time all point to underlying issues and perhaps confusion. I could be wrong, as I've only skimmed through everything and don't have all the info. Whatever the case, I wish you the best! :-)

 

Now can we get back to MY issues?? Just kidding!