How do I face the future without the love of my life?

[Legally Blonde]

I am having a very hard time getting over the love of my life. My story is very long but I will try to make it as short as possible. If anyone out there has any words of wisdom that may help I would appreciate your help.

 

First of all, The person I'm in love with has been a good friend for 21 years. We first met in the 9th grade. He was crazy about me back then. We never went out in high school but we were close. I broke his heart when I became pregnant and got married while I was in high school. We went our seperate ways, often running into each other because we live in the same town.

 

I got married so young, I tried to make the best of the situation, I finished high school and over a period of years I had 3 more children and finished nursing school. About 10 years ago, My family started going to a different church. My friend also went to that church. He was married and didn't have any children. Three years ago he and his wife had a child after being married for 10 years.

 

Over all the years I tried to make the best of the situation, only thinking about what could have been. My husband of 20 years never participated in anything that the children and I were involved in. He never went to church with us, didn't go to school events, etc. All of this time, His wife never participated in anything that he did. He would bring their son to church without her, he always had the child, the wife was and is very anti-social and mostly spends her time shopping.

 

He sits behind me in church and beside me in Sunday School. We have become closer than ever. We started calling each other at work and when we were alone. We started sharing our feelings for each other. One day we shared a kiss and much more. We have given each other so much love, passion, support, and attention for the last 18 months. I know that he is my soul mate. I have never felt this way about another man. I only wish that I could have felt this way about him in high school. He often tells me," We can't cry over spilled milk."

 

I came to realize several months ago that if I was ever going to be happy, I was going to have to divorce my husband and end the 20 year marriage from hell. So, I'm in the middle of a divorce. About 6 weeks into my divorce I was told by my friend that he could no longer keep doing this. He said that it was just something on the inside and that he just needed to be my friend. He has told me for the last 18 months that I was his soul mate, that he has loved me for 21 years and and that he only married his wife only because I was already married.

 

He told me that he wasn't in love with his wife and that he was not happily married. He also told me that if he didn't want to lose custody of his son and he didn't want lose his business that he has worked so hard for. He is the primary caregiver for his son and he bought the business before he was married. I have tried to tell him that in court it would not turn out in her favor. I know that he and his wife have only had sex 2 times since Christmas. He tells me everything. He even told me that his wife doesn't not turn him on, there is no passion and that it is only sex, not making love.

 

He said that he only needs me as a friend now, and he reminds me that in the beginning that we agreed to always be friends no matter what happened in our relationship. We still talk to each other on the phone. He calls me nearly every day and sometimes I call him. He says that he doesn't know what the future holds but that if he and his wife ever split up that he is coming for me. He tells me that his feelings for me haven't changed and that his feelings for his wife haven't changed. He tells me that everything is the same at home," The same old thing."

 

I have been having trouble keeping my feelings to myself, I often remind him that I love him and that I would love to be in his arms and I would love to see him. It always seems to stress him out and I end up pushing him further away. He has always said he has to take it one day at a time and he likes a positive happy attitude. It is very hard to stay positive and not get depressed.

 

He used to fuss about his wife never cooking and only wanting to go out to eat and shopping 7 days a week. Ever since he decided to only be my friend he takes his wife out to eat 5 nights out of 7 and he goes shopping with her. He has never seen the use in decorating and spending money on little things in the house the way she has for years but now he is helping her re-decorate rooms that she just decorated 2 years ago and helping her pick out new furniture.

 

I don't understand, I don't know how to feel, I don't know what to expect, I don't know how to react. I try to tell myself that he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn't need me anymore, and that he is trying to be happy with his wife. I feel like he is just trying to deal with a lot of guilt and that he can make up for the guilt by pretending to be happily married. I still go to church with him. He expects me to smile, be happy, have a friendly attitude and never show my feelings. I can't help but cry. It hurts so bad. I am having to walk away from my dreams, my hopes, my future, and everything that I have longed for. I know the affair situation is wrong in the eyes of the church, and I am not proud of it, but I have prayed about it and sometimes I feel like there is no hope. I feel so lonely.

 

I tell myself everyday that I am not going to call him today. I tell myself that if I could just avoid him, that time will heal my heart. I have also thought about changing churches so I wouldn't see him 3 times a week. He has begged me not to change churches and as sure as I make it almost through the day without calling him.... he calls me. While I was typing this message, I recieved a call from him. He just wanted to say Hi. He tells me that I am his best friend in the world, and that we a special friends.

 

What am I suppose to do? Do I continue to cry myself to sleep and smile in public and never let him know how much pain I am in? Do I take the chance that one day he will stop pretending with his wife and that they will get a divorce? Please tell me what you would do. Please tell me what you think.

[Legally Blonde]

Is there anybody out there?

[Mr Spock]

He said that he only needs me as a friend now, and he reminds me that in the beginning that we agreed to always be friends no matter what happened in our relationship. We still talk to each other on the phone. He calls me nearly every day and sometimes I call him. He says that he doesn't know what the future holds but that if he and his wife ever split up that he is coming for me. He tells me that his feelings for me haven't changed and that his feelings for his wife haven't changed. He tells me that everything is the same at home," The same old thing."

 

 

BULLSH*T!!!! He's f*cked up your life. Return the favour. Don't return to your marriage if you hate it.

 

 

He's keeping you around in case things DO get bad enough to leave his wife, he wants you to cushion the fall. Do not allow this man to contact you any more. Like an emotional air bag.

 

Rage, hurt, scream-just don't let him play you, anymore. Tell him if he continues to try and be your friend after giving you the ROYAL screw, that you will tell his wife.

 

He has lied to you. I'm sorry, but he has. More to follow.

[moimeme]

He is the primary caregiver for his son and he bought the business before he was married. I have tried to tell him that in court it would not turn out in her favor. I know that he and his wife have only had sex 2 times since Christmas. He tells me everything. He even told me that his wife doesn't not turn him on, there is no passion and that it is only sex, not making love.

 

If someone had written an 'Idiot's Guide to Infidelity' (assuming nobody has yet), that would be the script the book would have in it for the man to use on the OW. It's been spoken millions of times by millions of cheating husbands, almost exactly verbatim.

 

Which is why, no matter how much of a 'soulmate' you think you have, if he is married you should flee as fast as you foots can carry you and never, ever look back.

 

Now you're hooked on someone you can't have. Your choices are taking sloppy seconds for years and never having a genuine relationship or cutting your losses, taking your knocks, and learning not to ever do something so foolish again.

 

Unless a man has the cojones to end the 'bad marriage', he's too gutless to be worth falling for and *nobody* should allow such a critter into her heart or her pants.

[Mr Spock]

Another thought

 

MOST men "have sex" they don't "make love" so all this boils down to is he still bangs his wife.

 

I'm sorry for you hon. He sounds like a real taintlicker.

[Legally Blonde]

Just to make it clear.....I am getting a divorce. No matter how this frienship thing turns out. My marriage is over and I will never go back to my X.

[surfergirl]

Don't walk away from this RUN...... I too am divorced and believe me you will be better off without all the "drama" as some put it. My ex walked away from his family for a younger girl..... I put a PI on him and got the goods and won everything in the divorce.....the gf wanted a life like mine and when he explained he wasn't trading one family to start another she ran like h*ll.

 

For a few it works out but not many. Don't be his "call girl". If he wanted to be with you he would have filed too. He's feeding you all kind of lines to keep you in the background. Don't be "plan B".

 

You don't want to be the talk of your church or town - if this gets out people will talk. Do you want that to be the reason he files because his "secret" got out???

Pick yourself up off the floor and start your life again. Don't beat yourself up because you fell in love but "chaulk" this one up to bad timing.

 

You'll be fine, in time. Divorce is like a death - mourn a little for what has happened and eventually you will "living" again.

 

I'm here for you

[Legally Blonde]

Just an update on this very old story. I wrote the original text on August 21st. On August 29th I recieved a phone call from the man of my dreams, he ask me to please come over to his home. I had never been to "their " home and I wasn't sure what would happen if I went over there. However, I did go over there, his wife was home she told me that he had told her all about the 18 month affair that we had. She told me they were getting a divorce. She told me that he said he loved me. She ask me if I loved him too. Of course I said YES! and the rest is history. I'm divorced, he is divorced, we have been together ever since and we are truely in love.

[SummerRae]

THAT'S WONDERFUL LEGALLY BLONDE!! I'm so glad to hear that there was a happy ending to your love story. I wish you nothing but the best and keep us posted!!