Why do you non-virgins say these things?

[Friendless-Virgin]

It was a lot worse when I was young. People would say things like: "Don't worry, you'll get a girlfriend one day. Even if you don't believe in it now."

 

The most annoying and hurthful thing I ever heard was from my female cousin. She had just broken up with one of her boyfriends. I never understand how normal folks can find a new partner every few years and convince themselves they met their soulmate. She told me: "Relationships suck, you have no idea, you break up, you argue, you fight, and it hurts." I just felt like throwing acid on her face. I wished I'd ask her why she just doesn't stop dating then.

 

Why do you non virgins say these things. Is it out of tradition or are you all bullies?

[dreamingoftigers]

No, it's out if the stupid notion that somehow cliches will make you feel better.

 

" there are many fish in the sea"

"alls well that ends well"

"c'est la vie"

"it just wasn't meant to be"

 

I hate the last one the most. That one pisses me off. It suggests that the magical hand of fate took away choices making something "not meant to be."

 

Like when my ex took off shortly before our wedding or when I had a miscarriage.

 

Oh I get it, nothing influenced it. It wasn't because my ex was an *******. It just wasn't "meant to be" so 2.5 years of my life are completely excusable now because somehow his choices were exactly how fate would have picked. So he's some kind of super-hero now for bailing. Got it.

 

And my child just "wasn't meant to be." She was just "meant to be" partially made and discarded from my body so that I could post on a thread bitching about cliches years later, thanks fate! Good job! If she was "meant to be" I would've been to busy being a mom of two go post up on this thread!

 

"Moral of the story"

 

People say dumb insensitive sh*t because they think they are helping when it really makes you feel more isolated. They want you to feel better and take off your cloak of shame but really it just says to you: you aren't like me, I've got something different and right now fate's got my back.

 

Well it doesn't. We all fall right the **** flat on our faces. Look at Mitt Romney. He "has it all" and he still set himself up for arrogance and public embarrassment. Granted it probably isn't as crap as you feel being a virgin and all but yours probably wasn't as crap as losing a baby neither.

 

But honestly, there's a billion ways to bust a nut in a girl yet. Figure out what your obstacle is to getting one and then do everything possible under the Sun to get there. Even if you have to rent space in Times Square.

[Esoteric Elf]

It was a lot worse when I was young. People would say things like: "Don't worry, you'll get a girlfriend one day. Even if you don't believe in it now."

 

The most annoying and hurthful thing I ever heard was from my female cousin. She had just broken up with one of her boyfriends. I never understand how normal folks can find a new partner every few years and convince themselves they met their soulmate. She told me: "Relationships suck, you have no idea, you break up, you argue, you fight, and it hurts." I just felt like throwing acid on her face. I wished I'd ask her why she just doesn't stop dating then.

 

Why do you non virgins say these things. Is it out of tradition or are you all bullies?

People have the uncanny pechant for denying the contentedness of their situation in favor for another. Never satisfied, the situation opposing their present one is always the better of the two. Children raised by too-conservative parents will initially react (and vice versa), singles will bemoan loneliness, and many in relationships will similarly decry the drama and such. Not being able to find the happiness expected and immediately claiming the situation is the root (and, consequently, the opposite situation must have happiness) is as ignorant as it is shallow. Learn to be content notwithstanding circumstance.

[the_entertainer1]

It was a lot worse when I was young. People would say things like: "Don't worry, you'll get a girlfriend one day. Even if you don't believe in it now."

 

The most annoying and hurthful thing I ever heard was from my female cousin. She had just broken up with one of her boyfriends. I never understand how normal folks can find a new partner every few years and convince themselves they met their soulmate. She told me: "Relationships suck, you have no idea, you break up, you argue, you fight, and it hurts." I just felt like throwing acid on her face. I wished I'd ask her why she just doesn't stop dating then.

 

Why do you non virgins say these things. Is it out of tradition or are you all bullies?

 

I'm not disagreeing with you, but just wondering why you think it is only non virgins who say these things?

 

Also, I think that people say those things because they either:

a) believe it to actually be true

b) choose not to take responsibility for their own lives and their own happiness

c) try to bring other people down, to share their negativity with them.

[Big Blue Box]

No, it's out if the stupid notion that somehow cliches will make you feel better.

 

" there are many fish in the sea"

"alls well that ends well"

"c'est la vie"

"it just wasn't meant to be"

 

I hate the last one the most. That one pisses me off. It suggests that the magical hand of fate took away choices making something "not meant to be."

 

Like when my ex took off shortly before our wedding or when I had a miscarriage.

 

Oh I get it, nothing influenced it. It wasn't because my ex was an *******. It just wasn't "meant to be" so 2.5 years of my life are completely excusable now because somehow his choices were exactly how fate would have picked. So he's some kind of super-hero now for bailing. Got it.

 

And my child just "wasn't meant to be." She was just "meant to be" partially made and discarded from my body so that I could post on a thread bitching about cliches years later, thanks fate! Good job! If she was "meant to be" I would've been to busy being a mom of two go post up on this thread!

 

"Moral of the story"

 

People say dumb insensitive sh*t because they think they are helping when it really makes you feel more isolated. They want you to feel better and take off your cloak of shame but really it just says to you: you aren't like me, I've got something different and right now fate's got my back.

 

Well it doesn't. We all fall right the **** flat on our faces. Look at Mitt Romney. He "has it all" and he still set himself up for arrogance and public embarrassment. Granted it probably isn't as crap as you feel being a virgin and all but yours probably wasn't as crap as losing a baby neither.

 

But honestly, there's a billion ways to bust a nut in a girl yet. Figure out what your obstacle is to getting one and then do everything possible under the Sun to get there. Even if you have to rent space in Times Square.

 

Agreed. I like to call them "Touch Feely Bulls&*^y sayings" and people use them to feel like they have helped when in fact they are simply empty words being repeated by someone that doesn't understand what the person is going through. Many times they also don't care. For example for a good part of my life I heard "Don't go looking for someone. Just wait and they will come to you when you least expect it." Yeah right, wish I never believed that one at all. Plus the others I have heard were "Happiness comes from within, not from without" and "You can choose to be happy." Like those help someone feel better.

[dreamingoftigers]

Agreed. I like to call them "Touch Feely Bulls&*^y sayings" and people use them to feel like they have helped when in fact they are simply empty words being repeated by someone that doesn't understand what the person is going through. Many times they also don't care. For example for a good part of my life I heard "Don't go looking for someone. Just wait and they will come to you when you least expect it." Yeah right, wish I never believed that one at all. Plus the others I have heard were "Happiness comes from within, not from without" and "You can choose to be happy." Like those help someone feel better.

 

The one's about happiness are really great right after a breakup, death or suicide attempt.

 

The one's I hear about suicide are just sickening: I was suicidal when I was younger.

 

"that's foolish"

"that's cowardly"

"that's taking the easy way out"

"that's selfish"

"you just want attention"

 

So now on top of the fact that I truly want to die and have tried it, I get to be insulted to? Great just great, so now not only am I not the dead loser I wanted to be, I am also selfish, foolish, lazy, coward who just wants attention. Yay.... Way to help someone in clear psychological distress cope with underlying shame. Maybe the company that is kept by someone suicidal might have something to do with their self-worth being eroded some of the time.

 

I remember one poster came on here saying her brother committed suicide and that it was "the stupidest thing he ever did" and all he did was "hurt the family" and he got a "funeral, not any extra attention."

 

Um, yeah, I'm sure everyone in that family sounds like they really built him up from infancy onward. Isn't it horrible how their stupid, impulsive brother dud his dumb killing himself ploy to hurt his family. How could he do that to their precious selves? after all they'd done for him? gee there must've been something wrong with that guy!

[NoMagicBullet]

Never said anything like that to anyone, and never will.

 

Being with someone who just doesn't care about you sucks, but not being with someone at all also sucks. And getting lousy platitudes when you feel down and alone (whether you are actually with someone or not), sucks even more.

[dreamingoftigers]

Never said anything like that to anyone, and never will.

 

Being with someone who just doesn't care about you sucks, but not being with someone at all also sucks. And getting lousy platitudes when you feel down and alone (whether you are actually with someone or not), sucks even more.

 

"cheer up, it can only get better."

"it's always darkest before the dawn." (what the Hell does this even MEAN. NO, it isn't!)

 

"all roads lead to Rome."

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" (this was voted the most emotionally invalidating song of all time ironically. And the lead singer committed suicide.)

 

One last thing on the suicide thing.

 

"it's the easy way out."

 

If you are saying this, you haven't tried it out for real. Trying to finish yourself is damned hard and takes energy, determination and fortitude which is even harder to come by when you are already in overwhelming pain. Ignorance. Ignorance.

[NoMagicBullet]

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" (this was voted the most emotionally invalidating song of all time ironically. And the lead singer committed suicide.)

 

Maybe someone who covered the song committed suicide? Because original singer/songwriter Bobby McFerrin is still alive and making music. Even the guy who's catch phrase inspired the song, mystic Meher Baba, died of some illness versus suicide (although the seclusion & fasting toward the end likely didn't help). There's also an Australian singer with a song of the same title, but he's still alive, too.

 

But yeah, telling someone "don't worry, be happy" is very emotionally invalidating.

Edited January 16, 2013 by NoMagicBullet
addition

[Irial]

So basically by referring to people as "non-virgins" you are telling me that the big deal is that you just haven't had sex yet. I realize how sex is an important part of life and that it is a need on some level, but honestly I can't really take someone too seriously if they are describing their pain of never having been in a relationship through the concept of never having had sex versus the rest of the world (the "non-virgins").

 

That aside, I do agree that people are sometimes just saying that type of thing when they are upset but they don't really mean it. It's not really aimed at hurting anyone, it is just out of frustration. Believe me: relationships CAN hurt a lot, and CAN be very frustrating. The fact that also being single can hurt a lot and can be very frustrating doesn't make the above any less true.

 

Bottom line: nobody wants to upset you by saying that stuff, they only say it because they either think it'll make you feel better and have no other thing to say or because they are unhappy with their relationships and are suffering. Not that hard to understand really.

[taiko]

It was a lot worse when I was young. People would say things like: "Don't worry, you'll get a girlfriend one day. Even if you don't believe in it now."

 

Because it is true. have you seen Precious? What makes you think you are outwardly less desirable then her?

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe someone who covered the song committed suicide? Because original singer/songwriter Bobby McFerrin is still alive and making music. Even the guy who's catch phrase inspired the song, mystic Meher Baba, died of some illness versus suicide (although the seclusion & fasting toward the end likely didn't help). There's also an Australian singer with a song of the same title, but he's still alive, too.

 

But yeah, telling someone "don't worry, be happy" is very emotionally invalidating.

 

I'll be honest, I just heard that. I didn't check a source.

 

I'd rather it not be true. Someone's idea of a bad joke I guess.

[dreamingoftigers]

Maybe someone who covered the song committed suicide? Because original singer/songwriter Bobby McFerrin is still alive and making music. Even the guy who's catch phrase inspired the song, mystic Meher Baba, died of some illness versus suicide (although the seclusion & fasting toward the end likely didn't help). There's also an Australian singer with a song of the same title, but he's still alive, too.

 

But yeah, telling someone "don't worry, be happy" is very emotionally invalidating.

 

You are right. At least I'm not the only one who heard that.

snopes.com: Bobby McFerrin Suicide Rumor

[AlexDP]

The one's about happiness are really great right after a breakup, death or suicide attempt.

 

The one's I hear about suicide are just sickening: I was suicidal when I was younger.

 

"that's foolish"

"that's cowardly"

"that's taking the easy way out"

"that's selfish"

"you just want attention"

 

So now on top of the fact that I truly want to die and have tried it, I get to be insulted to? Great just great, so now not only am I not the dead loser I wanted to be, I am also selfish, foolish, lazy, coward who just wants attention. Yay.... Way to help someone in clear psychological distress cope with underlying shame. Maybe the company that is kept by someone suicidal might have something to do with their self-worth being eroded some of the time.

 

I remember one poster came on here saying her brother committed suicide and that it was "the stupidest thing he ever did" and all he did was "hurt the family" and he got a "funeral, not any extra attention."

 

Um, yeah, I'm sure everyone in that family sounds like they really built him up from infancy onward. Isn't it horrible how their stupid, impulsive brother dud his dumb killing himself ploy to hurt his family. How could he do that to their precious selves? after all they'd done for him? gee there must've been something wrong with that guy!

 

 

I can't really comment on the other phrases, but I do understand why people would say that you just want attention. The vast majority of people who threaten with suicide or even halfheartedly attempt it want just that. So I can see why someone who is not experienced with suicide would assume this.

 

At the same time I also understand that there are people who legitimately want to commit suicide. Whilst I don't think these cliches are helpful and are in fact quite damaging, I also think there is very little you can say to such persons. Of course there are things to do, ways to think about yourself and all sorts of manners to change your beliefs system and be in a better place. But ultimately it would boil down to you doing these things yourself.

 

When it comes to suicide, no one ever has a clue. That's why people say dumb stuff.