LDR breakup and acceptance struggle

[ShadowCore]

Hello all,

Since my breakup with my boyfriend 3 months ago I have been a regular browser of LoveShack. After plucking up some courage I've decided I would appreciate specific advice/opinions for myself, and would be grateful for any you can offer.

I'll try and keep the initial background very short, and only address my main problem.

I was with my boyfriend for five years. From 15 - 20 (I know it's young, but we were serious). 2 years after we started dating his family lost their visa and he had to move back to his country (a five hour flight away). We stayed together, visiting every four months or so in school holidays.

We finished school when we were 19, and he was enlisted into mandatory state service in his country (weekends off). I took a gap year, got a job for 6 months, then lived in his country for 5 months doing voluntary work in order to see him at the weekends.

I returned home where I was due to start university. We had previously discussed, and both were aware really, that our relationship was not very feasible to continue. But we couldn't face ending it.

Eventually it got too much after I came home. The pressure and problems of long distance, combined with commitments, and trying to live normally somehow, became too much. After a shaky week he told me on the phone he was done.

I'm not going to be descriptive about emotions. I think they're obvious from the way we stayed together. He was my complete rock and best friend, and had my back entirely. I had revolved my world around the relationship and didnt understand what existed without it. I believe he could see it would do more damage than good, because the impossibility would wear us down. We ARE young, we didn't want to promise "We'll definitely be together forever in three years time." It was too hard. He told me what he wanted most was for me to be happy.

We are 2 1/2 months NC. I called desperately twice before that. He was heartbreakingly cold, but eventually one time cried. So I presume just shut emotion off. I miss him dreadfully, but I see no good can come from talking. It will not make the impossible possible, and I know I can't talk just as a friend to him. I've never lied or held back from him. I know my calling will hurt him and not help.

I also accept that this was necessary, we couldn't have continued for 3 more years in the same way. It would have destroyed us. And I know I need to find myself a lot as a person. But in my head, rightly or ridiculously, I still feel that after three years there may be hope.

My problem is that I am used to not seeing him. Not talking has been an adjustment (we used to talk everyday). But I now just feel my emotions/feelings are suspended. I just feel, as normal, as though I am waiting. By not talking to him, nothing changes - our relationship stays static in my mind. I feel as though he is still my boyfriend. As though everything still remains the same, just frozen for now. I haven't accepted it's over. And can't accept that it won't exist again somehow in the future.

Please, what do I need to do? I don't understand how I should feel, or what acceptance I should have.

I'm sorry this became so long. I shall have to work on my editing skills. I am very appreciative to anyone who has read this, and also any advice. Thank you x

[th90]

Wow. Your situation sounds a lot like mine. LDR and ****.

 

We were together for 3 years before deciding to go on LDR for 4 years before he broke up with me over 2 months ago. Well feelings changed I guess. Or he met someone else. I don't really know.

 

Anyway, I think you should try to move on. Just today I thought to myself, "Crap, am I still gonna love my ex just the same 6 months from now?" Till today, I can safely say my feelings for my ex haven't changed at all.

 

Forget about 3 years later, when you're done with uni and can finally find a job at his place. Right now, it's important to focus on yourself. I agree that it won't be easy to move on especially when you still have feelings for your ex. But you must accept it as it is. In time, he will move on.

 

Let it go. Take it as an experience. Trick yourself into believing that he's gone forever, you're done with him, it's over. As a matter of fact, it is over.

 

Stick to NC and be strong.

[Toddbt12y1]

You two made a mature decision based on difficult factors that tend to occur in life, sorry, I know it is hard.

 

1) "What should I do?"

 

You should continue in your studies. You should keep the NC, er, and heal. You should go out, experience life a little. Not wait around forever. Take up a hobby or two. Just do things.

 

2) "How should I feel?"

 

You should feel how you feel now. Confused? Yeah...People tend to be at the end of a relationship. Hurt? People are hurt. You should feel a variety of emotions. These hopefully will pass in time.

 

3) "What acceptance should I have?"

 

Accept that it is over. That hardships come and go in life. Sometimes these things are for the better; even though they may hurt us. Accept it is over. Eventually.

 

4) Future, the Future:

 

Who knows what the future holds? This is a mutual breakup. Things could settle down, who really knows? Now, this does not mean to settle on Hope, and waste years of your life waiting. Accept it for what it is now.

 

I am sorry for you. It will get better, if-so you let it.

[arrowfoot]

Wow, what an interesting thought about LDR. I was in one as well and I think you may have hit the nail on the head with this one: It's hard to heal from LDR break ups because you're used to being without them for long periods of time so it just feels like you'll see them again soon.

 

Another thing that sucks about LDR is how when you break up, it's like you were never together...if not for the memories.

 

You are never going to "run" into them at the supermarket. You can't drive by there house, or go to places he frequents because his life is rooted, and has always been, somewhere else.

 

Makes this big city feel much more lonely.