Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Well im going to make short and sweet. I just recently found out that my wife cheated on me 2 years ago about the same time she got pregnant with twins. We got a DNA test done and i am not the father. We also have a 4 year old daughter together. Im not sure what to do i signed the Birth Certificates of the twins thinking they were mine. I want nothing to do with this woman or the twins but my daughter means the world to me. Do i have to pay child support for the twins and would i have a chance to win custody of my daughter in court? Any advice would help. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Welcome to LS AND thank you for your service. You're going to need to search out the specific law in your state. How old are the twins? Is the bio dad willing to step up? Babies born during a marriage are legally of the husband unless the bio dad challenges paternity. You would owe child support until relieved of that obligation legally. Are you still active duty? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Lots of smart people here but you need an attorney. Most states are "no fault" meaning they won't much care about her infidelity in the divorce; they just split the assets, debts, and time-share the kids. But some states still do care (13 of them, last I heard) so you may have a shot at custody of your daughter. Best case scenario is getting your wife to agree to take custody of the twins (without support) and you take custody of your daughter. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 Welcome to LS AND thank you for your service. You're going to need to search out the specific law in your state. How old are the twins? Is the bio dad willing to step up? Babies born during a marriage are legally of the husband unless the bio dad challenges paternity. You would owe child support until relieved of that obligation legally. Are you still active duty? The twins are 2 years old and yes i am still active duty. Im deployed right now and i found out about the twins like a month before i left and ive had 8 months to think about it and i know for sure im not going to be able to rekindle what was once an amazing relationship the envy of many. She said the father got deported for sexual harassment a while ago so hes probably in MX and will never know he has children with this woman. Ive tried looking for info on the net about my state but i couldnt find anything. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Use the legal resources available to you as an active duty soldier. Your unenviable situation is common, I'm sure you know this. From your story it seems that you've had knowledge [DNA] for 9 mos. A lawyer can define the windows of time that come into play. By reasons of active duty deployment, you may have a get a break situation. I'm guessing that others in your unit know~have offered advice based on others they know, it's a horrible situation for you. Honestly~ to read that you were the envied couple, it's just got to be a low point for you. I'm sorry. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 Use the legal resources available to you as an active duty soldier. Your unenviable situation is common, I'm sure you know this. From your story it seems that you've had knowledge [DNA] for 9 mos. A lawyer can define the windows of time that come into play. By reasons of active duty deployment, you may have a get a break situation. I'm guessing that others in your unit know~have offered advice based on others they know, it's a horrible situation for you. Honestly~ to read that you were the envied couple, it's just got to be a low point for you. I'm sorry. I would never tell anyone in my unit about what going on. All these people is gossip. Im going to deal with this when i return to the states and shes a good woman and im sure shes going to do the right thing and take full custody of the twins without involving me. But i know she will give me a fierce fight for my oldest daughter. Thanks for the advice it is greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 OP, if the events depicted happened while you were military, JAG can advise you. Military lawyers are bound by the same client/lawyer ethics and statutes so 'gossip' about your case will be moot. Members of the services face these issues and they aren't uncommon, which is why the military has processes and procedures and resources for service members. My advice is to not wait and be assertive. My sympathies. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 (edited) HaHa so now you've established that you're smart! Wise strategy on your part and yes, gossip abounds. Good woman but now facing the need to financially provide for two additional kids. On top of that, your daughter is living in a family unit w these half siblings. It sounds as if your primary focus is obtaining sole physical custody of your daughter. Visitation then becomes your bargaining point. What are your feelings about financial support? The reality is that whatever your child support order is~it's going to be used for 3 kids. Clearly you can provide your daughter whatever you can above that bottom threshold. Out of curiosity~ has your stbEXW offered up any suggestions? Is she realistic about her financial life going forward absent your income? Edited January 15, 2013 by Balzac Carhill is correct. Atty client privilege. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 HaHa so now you've established that you're smart! Wise strategy on your part and yes, gossip abounds. Good woman but now facing the need to financially provide for two additional kids. On top of that, your daughter is living in a family unit w these half siblings. It sounds as if your primary focus is obtaining sole physical custody of your daughter. Visitation then becomes your bargaining point. What are your feelings about financial support? The reality is that whatever your child support order is~it's going to be used for 3 kids. Clearly you can provide your daughter whatever you can above that bottom threshold. Out of curiosity~ has your stbEXW offered up any suggestions? Is she realistic about her financial life going forward absent your income? Well to be honest she does not have to worrie about a thing, her family is well off and her mother spoils her so she gets what she wants. Ive saved alot of money due to baby showers though lol Im pretty confident she will take the twins and the sole custodian and she will probably give me 50% custody of my oldest. Ive spoken to her and right now shes pretty mad at herself but she has been coming around and she has to face the facts and accept responsibility for her own actions. Life goes on and she will find someone who will love her no matter her past (not to mention she is a VERY attractive woman) I dont think she will have any problem finding someone else. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 OK so you've covered her financial situation and yet by law it's going to be some order for child support. You're willing to accept 50% custody, implied in your statement is "joint" custody w you sharing visitation amounting to 50% of time available. You seem to understand that. ALL other child life decisions will then by definition be by joint agreement. Education, medical, travel, you name it. She will ultimately have a man in your daughter's life. Very likely an additional child. This dynamic can be challenging. The legal process is clear. I agree w Carhill's advice. You've only mentioned your end of deployment date, handling this upon your return. When in fact does your term of active duty end? Perhaps you are career military, thus can use their services no matter when you begin action legally. What's you primary personal worry? This was devastating news. Surely you are feeling emotions. LS is a safe place to share and vent. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 OK so you've covered her financial situation and yet by law it's going to be some order for child support. You're willing to accept 50% custody, implied in your statement is "joint" custody w you sharing visitation amounting to 50% of time available. You seem to understand that. ALL other child life decisions will then by definition be by joint agreement. Education, medical, travel, you name it. She will ultimately have a man in your daughter's life. Very likely an additional child. This dynamic can be challenging. The legal process is clear. I agree w Carhill's advice. You've only mentioned your end of deployment date, handling this upon your return. When in fact does your term of active duty end? Perhaps you are career military, thus can use their services no matter when you begin action legally. What's you primary personal worry? This was devastating news. Surely you are feeling emotions. LS is a safe place to share and vent. Well i kinda knew all along, her stories never really matched and it slipped one time but she quickly covered it up. At first it was rough but its been a while since this happened and im pretty much dull about it now. My feeling are numb i dont feel anything anymore. I guess im just ready to get this situation resolved and move on with my life. I just wish she had came out with the truth earlier before i got attached to the twins. This deployment came at just the right time. Being away for 9 months can change anyone and separate themselves emotionally from someone who was never rightfully theirs. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Yup, sounds like you're moving on. In that, you'll return to where? A newly rented apt? Surely you've strategized. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 Yup, sounds like you're moving on. In that, you'll return to where? A newly rented apt? Surely you've strategized. well i ETS out of the army in june. but until then yes i will have an apt set up and school for the fall semester. I just want this to be over and focus on my education and my daughter. Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Well i kinda knew all along, her stories never really matched and it slipped one time but she quickly covered it up. At first it was rough but its been a while since this happened and im pretty much dull about it now. My feeling are numb i dont feel anything anymore. I guess im just ready to get this situation resolved and move on with my life. I just wish she had came out with the truth earlier before i got attached to the twins. This deployment came at just the right time. Being away for 9 months can change anyone and separate themselves emotionally from someone who was never rightfully theirs. This was what I was curious about - you've become attached 2 the 2wins. What about getting primary custody of all three of your children? She could pay child support 2 you. I would only consider something like this in a case like you describe - the bio father doesn't know of their existence and/or there's no likelihood that he'll sue for shared custody at some later date, requiring you 2 pay HIM child support (perhaps through your exW). -ol' 2long Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 School sounds great as a focus. Care to share more about that? Your daughter of course. It might be wise and a good time to use the 5 months to get yourself up-to-speed on child development. The changes facing your daughter can be greatly eased by your knowledge. The twins are not going to be any part of her life with you. At some level your daughter may display insecurity regarding her continued status w her daddy. Coming off a 9 month deployment means getting reacquainted. Life's guarantee is change. You have a plan, you've reached decisions and now you'll soon move into implementation. As a soldier you're trained to do just that. You seem to express compassion for your stbEXW and that's all grand but it's the difficulty of emotions. School, tell us! Applying now? Already admitted? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 This was what I was curious about - you've become attached 2 the 2wins. What about getting primary custody of all three of your children? She could pay child support 2 you. I would only consider something like this in a case like you describe - the bio father doesn't know of their existence and/or there's no likelihood that he'll sue for shared custody at some later date, requiring you 2 pay HIM child support (perhaps through your exW). -ol' 2long I have no interest in money and i know its not the twins fault of what happened. But i cant raise someone else child i refuse to be looked at as a fool as a sucker. My pride is just too much. People have to learn to take responsibility for their won actions. I stepped up and took care of my daughter and did the things i needed to do to provide for her, and now my ex has to do the same for her other 2 children. Its not my fault she did what she did. No one put a gun to her head and said sleep with this guy. She opened her legs and decided to do what she did. As much as it might hurt me i must walk away if I ever want to walk away with my sanity. 6 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Your sole focus needs to be your sanity, happiness, productivity as that is what is in your daughter's best interest. Your baby girl can adapt and adjust with confidence as long as you are happy and productive. Meet your needs-you'll be able to meet your daughter's needs. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2long Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 I should add that I wouldn't raise another man's child either. Sounds like you know what you want and what you need 2 do 2 get there. best, -ol' 2long 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 School sounds great as a focus. Care to share more about that? Your daughter of course. It might be wise and a good time to use the 5 months to get yourself up-to-speed on child development. The changes facing your daughter can be greatly eased by your knowledge. The twins are not going to be any part of her life with you. At some level your daughter may display insecurity regarding her continued status w her daddy. Coming off a 9 month deployment means getting reacquainted. Life's guarantee is change. You have a plan, you've reached decisions and now you'll soon move into implementation. As a soldier you're trained to do just that. You seem to express compassion for your stbEXW and that's all grand but it's the difficulty of emotions. School, tell us! Applying now? Already admitted? Well im going to contact the school and im sure they will make an exception to my late application because i was deployed. But im going to study in the Daley College in Chicago to get my basic's done first and from there i want to pursue a Electrical and Planning degree something simple and head my way to TX to work for the oil companies down there. But first thing is first basic's Ive had it pretty rough from birth and ive overcome every obstacle so far and my daughter is strong innocent but strong none the less. I am somewhat of a realist and im not going to sugar coat anything to her. She's going to know that mommy and daddy had a beautiful relationship and well people make mistakes. She will learn to take responsibility for her actions at a young age. Its going to be a journey that i gladly will endure and ride out as best i can. Its all about life lessons and teaching your children about the real world, its not all Disney movie material. Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 That's a nice share. Being a realist and understanding what good parenting is within norms of child development is your key to success. I feel strongly that appropriate to age is your adult responsibility. You cannot control her mother but you can control yourself. You have made it through a lot of challenges and recognize your accomplishments. I commend you. Life is not a Disney movie. Your educational goals and plan sound very solid. I wish you the best of outcomes. It sounds exciting. Follow through w your application and yes, most schools will work w you on deadlines. Be sure to complete a FAFSA. Ask away on LS for people here are a vast resource. You did not need this terrible injustice. Again, please know that I appreciate your service to our country and the self sacrifice involved. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Deployed, there is nothing wrong if you can not raise the OC as your own. What you need to do at this point is to contact a lawyer to have him remove your name from the OC's birth certificate. Most states have a 2 year window from date of birth to do this. This is a must why you must call a lawyer today. Then after that is done the lawyer needs to file for divorce. I strongly advise that you have your first child DNA tested because you will never know for a fact if your WW never cheated before. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 Deployed I have nothing to say except you are a smart man and the right woman is going to be very blessed to get you. I wish you well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 Thank you guys soo much this means alot to me. I usually keep these tings to myself but talking about it makes me feel a hundred times better. You all are amazing thanks for the good wishes and the amazing advice. I will have my mother contact a lawyer for me today. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Balzac Posted January 15, 2013 Share Posted January 15, 2013 This is a safe place to open it up. I support your seeking legal advice 100%. Knowledge is power. You'll feel much better when as you take action. We're here to listen, suggest and it's all anonymous. I hope you update us. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Deployed Posted January 15, 2013 Author Share Posted January 15, 2013 This is a safe place to open it up. I support your seeking legal advice 100%. Knowledge is power. You'll feel much better when as you take action. We're here to listen, suggest and it's all anonymous. I hope you update us. i definitely will Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts