She found out and now I want to get THEM back together

[Any]

My story. About five months ago a man started coming into the place I work for dinner. He was cute, funny and charming around my age and wore no wedding ring. I am recently divorced with two kids. We began talking and flirting and it felt nice then about three weeks later me of my co workers dropped the bomb that he was married. That was the end if my thinking anything sexual would happen but I still enjoyed the attention and after having gone through a divorce where my ex didn't love me and never treated me as a person it felt good to have that attention. We continued to flirt and I convinced my self it was harmless. Well long story short about a month later our affair began. He was on long term contract work in my town but actually lived two states away so when he went home two months after we started sleeping together I thought that was it but he continued to call every day nd we continued to text and email. That's when I began putting pressure on him to end his marriage he said he couldn't his wife was from Peru and he was panicked she would take his very young son back to Peru if he left I figured this was all bull**** so I ended things. Saturday his wife found out about us she facebooked me and asked if it was true I confirmed it mainly because I was pissed at him for giving her my name and throwing me to her like that. A major war waged between me and his wife for about six hours online, he of course begged her to stay and said I was nothing but a whore to him like all married men do in the end. But then the real bomb came she told me Monday morning (ie yesterday) she had a signed affidavid to return to Peru with their son and he would NEVER see his child again.she said he knew my rules and this comes as no shock to him. Apparently he was telling me the truth I heard straight from his wife that she intended to make sure he never got to watch his 18 month old son grow up. I made a mistake, and he made a mistake but he doesn't deserve this. I feel my heart being ripped from me for him I know first hand how much he adores his child. He always told me if it was just for love he'd leave her but he couldn't because of his son, I told him that was bull**** and he would say I just don't understand now that I do understand I wish I could get her back together with him because as a parent I know it would be better to be stuck in a miserable marriage WITH your child then be in a happy relationship WITHOUT them.

[Got it]

She legally cannot do that regardless of him having the affair and any agreed upon rules unless he just rolls over on it. If he so chooses, he can get an emergency injunction, have the child's passport held or not allow the child to get a passport, and have this worked out in the courts.

 

Please don't get into the drama. Having an affair and taking someone's children way are two totally different things. And he does have legal recourse. He just has to choose to pursue it.

[Any]

I agree he has recorse but she just got back a few weeks ago from visiting her family in Peru and I believe she still has the paperwork signed by him saying she can leave the country with the child. She also comes from a family with a great deal of money that can get them both on a plane quickly. I know he can get the son back in the country if he fights but how long will that take weeks? Months? As a parent my heart goes out to this man. Or affair was not lengthy and I'm not sure i loved him but at very least I was begining to.

[BetrayedH]

He wasn't wearing a wedding ring when you first met. Hmm.

 

Something tells me that he's not the victim here.

[Any]

I don't understand how I'm being payed?

[Any]

And I agreed every man should wear a wedding ring when married.

[BetrayedH]

And I agreed every man should wear a wedding ring when married.

 

I'm just saying that it appears that he had intentions of cheating while away from his wife. This is not an accidental "love" affair. This guy is a player and had every intention of cheating with someone before he met you.

 

He quite deliberately chose to roll the dice and he got busted.

[Any]

BetrayedH I was agreeing with you there is no excuse for not wearing a wedding ring when married. His excuse was he does nasty work and didn't want to lose it.... Sorry buy a cheap wedding ring and keep the nice one at home (I actually told him that)

[woinlove]

So he signed an affidavit for his wife to take the children alone to Peru which is valid for the some period. She tells him that if he cheats she will not return from Peru. Then he cheats just during this period where he knows she has a signed affidavit and his wife said she will not return if he cheats.

 

Does that summarize the situation?

 

She has no right to permanently move the children to Peru without a court order that allows that. But he also seems to have some screws loose on his timing. Or maybe he cheats continuously, and this one just coincides with the timing of his signed affidavit and he could not go a month or two without cheating.

 

What do you think is going on with his timing, his signing, etc? Seems strange. Yes, he should get an emergency juntion, but one does have to wonder about this man.

[Any]

Kristismiles. She did leave everything to be with him she was two months from graduating with her degree BUT she made the choice to have a child with him they had been married 8 years when their son was born she knew who he was at that point and should have known he was capable of this. Having an affair is no excuse to use your son as a way to stick it to your cheating husband. He might not deserve to have her but HER SON deserves to have a father.

[Any]

Woinlove.... I honestly think he was so cocky he never thought he would be caught.

[woinlove]

Kristismiles. She did leave everything to be with him she was two months from graduating with her degree BUT she made the choice to have a child with him they had been married 8 years when their son was born she knew who he was at that point and should have known he was capable of this. Having an affair is no excuse to use your son as a way to stick it to your cheating husband. He might not deserve to have her but HER SON deserves to have a father.

 

What I don't understand, from you saying your flirting started 5 months ago and the affair started 4 months ago, and she just returned a few weeks ago from Peru, it sounds like he signed this affidavit WHILE he was cheating. Almost sounds like he was agreeing to the condition for cheating. Why sign an affidavit when your wife said she would not return if you were cheating, when you know you are cheating?

[Decorative]

Kristismiles. She did leave everything to be with him she was two months from graduating with her degree BUT she made the choice to have a child with him they had been married 8 years when their son was born she knew who he was at that point and should have known he was capable of this. Having an affair is no excuse to use your son as a way to stick it to your cheating husband. He might not deserve to have her but HER SON deserves to have a father.

 

Yes. Clearly, the betrayed wife is the problem in this equation.

 

*hopes the sarcasm shows through clearly*

[woinlove]

Woinlove.... I honestly think he was so cocky he never thought he would be caught.

 

Were was the love for his son then? Both of them sound a bit wacko. Maybe the child would be better off among family in Peru. In any case, nothing you can do now. You got involved in a bad situation, with a man who may not be that stable. Best to make a clean break and work to get him out of your head.

[Any]

He did sign while he was cheating so she could take the son to visit her family on vacation. He was suppose to go with her but the job he was working on (in my state) got messed up and he couldn't take the time off to go.... Like I said I think he was cocky enough to think he would never be caught, certainly not this quickly into the affair.

[Any]

Cheating on your wife and loving your child are two distinctly different things. If we took the children from every man who cheated there would be a lot of fatherless children out there. And the betrayed wife might not be the problem in the marriage but she certainly isn't a shining example of a mother if she would deprive her son of a father because of her own selfish "rules"

[bentnotbroken]

BetrayedH I was agreeing with you there is no excuse for not wearing a wedding ring when married. His excuse was he does nasty work and didn't want to lose it.... Sorry buy a cheap wedding ring and keep the nice one at home (I actually told him that)

 

 

Yeah, I didn't wear a ring because it was too small after a number of years and I couldn't afford to buy another. Cheating comes from within not from the ring. I would also hazard a guess by his wife saying that he knew the rules, this isn't the first time she has dealt with him. She had stipulations to maintaining the marriage and he was clear on what those were. Being out of time he felt it was okay to ignore them. Legally, she can't just take the child and leave...but we have all heard of cases where the law is ignored and children don't see their parents. Leave them alone..go your own way...take the lesson and apply it to your future.

[woinlove]

He did sign while he was cheating so she could take the son to visit her family on vacation. He was suppose to go with her but the job he was working on (in my state) got messed up and he couldn't take the time off to go.... Like I said I think he was cocky enough to think he would never be caught, certainly not this quickly into the affair.

 

So he signed an affidavit for his son to go off to Peru, knowing if he was caught his wife was threatening not to return, and meanwhile, he decided not to go with them and instead to stay behind and cheat some more. Maybe he has become disconnected from his son as it doesn't sound like he goes home that often for someone who has an 18 month old. I'm not sure he knows what real love for a child is.

[bentnotbroken]

Cheating on your wife and loving your child are two distinctly different things. If we took the children from every man who cheated there would be a lot of fatherless children out there. And the betrayed wife might not be the problem in the marriage but she certainly isn't a shining example of a mother if she would deprive her son of a father because of her own selfish "rules"

 

 

While your point might be valid..don't forget you said you have children also...shining examples by all the adults in this situation are lacking.

[Any]

I agree and will continue to agree that mistakes where made by my self and by him I feel about as trashy and cheap as one person can feel however my true remorse come from what I did to the blameless child who may or may not be seeing his father for a very long time. Every child deserves two loving parents and dispiate his enormous error in judgement by signing the affidavid allowing her to take the son on vacation he does love his child. He was faced with a choice if he didn't sign the affidavid what possible excuse could he give her for not allowing her to take their son to see her family on vacation? He just didn't think he would get caught.

[woinlove]

We don't know the whole story, but from what has been posted it seems the son would be in very sorry hands if he were in the custody of his father. Maybe the child would actually be better off surrounded by family in Peru.

 

When his wife said she would not return from Peru if he was cheating, what did he do? Did he try to work this out to end up with a solution? Did he get a lawyer and protect his rights? Did he file for divorce? Did he rearrange his work to travel with them? No, it seems that he chose to sign the affidavit for her to leave alone with the son to Peru and then continued cheating. This and his schedule for trips back home to see his son, make it clear that his son is NOT a high priority for him. He may say he is, but his actions speak differently.

 

One cannot make someone show the needed love and care for their child. The wife may see this and have thought her threat would make him start giving their son a higher priority, by coming on the trip with them, by reacting to the threat and working something out together, by deciding not to cheat and reconnect with her and their son more. None of this seems to have happened.

[bentnotbroken]

Kristismiles. She did leave everything to be with him she was two months from graduating with her degree BUT she made the choice to have a child with him they had been married 8 years when their son was born she knew who he was at that point and should have known he was capable of this. Having an affair is no excuse to use your son as a way to stick it to your cheating husband. He might not deserve to have her but HER SON deserves to have a father.

 

 

Again with what she should have known....what of the other two adults in the situation? Should they have known that the consequences of an affair could get nasty? While I do not agree with her decision about her son...you posted that she told him what the consequences would be if he cheated.."she told him"...why didn't he heed the warning? Why didn't he think his son's stability was more important then getting over on her? Why didn't he see she was capable and more than willing to go through with her threat?

 

Do you know why...he chose not to. He can only control his actions and he decided to cheat. Just as she can only control her actions and it appears she has made a choice.

[bentnotbroken]

I agree and will continue to agree that mistakes where made by my self and by him I feel about as trashy and cheap as one person can feel however my true remorse come from what I did to the blameless child who may or may not be seeing his father for a very long time. Every child deserves two loving parents and dispiate his enormous error in judgement by signing the affidavid allowing her to take the son on vacation he does love his child. He was faced with a choice if he didn't sign the affidavid what possible excuse could he give her for not allowing her to take their son to see her family on vacation? He just didn't think he would get caught.

 

 

See...this is not his enormous error in judgement....cheating and being told the consequences before hand was a huge error in judgement. Being arrogant enough to think she wouldn't find out was a huge error in judgement. Allowing his child to visit family was not an error in judgement.

[jwi71]

OP,

 

I have lived this too. My xWW, a foreign national whose home country is NOT a Hague convention signatory, also threaten to leave and take my kids. Also, she is from a wealthy and prominent family in her country of origin.

 

Like your MM, I called State, FBI and lawyer in a near panic. In sum, there is NOTHING that can be done. While, given evenough proof, a court may enjoin the parent from leaving - there is a massive loophole. The US can only monitor US passports, not Peruvian ones. The loophole is to simply have the family of the BS obtain legal Peruvian passports and off they go. And I can almost promise her family can get them - perhaps even legally.

 

In sum, there's not much to be done if the BS decides to up and go.

 

For you in particular - walk. The damage done, you own half, and you aren't likely to help things - especially given the, frankly, childish online fest you engaged in. There is nothing more you can do to affect a positive outcome EXCEPT to disappear, block all forms of contact and hope she doesn't carry through.

[dreamingoftigers]

Oh for the love of.....

 

I get it, you feel bad.

 

But really to sit in judgment of their situation when you've got

 

A: the guy who knows the game plan upfront

B: a very blunt woman

C: and you going from homewrecker to matchmaker.

 

Just butt out. Seriously. You aren't the good guy here and you aren't the fixer here. You are upset at him because he told the wife who you were!?

 

Is there some etiquette here I am missing!? Where you supposed to be able to I introduce yourself and the family barbecue?

 

You had a marriage. You get what happens to kids when they destruct. You didn't care what that was going to do to his kid before then. You didn't care about his wife. If you did, your behavior didn't show it.

 

In plenty of other cultures, throwing the mother of one's children under the bus shows a direct correlation for being a capable parent. Did you not think to cover cultural and marital differences with the guy whose family you were pressuring to shut down?

 

Butt out, you were part of the problem. It's Peruman's issue to deal with now. He is the only one that can be part if the solution.

 

A six hour online fight? The check-out from this sham of a relationship (based on lies, trickery and ignorance) should've happened approximately 2.0 seconds after you found out he was married. There's even slightly EXTRA time to process and react to the information than needed.

 

Hey, let's just say any time that day. And now somehow, you're still acting like you can help clean it up. You want them together. Well I guess they better damnwell do it because "Any" says she no longer wants MM and she insta-cares about his son now. Well, the best thing you can do if you care about MM or his son or about your own kids is show everyone that you have respect for a marriage even if an MM doesn't. You are going to back off from them all and set an example for yourself and your kids why you don't stay involved with someone who is married.

 

Any, do you see what I see here? Or is this a loss. I don't expect you to love my phrasing, but is this making any sense?