She found out and now I want to get THEM back together

[dreamingoftigers]

Pierre's about 3 -5 mins on everything I wanted to post.

 

He'll most likely fish.

 

Honestly. If I were you. (I'm 30 btw)

 

Well, I would probably be thinner.

 

But aside from that, I would block him out of every social media, phone email etc.

 

If seems that the dating you're into isn't particularly healthy or good for building self-esteem. Honestly, drag yourself to the IC. Find one you click with and go from there. It seems like you are open to him fishing though. It seems like you are still really craving, which is, I think the reason you came here.

 

You wanted to help him. You get your "hit" of him and his attentions again. In a sense you get to be his knight in shining armour. Rose-coloured glasses indeed.

 

Are you wanting him still? Or is it over in your books as well as his.

[ThatJustHappened]

I have a theory every man cheats period.... Given enough time and oppertunity.

 

That's a sad and cynical theory. Not every guy is scum.

[dreamingoftigers]

I have a theory every man cheats period.... Given enough time and oppertunity.

 

Can I guess: father was a cheater, Ex-husband may or may not have been a cheater BUT you suspected it anyway strongly even if he wasn't.

 

That template is a dangerous one to go with, it means that you will be attracted to men that will confirm it and rebuff men that don't fit your idea of "what a man is and does."

 

I think you are really vulnerable still not just to this MM, but other MM. I hope that isn't the case.

[Any]

Yu are all correct my father was a cheater, my ex was a cheater, my brother in law has also cheated... Maybe there are these mythical beings called faithful men I just don't know them.

[Yellowteacup]

I have a theory every man cheats period.... Given enough time and opportunity.

Your theory is wrong. Theories often are.

 

Disconnect yourself from the MM in every way, shape, and form. Delete and block his email and FB, and change your phone number. Move away from the drama because eventually if you let it, it can bite back twice as hard.

[dreamingoftigers]

Yu are all correct my father was a cheater, my ex was a cheater, my brother in law has also cheated... Maybe there are these mythical beings called faithful men I just don't know them.

 

So this time you'd rather be on the "winning" side, getting the attention that they diverted from you.

 

Perhaps you haven't hit the roller coaster enough yet. But there is no winning side.

 

It's a triangle of dysfunction and it's a much of a prison as you can imagine.

 

Check out the other OW threads on here.

 

Bet you can spot a pattern in under a week!

 

I will be honest. I don't know 100% that there is a faithful man out there. But the alternative is damn unpleasant.

[ThatJustHappened]

Ok I've only read the beginning of the thread but...

 

1 you pressured him to leave her. You bear some responsibility for her pain. Own it. You obviously didn't own it in your 6 hour "war" where you were the one with all the hurtful info. Shame for that.

 

2 having pressured him to leave you can't now claim how awful it is for the child... You were quite willing to break up that child's home before when it suited you. Now that he might have something to hold against you you're feeling bad?

 

3 his wife may sound vindictive to you and she may even intend to "fight mechanism" she wants to sound aggressive and scary instinctively, she is never going to show her vulnerabilities to someone so toxic to her life is she? I know some Ow say they had healing talks with the wife but not in this kind of context. Usually long after.

 

4. Maybe it's not malicious that she's taking the child home to her family. I can imagine a scenario where she says she doesn't want the child to grow up with him as a role model, torn between his parents onenofnwhom is reprehensible. Better he had one honorable parent.

 

5. Also it may be for her protection. Maybe it's like when OW go NC. No new hurts if she has no contact. It could be that she fears he will be abusive or completely abandon her in a foreign country for her. It could be she thinks he will now behave like this al the time and she can't cope wit that. You just do not know.

 

6. Let's just assume she is horrible and manipulating or punishing him through the child. It's none of your business, never was.

 

As someone who grew up without a father..he has literally never laid eyes on me..I have to disagree with you. Unless the father is physically or mentally abusive, he should be in the child's life to some degree. As reprehensible as his cheating ways are, his son doesn't deserve to be punished for it. I think both parents are behaving poorly right now..taking a child away from his father to punish the father for cheating is disgusting. Blah blah blah, it's the father's fault for cheating..but his son shouldn't grow up without a father because of it.

Edited January 15, 2013 by ThatJustHappened

[Any]

My exhusband not only cheated but lied and stole from me and I still work very hard to make sure his relationship with our children is a good, stable and consistent one. He is not capable of creating that environment on his own so I spend lots of time behind the scene working to make the relationship like that. I'm no saint for doing this I just very strongly believe that a child should have two parents with a positive role in a child's life.... If you loved a person enough to bring a child into this world with them then you better figure out a way to deal with them for your children's sake no matter how much you hate them now.

[MissBee]

He wasn't wearing a wedding ring when you first met. Hmm.

 

Something tells me that he's not the victim here.

 

I agree. He made is bed, now he has to lie in it by dealing with the fall out of his decision.

 

It's not your fault this is happening to him OP.

 

You got some great advice before from others who said he has ways to stop his wife from doing this and not because he did this means she can just take his child away forever. He needs to put his focus into stopping her from doing that and I don't think your presence will help...unless you are an attorney and plan to represent him? If not...then you may exacerbate things.

 

I understand you feel some amount of guilt and some of it is warranted because you participated, but you're not to blame totally.If you want to help, send him info on his options legally and disappear.

[Any]

Of course I care about the child he is truly the only innocent victim in this situation. I know some people disagree with me but giving your husband the ultimatum of stay with me or else I take your son made for a situation in which he would stay no matter how crappy he felt about her. And I don't have to spell out mine and his role in this I've owned my own guilt and he is a cheater point blank.

[thefooloftheyear]

My exhusband not only cheated but lied and stole from me and I still work very hard to make sure his relationship with our children is a good, stable and consistent one. He is not capable of creating that environment on his own so I spend lots of time behind the scene working to make the relationship like that. I'm no saint for doing this I just very strongly believe that a child should have two parents with a positive role in a child's life.... If you loved a person enough to bring a child into this world with them then you better figure out a way to deal with them for your children's sake no matter how much you hate them now.

 

 

That is mighty noble of you and you are correct. I am not sympathizing with a spouse that might have had indiscretions. Everyone knows its not the right thing to do, but they happen to "good" people as well as bad ones. To punish the child(and the father) by withholding that experience is cruel by any measure.

 

TFOY

[Yellowteacup]

Of course I care about the child he is truly the only innocent victim in this situation. I know some people disagree with me but giving your husband the ultimatum of stay with me or else I take your son made for a situation in which he would stay no matter how crappy he felt about her. And I don't have to spell out mine and his role in this I've owned my own guilt and he is a cheater point blank.

Unfortunately, the old, "your child and me or nothing" ultimatum has been thrown around by many couples over countless years. So sad for the kiddos to be in the middle of such as mess.

 

It is going to be a real rough time for this couple, but honestly, it should not be of any concern of who does what or why any longer. If the wife goes to Peru or Timbuktu or wherever, your MM has made his choice. Consider the whole A a done deal.

[Any]

To focus on a few points in your post....

 

I don't chase my ex to be involved in my daughters life's how ever I do work hard to make sure he is allowed to be involved in their lives ie, he has not had a car for almost a year and I live in an area where no public transit comes so I could easily say that's too bad for you,you don't get to see the kids but once a week I go on thu. to his place and let him spend an afternoon with them and then every tue I pick him up at his house a drive him to story time with us near his home (he lives about 45 minutes from me) he wants to spend this time with them but has no way of making this happen with out a car.

 

Second point a father who works out of town is not a bad father he sees his son every weekend with out fail lots of fathers work out of town over the week and in this current economic times it would be stupid as the sole provider for a family to give up a good job just so he doesn't travel 5 days a week... And on this same point cheating doesn't make him a bad father either since I don't think it has much of anything to do with his parenting skill.

 

Third I have no idea what he called me only what she said he called me during our very long online battle.... She did at one point make him call me and with her in the back ground clearly dictating what he was to say. Ie tell her this is over and you will never see her again. I then had a chance with her listening to ask him to tell me honestly if he ever ment he loved me? He made the choice to hang up on me instead of admit he didn't love me. But during the conversation he didn't call me any names and was not cruel just defeated sounding.

 

Four no I don't want to "win" him by default this is the exact reason I gave him that I would never be the one to tell his wife I am not a consolation prize.... You lost your wife so NOW you'll be with me.

 

I'm not saying either he nor I are good people... As I mentioned to his wife during our battle I was very sorry for having the affair because in the end no one wins she lost her husband, he lost his wife, and I lost him.... But most importantly the poor innocent child lost his father.

[Got it]

His wife warned him up front about what her consequences to cheating would be.

 

He thought he was too smart to get caught. People in international marriages should be especially aware of the possibility of a custody issue occuring. There have highly publicized cases where children were taken to a parents native country, and it took years and hundreds of thousands in legal fees to get them back. Sometimes they even had to be "kidnapped" back.

 

He chose to play with fire, and now he has to deal with the burns.

 

You, on the other hand, need to stay out of it. Take this as a lesson learned. Don't date any more married men, ring or not. You were given important information that you chose to ignore. You will escape relatively unscathed. Him and the innocents (his wife, his child) will pay the consequences.

 

The child is the real victim here.

 

I call BS on this. Two wrongs do not make a right. There is no excuse to kidnap your child. Especially because you are pissed that your spouse cheated. I understand that is painful but it is apples and oranges to her "revenge" regardless of her fair warning.

 

So if a husband gives his wife fair warning that he is going to knock her into next Sunday if she doesn't close her mouth that he is justified in hitting her? Remember, he warned her.

[Got it]

Any, I would recommend stopping. You do not need to justify your relationship or your actions to a bunch of strangers on an internet board. I would stop with the information, one because you are disclosing a lot of personal information about your life and two I think it is very apparent that the chasm is deepening more and more between you and your audience. Right now I think it is an agree to disagree standstill.

 

You are not going to be able to convince the majority that you and especially your MM are not evil reincarnate, and there is no way to change it to show any remote support of your situation other than going completely NC and shunning him completely.

 

What are you looking for right now for support? I think starting a new thread clearly laying out your perimeters may be helpful. Right now it is pretty much a bloodbath and you are the chum.

 

(((((any)))))

[dreamingoftigers]

I honestly don't think you are "evil incarnate" Any.

 

You are in a similar life circumstance to where I was a couple years ago. My husband cheated and everything went super-sour. I lived as a single Mom during our separation and I wanted companionship. I am glad, however that nothing developed from it because I dud end up reconciling with my husband.

BUT those were some dark days.

 

My father is also an adulterer and when I found out about him and my husband (hmmm, that sounds a little weirder than intended) it just seemed like the whole world was screwing each other behind each other's back. Usually when people haven't been personally exposed to adultery, they think it is very rare and very shameful. When you have a pre-existing template for it role-modeled to you, even at a later stage in life, it completely shifts your perspective.

 

It blindsides you completely and it feels like you are the only one on the planet who isn't messing around. It cuts deep.

 

I wasn't trying to say that you were trying to just have an immature contest with the W. What I meant was that as a BS, it often seems like the OW is being treated like the Queen while the BS is treated like she isn't fit to shine OW's shoes. OW gets the attention while W gets housework.

 

What W Often doesn't see is MM flattering her but not respecting her and being constantly in and out of OWs sphere because he is scared of beingnfiund out.

 

It seems to W like OW "wins." if I had that template repeat itself and ingrained itself without any counseling and so-forth to help with the tras of being betrayed, I would be tempted to find out what all of the fuss was about and why the OW seemed to get a better deal.

 

It must be pretty overwhelming and often lonely to run around after two little people, support yourself, house chores and take care of your own needs. You probably felt a little like you were hit by a bus. I

Not surprised that after those stress factors that MM would look like he was a steady guy with the attention he gave you.

 

I don't think he's "evil" either I do think he's an idiot. But that's another thread...

 

I would imagine this thread is pretty bombarding. It seemed to really set off a powder keg. Hopefully you'll stick around and explore the A dynamic a little more.

[Any]

I haven't felt persecuted at all... I did a bad thing, I will say it me more time I DID A BAD THING I didn't come here thinking people would be all roses and sunshine and kittens. I don't really want that I want a chance to admit the bad thing I did and see if after all this bad I have done there was something good I could have done to help this little boy perhaps keep his father. The advice was leave them all alone which I have done.

 

I am in fact happy about a lot of the tough love I got here I mean if you don't want to know people opinions stop asking for them.

[Got it]

I haven't felt persecuted at all... I did a bad thing, I will say it me more time I DID A BAD THING I didn't come here thinking people would be all roses and sunshine and kittens. I don't really want that I want a chance to admit the bad thing I did and see if after all this bad I have done there was something good I could have done to help this little boy perhaps keep his father. The advice was leave them all alone which I have done.

 

I am in fact happy about a lot of the tough love I got here I mean if you don't want to know people opinions stop asking for them.

 

Okay if you are cool with it then no issues from me. I wasn't sure if you were feeling ganged up as you kept giving more and more information, a good bit of it TMI, and just adding what I perceived to be more fodder.

 

Just be careful with some of the information, if it isn't germane I would think about whether it is necessary to your point.

 

I am glad you are gaining insight.

[SidLyon]

This happened here in Australia a few weeks ago:

 

[buckeyeblue]

Got it - Not one poster on this thread said, or even suggested, that Any is "evil incarnate". Misrepresenting or misquoting posters only serves to create acrimony.

 

Any - IMO, you should go NC with both him and his wife. Move forward with your own life and focus on your girls. He is not worth the time that you have given him on this thread. It is good that you recognize that your actions were hurtful and that you don't want to repeat this. HOWEVER, there is a big difference between self-awareness and

self-denegration. The latter will not help you move forward.

[Any]

Sidlyon.... The truth about that video is that it took the father 2 years to get the kids back and by the time he has even though it was his right under the law to have them back they have grown too much to want to be with him.

[woinlove]

Any, I agree with all the others saying NC with MM and his W will be the best for you.

 

MM's response to his wife threatening to take the child to Peru if he cheated, was to continue to cheat and to sign an affidavit and send his wife and son off alone to Peru. Why he would not either stop cheating or protect himself legally in advance by filing with a court order in light of the threat is beyond comprehension for anyone who cares at all as a parent. Whatever the situation is, it is his and his wife's to deal with and they can both use legal avenues as needed.

 

Take care of yourself and go NC. For all you know, the child may not end up in Peru or if he does, he may be happier and better cared for there. One can't really know without being inside this family.

[ComingInHot]

Any;

So, have made a decision about whether you are going to try to "help" them work it out?

And if so, how do you plan to do that?

[woinlove]

I know I will probably be crucified for this but has it occurred to anyone that MAYBE he really was unhappy in the marriage and only did stay because he was so scared she would do exactly what she is doing now?

 

This doesn't make sense legally. Given the threat, he could have protected himself in advance. For some reason he chose to do the opposite, almost daring his wife by deciding not to go with her and to continue cheating. For some reason, he did not want to protect his rights as a father, which would have been simplest if he had simultaneously filed for divorce. It is not easy flying internationally with a minor child without permission from both parents, and even more so, if there is a court order restricting such travel.

 

I understand you want to make excuses for MM's behavior, but he seems extremely irresponsible as a parent. I cannot imagine behaving as he did with respect to his son, under any circumstances. His wife's actions to this point have been threatening words, which is not good, but not the same as the actual actions of MM, where he took action as if to say he didn't care if his son was taken to Peru. You call that cockiness. I call it irresponsible and uncaring as a parent.

[Spark1111]

I haven't felt persecuted at all... I did a bad thing, I will say it me more time I DID A BAD THING I didn't come here thinking people would be all roses and sunshine and kittens. I don't really want that I want a chance to admit the bad thing I did and see if after all this bad I have done there was something good I could have done to help this little boy perhaps keep his father. The advice was leave them all alone which I have done.

 

I am in fact happy about a lot of the tough love I got here I mean if you don't want to know people opinions stop asking for them.

 

hey Any...YOU are much stronger than you think you are.

 

YOU are going to be fine, which is not only good for you, but GREAT for those babies you are raising.

 

Show me a confident mother and I can almost predict successful children.

 

take heart in that. Remember, it is not what you say but how you act that children model.