She found out and now I want to get THEM back together

[bentnotbroken]

Oh and just FYI I'm sure he has done this before but the wife confirmed during our fight this was the first she has ever known of. So that's not the reason for her rules

 

 

People in marriages make rules that both agree to. He agreed or thought he wouldn't be caught. They were a couple with couple issues and their form of couple solutions.

[Any]

Well I might have become involved with a married man but that doesn't make me cheap and it doesn't make me trash as far as the affair is concerned the wife is innocent as far as the custody game she is playing her hands are far from clean.

 

And yes maybe I want to save his sorry ass because I still love him I'm sure it would the best thing for me if I never spoke to him again but that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts like hell to not hear from him anymore.

[Any]

I understand whom you're talking about but when you say MOM what does it stand for?

 

Maybe I am stupid but I can't help but wish he would call.... I even wish I could go back four days and warn him she was going to find out so she wouldn't and I could at very least still know if he was alive or not. However my own hurt has nothing to do with the original post.

[bentnotbroken]

I understand whom you're talking about but when you say MOM what does it stand for?

 

Maybe I am stupid but I can't help but wish he would call.... I even wish I could go back four days and warn him she was going to find out so she wouldn't and I could at very least still know if he was alive or not. However my own hurt has nothing to do with the original post.

 

 

He is alive and the fact that he hasn't contacted you gives you a small clue that he is working his azz off to win her back or to figure out how to get his child back. Let him alone to do that. Even if you could go back to warn him and if she didn't find out...what are you hoping for with this person who would put his child's stability at risk. If she hadn't left the country her emotional health directly affects her child...especially one so young. Is this the out come you want?

[jwi71]

Well I might have become involved with a married man but that doesn't make me cheap and it doesn't make me trash as far as the affair is concerned the wife is innocent as far as the custody game she is playing her hands are far from clean.

 

I've not read anyone come even close to calling you cheap or tawdry.

And, stop focusing the on the W. she, of all three involved in this is the MOST innocent.

 

And yes maybe I want to save his sorry ass because I still love him I'm sure it would the best thing for me if I never spoke to him again but that doesn't change the fact that it still hurts like hell to not hear from him anymore.

 

And the truth comes out.

Thank you for sharing that.

 

Please realize one thing. No one prevents the MM from contacting you - it's HIS choice. He doesn't call because he sent want to.

 

Think no further than that as it is all conjecture from there. You don't reay know why he doesn't - just that he doesn't. And it's HIS choice.

 

I greatly prefer to focus on YOU and less them.

 

A question if I may. Do you believe he was misleading while flirting and not divulging he was M? If so, why would he?

[Any]

It gives me a clues that he is either working his ass off or that he hates my guts I'm not really sure which

[Any]

Yes he was misleading and yes he was the one who had the affair yes he is a horrible person and yes he got what he deserved.... We don't choose who we love and yes I have a great wealth of self esteem issues. during the course of our affair I met a wonderful man and am currently in the process of totally sabotaging this potential relationship by remaining emotionally invested in his marriages Greek tragedy however bar years of therapy I'm not quite sure how to correct my self

[jwi71]

Yes he was misleading and yes he was the one who had the affair yes he is a horrible person and yes he got what he deserved.... We don't choose who we love and yes I have a great wealth of self esteem issues. during the course of our affair I met a wonderful man and am currently in the process of totally sabotaging this potential relationship by remaining emotionally invested in his marriages Greek tragedy however bar years of therapy I'm not quite sure how to correct my self

 

Then I would suggest IC for you - no one here is a therapist.

I think it's the most appropriate course of action for you.

Use LS as a value-add to IC - not a substitute for.

[dreamingoftigers]

Who f_cking cares what his options are or aren't.

You aren't his savior. You arent the arbiter of justice in HIS M.

 

That's for THEM to settle - not you.

 

What POSITIVES can you bring to their dynamic?

 

None - in fact, you are a NEGATIVE.

 

Fair or not - it is what it is.

 

One last thing, dont presume to know the truth. Very very few OW do - and those that ARE close to the truth are years on as OW. That's not you here and now.

 

This is what I was going to point out in nicer, fluffier, easier to digest words.

 

We can all choose to pity the fool and hate the wife

 

OR

 

We can all choose to pity the wife and hate the fool

 

But who gives a sh*t?

 

And who does it help? It doesn't help you Any, and you are the one looking for some sense in your role in this.

 

Your boundaries are totally shot. No offense, seriously.

 

Boundaries by Cloud and Townshend I'm sure you can order it online.

 

You have 0 idea what the wife has been/is going through. He might be a very loving Dad. He could easily be an abusive, lying manipulator. This could have been the absolute last straw. She could very well soften up a bit back home.

 

My father's OW had NO CLUE what he was REALLY LIKE to his family. Plenty of cheaters lead total double lives and for the love of God they seem to keep the same script in their back pocket. Un-freaking-real. They should distribute it in sex-ed classes around the continent.

 

Very few are going to jump on the "defend the cheating husband who risked his child" bandwagon. No one is even saying very much about the wife. Period. No one is saying, "well we see why she's doing that, she's SuperMom." Pretty much across the board we range a slight variation of "kidnapping bad" "manipulation bad" and "we don't really know what the Hell is going on with these jokers but we do know that he is a liar who knew the possibilities upfront with his son. Instead, he chose to chase some ass (i.e. YOU) who got thrown under the bus. He called you a whore! And you are defending this guy?

 

Why are you so focused on presenting to everyone here that he's a "good Dad" and "she's a witch?"

 

You aren't with him. He's a total liar that called you a whore. He backbenched his kid. His wife's a potential psycho or at the very least escaping a lying cheating husband. You couldn't care less about that kid, almost every time he is mentioned, you are mentioning the effect it would have on the father and how he "doesn't deserve this."

 

Why are you so intent on giving him a VICTIM ROLE and her a PERSECUTOR ROLE? Why are you so absorbed into this? Why aren't you at home, licking your wounds, crying into your lemon-scented spa bath eating ice cream, getting over your breakup and planning your kids weekend?

 

Why aren't you like "sonofabitch, lesson learned. I'll never go the heck there again. No more married men."?

 

Why aren't you going....oh crap, what the heck did I ignore that got me into this sh**tstorm? Why aren't you saying: I just got out of a divorce, why don't I get some counseling and find healthier dating options because I feel somewhat responsible and guilty for what happened?

 

Where's the introspection here? Where's the "oh man, he's got a mess to clean up."? Subsequently followed by an under-your-breath: "I think she's a bitch but whatever."

[dreamingoftigers]

Yes he was misleading and yes he was the one who had the affair yes he is a horrible person and yes he got what he deserved.... We don't choose who we love and yes I have a great wealth of self esteem issues. during the course of our affair I met a wonderful man and am currently in the process of totally sabotaging this potential relationship by remaining emotionally invested in his marriages Greek tragedy however bar years of therapy I'm not quite sure how to correct my self

 

Love is not this punch-your-lights out phenomenon.

 

It comes after knowing and touching the person for awhile. Getting to know what they are about. What they are actually about.

 

Your affair just ended and you are still heavily emotionally invested in it and you are dating someone else PLUS you just got a divorce.

 

Seriously. Spend about 1.5 years single working on yourself.

 

Start an exercise program if you haven't. Seek IC YESTERDAY. Branch out with friends/relatives/church. Stop the dating conveyor belt for awhile.

 

Spend more time building a bond with your kids. I find that there is rarely as much time as I'd like and you have more than one.

 

Seriously, just slow down. Read more. With self-esteem issues etc. you aren't in a good enough space to be a good and healthy partner. So you aren't really going to be able to meaningfully attract and connect with a healthy partner. Especially if they hear of this having happened a couple months prior.

 

There's over 3 billion guys on the planet. I am pretty sure that some of the of age ones will be available after you take a break for a bit. Heal up. Chasing around these people's minds and lives in full colour is exhausting.

[dreamingoftigers]

Your feelings will betray you constantly unless you learn how to use your brain from stopping what your feelings are doing to you. Men generally take advantage of women like you. I would not be surprised if your exH played a number on you.

 

But, I repeat: A woman with good self esteem is repulsed by cheating married men.

 

And yes it is no crime to have a low self-esteem.

 

BUT you want to model something different for your kidlettes, surely.

[Any]

By recently divorced I've been divorced since I was pregnant with my 1 year old so almost 19 months... Not super new but also not all that long. And married man is the first person I have been involved with since my divorce

[dreamingoftigers]

Pierre.... Why are you on this forum just out of curiosity? You seem to know a lot about cheating men I mean just how many married men have you slept with?

 

It seems that experience sleeping with married men is not necessary to predict the obvious behaviour patterns and outcomes.

 

In fact. This forum often suggests that the converse is true.

 

However, who would provide the best quality research on behavioural patterns of addicts:

 

A: A group of crackheads in a crackhouse (unlikely to show up and present a thesis paper for evaluation)

B: A group of university researchers who observe and study crackheads for an extended period of time and note each behavioural change and action and are able to synthesize and predict outcomes.

 

The crackheads are more likely to tell you how each nuance felt and certain internal motivations. But it is entirely possible that the researchers will not just crack and record the rituals of highly-addicted crackheads but be able to see when one could expire or recover. They could also study the brain functions etc. behind the addiction. Tweak certain factors and narrow down potential causes.

 

I would trust Pierre for his insight before I would trust 80% of the MM on this site to give a straight answer. The same as I would trust a person who predicts based on behavioural patterns vs. a crackhead who is high, who's answer to why he gets high is "my wife's a bitch and I can't take that sh*t."

[Spark1111]

By recently divorced I've been divorced since I was pregnant with my 1 year old so almost 19 months... Not super new but also not all that long. And married man is the first person I have been involved with since my divorce

 

men, not of the best sort, can smell lonely and vulnerable from a million miles away.

 

IC would help you become stronger, less vulnerable, so these types do not prey upon you.

 

is it intentional on their part? maybe not. but ALL men love attention and ego-stroking, especially from an attractive and vulnerable woman..

 

She is lashing out at you because you are the OW and it protects her psyche to blame you because.....it is too early to blame him as she loved and trusted him....but she will. In time.

 

he can't call you. Any additional contact and she is on the next plane home.

 

It's sad if he is throwing you under the bus. The often do out of fear of losing the marriage and the family.

 

all you can do is focus on you and your family now.

 

I do not think you can turn back the clock or make this better for them.

[dreamingoftigers]

By recently divorced I've been divorced since I was pregnant with my 1 year old so almost 19 months... Not super new but also not all that long. And married man is the first person I have been involved with since my divorce

 

Oh boy, they are quite a gem at that age, mine is not much older.

 

How do you have time as a single mom to hit the dating scene with such a little person at home?

 

My husband and I barely scrape together an afternoon a week and we just have the one. Housework in and of itself is tough to keep up with.

 

If you don't mind my asking, how old are you?

 

My guess is around my age.

[Any]

I'm 28 and if by dating you are referring to sneaking around with a married man that took place late at night after the kids where asleep and he left early morning before they woke up... Coffee was my best friend.

 

If by dating you mean the man I am actually suppose to be having a relationship with that happens on an infrequent basis like once a week or 10 days and my mother or sister watch my girls then or he comes over for a movie. He lives an hour away. My obvious self esteem issues makes me far more needy for attention then I should be meaning the man I should be starting a potentially good relationship with is less attractive to me because he only calls or text once every couple days where as mm was calling every day and texting over 100 times a day.

[Got it]

And luckily there is no law against giving sex to a married man. :love:

 

What I am saying is that quite often sanctimonious folks claim the "It is not against the law" excuse to justify their actions. But, you are correct, this is another discussion. Furthermore, the OP OW is remorseful and rightfully so.

 

Sure, same disconnect for those that are pro-life but agree with capital punishment.

 

Most people are "sanctimonious" at times in different things. We are a very hypocritical animal. Do as I say, not as I do.

[Any]

We are hypocritical because words are cheap and action is difficult I know what I did was wrong and I can openly say I was wrong because those words are easy but in a week or two if he calls or texts could I honestly turn him away I don't know that's yet to be seen because again the words I say are easy actions take a far bigger commitment. What would be best is if he simply never spoke to me again (something most people who know of the situation say is very unlikely) but again his words to his wife of remorse were cheap the action it would take to never communicate again would be far more taxing for him.

[Quiet Storm]

His wife warned him up front about what her consequences to cheating would be.

 

He thought he was too smart to get caught. People in international marriages should be especially aware of the possibility of a custody issue occuring. There have highly publicized cases where children were taken to a parents native country, and it took years and hundreds of thousands in legal fees to get them back. Sometimes they even had to be "kidnapped" back.

 

He chose to play with fire, and now he has to deal with the burns.

 

You, on the other hand, need to stay out of it. Take this as a lesson learned. Don't date any more married men, ring or not. You were given important information that you chose to ignore. You will escape relatively unscathed. Him and the innocents (his wife, his child) will pay the consequences.

 

The child is the real victim here.

[Any]

And Pierre... If she doesn't forgive him high tales it to Peru and takes the kid then what no phone call? Since you seem to be the married man guru.

[ThatJustHappened]

And Pierre... If she doesn't forgive him high tales it to Peru and takes the kid then what no phone call? Since you seem to be the married man guru.

 

It's none of your concern what happens then. You really need to stop worrying so much about him and start worrying about yourself and what your next steps are. Inserting yourself into his situation with his wife and family is not helpful for anybody involved..not him..not his son..and most definitely not you.

[Any]

I have stayed out of it since Saturday when the crap hit the fan so to speak.... Posting hypotheticals online is hardly inserting my self. Also please cut me a little slack no matter how wrong this relationship was it still has only been over for a few days and my own roses glasses want to see some harmonious ending to it.... Even if logically I don't see one.

[ThatJustHappened]

I have stayed out of it since Saturday when the crap hit the fan so to speak.... Posting hypotheticals online is hardly inserting my self. Also please cut me a little slack no matter how wrong this relationship was it still has only been over for a few days and my own roses glasses want to see some harmonious ending to it.... Even if logically I don't see one.

 

It's not doing you any good to go over hypotheticals though. That's my point. This isn't healthy behavior.

 

Edit: I'm not criticizing you. I understand wanting to help someone you love even if it's to your own detriment. I'm just saying that it doesn't help..you're only hurting yourself more by speculating.

[jwi71]

And Pierre... If she doesn't forgive him high tales it to Peru and takes the kid then what no phone call? Since you seem to be the married man guru.

 

Tough titties.

 

He KNEW the consequence and didn't care.

 

Basically, he gambled, lost and gets to pay the piper.

 

For Pete's sake - you didn't rape him. He choose the A. You chose the A.

 

Own the consequence.

[Any]

I have a theory every man cheats period.... Given enough time and oppertunity.