Am I cold hearted? Heres my story

[mercedes579]

So much has been going on in my life that I need a place to vent and let out my feelings. I'm in the process of getting an individual counselor however that would only be one or two times a week so I'd love to have a place like this to get my feelings out whenever needed.

 

I was adopted and moved to the US as a baby. Grow up in the northeast with a brother (also adopted, not blood related) who is 3 yrs older than me, and two older sisters (14 yrs older from my adopted fathers first marriage). i had a good childhood, was given everything i needed and was happy. although i was very sheltered from the world because of my parents fears that i would end up with the problems (drinking, pregnancy) that my siblings had while teenagers. i had some emotional problems while growing up and had a therapist but nothing every came out of it.

 

at 18 i moved 1.5hrs away for college. it was the first time i had been away from my family. i had lived a very sheltered life, never got in trouble, never even thought of doing anything to get in trouble...just wasnt in my head. as a freshman in college i drank for the first time and started doing the regular college things. it was a good time. i probably drank more than i should have and made some poor choices but nothing too extreme. i also met my now husband when i was an 18 year old freshman. he was one year ahead of me in college and we had seen each other on campus. we started talking at a local underage bar that was popular with all the students. we had an off and on relationship for 10 years (mostly on). During that time, we had a lot of issues and we both enjoyed drinking and hanging out. After 10 years, we were engaged and now have been married for 5 years. I knew from the day i met him in school that he was the one. not sure why, i just knew. yet i always said that because of my sheltered life, he was the one person who had done so many mean things to me. yet i stayed because i always knew we would grow up.

 

fast forward to where we are now. we have three kids a 4.5 year old girl,*a 2.5 year old girl and a 9 month old boy. my husband never stopped drinking after college and it started increasing over the last few years. he always had a good job and provided for the family financially so i just waited for the drinking to stop. last christmas (2011) things were bad and we had a big fight and spent our first christmas apart. at that point, something in me snapped. not sure what it was, and i didnt even realize until now that it happened. my husband and i had a long talk about it last night and here is what we believe happened in my head:

 

i snapped and started hating my husband, pretty much giving up on our marriage. i felt he loved alcohol more than our family, i was angry with him for all the hurt he had caused me over the years, and he wasnt providing me with the emotional attention that i wanted. so what did i do? i set my sights on my married neighbor. i didnt really realize it at the time, but its almost like i targeted him and made myself available to him. we live in a small condo complex with a courtyard where our kids played together. i would always bring my kids outside to play when he was out with his kids. we would chat and we developed a friendship. eventually we started discussing our marital problems. we used to text each other about play dates for the kids and it moved to personal texting and an emotional affair. then, the affair went physical. we built a relationship like we were dating even though we were both married and we were both friends with each others spouses. this emotional and physical affair went on for 6 months. towards the end things were getting too intense for us both and we decided to stop it. then what did i do? i decided to play with this other mans emotions and tell him that i was going to disclose our affair to my husband. after days of the other man worrying about this happening (i was ignorning his texts/visits) he ended up telling his wife about some of the affair. after that, i told my husband. the other man (OM) and I both used the "trickle truth" method only telling bits and pieces and trying to minimalize what we had done. eventually everything came out and we cut off all contact between our families.

 

so last night my husband and i had a long discussion about what happened. we determined that i was seeking revenge on my husband because i felt justified by the hurt he had caused me. i figured if we divorced, i was pretty much a single mom anyway because of his drinking. and if we stayed together, he had hurt me so much so its like i considered our hurt even. as for OM, i targeted him, used him, and then spit him out.

 

now im trying to figure out what the heck is wrong with me. im obviously going to seek professional help however this is a nice outlet for me. im not even sure anyone will read this however it feels good to let out some truths and not to be fake and pretend that all is well. i was telling my husband last night that its almost like i tried to be this perfect person who did no wrong my whole life and i let people walk all over me. then i decided that if other people could do those things to me, then why did i have to be nice? i could do that too. i dont want to be that person. i hurt people who never did a thing wrong to me. yet i have little remorse for my actions. its a bit scary to myself and to my husband (who by the way has been sober for 3 weeks).

 

so....lots going on in my mind. cant wait to start sorting out all the things scrambled in my brain. thanks for allowing me to vent on here. kids are now awake so i cant proofread this mess of a post. oh well

[Taramere]

Have you any theories about why you don't feel remorse over this?

[mercedes579]

Have you any theories about why you don't feel remorse over this?

 

i think i have no remorse for my husband because of the hurt that i attribute to him over the years. i have no theory as to why i have no remorse for hurting OM and for hurting his wife who i had started to become friendly with before everything came out. my entire life i put everyone else before me and i was walked on by so many people. so maybe im subconsciously revenging that? no clue.

[Taramere]

i think i have no remorse for my husband because of the hurt that i attribute to him over the years. i have no theory as to why i have no remorse for hurting OM and for hurting his wife who i had started to become friendly with before everything came out. my entire life i put everyone else before me and i was walked on by so many people. so maybe im subconsciously revenging that? no clue.

 

Well, guilt is a terrible sensation to have and I think that it's human nature to try to avoid it. Doesn't automatically mean you're a cold hearted "without conscience" psychopath. Additionally life can be a litigious business which contributes towards people tending to blame-shift wherever possible. You often hear about people talking about the need to take responsibility, but usually they mean other people rather than themselves.

 

Blameshifting after cheating is definitely not an uncommon thing. I'm sure lots of people discover all kinds of strong negative feelings they have about their spouse after they've cheated on that spouse...and again, I think though some of the sources they see for the anger might be real enough it's also probably also a coping mechanism to stave off guilt. "They deserved it really" or, at least, "there's no need for me to feel that bad about it, after all he/she is a pretty bad person..."

 

But while it's maybe a useful short term coping mechanism for staving off guilt, if you start hardening up as a person and not feeling remorse for anything, then that's similar to the way a psychopath functions. It might give you a temporary sense of power, but if you keep hardening up and not having a conscience, longer term you're going to find that you alienate people. Which won't bring you much happiness.

 

I should think if you're getting counselling, gradually teasing out how you really feel about all this so that you can confront those negative feelings (anger with your husband, guilt about cheating on him etc) in a manageable way, and in a safe feeling environment - ie with the support of a counsellor - will probably be the way forward.

[Eternal Sunshine]

The problem seems to be that you have been unable to assert your boundaries most of your life and as a result your needs have rarely been met. That stared building lots of anger and resentment under the surface that piled on over the years. Then the dam burst as there was no place for this to go anymore but out. You acted out and have released some pressure and you may feel better temporarily. But if you don't resolve your underlying problem in a healthy manner (i.e asserting yourself and having your needs met by your H and others), it will become a downward spiral.

[Mantha03]

You are not a cold person maybe lacking discernment. When we are hurt we tend to want to hurt the person who hurt us. Sometimes we take it too far. The affair, not exactly the right way to deal with the pain from your husbands drinking. His drinking was quite selfish to drive you to such lengths. Counseling may help you but he also needs help too.

[Phoebe]

I think that it's a good idea that you're going to individual counselling, you may also want to see if there are any al-anon groups and check out Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. I personally have found that website very helpful. It can be very emotionally draining to live with an alcoholic. Do you think you may suffer from depression?

 

In my personal opinion you should not stay with someone who has shown you the most meaness in your life just because you believe that he will grow up. With time everyone ages, not everyone matures.

 

Hopefully counselling will allow you to make good healthy decisions for yourself and your children. In a perfect world your husband would also be looking at ways of recovery. I want to tell you something I learnt at www.soberrecover.com and that is the 3 Cs: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure someone elses drinking problem. They have to want it for themselves and not everyone does.

 

Good luck to you.

[Forever Learning]

I think that it's a good idea that you're going to individual counselling, you may also want to see if there are any al-anon groups and check out Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information. I personally have found that website very helpful. It can be very emotionally draining to live with an alcoholic. Do you think you may suffer from depression?

 

In my personal opinion you should not stay with someone who has shown you the most meaness in your life just because you believe that he will grow up. With time everyone ages, not everyone matures.

 

Hopefully counselling will allow you to make good healthy decisions for yourself and your children. In a perfect world your husband would also be looking at ways of recovery. I want to tell you something I learnt at www.soberrecover.com and that is the 3 Cs: you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure someone elses drinking problem. They have to want it for themselves and not everyone does.

 

Good luck to you.

 

Super websites, thanks for sharing those!!

[Phoebe]

Super websites, thanks for sharing those!!

 

Can't take the credit. Someone on here directed me to the first website and the second website was a typo.