Ex-Fiance e-mailed me but not sure what to do

[trouble]

Hello everyone.

 

It has been almost five weeks since my fiance and I broke up. As some of you will remember from earlier posts- we had a fight (the first major one) I told him that if he really felt that way I didn't want to marry him, gave the ring back, and left to drive home (I had to leave at that time anyway). I later came to my senses and drove back the 2 hours and apologized. Anyway- he ended deciding to end the engagement because I had always promised him that I would never leave him. He said it was too hard to go through that again.

 

So we had put the house on the market and he was going to move to my home town where I just started a new job. My furniture and things were still in his house because I was waiting to move into our new house. He moved all of my things into one room downstairs so it would be easier for me to move them out after he decided to end the engagement. Then the realtor called and stated that she needed to come over the next day to take pictures for the virtual tour. He ended up moving my things into storage.

 

He e-mailed me explaining that he was going to do it and that he would mail me the key and instructions on the code etc. Then the next day when he moved the stuff he e-mailed me explaining that he had moved everything and what size truck I will probably need. He ended it with I hope you are doing ok. Two days later I received the package in the mail with the key etc. It was weird that he e-mailed me the second time basically telling me what he already had said the day before. Ok so I didn't respond and it has been 2 weeks since that e-mail. Today I get another e-mail reminding me (again) that the storage building was rented for 1 month and I have 10 days to get my things out or renew the rental. He ended it with I don't want you to loose all of your things.

 

Now sorry for the length and I maybe reading into all of this but isn't it odd that he is e-mailing me to tell me the same thing? Is it possible that he is expecting a response. I didn't respond and haven't contacted him in almost 3 weeks. I was the one that wanted it to work and almost begged him and told him I would be here if he changed his mind. Then I wised up and decided that I shouldn't continue to talk to him or e-mail him.

 

Grant it, I know that he didn't say anything that could be interpreted as an open-ended question that warrants a response- however, I just find it odd that he even is concerned with the fact that my things will have to be moved in 10 days.

 

I know I am rambling but there are so many people on this site that offer good insight into situations. I guess I am wondering what you think about this sudden e-mail and if I am doing the right thing by not contacting or responding to him.

[smile95]

I think you are handling it right and VERY well. How are you so strong? DO you not have feelings for him anymore? He probably really wants to know how you are so that he can feel like you cannot live with out him and by not responding, he prob wonders what you are up to. My guess is that he keeps emailing to find a reason to contact you and to hope that you tell him you miss him and love him and blah blah blah....you must be very strong. I wish I could be that way! Hang in there. Do not give him the pleasure of knowing how you are doing. Even if you are not doing well, NEVER tell him that. Any tips to me on how to get over someone???

[trouble]

Beth

I didn't want to go on forever in my post for fear that I wouldn't get any responses but I guess I did leave out my feelings. I love him very much and was devastated when he decided that. I am in my late twenties and he is in his mid thirties. Our wedding was to be in 3 months. I would love to be back with him but I have decided that I have to continue with my life and get back on track or else it won't ever work.

 

One of the reasons we started fighting was due to my overwhelming stress level. As I have posted before- I had just graduated from law school, was recovering from a bad car accident, moved from the town I had lived in for 3 years(where I was in school), got engaged, was long distant from my fiance and started my first law job- oh yeah and planning a wedding. I started to take my stress out on him. I know that I want to be with him but I also know that it isn't up to me alone. He has to want to come back and he has to want me or else we both will be unhappy.

 

I was an emotional basket case at first. I lost 15 pounds and I wasn't over 120 as it was. I couldn't sleep or anything. But my friends rallied around me and actually posting here helped. I learned that even if we did get back together it wouldn't help me not to continue to work on my life and if we didn't the same was true. Either way moving on was a win-win situation.

 

I don't know how to answer your question about your situation because I don't know anything about it. Was this a boyfriend, fiance, husband? Who broke it off and why? How old are you and is this your first real serious relationship? Let me know and I will do my best to help you.

 

Hang in there- one day you will laugh again.

[smile95]

well mine is a long story.....been with bf 2 yrs, but he is going thru a divorce and custody and shut me out during this time. We talked of the future and made plans and now he does not even speak to me. He usually does this until his stress level lowers and than calls, but me waiting kills me. I have also lost a ton of weight over the last year and I am not happy. It breaks my heart that he is ignoriong me, but most people say he needs space until his div is over. I want to truly move on, but it is hard when I feel in limbo? We never broke up. SOme days i cry so much and others I feel strong. I literally lay in a ball and cry and miss him and wonder why he does not miss me. It sucks. I never should have started this relationship while he was only serarated.

I am 28 and he is 29. I want to move on and if he comes back.fine, but it always is in my head if today will be the day he calls. I even asked him if he could at least email me yes or no if we should break up and no response. He has done this to me before and calls when I leave him a lone for some time becasue he thinks Ihave moved on. Love is not supposed to hurt and not supposed to be these games! I want so much for this to work, but he breaks my heart.

 

What do you think will happen with you two? When did you see/talk last?

[trouble]

Beth

I am not judging you or your feelings but it seems as if what he is doing is a form of emotional abuse. Now I am not calling him an abuser or that he is doing it on purpose. It isn't good to be involved with someone who constantly needs to leave you guessing. It sounds like a power trip and he need to control you. I am sorry for your pain and I hope it gets better.

 

I last saw him 4 1/2 weeks ago. I went up to talk to him after he sent me an e-mail saying that he had thought about it and didn' t thing we should be together and that we needed to talk. We talked for 5 hours that night and it really seemed like we were making progress. He seemed affectionate and on the verge of saying ok let's give it another try. We hadn't ever broken up before so I wasn't sure how he was going to respond. We had sex that night and then I left to go back to work the next morning. That was Thursday and I talked to him the following Saturday. That was the last time that I talked to him. He e-mailed me to tell me about the stuff the following weekend and then tonight. Like I said, the e-mail didn't ask me any questions or say anything that seemed like he wanted me to talk to him. I just thought it was odd that he would even send it to me when he already explained to me twice that I he only paid for the building for a month and I had to get my stuff by a certain date.

[smile95]

I have read about emotional abuse and he does that a lot and does not even know it. He always wants to be reassured that I love him and by me calling and chasing that is his way of knowing. Actaully hearing it from you though...opens my eyes some more.

 

In your situation....I am a little confused...are you back together? Did you talk that night about getting back? What do you want? Is he a good guy or did you fight a lot? If he was a good guy and you were treated well, I would try and work it out. If you were not happy, maybe you should move on. Sometimes things like this happen for a reason and we do not really know why until we look back later

[trouble]

Beth

We never fought before the major one. We had a couple of weeks where we argued prior to the fight. I was under a lot of stress and I took it out on him. I was wrong. He is a great guy. We never fought and he always seemed so caring. We talked about never giving up regardless of what happens and that is why it came as such a shock to my family and friends when he chose to end it.

 

We are not back together. He decided that he didn't want to go down the road because he was afraid that I would leave him again and he coudln't handle that. He was married before and his wife cheated on him while they were dating and then 10 years later cheated on him during their marriage. He blamed himself for not taking the first cheating as a warning sign. Therefore he saw my desire to leave and give up during the argument as a weakness and that I may do it again in our marriage.

 

I would love to give it another chance but he told me it was done. I just decided to try the no contact thing so it would make him really think about life without me. He is still selling the house and moving but he is staying in the Atlanta area. I miss him but I can't e-mail him just to say "Hi" He has to indicate that he is interested in communciation more than just "Don't forget to get your things."

[smile95]

I wish you luck in the healing process and maybe when he has the chance to really miss you he will call. I know from exp that once a partner hurts you, you are very very scared the next will do the same and even blame the new one for thiings the last one did(which is not right). But something you cannot help. I was cheated on and now I am paranoid that everyone will do that to me. I hope that he realizes somethings in your time apart. If you move on and he comes back, great...if not, at least youwill have your life back and start to be ahppy again.

[trouble]

Beth

Thanks for the support. It is hard for me not to respond to his e-mail just because it is initiated contact and it opens the door for me to respond. I know that it is too soon and it has only been 4 weeks since we communciated. I miss him very much and love him but I have to give him space and time. I will continue to work on me in hopes that things will only get better.

[smile95]

I am approaching 4 wks and still struggling with it. Ijust have to give up and if he does decide totalk to me, I guess he will call. I am not chasing like before. Good luck!