How to bear being around my rude and highly critical mother?

[lemonlegs]

Hi everyone. I'm a 21 year old female who lives at home with both of my parents. Truthfully, my parents aren't happy together and should not be living together. Why neither of them do anything about it is beyond me. They don't sleep in the same bedroom, and they quite blatantly do not want to be together in any sort of romantic relationship (they're not even married, just common law.)

 

My mom always seems as though she's in a bad mood and I believe it is because she's truly miserable, but I am so sick of being around her and having to listen to her rant and rave about how useless me and my dad are (my twin sister lives in a different province) and how much she hates cleaning the house, and how badly she wants to live on her own. She's always muttering this stuff, which makes me feel like crap, and I'm sure it makes my dad feel like crap as well, and the minute I comment on how rude she's being, she will go on about my laziness. When in reality, I'm barely ever home, I think I maybe will eat meals at home 4 times a week, and am a full time student in my last year of university, working a part time job. I never ask anything of her, for money, she NEVER lets me drive her car, so basically the fact that I sit in my room when I'm home doesn't seem like they're doing me any great favours. I don't mean to sound ungrateful that they're letting me live here, but that's the LEAST they could do since my mom would disown me if I wasn't in school (which I'm paying entirely by myself.)

 

Also, my mom gets mad over little things such as giving my boyfriend a piece of fruit for breakfast before he goes to work in the morning, making comments like "I can barely afford to feed our family!" meanwhile his family of 7 (!!!) has me over for dinner multiple times a week and always welcomes me, whereas I feel like my mom gets mad at my boyfriend for eating at our house.

 

I find all of this upsetting, especially because I can't even say anything about it because it just turns into her getting angry. So I have to listen to my mom bitch about me and my dad, without saying anything about. And though she might be miserable for whatever reason, she does nothing herself to better the situation, which is extremely frustrating.

 

I know most of you are thinking "move out", which I would absolutely LOVE to, but it's just not possible when I am still in school, barely able to work 20 hours a week with my course load, and am approaching having to pay off a 20K student loan. So unfortunately, it's not really an option for a little while.

 

How do I handle this?

 

EDIT: I guess I should say that she is a good mom for the most part, but now more than ever, she's been having these episodes where she gets extremely rude and hard to talk to.

Edited January 15, 2013 by lemonlegs

[TwinkletOes26]

How old is your mom approx age? Sounds like shes going through menopause and depression. Those two combined yeah its rough. I feel what you are going through my mother did the same thing. God knows if you try to talk to my mom shes either dismiss me or start yelling. Not to mention your mom maybe depressed cause she knows she isnt happ with your father.

 

Since it seems you cant talk to her i would say keep your distance,bide your time and finish school. Try to get out quickly things like this regarding a parents marriage is best left to the parents.Let her and your dad work out their marital issues. In the mean time see about getting dorm on campus if possible. Then that way you would be away most of the time.

[lemonlegs]

How old is your mom approx age? Sounds like shes going through menopause and depression. Those two combined yeah its rough. I feel what you are going through my mother did the same thing. God knows if you try to talk to my mom shes either dismiss me or start yelling. Not to mention your mom maybe depressed cause she knows she isnt happ with your father.

 

Since it seems you cant talk to her i would say keep your distance,bide your time and finish school. Try to get out quickly things like this regarding a parents marriage is best left to the parents.Let her and your dad work out their marital issues. In the mean time see about getting dorm on campus if possible. Then that way you would be away most of the time.

 

Thanks for the input. My mom's 51, and I know she's already gone through menopause, but depression seems more the issue. Not clinical depression, but definitely just general unhappiness. However, she tends to blame everyone else, including me, and it's really hard to live with. She's also overly critical of everything I do.

 

I'm in my last year of my undergrad, and a dorm would be much more costly than getting an apartment, but thanks anyways.

[venusianx13]

Hi lemonlegs. I can commiserate with you. I'm 30 years old, and my mother is also highly critical and generally exhibits a negative and miserable attitude. You won't be able to change your mother's behavior. The only good advice I can give is that you should avoid being around her at all costs. I've been having similar issues with my mother recently and have resorted to avoiding interaction with her altogether. It's hard, and it's not truly what I want our relationship to be like, but it's for my own sanity at this point. If you can do the same, you should. Find refuge somewhere else that you feel safe. And for those times you do have to interact with her, be mindful of the things that might set her off and well, just do your best to not let those things happen. I'm still learning how to do this, myself... best of luck to you.

[CC12]

I never ask anything of her, for money, she NEVER lets me drive her car, so basically the fact that I sit in my room when I'm home doesn't seem like they're doing me any great favours.

 

They actually are doing you a great favor by letting you live there (rent free?) while you finish school. You come off as a bit entitled. They realistically don't owe you anything. You're an adult now and you're responsible for yourself. The fact that they let you live there and they feed you (and your friends, sometimes) is something that you should be very thankful for.

 

I've read through your OP a couple of times, and I honestly don't see that you have any real, legitimate gripes, except for her saying you're useless. That's not nice. It's pretty bitchy. But the rest? Maybe she has a point. She bitches about cleaning the house? That's reasonable because cleaning the house does suck. Do you help her clean? (I'm guessing you don't, because you said you're rarely ever home and when you are, you sit in your room.) She bitches about you giving food away? Maybe she really can't afford it, or just plain doesn't want to hand it out. That's completely reasonable. She bitches about you being lazy when you try to call her out on her bad moods? Maybe you actually are being lazy around the house and she doesn't feel the need to take any **** from her adult child who still lives at home?

[Nyla]

Some mothers like to take out unhappiness on their children.

 

When I lived at home, I spent a lot of time doing housework.

 

My mother would scream and insult me because the housework was never done well enough for her.

 

Eventually, I stopped doing it because it didn't matter how hard I tried, my mom would find something to complain about. She is a very miserable and unhappy person.

 

You could go to school part time and work full time. That is what I did when I moved out at 21.

 

I couldn't stand being called names if I went out or being embarrassed in front of any man I brought home to meet my parents. I also hated watching my brothers go out and have fun, while I was expected to stay home all the time.

 

Leaving home was the best thing I ever did. My mom was filled with remorse when I left, but I had enough.