Stoic44 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 >We need to have a follow up talk: 1. Where do we go from here? 2. When do I see you again? 3. What is the frequency? 4. If I am in the top spot will you cut down the time you are seeing the other guy? What I don't like about this list is the mindset that kind of puts her in the driver's seat and you down below--when can I get to see you again and how often, and "if I am in the top spot." What I think you need to do is: Figure out what you want from this, ask her what she wants then explain what you want, and see if you guys meet somewhere in the middle.
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 >We need to have a follow up talk: 1. Where do we go from here? 2. When do I see you again? 3. What is the frequency? 4. If I am in the top spot will you cut down the time you are seeing the other guy? What I don't like about this list is the mindset that kind of puts her in the driver's seat and you down below--when can I get to see you again and how often, and "if I am in the top spot." What I think you need to do is: Figure out what you want from this, ask her what she wants then explain what you want, and see if you guys meet somewhere in the middle. I agree stoic they are really my questions for both of us. I should have phrased them differently.
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I think when the dumper meets up with us post BU and those emotions come back for them it is more like they are revisiting an important part of their lives and are saying GOOD BYE again ie Closure. They cry, hug us, maybe have sex with us..but again it is a good bye. They have moved on and suck us dry. That is why NC is so important. They can handle this. We cant. We misinterpret this as them wanting to try again. They almost never do. Chapter closed. Sorry
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I think when the dumper meets up with us post BU and those emotions come back for them it is more like they are revisiting an important part of their lives and are saying GOOD BYE again ie Closure. They cry, hug us, maybe have sex with us..but again it is a good bye. They have moved on and suck us dry. That is why NC is so important. They can handle this. We cant. We misinterpret this as them wanting to try again. They almost never do. Chapter closed. Sorry That is harsh. You maybe right but then again maybe not.
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) That is harsh. You maybe right but then again maybe not. Sorry man. I do hope it works out for you. It was more a general observation from my experiences and many threads I've read. i was just thinking about the thread bellow when posted what i said before. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366944-hurt-n-cert-n I hope you buck the trend. I can only imagine how hard this is for you right now. I didn't mean to sound indifferent to the pain and hope your feeling all mixed together. I feel for you man. This stuff is really rough. Hang in there ok. These have been some of the roughest months of my life and i haven't even had the contact like you have to get my hopes up. This stuff is just plain heart wrenching. Edited January 16, 2013 by cavalier99
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Sorry man. I do hope it works out for you. It was more a general observation from my experiences and many threads I've read. i was just thinking about the thread bellow when posted what i said before. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366944-hurt-n-cert-n I hope you buck the trend. I can only imagine how hard this is for you right now. I didn't mean to sound indifferent to the pain and hope your feeling all mixed together. I feel for you man. This stuff is really rough. Hang in there ok. These have been some of the roughest months of my life and i haven't even had the contact like you have to get my hopes up. This stuff is just plain heart wrenching. It so is. And for me it's really ad because if she does bail it won't be the first time. My hope this time is we had an all out talk, discussed what caused our major break up 8 weeks ago. She was stunned when I explained what I was feeling. She was thinking I was feeling something else. She admitted that if she knew why she knew now she would have never left me. That being said my fear now is time. Time has changed us over these last 8 weeks. She is dating and so am I. But we both know her and I are better together. We just have a lot of other factors. Such as kids, where we live etc. ex's. it's a strain on trying to make this work. She says she does not love the guy she is seeing. But he doesn't have any baggage. Maybe that alone is a reason stay with him and not go back to me. If she is going to bail on this relationship it will be this week. Otherwise I think she will stick it out. But we need to have another major talk. I'll keep you guys posted. 1
TopCat22 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 If she had finished with the other guy after she admitted she still loved you then I think you would have some cause for optimism. What she is doing now is cruel. To both you and the new guy. You are being strung along, given hope that it might work again and he isn't being given a fighting chance. She probably is very confused and doesn't know what she wants but it seems like a very selfish attitude to me. I'd lay it on the line: it's you or him. Just be prepared for her to choose him. 1
crashvector Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 If she had finished with the other guy after she admitted she still loved you then I think you would have some cause for optimism. What she is doing now is cruel. To both you and the new guy. You are being strung along, given hope that it might work again and he isn't being given a fighting chance. She probably is very confused and doesn't know what she wants but it seems like a very selfish attitude to me. I'd lay it on the line: it's you or him. Just be prepared for her to choose him. This x 10,000
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 If she had finished with the other guy after she admitted she still loved you then I think you would have some cause for optimism. What she is doing now is cruel. To both you and the new guy. You are being strung along, given hope that it might work again and he isn't being given a fighting chance. She probably is very confused and doesn't know what she wants but it seems like a very selfish attitude to me. I'd lay it on the line: it's you or him. Just be prepared for her to choose him. She is just being cautious and I am too. It's only been 2 days we still need to work a lot out and feel our way. I'm not giving up the woman I'm seeing either. I think if we can get to the point where want to move forward with the next level and we trust each other that we are ready then we will end our current relationships. We are both wary. But trust me I will not tolerate this other guy for long. As I mentioned we need to have a post get back together talk. I need to make sure that getting back together is really really what she wants and it isn't just something she felt on that day. I know I want it to work.
crashvector Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 She is just being cautious and I am too. It's only been 2 days we still need to work a lot out and feel our way. I'm not giving up the woman I'm seeing either. I think if we can get to the point where want to move forward with the next level and we trust each other that we are ready then we will end our current relationships. We are both wary. But trust me I will not tolerate this other guy for long. As I mentioned we need to have a post get back together talk. I need to make sure that getting back together is really really what she wants and it isn't just something she felt on that day. I know I want it to work. Just my advice: If you are hoping things will work with your ex, then you need to let the girl you are seeing now go with grace and dignity. Don't string her along as some back-up plan, because then SHE will feel used and like you tricked her...and we'll be reading HER threads on these forums, too....only this time, it will be about how YOU were the one who broke someone's heart. 2
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I have been reading everyone's post and taking everything to heart. I have to say I think a lot of what everyone is saying is a dose of reality. It has caused me to feel depressed reading all of these cautions. I'm starting to feel now that maybe everyone on LS is right and this is doomed. Maybe it was just a one day reconciliation and won't last. I do feel a lot of uneasiness about the fact that I have not gotten any affectionate texts from her. Nothing like "I'm glad we are working this out" "i miss you" "love you". I have gotten none of that over the last day or so. She was out of town with her friends yesterday and I got a few sporadic generic texts "we went to see the aquarium" "we are going to dinner" etc. Nothing romantic at all. That is not how it was just 9 weeks ago. Definitely a weird zone. Maybe I'm over reacting and she is just taking it slow or she is trying to ease it back to friends zone. Maybe she changed her mind but doesn't want to lower the boom yet. My favorite saying for her has always been "water through my fingers". Maybe my mind is working over time but I am starting to feel like it is already over before it started. Maybe I'm wrong but I need to speak to her, I just might not like what I hear. I mean she should be ecstatic like she was the other day and I know I am. The fact that she has been aloof since is a bad sign. I guess just wanted to believe everything she said to me. If she has indeed pulled back than I will be hurt more than I was before. The heartache will start over. I do need to be prepared for that. Hopefully I can get her on the phone today.
crashvector Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 All I'm saying is DON'T play the poor girl you're seeing. Don't toy with her like this. If you are actively trying to get back with your ex, she deserves to be with someone who will devote himself 100% to HER and her ALONE....not someone only giving her 80% while he tries to reconcile with his ex. 2
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) All I'm saying is DON'T play the poor girl you're seeing. Don't toy with her like this. If you are actively trying to get back with your ex, she deserves to be with someone who will devote himself 100% to HER and her ALONE....not someone only giving her 80% while he tries to reconcile with his ex. I don't think he is in a new relationship just somebody he is casually seeing for a very short while. Maybe she is toying with him? Who knows lol Seems like this is all going to end very shortly anyway one way or another..day or so. Edited January 16, 2013 by cavalier99
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I don't think he is in a new relationship just somebody he is casually seeing for a very short while. Maybe she is toying with him? Who knows lol Seems like this is all going to end very shortly anyway one way or another..day or so. Yes the other girl is not serious at all. I love me ex and want to be with her in every way. It's only been a day or so for this reconciliation so neither of us was going to do anything drastic yet. I still need to make sure we even have a reconciliation at this point. I don't even have a day we are scheduled to talk or see each other. Between that and the cryptic texts its starting not to look good. I have not heard back form her this morning. she could still be sleeping form her long day yesterday......or maybe she is avoiding me. Just don't know yet. I guess things will get clearer later today. I'll keep you posted.
OJ loved Nicole Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 We left the restaurant, sat in my car and proceeded to talk, cry, hug, kiss and **** for 3 hours. She wanted us to get back together but slowly, and she would keep seeing him for now until we see where this goes. My 2 cents..... As Cav said, you are screwed, it is a train wreck! My ex came back to me, she called (over and over), she stopped by my house unannounced (I slammed the door in her face), she texted (repeatedly). She told me she wanted me back, loved/missed me blah blah. We talked a couple days later and I explained to her "you broke this, not me. You are responsible for fixing this, not me". I then told her my rules of the reconciliation (things she must do) and my personal boundaries. Only AFTER she agreed I ****ed her brains out, not before, never before! You're getting back with her on HER terms. You're allowing her to see the other guy while being with you.... are you mad!?!? You're telling her "I have no boundaries, you can do whatever you want (including the OM) and I'll still want to be with you". Think long and hard about what your rules are. Use the second date rule: if you met a girl who told you she was banging someone else would there be a second date? Go see her when you're done and lay down your rules/boundaries. Only if she accepts you have a possibility of building a strong relationship. Otherwise she'll always know she can do whatever she wants and still have you waiting for her. Good luck (I truly mean that) 1
cavalier99 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hey copin sorry this is rough. Your going to need to put on your alpha male suit and call her and get to the bottom of things. Tell her what you feel and need. You want to get together but she need to decide now. If this thing she has is not important she needs to drop him IMMEDIATELY so you 2 can start over. If she doesn't then you aren't a back up plan and cant do it. Tell her you are out FOREVER. And shame on her for f*cking with you and giving you false hope again.. and you are out for good. NO FRIENDSHIP NOTHING. Whatever you do don't be weak. It might be the last time you speak so you don't want to remember this as you begging and pleading. Self confidence and self esteem ar you motto. 1
TopCat22 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 Hope is the real killer. When you are left in limbo like this you always want to believe it's going to work out and it makes it twice as hard to bear if it doesn't. I really hope you can work it out, but from the little I know of the situation it doesn't sound like it's heading that way. I wanted to believe everything my ex said to me after we broke up and it's only further down the line that you learn the truth and feel like an idiot. The reason I suggested the ultimatum is so that you can then pursue things with this other girl. Who knows, she might end up being the one for you. She'll never get that chance if you continue to pursue a RS with a girl who clealry doesn't know what she wants.
crashvector Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 YEah, and rule #1 should be: You see NO ONE else besides me. the OM goes or I go. 1
Allumere Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I have been reading everyone's post and taking everything to heart. I have to say I think a lot of what everyone is saying is a dose of reality. It has caused me to feel depressed reading all of these cautions. I'm starting to feel now that maybe everyone on LS is right and this is doomed. Maybe it was just a one day reconciliation and won't last. I do feel a lot of uneasiness about the fact that I have not gotten any affectionate texts from her. Nothing like "I'm glad we are working this out" "i miss you" "love you". I have gotten none of that over the last day or so. She was out of town with her friends yesterday and I got a few sporadic generic texts "we went to see the aquarium" "we are going to dinner" etc. Nothing romantic at all. That is not how it was just 9 weeks ago. Definitely a weird zone. Maybe I'm over reacting and she is just taking it slow or she is trying to ease it back to friends zone. Maybe she changed her mind but doesn't want to lower the boom yet. My favorite saying for her has always been "water through my fingers". Maybe my mind is working over time but I am starting to feel like it is already over before it started. Maybe I'm wrong but I need to speak to her, I just might not like what I hear. I mean she should be ecstatic like she was the other day and I know I am. The fact that she has been aloof since is a bad sign. I guess just wanted to believe everything she said to me. If she has indeed pulled back than I will be hurt more than I was before. The heartache will start over. I do need to be prepared for that. Hopefully I can get her on the phone today. Just a couple of thoughts. You guys BU. That relationship is dead, gone, buried. If anything is to happen/work it needs to be treated as a new relationship....and in new relationships there typically isn't a bunch of ILYs or I miss yous off the bat unless you are 12. I know what you are saying, because of the intimacy shared in the past its natural to pick up where you left off to some degree. YOU CAN NOT. If she doesn't flip flop and this does progress it needs to be S_L_O_W with lots of communication. That doesnt mean known concerns or issues get swept under the rug, they do need to be discussed...but they can't be front and center all the time. People don't change in 8 weeks. They may acknowledge a mistake or feel the impact of an action but change, real change...no way. At that point I'd say at best they are is a work in progress.
KatZee Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 In my opinion and I'm going to be brutally honest here, you AND your ex need to cut these bulls.hit games you're playing. Both of you are screwing around with innocent people in your dysfunctional lives. It's really NOT cool at all. You want your ex back? You want to make it work? You don't want to give it up? FINE. That's your choice to make... but do NOT drag someone else into this mess. You're lying to her and what you're doing to her is equally as cruel as what your ex is doing to the guy SHE'S seeing. No one on this earth would be perfectly fine dating someone who was actively still involved with their ex and still in love with them and still trying to make it work. For the life of me I can't believe you've told her the truth about your feelings for your ex, or your now heavy communication with her. You're being equally as selfish. Let her go. Focus on yourself. Be single. Work through your issues, and work through the relationship with your ex. I agree with whoever said that we're going to be reading the posts from the girl you're currently with. Feelings, emotions, and what one feels in their heart aren't games to play. If you want YOUR ex to end it with her guy, then you end it with your girl. There is no double standard here. Plus, if you want to work it out you both need to be single. Make a move.
puzzled1 Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 (edited) I am very interested on whats going to happen here... Same thing happened to me last week. I told her it was either me or the other guy. She said sorry for giving me the wrong impression. I was back to where I started, devastated and neglected .... Last night she texted me saying that she is breaking up with the other guy and now I am back to being confused but I am not gonna try to get with her. I am leaving her to do all the dirty work or its just not gonna work out. I gave more into the relationship, she emotionally cheated on me, I forgive her, she then dumps me, I forgive her, then she wants to work on getting back together, I try also, she tells me sorry, its not going to work, I get mad but try to move on, now she wants me back.... Complete train wreck... Edited January 16, 2013 by puzzled1
crashvector Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 In my opinion and I'm going to be brutally honest here, you AND your ex need to cut these bulls.hit games you're playing. Both of you are screwing around with innocent people in your dysfunctional lives. It's really NOT cool at all. You want your ex back? You want to make it work? You don't want to give it up? FINE. That's your choice to make... but do NOT drag someone else into this mess. You're lying to her and what you're doing to her is equally as cruel as what your ex is doing to the guy SHE'S seeing. No one on this earth would be perfectly fine dating someone who was actively still involved with their ex and still in love with them and still trying to make it work. For the life of me I can't believe you've told her the truth about your feelings for your ex, or your now heavy communication with her. You're being equally as selfish. Let her go. Focus on yourself. Be single. Work through your issues, and work through the relationship with your ex. I agree with whoever said that we're going to be reading the posts from the girl you're currently with. Feelings, emotions, and what one feels in their heart aren't games to play. If you want YOUR ex to end it with her guy, then you end it with your girl. There is no double standard here. Plus, if you want to work it out you both need to be single. Make a move. Basically ALL of this is what i was saying earlier. You two are playing games with each other, but BOTH of you have other people involved in your drama now. I'm pretty sure the girl you are "casually seeing" would BOLT if you told her you are actively trying to get back with your ex...and I'm sure your ex's new guy would, too. Stop lying to the other people here...casually seeing her or not...YOU ARE GOING TO HURT THIS OTHER WOMAN. It's not okay.
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 Basically ALL of this is what i was saying earlier. You two are playing games with each other, but BOTH of you have other people involved in your drama now. I'm pretty sure the girl you are "casually seeing" would BOLT if you told her you are actively trying to get back with your ex...and I'm sure your ex's new guy would, too. Stop lying to the other people here...casually seeing her or not...YOU ARE GOING TO HURT THIS OTHER WOMAN. It's not okay. Neither of the other relationships are serious. In fact in my ex's case she never told her guy she loved him. She is keeping it FWB for now.
Author Coping Vortex Posted January 16, 2013 Author Posted January 16, 2013 I am very interested on whats going to happen here... Same thing happened to me last week. I told her it was either me or the other guy. She said sorry for giving me the wrong impression. I was back to where I started, devastated and neglected .... Last night she texted me saying that she is breaking up with the other guy and now I am back to being confused but I am not gonna try to get with her. I am leaving her to do all the dirty work or its just not gonna work out. I gave more into the relationship, she emotionally cheated on me, I forgive her, she then dumps me, I forgive her, then she wants to work on getting back together, I try also, she tells me sorry, its not going to work, I get mad but try to move on, now she wants me back.... Complete train wreck... I think given enough time all relationships start to get messy. Our BU was due to miscommunication. If I could go back in time 9 weeks ago, mine wouldn't be as messy. For me it comes down to love. Plain in simple. Can you love the person even when it gets messy. Love will make you put up with a lot. I have been in easy relationships that I wasn't insane in love and I have been really messy relationships that were very intense with passion and love. I'll take messy, loving and passionate any day of the week. Just me. I love my ex like crazy. I have never known a woman I wanted more. I hope we can make it there after 8 weeks apart and us dating new people.
crashvector Posted January 16, 2013 Posted January 16, 2013 I have been in easy relationships that I wasn't insane in love and I have been really messy relationships that were very intense with passion and love. I'll take messy, loving and passionate any day of the week. Now THIS, I will agree with you on. I'd take the bumps as long is the road is a long one as opposed to a smooth road that's short.
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