Intolerable Cruelty

[brave4me]

Dear loveshackers,

 

It's been a while since I was here, and have only posted one message. I am separated from my husband, going on 6 months. To make a long story short, (while proofing, it's not that short, sorry) I think my husband set me up, by getting me to ask him to leave for a while etc. Little did I know, it wasn't temporary, as a means of separation for restoration, but an end to this marriage. (although as a christian, I still believe in miracles). He has avoided me, shunned me, turned his friends and family against me, and has become very odd, and someone that has perplexed me far beyond words. Since he left, I lost him, and his entire family, his friends, etc. They have not contacted me, will not look at me, or have become so cold. My husbands explanation for being shut out from them is this:............. "they don't want to get involved!!!" ........... I'M PRETTY SURE BY THEIR ACTIONS THEY ARE INVOLVED, WOLDN'T YOU SAY?????????????? Otherwise, I think they would be neutral, as my family, friends, and church has been, not to mention, caring, loving, and supportive.

 

He started a friendship/relationship with someone he works with, which is more than likely what caused us to separate, or why I believe he set me up. I was two weeks into recovering from neck surgery, cervical fusion, so I really did not think he would leave me, while I was in a very painful recovery. He has been so different, so secretive since he left, so isolated, and as usual, dishonest and so cold. When I have been around him, (4 x's in 6 mo's) he looks at me in a way that is cruel. By looking at his facial expressions, body language, etc., I feel like he's laughing at me, with that "I have someone and this game is fun and cruel and I'm enjoying myself as I watch you suffer," plus, it's as though he hates me, although I have been aware that he hates himself. I am a very genuine, sincere, caring and loving person, and my friends would tell you that I am one of the nicest people they have ever met. I get hurt often, because people take advantage of my vulnerable spirit. I'm not being arrogant, but trying to describe myself. Since he joined the military two years ago (reservist), he changed, and is using it as an ego trip. He used to suffer from depression, now it's anger, verbal abuse, and a viscious tongue. I know I'm a good person, and that God is my all and all and loves, me, but he makes me feel like dirt. I still love him, miss him, and can't understand why he is so cruel, and why I can't move on, especially as a christian, who relies on and loves the lord, and I pray about this obsessively, to cope.

 

What goes on in a man's head, and what can I do, (I know this sounds terrible) to turn the tables around, and make him accountable for his actions, his affair and girlfriend, and his games, to make him stumble, wake up and come to his senses.

I really want to rock the world around him, and stop being victim to his intollerable cruelty (didn't they make a movie with the same title????)

 

 

I'm so tired of being the nice guy, trying to make it work, being the example, as well as doing the right thing as a christian. I do everything imagineable to resolve us, make mymarriage work with hopes of reconciliation, while he continues to play this game, avoid me, and tell everyone what a terrible person I am. When I bring up his girlfriend during conversations (phone), and point out that it's painful for me, and that he's been dishonest about her and how long he's been involved with her. He admitted a while ago, that he was talking to her while we were still married, and that it was wrong to develop a friendship with someone of the opposite sex while still married. Friends tell me she has been at his b-bal games often, and I saw them walk into his new place together late one night (he was living with a friend of his and his wife as and got his own place as of Aug 1st) while getting medicine from the 24 hr phar. He gets absolutely irrate during conversations regarding his girlfriend, and lying about being with her what have you. It's not like it is a big secret anymore, and he has had her out in public, at the bar with his baseball team, and her place which is 45 min. away from here. In his defense he always blasts me with EVERONE CAN'T BELIEVE THAT I WAS WITH YOU OR PUT UP WITH YOU AS LONG AS I DID! Of course, that hits me so hard, and I up in tears, and my friends get so upset and say, what is wrong with him, and you know he does that to hurt you. They tell me that I have to stop believing him, and that I am a good person, and it's him that has an issue. SO...........GUYS............. what advice could you give me? What goes through a mans mind.....how do you just break it off after 8 years..............why is he so cold, distant, and avoiding our christian friends, church, and turning his back on them and God as well. It's as if when the right girl came along, he found a way to justify it, which I believe we call probably justify ending our marriages, if we want to, but that's not the right thing to do.

 

He did serve me with papers for our divorce, which he is doing pro se. His girlfriend just divorced in July, has a 2 yr. old daughter, and like I said, works at the same company, different location. We have 3 boys, him 2 from first marriage, and me, 1 from 1st marriage. I know I'm nuts, but as a christian, I want this to work because I do still love him, and I believe inmarriage and our vows meant forever.

 

Our 1st spouses were very unfaithful, which is why we both divorced the 1st time, It was something we both could relate to as far as the pain and sufferring, plus brought us together when me met at church!!!! What can I do, not do, say or not say, to get his attention, make him be the one worrying, and get him to realize what an idiot he is making of himself. I don't mean to bad mouth him, but I just want to know how men think, and what advice you guys could give me, that would releive the pressure and the burden I carry. Also, since our separation, I went back to work (I'm in medical field) my patient who had cancer passed away, and a week later I cut off two of my toes, half to be exact, spent 4 days in hospital, and also fell of chair bruising my tailbone two weeks after that. Talk about having a very bad couple of months, or perhaps a few flaky stress related, blond episodes. Fortunately, I have a great sense of humor to get me through just about anything.

 

However, at 40, I'm in great shape, have always been thin, which my husband is obsessed with, and am proud of myself and my physical condition, and recovering well. His new girl is heavy, and I know that is a big turn off for him, which confuses me, if this is about a midlife crisis or the SEVEN YEAR ITCH." Per articles, he has all the symptoms of the mid life crisis dilema.

 

HELP, NEED YOUR ADVICE, YOUR THOUGHTS, and your input. Thank you so much for reading this .......short novel??????? NOT...... which I really did try to make as short as possible. Love and hugs to you all, with peace, happiness, and encouragement, to get us through this cruel world we live in.

 

As Kermit would say (the frog), it's not easy being green, so remember that the next time your feeling blue!?!?!?!?!

 

Blessings all

[uriel]

There's not one thing you can do to rock his world except move on with your life and make a success of it as if his hurting you, leaving you, and entering into another relationship had not brought you down so low you couldn't get back up.

 

You're experiencing understandably conflicting fantasies right now, flipping back and forth between the desire for revenge and reunion. Perfectly normal. You're experiencing this shocking view of someone you loved and experienced many tender moments with now seeming like a completely different person, one who hates you even if you can't yet bring yourself to hate him. That's normal too. It's disorienting, confusing, but we all go through it during and after a nasty break-up.

 

He's behaving this way in order to make a clean break with you. He doesn't want to be with you any longer, and he's handling it in a very unpleasant, immature way. Men especially often do this in order to avoid feeling guilt or having to deal with any discussion of the break. They hope the woman will just go away and leave them alone so they can put all of their attention onto something -- and someone new. It's a form of running away from the mess they've made (avoiding responsibility), because they always want to be the good guy.

 

His family and friends feel that by maintaining a relationship with you, they'll be going against his wish for a clean break with you. They'll be preserving a tie to you that he no longer wants. So, they are implicitly honoring his desire by avoiding you / cutting you out of their lives. This too is unfortunately common in separations / divorces. It's often how many individuals of a former couple come to realize who was a mutual friend, who was their own friend, and who was their spouse's. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't like you or care about you (although it can); it means they value their relationship with him more than you. They felt they had to choose (because of how he is being) and did.

 

Keep using your faith as a way of staying grounded during this painful time. Help it to remind you that you deserve to be a whole, positive, happy person -- and, in this case, that means letting go of this man and building a new life without him. Sorry, but I think your miracle will come in another form, one you don't yet expect and can't recognize. Don't allow yourself to engage in delusional or wish-fulfillment thinking. That will only keep you in this bad emotional place longer than you need to be.

 

-- uriel

[brave4me]

Uriel,

 

Thank you so much for your feedback. A while ago, I had posted a brief synopsis of my situation, and the person who replied pretty much said the same thing. The common thread you both replied with pretty much states that there is nothing I can do, no matter how painful that is.

 

You are very knowledgeable, and your response was very well written. It's hard to ask for opinions, advice, etc., because I pretty much had the answers to my questions already, but I always think I can take a short cut, get answers, solutions and remedies that really are not there, not to mention DENIAL.

 

In my case, I know that the best thing to do is to move on, and not let this man bog me down anymore. However, were human, and grieving has to take it's course. The thing that really amazed me in your response was the fact that he is running from all of this, and not wanting to face it. That is pretty much my husband wrapped up in a nutshell. He was raised that way, and he has a lot of childhood issues, abuse, and underlying scars that he has never faced, or dealt with. He grew up with a father who had to look good for the neighbors, the community, etc. As far as talking about your feelings, problems, or concerns, that was never an option. Don't deal with it, just ignore them, move on, bury it, and let it surface down the road. That is another novel/story, so I won't get too involved in this right now, but it explains why he is a coward, immature, and certainly not handling this like a man.

 

ONE MORE QUESTION: He met this girl at work, and he was still with me when they hooked up, plus she was in the process of splitting with her husband. My husband, has two kids from his first marriage, which ended up in divorce, and now another marriage failed, ending up in divorce. She must be pretty naive to want to get involved with someone who carries the baggage he does. I wonder if my husband is the reason for her failed marriage, but the bottom line is....where is the trust? What are these woman thinking? How do people just jump into another relationship overnight? Is that not called rebound? Or, like the old proverb describes, "a man who falls into temptation, has probably been dreaming about it for a while".

 

How long do these relationships last? I have read so much information, and it says that 75-80% of men never actually go through with the divorce, and end up wanting to reconcile. When surveyed, 80% said they would remarry their wives again. It said that if your hoping to reconcile with your spouse, the odds are on your side. Any thought to this? Do you think one day he will wake up and smell the roses? Do you think he will keep running, rather than face his mistakes, which he has never been able to do? Too many questions huh?

 

THanks again for reading, and if you have any more insight on my feedback, to your response, I would love to hear from you.

 

Tomorrow is another day, and I know that heaven awaits me, and that God will never leave me, or disappoint me, and my burdens are with HIM. In time, I will get through this, and I know that the pain I suffered, will be well worth it, and I know that God has a bigger plan for my life. If it is not reconciliation, than another relationship or another marriage is most definately out of the question????????????????? NO MORE

[uriel]

People get involved with others when their own marriages aren't meeting their emotional and physical needs (or at least when they think that's the case -- see below). Women especially use affairs as an excuse for getting out of a dissatisfying marriage. Men often use the affair as a release valve while staying in the marriage. That your husband also used an affair as an excuse for leaving the marriage suggests to me he won't be coming back. Sorry -- but I've got to tell you what I'm seeing here for your sake.

 

I doubt, given your husband's track record, that this new relationship will last. He's not investing enough of himself, not yet emotionally evolved or healed enough, to sustain a really committed, lifelong relationship. My guess is that he'll keep bouncing every few years until he gets too tired to bounce. Then, he may end up with someone, but I doubt he'll be deeply happy. He'll always find fault. He's projecting his own internal dissatisfactions onto another.

 

Your description of the unresolved childhood issues your husband carries comes as no surprise. He's not going to heal them in this new relationship automatically -- any more than he did with you. He's avoiding them, and he'll keep acting out on them.

 

I do understand about your need to grieve in your own way, in your own time. This is a long process. Just keep working through it as best you can, while taking good care of yourself.

 

One piece of advice: Focus especially on thinking more about YOUR feelings than his. You are still seeking understanding, but it's possible to get stuck in a loop where it's all about him -- especially by indulging in a fantasy of his return. Make this about you.

 

-- uriel

[brave4me]

Uriel,

 

You must be either a therapist/counselor, or have a very knowledgable history on relationships. Since I'm new to the Loveshack, I don't know a lot about how it is run, or maintained. My guess is that there are moderators or just some pretty awsome individuals at this web site, to read posts and reply in an extremely timely manner. Whatever the case may be, I thank you for all your time and energy put into reading the information I provided. You know what is so amazing about my situation, is that I have had a lifetime experience of trials and tribulations, worked with and encountered several personality types, situations, etc. I'm also in the medical field with a background in crisis, trauma, hospice, and caregiving. If anyone comes to me with a problem, I can offer advice, coping skills, information, spiritual guidance, and just a listening ear or shoulder to cry on. However, when it comes to my own issues, I can't seem to accept the advice I would give to anyone in my position, or get a grip on this. As a christian, I rely on God, and know he will care for me. BUT, the one thing that I can't seem to conquer is the pain. It's also evident that I'm looking for answers, or trying to resolve this on my time, and not Gods. So many times I think I'm moving on, and healing, (perhaps 2-4 days) and the next thing you know, I'm sitting in a fog, in tears, devistated, scared, and lost. What it really comes down to is that my pain and grief still hangs on, and every day feels like we broke up yesterday. I just can't seem to pull myself out of this "place." Our marriage was not that great, and I feared my husband often because he was verbally abusive, had a very bad temper and quick to stab you with his tongue. My mother is actually relieved in her own way, knowing that I wasn't that happy, and to be away from the relationship, even though as a christians, it's not right. While married, I often thought I may not be able to live in the relationship forever, and sometimes thought it may not work, but never ever did much about it. I would have never guessed in a million years, that if we broke up, that I would be in the pain I'm in, or thriving on our marriage, even though I've observed abnormal/mentally ill behaviors. Passive/aggressive is one, depression, multi-personality, and so forth.

 

It would have been so much easier dealing with our separation, if he were not with someone. I wonder if the healing would have been different, the outcome, or the future, would have had a different scenario, had he been alone like myself. The fact that he started a friendship while we were married, and stuck with her, makes me think that I'm struggling with being replaced, and everything that goes with it. I hoped he would have taken time for separation and restoration, like myself, rather than, evaporation and un-cooperation. I will focus on me, my son, which I really do work on, and have, but I find myself continually in that "place" that I can't seem to escape from. The remedy, solutions, or answers, I know, will never come, and that I will have to face this until it subsides, but will I be ok by then, or am I facing a psychological issue that needs intervention or cause for concern?

 

Any thoughts???? I can't thank you enough for your time and your understanding, and just for allowing me to vent with fingers that can type almost a 100 wpm. God Bless and look forward to any feed back. God Bless

[uriel]

Thank you, brave4me. I'm well educated and have a degree in psych -- but, most importantly, I've done a great deal of healing work for childhood abuse and later betrayals (bad friend and partner choices that retaught those early lessons). I'm glad I can help.

 

You're right that your husband's having left for another woman -- seeming to "replace you" -- as well as his earlier emotionally abusive behaviors have worsened the pain you are going through. The most damage here is done not by losing him (you may see some improvement from that over time, actually), but from the loss of self-respect and esteem that your relationship with him has caused.

 

Often, we want someone who is cold or harsh to love us because we've experienced that emotional climate at some early stage and feel that we will be healed and redeemed if someone who reproduces that climate will warm it up. Of course, the partial reinforcement we get during courtship and even during parts of the relationship keep tantilizing us that we might achieve this with that partner. However, we've actually only chosen someone who will reproduce the loss while they keep false hope alive.

 

To heal from this, we must realize the cycle in which we're participating and learn to turn to ourselves and to other, healthier people for restoration and support. This damaged partner is another manifestation of the problem, not the solution. However, our hope that he is -- and will finally give us what we need and always have been missing -- is what keeps us hoping for a miracle. When, all along, the miracle is inside of ourselves -- not him. This takes time -- the heart must learn what the mind knows.

 

Your feelings about the other woman are an extension of this. You imagine that she has gotten from him what you have always longed for. She must be the one who is good enough to get the love you feel you have always deserved and never achieved. Not so. He will torture her just as he has you. They will have their honeymoon period, as you did, but it won't last. He is still the same man he was when he was with you. Pity her. She imagines she's special and he'll treat her differently than you. She believes him when he tells her your relationship problems were your fault. Unfortunately, love makes fools of us this way. Him as well. He doesn't know how much of these problems are his, either.

 

You can see this, and choose to walk away. Choose a better life -- one that is centered around and attracts the light.

 

Take care --

 

uriel

[brave4me]

Uriel,

 

Wow, I was right, you are educated in this field and your very good at it. I hope I'm not over doing it here, or taking advantage of this web site. If I am, forgive me, but also thank you so much for sharing your knowledge, and taking time to help me understand and sort through some of the confusion.

 

Your last reply was very interesting, deep, somewhat confusing, but I think I understand what you are trying to say. I know I have to move on, and I know that this marriage was strained, extremely painful, stressful, and caused much damage to my self worth. So often I try to keep an open mind, and not allow myself to get caught up his adequacies, and finger pointing. While reading many books etc., on this topic, one of them (Hope for the Separated - excellent book) said to write down a list of reasons why you think your spouse left. I did, and it was rather lengthy, but I want to be completely honest with myself, and not overlook or deny my inadequacies and so on. On the other hand, I can't help but wonder if some of the issues I struggled with, were a result of his behavior, his temper and verbal insults. My friends so often tell me how much of my self esteem has been robbed, and to quit feeling so lousy about me, because they feel that I'm a very good person, and it's my husband that has the problems. Which brings me to the point, I'm sure, as you have stated before, that he's probably being told the exact same thing from his friends, family, etc. So often while we were married, I would tell myself, during arguments, that something was very wrong with this picture, and I was convinced he was way off the wall, defensive, and just plain cruel. However, he would convince me, that I was the problem, everything was my fault. I NEED YOUR INPUT on something that he would often do or say. For instance, I know myself well enough, and know I am very outgoing, hyper, energetic, bubbly, and just plain happy go lucky for the most part. I'm also not a moody person, and have been told that by many others, especially when I worked in a service dept. as a Warr. Coord., with all men. My husband, especially, would tell me that of all the girls he knows, or the typical girl, that I do not fit in the category of "MOODY" and it was not only a characteristic he liked, but make me proud of it. So, when we would get into an argument, he would tell me that I have multiple personalities, and that he never knows which one he is going to come home to. After we separated, he told me that he had talked to people I was friends with, and that I had been planning this for a long time, as in planning to leave him. I told him that was crazy, especially since I knew I was going to have surgery, and be out of work for a while. I told him that was untrue, and said to him, "just exactly where was I going to go, or survive with no income? As I start looking back, and finding out more info., as things start to surface, the one who has been doing the planning for some time, I believe is HIM. He always had a way of putting me in a NO-WIN SITUATION, every time, we argued, or disagreed, and even to this day. Is this just a cruel, defensive man, or is there more to his mental health? Do you think to this day, that he really believes it is all me, or does he know he is wrong, but like you said, running so he does not have to face it? What really bothers me more than you can imagine, is what he tells people about me, and if he is airing my dirty laundry, or lying about us, or making himself look like an idiot? I guess I fear the damage he is capable of with his tongue, and therefore feel paranoid when I do run into someone that used to be our friend, especially since they barely say hi, and are cold. My friends tell me that anyone with half a brain knows he's just full of it, because they know what kind of a person I am, and nobody could possibly believe what he tells them. Well, I'm not too sure of that.

 

Can you give me any input on what I've described about him, and your opinions. Also, do you think he has any guilt, feels any remorse, or sadness for me, after all I have been through? After I cut off my toes with mower a month ago, my pastor called my husband, and he showed up at the hospital. It was obvious to all my friends there to greet me that eve after surgery, that he was cold, in the background, and edgy. I was hospital for 4 days, and two days after I got home, he was uptight because I had not responded to his email regarding hiring a pro se attorney for our divorce. I told him that I barely read his mail, and that now was not the time I wanted to discuss the issue (I was hoping for a couple more days to deal with my accident, find people to help me out, etc). He said, well you have had two days to think about it. I'll end right there, since I'm sure you get the picture. It's so cruel. As a christian, the right thing to do is to pray for him, and allow him to come back if he should want to, but not until he gets right with God first. Our church has put this in writing, and through a verbal discipline meeting with him. I guess it explains why it is so hard to be the good guy, when he is always mean. He tells me that all his friends can't understand how he could have stayed with me as long as he did, and if I hear that one more time, I think I'll turn into a mental vegetable.

 

I'm done, so there..............AMEN hey?????????????? What are your thoughts, and after this, I will try not to bog you down with this much longer, as it needs to be put to rest. BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH and you have been more than helpful.

 

God Bless you..........

[uriel]

I doubt he feels much remorse or guilt. The reason men like him run is so that they don't have to face these feelings. They exist in a real state of denial -- one that includes heavy rationalization and / or delusion. To his way of thinking, it's your fault and his well quit of you.

 

He may have moments of drunken remorse (or the equivalent) -- he may even have a tender thought or two of your relationship over time. But he's got a lot at stake in not thinking he's the bad guy here.

 

As for his talking trash about town, what can you do about it? Nothing. Yes, it would bother anyone to know that was going on. But, those who already know you personally have judged you as they've found you. They'll compare what he says with what they already believe from their experience. Those who don't know you will either never meet you or have the opportunity to re-evaluate you when they do.

 

If your ex is as messed up as you say, they likely have some sense of that, too. If they don't, it's because they are of a kind. He certainly shows a great deal of insecurity in his fears that you would leave, his pre-emptive strike, his emotional abuse (which insecure men use to keep the women with whom they are involved cut down to size: controllable, dependent).

 

I've no doubt this emotionally abusive relationship hurt your self-esteem. With time and effort, it will come back. You'll feel yourself again. You won't begin to really heal in earnest until you let go of the hope of getting ANY emotional satisfaction from him: no remorse, no pity, no pleading for you to take him back. Your healing work must be about filling up the void he's left inside -- and doing that without any self-damaging or addictive behaviors. One of those addictions is to him, even in thought. Go cold turkey.

 

-- uriel

[pixie2004]

Originally posted by uriel

Go cold turkey.

 

-- uriel

 

Well said uriel!