NC Day 1 - She just texted me! :(

[LduKaZ]

I hate to say this - but she's not doing anything.

You''re doing this to yourself.

God, honestly - I bang on about the wonderful 'rules' of NC - and people tell me how brilliant it is, what a lifesaver it is , what good advice it is, and yup, that's it from now on - NC it is, and no more messin'.... except just this one last time, just to see if..... AAAARGH!!!

 

Whatever the hell it is you're trying to achieve - you're phukking up big time!!

And it's all you - you're doing this!!

 

She doesn't see 'awesome' or 'good' or 'trusting' - she sees clingy, desperate and doormat.

 

Quit, fer chrissake, please, for your own sake, QUIT!!

 

lol are you joking??? Did you even read the story before you posted this!? Please refrain from giving dumb advise if you are not even going to at least read the case.

 

After the BU, I didn't talk to her once. Zero, nada. It sure hurt as hell, but I was moving on fine.

 

I got breadcrumbs from her, still, no answer. Finally I got tired of her texting saying she misses me. I told her, unless you are willing to be with me and figure out your ****, do not EVER text me again, because I wont answer. She texted me immediately, she said she needed me and made a mistake. She came over to my house, said she couldn't be without me, and that she wants to try. She said she knows shes messed up in her life but the one thing she is sure about is me, and that if I tell her that I needed her when I was sober she would never give up on us. She left my house saying she'd come over today, and saying shes so happy she didn't screw it up. I told her if she ever let me go again, that would be it!

 

Now two days after, and I haven't heard anything from her except for a text saying "I made it to work but it was absolute hell, I can't wait to get some sleep". And that's all. I let her rest, and I called her this morning to no avail.

 

Tell me how on earth is this me being clingy, or me being the problem!!!!????

[LduKaZ]

Don't go ape****. Step back. When she contacts you again, listen. Understand. Then peacefully say what you expect in terms of communication and visits if she wants to try.

 

You think I should?

 

I'm honestly on the edge of texting her and saying thanks for all your effing BS! I mean, I've been nothing but understanding. But what she did is absolutely cruel. It's not even leading me on, it's lying to my face and then disappearing again. Its like she wanted to see me hurt, and that I cannot allow.

 

Sure I want to be patient with her, and give her all the space she needs. But at least stick to your word and confirm what she said on Sunday morning. Or say sorry, I made a mistake coming to your house. But not this crap again, I'm not one to play games with, no matter how understanding I want to be with her.

 

Do you think I'm overeacting?

Edited January 29, 2013 by LduKaZ

[TaraMaiden]

Your mistake was to respond.

Never, ever respond to anyone who throws you breadcrumbs.

That was your mistake.

You were advised, right at the beginning of this thread to not respond, and to delete.

 

The fact that you are now in this hell-hole, is your responsibility.

You went against all advice, and finally responded - and that way lies perdition.

So in spite of people telling you to delete, ignore and stay NC - you decided to 'Finally tell her to put up or shut up. Then you chased, you rang and left a message.

 

Yoy're desperately holding on to the hope that she will completely do the 180, change, and be your gurl again.

 

SHE has to go a long way to prove she's worthy, but it definitely seems that you're expecting her to dramatically come up with the goods and reform overnight.

 

let her do all the running.

Let her prove herself.

If she really really wants you, she will move heaven and earth to prove to you she's intent on giving it a second go.

Until you get firm evidence of a complete, continuous and permanent change, quit engaging with her - it's BREADCRUMBS!!

 

And you keep lapping them up!!

 

Can't you see that - ?!

 

Honestly??!!??

[LduKaZ]

Your mistake was to respond.

Never, ever respond to anyone who throws you breadcrumbs.

That was your mistake.

You were advised, right at the beginning of this thread to not respond, and to delete.

 

The fact that you are now in this hell-hole, is your responsibility.

You went against all advice, and finally responded - and that way lies perdition.

So in spite of people telling you to delete, ignore and stay NC - you decided to 'Finally tell her to put up or shut up. Then you chased, you rang and left a message.

 

Yoy're desperately holding on to the hope that she will completely do the 180, change, and be your gurl again.

 

SHE has to go a long way to prove she's worthy, but it definitely seems that you're expecting her to dramatically come up with the goods and reform overnight.

 

let her do all the running.

Let her prove herself.

If she really really wants you, she will move heaven and earth to prove to you she's intent on giving it a second go.

Until you get firm evidence of a complete, continuous and permanent change, quit engaging with her - it's BREADCRUMBS!!

 

And you keep lapping them up!!

 

Can't you see that - ?!

 

Honestly??!!??

 

Well, I did. She literally ran 7 blocks to my house that night, in Canada (yeah, the temperature is nice this time of the year for a jug).

 

I was at a bar, actually dancing with some pretty ladies. But I do love her, so when she said she made a mistake and wanted me back, how is that me being clingy!? As if anyone on this freakin forum wouldn't answer if their ex told them shes running down the streets because she made a mistake! You even!

 

I don't hope she makes a 180 degree turn. I just cling on to the hope her words weren't complete lies. Is that bad?

 

Now I am asking the people here if I should text her and end this, or if I should just wait for her next move.

 

Instead, you come here to tell me I'm a clinger, that is all my fault, and nothing but judging. Go take out your rage on someone else please.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't text her at all.

End it, delete her phone number and all and every which possible way you could either contact her, or hear from her.

Do not give her any opportunity to contact you in any way shape or form, other than Face to face.

 

Drop off her radar, and make with the Mr Invisible.

 

If and when she comes running again, and lands on your doorstep, and makes overtures, then - THEN - you give her the ultimatum: Put up, try, make efforts, really work on it, together - or leave.

 

no half-measures.

 

But right now, you're tense, angry, stressed and highly strung - and you need to calm down, come down and relax.

 

This isn't doing your nerves any good, and you're letting yourself get all worked up over a gal who has already proven she's unremittingly fickle and unreliable.

 

You can accuse me of anything you like, and call me whatever you want - but after 4 years and nearly 15k posts, I've seen it all and heard it all before.

I'm inured to it.

I have developed a very thick skin - and what's more - very often much to my annoyance - I turn out to be spot on, bang-on-the-money, right.

 

This is why I have had the same link, in my signature, for nearly 4 years.

 

because it works.

 

I wish sometimes, dammit, I could be proved wrong, but sadly, it's rare.

 

Really, sadly.

[LduKaZ]

Don't text her at all.

End it, delete her phone number and all and every which possible way you could either contact her, or hear from her.

Do not give her any opportunity to contact you in any way shape or form, other than Face to face.

 

Drop off her radar, and make with the Mr Invisible.

 

If and when she comes running again, and lands on your doorstep, and makes overtures, then - THEN - you give her the ultimatum: Put up, try, make efforts, really work on it, together - or leave.

 

no half-measures.

 

But right now, you're tense, angry, stressed and highly strung - and you need to calm down, come down and relax.

 

This isn't doing your nerves any good, and you're letting yourself get all worked up over a gal who has already proven she's unremittingly fickle and unreliable.

 

You can accuse me of anything you like, and call me whatever you want - but after 4 years and nearly 15k posts, I've seen it all and heard it all before.

I'm inured to it.

I have developed a very thick skin - and what's more - very often much to my annoyance - I turn out to be spot on, bang-on-the-money, right.

 

This is why I have had the same link, in my signature, for nearly 4 years.

 

because it works.

 

I wish sometimes, dammit, I could be proved wrong, but sadly, it's rare.

 

Really, sadly.

 

Thanks for your notes, but sadly I do not want to become thick skinned like you. That is the last thing I would ever want to do, because I thrive and find joy on my strength to forgive.

 

I don't think I'm clinging on, but I'm not ready to start moving on without closure. If you've seen it all, then you must understand how this feels?

 

I was ready, and I was moving on. But after hearing someone say that they made a mistake and want you back, you can't just wake up the next day and be like oh ok, back to ignoring you forever. Not without one last talk at least to clear the air up. Im not a ****iing robot.

[TaraMaiden]

May I ask - have you actually READ the Guide?

 

The link to the thread is in my signature - and it's a long thread...The first post is the updated guide itself - a Joint effort between me and the original author, a guy called 'Caliguy' who had the unfortunate luck to actually work in the same building, for the same company as his ex. Some material has been added by me over time, and the Guide is now the Must-read of the forum!

 

The posts that follow are from members who have broken the Guide NC rule - and lived to tell the tale of failure. They have rued the day they ever gave in to temptation.

 

You need to read it because it discusses 'Closure' - and how only you, can give it and make it for yourself. Closure never comes from the dumper.

 

Being Thick-skinned doesn't mean you have to sacrifice part of yourself, or give something up.

It means that you prevent yourself from hurting, and protect yourself from the barbs of people who abuse your good nature.

Mother Teresa has to be one of the most giving, charitable, generous and compassionate people to have ever walked the planet - but she was thick-skinned. With everything life bureaucracy and officialdom threw at her, she had to develop a hide like a rhino - yet it never stopped people from beating a path to her door - which she would always open.

 

 

My door is always open. I may grab you by the scruff of the neck and give you a good shake - but it's never with malice.

 

I care about the people I engage with.

Do you think I'd still be here, if I didn't.....?

[Stoic44]

Dude,

 

I went through a similar situation yet I was the one tentative about the relationship. It took me a day or two to meetup with her. Let go of the anger. Do not text her; let her come to you.

 

If you don't hear from her in a few days, send her a text: Um, thought you wanted to work on this? That's all. If you don't hear back, you have your answer.

 

Good luck, and let go of the agitation. She came to you to tip her toes in. Nobody knows what she's thinking now.

[LduKaZ]

Dude,

 

I went through a similar situation yet I was the one tentative about the relationship. It took me a day or two to meetup with her. Let go of the anger. Do not text her; let her come to you.

 

If you don't hear from her in a few days, send her a text: Um, thought you wanted to work on this? That's all. If you don't hear back, you have your answer.

 

Good luck, and let go of the agitation. She came to you to tip her toes in. Nobody knows what she's thinking now.

 

Thanks Chris. Yeah, I'm trying to calm down. I'll try my best to follow this advice.

 

I did tell her I want to make this work, even if it requieres me to be patient. I know she wasn't that drunk, I know she remembers everything we said and is probably processing it.

 

I know she will text me again, even if it is to say goodbye, shes not a monster. I just wish I could speed up this process, or know when it is going to come.

[TaraMaiden]

Don't put your life on hold, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Get on and live, go out, date, meet other ladies, even if you just chat. Get yourself out there, and care more about yourself, and being happy as you are, whatever you are, with who you are.

 

Don't hang on for her contact - get out and about and don't suspend your existence for something that eventually will in all likelihood simply spell 'disappointment.'

 

I repeat my question:

Have you actually READ the guide?

[Stoic44]

Tara,

 

That guide isn't a Bible, nor is it scientific. She came back to him and wanted to try toake it work. All he has to do now is take a step back and, if she does contact, he needs to lsy out what his needs are in terms of communication and visits. That's all.

[Stoic44]

Excuse the typos btw. Phone.

[LduKaZ]

Yes Tara, I have read the guide. It was very helpful, thank you.

 

But I don't think I'm in a bad position. In the last two weeks, I realized that I am not head over shoulders over her, and that I can move on. I went salsa dancing on the weekend, and I had not one but two girls ask me to dance. My problem is not letting go if I have to.

 

My problem is that I want to give her a second chance, I really do. I just need help and advise on how to proceed. How long is it ok to wait. I know NC will always be there if I need it. But I feel like I still trust her when she said this things.. Is this so bad?

[Stoic44]

As long as you're not needy or pushy, you'll be fine. Wait. NC til you hear from her again.

 

When you do, hear her out, be light...then calmly say what you expect to move forward and ask her if she can do that.

[LduKaZ]

You dont think it was pushy of me to call her today do you?

 

I can hang on like this, but not for too long. Its monday today, I think putting the weekend as a limit is fair right?

[fungusamungus]

You haven't given yourself enough time to have gotten over this. For people who are looking for a reconciliation or a second chance, etc. you need to give yourself time to emotionally calm down. No offense, but if you just jump right back and throw yourself at the feet of your ex when she drunkenly reaches out to you, then you're not in a stable emotional state. Even if you try to tell yourself that you are, you know that you aren't.

 

I read the first post in this thread. She was the one who broke up with you, even if you were the one to actually verbalize it. It's pretty obvious what happened, you were more interested in her, you were more invested in her, you were more available for her, and she didn't know how to handle it. The text message in your first post says it all... "I like you, you're an awesome person and a really nice guy, but this is all just too much for me, and I can't be there the same way for you as you can for me." It's basically guilt on her part and she didn't feel like she could continue to let you put the kind of effort or investment into your relationship, when she couldn't do the same. It's unfortunate, but it happens.

 

I hope that's enough closure for you. Because that might be the best you're going to get.

[LduKaZ]

Thanks for your reply. Im obviously not emotionally perfect. I do miss her and want to be with her, but Im not laying there crying wondering why she left me. As I said, this will not happen again, ever, period.

 

But I had to give her the benefit of the doubt right? I mean she came back crying and asking for another chance.. Only two weeks after! Now shes hiding again. My closure wont come till I say Im DONE with you. And Im not going to do that until she talks to me sober.

[Stoic44]

You dont think it was pushy of me to call her today do you?

 

I can hang on like this, but not for too long. Its monday today, I think putting the weekend as a limit is fair right?

 

I'd give it a few days for a response then I'd call it quits. I mean, you don't want a girlfriend who takes forever to return your calls.

 

BTW, good job on the salsa...I've had many adventures after last call with some of the salseras out here in San Francisco You've got that to look forward to if this one doesn't come around.

Edited January 29, 2013 by Stoic44

[LduKaZ]

I'd give it a few days for a response then I'd call it quits. I mean, you don't want a girlfriend who takes forever to return your calls.

 

BTW, good job on the salsa...I've had many adventures after last call with some of the salseras out here in San Francisco You've got that to look forward to if this one doesn't come around.

 

Haha yeah! Im half latino though, so I usually dont go for latinas. But there were some cuteblondies looking to learn how to salsa. Im def going back there if things with this girl dont work out. lol Even if they do! lol

 

Hows your situation going man?

[Stoic44]

It always works in reverse, doesn't it? The Latinas want the white boys, and the Latin guys want the hot blondes.

 

Anyways, I've had good times at some of those salsa places. I mean--winding up in the girl's car in a parking lot kind of good times! And this is in my upper 30s. You shall learn, young Skywalker.

 

But my, those Latinas are jealous! No problem though, I can handle the fire--I'm half Italian.

 

My situation is screwed. I fell for her hard, in just three weeks, and she left to get back with the ex. I told her she had zero chance of coming back if she went to the ex. Haven't heard from her in a month. I'd thought at least I'd get an "how you doing?"

Edited January 29, 2013 by Stoic44

[LduKaZ]

Haha yeah, it def works that way! Parking lot sounds like a good time lol

 

And Im sorry to hear man. But at least she stopped the breadcrumbs and games. Its her loss really! Although Im sure I cant tell you anything you don't know already.

[grace777]

How long was she with her ex for? The one she left for you? Is it possible that she never dealt with letting that go completely, and now it's messing with your new relationship? I also don't think there's a new guy on the scene. It seems like she is super overwhelmed and maybe even a bit disappointed in her current life situation. You are something she really values, so she doesn't want to screw it up with you. That's kind of made her freeze in her tracks.

 

I'd wait a day and reply with something kind, but not gushy. Then contact her a few days later and see if you two can meet for a coffee or something. Then hopefully you two can openly discuss what's going on.

 

I don't think you should throw in the towel just yet. There's more to this than meets the eye and it seems like you both sincerely care about each other.

 

...my two cents

[LduKaZ]

Thank you Grace. I really hope your right. At this point of the night Ive come to realize than Im not really losing anything.. I mean sure it hurts a bit, but I think even if things dont work out at least Ill come out as a gentleman, and Ill learn a few lessons..

 

She was with this guy for a year.. But when I met her she hadnt seen him in like 3 months. The guy worked up north, and made lots of money. He was talking of buying a house and asking her to move in with him. And thats why she broke up with him. She said she wanted someone like me, whose there for her, enjoys spending time with and doesnt just throw money her way.

 

You are right, she didnt have time to heal. But I dont think she was very attached to this guy. Also, she had never said she loved me while we were dating. And she just said it when she came over this weekend.

 

I know she's a wreck right now, but I also know she cares about me. I just dont know how long I can take this. I do love her though, but I dont wanna be toyed around either.

[LduKaZ]

And so, I finally got my text a few hours ago:

 

I am so sorry for not getting back to you yesterday. I was just trying to think over things. I think it was really selfish of me to text u that night and unload so much **** on you, and Im so sorry. I really appreciate that u listened to me, especially my personal bull****. But it still wasn't fair to you. I confused you and myself. I want to go off and start explaining my reasoning for everything and try to explain what I'm feeling, but I know it's not what you need to hear. All I can say is that I'm sorry. And hope you can forgive me for any hurt I have caused you. I have to believe everything will work out how it's meant to, because i feel like an idiot giving us up. But I know inside that what I need the most right now is myself.. I will respect you and won't be selfish towards u again.

 

This was my reply:

 

I understand Jamie. May I talk to you on the phone one last time?

Edited January 30, 2013 by LduKaZ

[TaraMaiden]

Why?

What would it achieve?

How much further are you going to rip your wound open, to rub more salt in it?

If you want to talk to either convince her to give it another shot, or gain closure - it - won't - work.

 

You know, I get you're a nice guy, forgiving, compassionate, kind, heart of gold, that kind of thing, I really do - but I have to say, her message to you is actually intended to be final, and put a lid on things.

She's telling you it's over.

 

Asking to talk turns you from Mr. Nice Guy - to Mr Desperate.

 

She sent you a text - because she doesn't WANT to talk.

 

You shouldn't have tabled that question.

Because she was hoping the text would be enough.

 

She makes it very clear: What she needs right now is herself.

 

That means, on her own. Without you.

 

She's dumped you.

 

Honest hun - you really need to leave this alone, now.

 

No matter how much you poke the dead bunny with a stick - it's going to stay dead.