historydoesntsuck Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 I've been with my girlfriend for 18 months. We've talked about moving in together, but I just don't see how I can be okay with it anytime soon. She is pretty much my exact opposite, and not in good, complimentary ways. I'm a workaholic, she's been unemployed from a full time job for over a year. Now she's a part time nanny and considers that a satisfactory amount of work and money to bring to the table, but I don't. I need to have someone who works as hard as me, or at least close to it. For months she wasn't looking into jobs seriously, then got frustrated when it took longer than a month to find something in her search. I think she made it worse for herself because she left a corporate job a few years ago to go to law school, and then switched careers for a while. Now she can't get hired in any field. I work full time, and have two part time jobs. She gets mad that I work so much that we can't go on dates, but yet she won't work towards a career that can make a life for us. I refuse to move in with her until she has a steady job. Mainly because any lease or mortgage will be in my name because I have better credit. She wants to marry me (which we can't legally do in my state), but I refuse to sign legal/medical POA and combine finances until she has her crap together. I'm almost contemplating just moving on. The biggest concern I have in a relationship is the financial security of it all. So, any advice on how to have a motivated partner would be greatly appreciated. Link to post Share on other sites
WhatYouWantToHear Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 So, any advice on how to have a motivated partner would be greatly appreciated When will you women learn? You cannot get your partner to be a little better, or do something different, or aspire to do something. You can't want something for them more than they want something for themselves. And she doesn't want what you want her to want. Move on. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
SensitiveTJ Posted January 16, 2013 Share Posted January 16, 2013 You mentioned not being able to marry in your home state. Are you also a female? In any case, it doesn't really matter. I don't think you will change your girlfriend's mind on this subject, short of leaving the relationship. If she is not interested in being more ambitious and bringing some financial stability to her relationships, nothing you can do to "fix" that. People don't change unless they want to. More often, in fact, because they HAVE to. Until your girlfriend sees how her lack of career success is affecting her ability to keep romantic, why change? I think you leaving may be the wakeup call she needs. Link to post Share on other sites
missmac Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 you cannot make someone want to do or not do something. Finding motivation relies solely on each individual - even if others encourage them, it is still up to them to take the first step towards anything, they have to want something bad enough. no matter how much you tell someone "you should just be more _______" or "why can't you just be/realize that/ understand how ________?" or "you need to quit doing __________ because it's not good for you" they will not do anything to change until THEY want to. They have to want something bad enough before they will change. Maybe she will eventually see how little her part time job affords her, and decided that she needs more money, therefore she will seek out an opportunity to do so. Bottom line, it is often a waste of time to wish that someone was different or would change -they have to want something bad enough before they will change. COMMON PROBLEM - People who are dating drug addicts. Until they decide they want a better life for themselves, they won't change - and you are wasting your time and hurting yourself believing you can help them. Link to post Share on other sites
pink_sugar Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 What I've learned is the motivation has to come from within. You will only make her resent you by forcing her to do anything, but it sounds like you're already feeling bitter about the situation. If she doesn't change, you need to move on. I can understand her wanting you to work less. It sounds like you have 3 jobs? Or two part time jobs? But that means she would need to pull her share of the weight. If she's not doing so, it's time to move on. Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted February 12, 2013 Share Posted February 12, 2013 From workaholic to another: I'd really be hesitant to look at it like it's a GOOD quality. It's not. Link to post Share on other sites
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