We're trying but she's still hooked.

[tribbul]

Ok, this is going to be a long one, I apologise.

 

Me and my partner had a great relationship, and decided to move in together. She moved into my 1 bedroom flat from her own, in a different area of town.

 

Things were fine and the plan was to move out into a house as soon as we could.

 

She went on the pill and lost her libido, all else was good, but we didn't know what it was, so I kept trying to find out what I had done, she had no answer, so my digging only served to frustrate her.

 

We eventually worked out what it was and she came off the pill and things returned to normal over a few months.

 

We both had a scare in terms of job security and it was a very stressful time for us. I also found out she missed her flat and the area she lived in, and the social life she had there. I always offered to take her there to meet her friends and I'd pick her up when she wanted to come home to make it as easy for her to keep things up as I could make it.

 

Somehow she decided that I didn't want her going out, along with that she thought I _expected_ her to do the cooking and cleaning. I am guilty of letting her do that without question, but I never expected her to and (would have and currently am - since I found out) helped out with my fair share.

 

I'm quite driven and we really wanted a bigger place, a nice garden, and so I focussed on this, so didn't really do much with my friends, because the money saved meant we got out of that tiny flat and got somewhere much more comfortable (a short term sacrifice felt worthwhile to get our place sorted)

 

She missed her own place and I felt guilty for that so I basically relinquished control to her as a way to let her have whatever she wanted to lessen the feeling of loss, from where we went out on an evening to what flavour ice cream we bought, it was my way of letting her regain some control / direction.

 

It has turned out that doing that didn't help, at first she said "lets go here, there" etc etc but then she stopped, we ended up staying in a lot.

 

We got the money for the house together and moved in.

 

It came out recently that she thought I wasn't very social, and a bit wet (because I never made decisions...) and she was annoyed about having to make decisions, and we didn't go out because she didn't want to choose anymore, not because she didn't want to do things. (I love getting my way, and thought that letting her have her way would be a good thing, guess not)

 

We went on a well deserved holiday, things were a _lot_ better, held hands everywhere, talked a lot, and the physical side came back for the duration of the holiday.

 

We got back and I got ill, so I didn't kiss her (on the lips) for a few weeks.

 

So we moved into this house (which is when she thought life would be easier), saved up as fast as we could for the holiday (so limiting social activities again) then got back and I was distant physically for a few weeks. She became more disheartened, figuring that things won't get better since they didn't when she expected it, in reality a week or so later would have been our first real payday with a good chunk of disposable income.

 

For a few weeks I noticed her texting a lot, I asked about it and it was someone from work. She became very protective over he phone. (you all know what's coming, but I'll continue anyway)

 

One part of our relationship that suffered with the lack of a life was our communication, and since she moved offices she had no phone signal, so I said to her she could have my other phone (better reception) so we could keep in touch better. She agreed and swapped me phones, I checked it didn't have anything left on it after she swapped the memory card over, and the texts were still on the phone, but not one from the colleague.

 

I confronted her about it she admitted she had feelings for him and had kissed him on the work night out (I actually awoke with the feeling of pure panic something bad had happened to her but when I asked she said she was ok) I guess the something bad was the kiss.

 

There was a night of tears, arguing and stuff she said we'd work on it and end it with him. She went to work and told him she'd not be in touch any more.

 

Now about him:-

He started something with another colleague who left her fiance for him, then he dropped her like a stone, she won't talk about it since she said "It could destroy my relationship" (Her fiance knows nothing about it, other than she moved out, they made up and she moved back in).

 

According my partner, he had a f*ck buddy for the past 3 years, and now really wants to settle down...?!? IMO he just wants his needs fulfilling again..

 

He listened to her complaints about me (He was a bit of a confidant for her) and seems to have used the info to his advantage.

 

Obviously things weren't great but now that we were able to do more financially I made an effort, and took her to another city, just for some shopping, and to get out. It was nice but she was a bit distant. I later found out she was texting him when I wasn't looking, he laughed off her telling him she needed to sort things out with me.

 

There were 2 further kisses, one on a work errand to a shop, and another when she left for work early and met him at a shopping centre.

 

She has since promised to completely stop texting him. I have deleted all his messages from her phone, and his number (not that that would help, but it made me feel better) She has started leaving her phone around when she's not here, ie not being secretive with it, she's given me her Facebook and email passwords and isn't doing any work related socialising.

 

I think that she really is making an effort now. She still seems a bit weak though, and not really engaged in us. At work they have to do a handover if they're on different shfts, she said that is all the interaction they have now.

 

However the other day her friend, a colleague was hit by her partner, she went out for a cigarette as did the colleague she kissed. They came back in and my partner asked _him_ how her friend was. She told me that she didn't want to ask her directly as she felt she needed to hug her and she didn't want to hug since she'd cry. I explained that I felt this was unnecessary in my eyes and only served to see his sympathetic side. (she's agreed to NC with him as far as possible) He's due to leave for another office at the other side of the city in august.

 

Also he seems to have backed down now he knows he's no longer anonymous to me, he won't leave the office when I'm waiting for her outside.

 

So where we are now:-

 

She still has feelings for him, but is coming to the conclusion "it wasn't real".

 

She knows what we had was real, and she had real feelings before.

 

She resents me for her giving up her place and social life (but also says she knows that's not my fault)

 

She said we could be ok together, but is having trouble in feeling it is special, perhaps because things have been hard through all the scripming and saving and living in a tiny flat and her resentment, but says she did, and wants to get that back, she genuinely seems committed to make it work.

 

We had an amazing time indoor skiing at the weekend, she loved laughing at me (I spent most of the time horizontal)

 

She doesn't like anything physical including kissing, she said it feels weird.

She dislikes any sort of compliment on her looks or anything similarly "boyfriend like".

 

It's been a few weeks since she started NC and she has slipped on occasion, she still feels for him. I guess that's to be expected, and would it explain her feeling weird to me?

 

It seems like she's been comparing the image she had of him to me and reality.

 

Is that normal? I read something about the way someone invests emotionally in an affair and withdraws from the real partner, finds reasons why the AP is better than the real partner.

 

How do I compete with the idealised image of him? I feel that catching it early(ish) has meant she's not had a chance to see anything but the fantasy of him, so whilst it's good that they never went all the way, maybe it it ran the course she would find it easier to see me clearer again?

 

Especially when every night we "talk" I never feel like I get answers, so each night sucks, she dislikes coming home to that, but I can't seem to help it. Is there some way I can deal with this without having to upset her all the time?

 

Should I be able to make progress whilst she still feels for her loss? Or am I trying too hard when I should just be able to wait whilst she gets through that?

 

I've started to let her know she can talk to me about it, she can tell me if she's been thinking of him and I won't shout, I'm here to listen and support

her.

 

I'm not entirely sure what I'm asking but any advice is appreciated.

Edited January 16, 2013 by tribbul

[will1988]

You want to work things out with her? Really?! You are in denial! She is cheating on you; both pyscially and emotionally! You need to take your balls back from her coin purse and dump her! A little harsh word choice, but it is true. You are letting your girl friend have an emotional afair and quasi-physical fling with another man! Do you not get that? You are enabeling her to do this sort of things. If you put your foot down and told her to kick rocks, she could change. However, if you keep trying to work through this and not be agressive about it, she will continue to disapoint you. She will run back to this man the first chance she gets. Also, what makes you so sure where things are now are too good to be true? Meaning her allowing you access to her facebook and phone, but still being distant. Have you considered that she is doing those things to throw you off? To make you think she is trying to work on you two? She may have a new/fake facebook profile that she uses to contact him. She may even have a new/secret disposible cell phone she uses to keep in touch with him, but has it hidden in her car or somewhere you would never look! Have you thought of those options? After all, once a cheater, always a cheater. Also, the whole "I only kissed him" bit to me sounds like a load of bull s***! Cheaters often times make out what they did as a lot less than what actually happened in reality. For all you know, they've fornicated multiple times! If I were in your shoes, I would tell her to get out of my house and to never speak to me again. I know if my GF were to cheat on me, I'd kick her out ASAP. I'd expect nothingless if the situation was reveresed. You should not stand for this. She will continue to lie to you, and manipulate you. Eventually she will hurt you more than she is now. It will be tough and it will hurt to dump her, and to lose some one you love so much. However, it is better to nip this in the bud now before it totally consumes you and brings you down even more in the future. Remember, there is a reason that old saying goes "once a cheater always a cheater". Act now.

 

Good luck!

[tribbul]

Hey, thanks for the reply.

 

I can tell you for sure there is nothing going on currently.

 

I drive her everywhere, there is no opportunity for meeting him, she isn't going out on nights out anymore (because she knows I don't trust her at the moment) She has expressed genuine remorse, but she's struggling with her feelings for him.

 

She's trying to get him out of her mind, but struggling, there was a point where she was totally engulfed in this perfect vision she had of him, she's coming around to see that it was rose tinted glasses, but still a part of her likes what she saw and doesn't want to give up.

 

She made the choice to not take part in work outings, to not do overtime, to tell me when he was on shift, to start leaving her phone laying about and give me those passwords. She wants me to trust her again, but I'm struggling with how to rebuild things.

 

How can I be the fun guy I was when I feel like I'm being evaluated, my confidence has been knocked to the floor, and whilst I don't feel things are right yet?

 

I mean it's a catch 22. Things aren't right, so I can't be myself and the guy I was before this started, just mopey and needy I guess. and because I'm mopey and needy things won't improve.

 

I understand that the emotional intimacy needs fixing before the physical improves, but again I struggle, I used to feel I could talk about anything and hold her close. It may sound odd, but the lack of physical intimacy makes me feel more distant emotionally. and I guess the lack of emotional intimacy makes her feel distant too.

 

I just want to know where I start from, and do I wait until her feelings for him have calmed down further? or do I do something now whilst she's still grieving the loss of the affair (what?), and something else when she stops thinking about him?

[Bryanp]

Cheaters always lie about the physical part. It usually is just the tip of the iceberg. You stated that the other guy did this with someone else who was engaged and then dropped her. (it is too bad you cannot tell her boyfriend). You know that they must have had sex for her to move out.

 

Why do you think it was only kisses? This guy is a player and you know he would not just stop at kisses. I think your girlfriend is just playing you and you are the back up guy. If the roles were reversed would she be so accepting and forgiving as you? I doubt it.

[veggirl]

She cheats on you and then YOU are on here asking for advice on how to fix things? She hasn't done anything to fix the problem she caused, she is still admittedly in contact with the man she cheated on you with!

 

Do you see anything wrong with that? What is SHE doing to fix things, considering she is the one who completely fked it all up...and ps I'd be shocked if all they did was kiss.

 

and she has the balls to say she resents you for her choice in moving. that's laughable. why the heck are you settling for a cheater who still has feelings for another man? She isn't doing ANYTHING to help your relationship.

[tribbul]

I know when the first kiss happened, and the subsequent ones, unless the got further at work, then it can't have happened, that night out was the last "freedom" she had.

 

She's literally not anywhere but at work without me (she is dropped off and collected by me each day too.

 

She understands at the minute I cannot trust her until we're better, so she's making me sure I have nothing to worry about by having me certain of her whereabouts.

 

Also, now he knows he's on my radar he's hiding scared from me, and actually has a reason to worry about the consequences. He knows if I lose her there's nothing stopping me coming after him. (Currently I don't want to lose her respect).

 

So I really am sure it didn't go further, and they're not meeting outside of work, which is in front of others who she doesn't want to know about the whole thing (one of them would be removed). She has applied for a new job which would be in a different team, and based remotely so would see even less of him. He's also permanently leaving the office in August (he's got a new job which he can start once he finishes a part time course).

 

Trust me, I've been looking for any way anything further could have happened, it didn't (though if it had been a bit later, it may well have, I'm under no delusions on that)

[tribbul]

In terms of what she's done, we're trying to spend more time together (decent time).

 

We've gone skiing (which we both really enjoyed), we're truffle making at the weekend, had a karaoke night and just generally trying to have more good times together.

 

She is in general up for anything, with the exception of disliking (but she will accept) physical intimacy.

 

But what I'm trying to deal with is how do I stop focussing on the bad to really engage in spending quality time together?

 

Each night we get home and spend hours with me asking the same questions over and over. I don't understand how I can break the cycle of (questions -> crap evening -> not fun -> no improvement -> questions).

 

Like the skiing, we had a great time, then went to dinner, had a decent first hour, then I started with the questions, I can't help myself, saying it now shows I know I'm doing it, but I can't stop at the time.

[veggirl]

What questions are you asking?

 

If you are asking the same questions over and over, you are obviously not satisfied with the answers you are getting. That should tell you something guy.

 

She is a cheater, how long have you been together? She witholds physical affection and blames you for it when she IS the cause of the problem.

 

Why are you so hellbent on staying with a girl that cheated on you and HAS NOT even fully cut the other man off?

[will1988]

Also, to point something out how do you know she is not taking off of work when she is "at" work? How do you know she isn't leaving for long "lunch" breaks with this guy? I would drop her ASAP.

[Chi townD]

Sorry dude, but I got to agree with the others. She cheated on you and you're the only one in the relationship doing the heavy lifting to try and fix it. You've been the one hurt by all of this. SHe should be bending over backwards to try and make it up to you. To reassure you that she made a mistake and needs to recify it.

 

And I also agree that something more physical did happen than just a kiss. She's having an awfully hard time letting go of a guy she just shared a smooch with.

[tribbul]

Ok, so an update.

 

She is still struggling with feelings.

 

She has an interview for another job (in a different team, no need for _any_ contact with him, there's no real opportunities for a job in a different company since the NHS pretty much has the monopoly on mental health, specifically what she covers, over here...)

 

So if she gets that, no more patient handovers, and in august he moves to a different part of the city in a different role.

 

I pointed her at the post about how someone initiated affairs, it was on here, but I can't find it now, but someone also posted it at:

SurvivingInfidelity.com - What an OM wrote about targeting Married Women...Graphic

 

That seemed to strike a chord.

 

Then there seemed to be a bit more denial.

 

"if he was just after sex, why did he tell his mum, sister about me?"

Because she wouldn't notice, unless he rotates partners on a weekly basis anything more and he just looks like he's having short relationships, also did he tell them, or simply tell you he told them because he knows family is important to you, like you told him?

 

So to now:-

 

She's distant, but closer, making a concious effort to be more in the relationship. But I don't think physical intimacy is on her mind yet.

 

She says she knows she's lucky to have me, and hates how much pain she's caused me.

 

She says she wants to make it up to me, to make me happy.

 

She's trying to perk up around me (and it's noticable), but I keep bringing things down now, I still can't shake the pain off, to be myself. I have good and bad days at the moment.

[tribbul]

Second choice? Isn't that what everyone is when their partner cheats?

[tribbul]

Ok,

 

Since then I caught them in his car, she said they were just back from delivering medication, but I walked up the road and saw that they hadn't arrived in the last 2-3 mins, so they were sat there parked up.

 

I asked questions, after sending him inside (he's more of a man than me but walks off tail between legs when I tell him to get inside!?!) basically it ended up where she said she didn't want to be here any more. I asked here one time if it's what she wanted, and she said yes. I demanded she give me her house key.

 

Next day I see she arrived to work in his car, confronted she said, nothing happened. I asked where he slept "his bed", where she slept "his bed".

 

next day I delivered 6 black bin liners full of her clothes to her work car park, and a couple of crates of stuff.

 

I also wrote to all her family, and extended family explaining I was sorry I'd lose them as I felt like a real part of the family, explaining that she cheated last year and barely tried to work things out. And went from my bed in the morning to his in the evening. (but more tactfully)

 

She has been telling her best friend her twisted version of events, and no surprise they backed up the notion of leaving me for him.

 

She's really twisted events, what was her offering / volunteering sex as part of trying to make things work (a while ago now) has become "forced sex"! I know that's BS, I was there, and something like that happened to my mum so I'm really really conscious of that sort of thing. From november "my BF and I are a really good match" to december "we never worked, I wish we never moved in together"

 

Now she's at his, looking for a place to stay (not at his permanently).

 

Would these lies she told herself about how awful I am and how wonderful fade? I thought it was when they move in together and she see's the real flawed character. will her moving to her own place reduce the likelihood of that happening?

 

I know I'm going to get some "I told you so's" and yes you were right. but I hope for the best, I really love her, and this isn't her, literally, her entire personality has changed, and she's changed our entire history, even reading her own thoughts back from her diary she can't believe she was happy.

[silvermercy]

I really love her, and this isn't her, literally, her entire personality has changed, and she's changed our entire history, even reading her own thoughts back from her diary she can't believe she was happy.

Good for you! Never look back! Let your revenge be the crappy life she will have afterwards, sooner or later. Guaranteed.

 

About her personality change, I think the real her surfaced NOW. What you saw and fell in love with at the beginning was just her other "good" but fake personality. You fell in love with the image she was presenting, not her. The "real her" is the one you see now.

[GSB81]

And this is why you don't give a cheater a second chance. All that crap about "struggling with her feelings for him" would have been all I needed to kick her sorry ass to the curb.