Guy texting both me and my daughter

[Ringlet]

I really need advice on how to handle this situation, and I apologize in advance for the length. First, some background. This situation involves a young man who both my daughter and I have known for several years. A few months ago, this guy and I started a sexual relationship. It was something we sort of fell into, but he was very assertive, said all the right things, and for my part I fell rather hard. The actual sex lasted only a short while as chances to see each other were rare, but we have kept in touch by text, and some of those conversations have been quite sexual in nature. The last time he was away for work he asked for a picture of me and I sent one, not a nude photo, but one that was tastefully suggestive.

 

As I said, this young man is also a friend of my daughter's. I use the term friend loosely, as he is several years older and they didn't hang out as friends or anything, although they were involved with the same groups etc. they did have very casual contact by text (ie: once a month or so). My daughter just turned 18. She knows I am friends with this guy, but does not know the extent of our relationship.

 

To make a very long story shorter, this guy started texting me just before Christmas after a brief hiatus. All during the weeks during Christmas and New Years he texted me and initiated most of the contact. Some of these texts were just conversational, but others were very flirty. On Boxing Day he also texted my daughter and asked her how her Christmas was. On New Year's Eve, my daughter texted him with something she thought he would find funny. Over the next few days he texted us both continuously, and though I knew his messages to her were just fun and friendly, something about it bothered me.

 

When they started a competition with a computer game score, it got a little out of hand with him texting her at 2:00 in the morning. She doesn't take her phone to bed, so she wasn't getting the messages, but I would see his name on her screen. She didn't hide any of these messages from me, so I know there was nothing inappropriate being said. About a week after we returned from our holiday travels, his texts to me stopped and his texts and contact with her continued and escalated. He was now texting her at times when he would have texted me, still just talking about games and tv shows, but he was looking for excuses to talk to her. He also started favouriting her tweets and liking her pictures on Instagram, that sort of thing. All of this hurt me as a person, that his interest in me was waning, and it bothered me as a mother that he seemed to have this sudden interest in my daughter. Not to mention the high ick factor given our relationship.

 

Fast forward to the past few days. I haven't heard from him for almost a week, though he had been texting my daughter. He was texting her one night and I decided to reach out to him to see how things went. He replied and our conversation got very flirty after my daughter went to bed. However, the next day, he barely responded to me when I texted him, but continued to talk to my daughter when she replied to his last texts from the night before.

 

I had brief contact with him yesterday, and given our conversation, I sent hi a text this morning suggesting we get together for coffee or something. When my daughter got up for school and checked her phone we found that he had texted her at 3:30 saying that it didn't seem like she was working very hard on her game score. This is the first contact she'd had with him in days. I was very upset although I tried not to let on, but I did tell her that I didn't think she should encourage late night texts from him. She was a bit put out about that. Although she has no romantic interest in him, I think she enjoys the attention from an older guy.

 

So I really need to know how to handle this. I'm losing sleep and it is killing me. This is the last I can take. I feel like a fool now for asking him to get together. I don't know if I should cut my ties with him and leave it be, if I should talk to him about it, or what. The difficult part is that I was so into him, and still am, but this whole situation is really grossing me out. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[Minka333]

The guy sounds like a player and maybe waiting for a chance to pounce on your daughter. You should cut him lose. Your daughter is more important and you should think of ways to protect her from him. He might be taking advantage of your child's innocence and naivety.

[Ringlet]

There is absolutely no question that my child comes first. I just want to make sure I'm not over-reacting out of semi-jealousy (she is 18 and he is closer to her age than mine). But I also don't want him starting something with her after having a relationship with me (maybe he's not trying but...) and if he is I'm at a loss as to how I should approach this to nip it now.

[Emilia]

 

So I really need to know how to handle this. I'm losing sleep and it is killing me. This is the last I can take. I feel like a fool now for asking him to get together. I don't know if I should cut my ties with him and leave it be, if I should talk to him about it, or what. The difficult part is that I was so into him, and still am, but this whole situation is really grossing me out. Any advice would be so appreciated.

 

Well you need to cut him loose obviously. You are too emotionally involved with someone who only views you as something casual.

 

More importantly though, you have to tell your daugther that the two of you had a sexual relationship

[Toddbt12y1]

Knowing how a dumb Guy brain works, he is probably fantasying about your daughter. Or a mother-daughter type thing. He does sound like a player. It is disgusting. He's been with you, and now possibly wants the same with your daughter? Very nasty,

 

But not surprising these days. Does he work? To be up at 330 or late constantly to text her about some lame g/s? He should be saited with you...Unfortunately he probably realizes he's gotten the milf, now the daughter...

 

Guys, as you know, say the right things, to get sex. He did to you. Sounds like he could be playing this g/s thing as a way to get into your daughter's life more. Some people can be sly..

 

Of course, I speculate. He could be overly nice, but given this era of people...I'd do what you feel as best.

[Toddbt12y1]

Well you need to cut him loose obviously. You are too emotionally involved with someone who only views you as something casual.

 

More importantly though, you have to tell your daugther that the two of you had a sexual relationship

 

This and more! Telling her this will definitely put her off on any potential future encounters, I'm sure of it.

[Ringlet]

Knowing how a dumb Guy brain works, he is probably fantasying about your daughter. Or a mother-daughter type thing. He does sound like a player. It is disgusting. He's been with you, and now possibly wants the same with your daughter? Very nasty, But not surprising these days. Does he work? To be up at 330 or late constantly to text her about some lame g/s? He should be saited with you...Unfortunately he probably realizes he's gotten the milf, now the daughter...

 

The nature of his work has him keeping odd hours. It's not unusual for him to be awake at 3:30 am, and he may not even see texting my daughter at that time as inappropriate. I think it certainly pushes the boundaries, especially given he is trying to draw her into a conversation.

 

Guys, as you know, say the right things, to get sex. He did to you. Sounds like he could be playing this g/s thing as a way to get into your daughter's life more. Some people can be sly..

 

Of course, I speculate. He could be overly nice, but given this era of people...I'd do what you feel as best.

 

Touché. He is a very friendly, naturally flirty guy, but his sudden intense interest in her, coupled with his lack of communication with me rings warning bells.

 

Well you need to cut him loose obviously. You are too emotionally involved with someone who only views you as something casual.

I agree. He's gone through periods of no contact with me and it hurts more than it should. I know I have to end it.

 

More importantly though, you have to tell your daugther that the two of you had a sexual relationship

I don't think I can do this without hurting my relationship with my daughter.

 

I don't know if he will reply to my request to get together. Despite our conversation a few nights ago (which is probably another thing that could factor in here) he hasn't seemed to keen to talk to me. I'm thinking maybe I should bring it up with him. If he isn't interested in her then hopefully he can reassure me that nothing is going on and he will realize his behaviour is inappropriate. If he has been sniffing around, it might scare him off.

[Emilia]

I don't think I can do this without hurting my relationship with my daughter.

 

Why? She is an adult

 

I don't know if he will reply to my request to get together. Despite our conversation a few nights ago (which is probably another thing that could factor in here) he hasn't seemed to keen to talk to me. I'm thinking maybe I should bring it up with him. If he isn't interested in her then hopefully he can reassure me that nothing is going on and he will realize his behaviour is inappropriate. If he has been sniffing around, it might scare him off.

 

It seems to me that you are looking for the easy way out. You need to talk to your daughter, this is not fair on her. Besides, he doesn't sound like the kind of guy whose word you can take as gospel?

[sweetkiwi]

Half my moms friends have done this same crap. And I wish she had protected me from them. Yes I am an adult woman 7 years older than your daughter but still the responsibilities are the same.

 

Tell her about the sexual relationship that happened between you and this man. He IS TRYING to do something suspicious with your daughter. Don't let him.

[Toddbt12y1]

I agree. He will tell you one thing, only to do another. Don't put anymore faith in people then what is necessary. Telling her may get her scorn. But I doubt a daughter would wanna screw the same Guy her mom did(who knows?) I doubt it. She sounds smart enough to not do that.

[Emilia]

Besides, what if HE tells her? How do you think that would make your daugther feel?

[Toddbt12y1]

Besides, what if HE tells her? How do you think that would make your daugther feel?

 

Or worse. He could have sex with her daughter, then after tell her. I've known snide people who'd do just that.

[Ringlet]

I don't know if I'd call it the easy way out. It's not exactly a conversation I want to have with him either, especially if it is perfectly innocent and I'm making a mountain out of a molehill.

 

Half my moms friends have done this same crap. And I wish she had protected me from them. Yes I am an adult woman 7 years older than your daughter but still the responsibilities are the same.

 

Tell her about the sexual relationship that happened between you and this man. He IS TRYING to do something suspicious with your daughter. Don't let him.

 

Just to clarify, this is not some dirty old man after my daughter. He is much closer to her age than to mine, and they have been friends for a long time. If we hadn't had sex, I would still be iffy about him pursuing her because, although that age gap isn't huge, he is much more worldly, but it wouldn't be as big a deal. Obviously I do very much like him, and I'm usually very picky.

 

I agree. He will tell you one thing, only to do another. Don't put anymore faith in people then what is necessary. Telling her may get her scorn. But I doubt a daughter would wanna screw the same Guy her mom did(who knows?) I doubt it. She sounds smart enough to not do that.

 

He may not admit to being interested in her, but I don't think he will continue if he knows I know. At this point, I'm pretty sure he thinks I have no clue he is texting her. It's not that there is anything to hide really, other than the hours he closes, but he hasn't mentioned it to me. Still, he knows we're close so, who knows.

 

Besides, what if HE tells her? How do you think that would make your daugther feel?

 

He won't tell her. I know that. It's been very much a secret between the two of us.

[Emilia]

You never know, your daugther would have perhaps new-found respect for you if you took responsibility for your actions. I know I would have had much more respect for my mother if she had done that rather than just look for easy ways out all the time.

 

You seemed to have made up your mind that you won't talk to either of them since you don't like uncomfortable conversations sooooo.... I guess that's good luck from me.

[Ringlet]

Or worse. He could have sex with her daughter, then after tell her. I've known snide people who'd do just that.

 

I really don't think he'd do that either. He isn't some random guy. We've both known him for years. And he is generally a sweetheart. He may not even have any interest in her, but my spicy senses are tingling, and the momma bear in me wants to protect my baby. I know for a fact she has no interest in him - she's head over heels for another boy. But she does enjoy the attention, and they have fun conversations together. I don't have a problem with that, I just have a problem with 3:00 am texts.

[Charlie Harper]

You got involved with someone who probably was not attached emotionally to you. Now this guy is playing Mr. Nice/Fun guy with your daughter and he seems pretty good at it!!!! You said it ourself on the OP, he said all the right things and then you had a sexual relationship...where do you think he is going wih your daughter???

 

Be open, let her know and protect her, this guy is a player, and most probably will damage your relationship with your daughter if you let this continue in the dark...

[sweetkiwi]

Its time for the secrets to end. My mothers friends aren't dirty old men either. She is only 47 and the men are younger than her.

 

You need to put your mommy pants on and stop this crap from happening. PERIOD.

[Ringlet]

You never know, your daugther would have perhaps new-found respect for you if you took responsibility for your actions. I know I would have had much more respect for my mother if she had done that rather than just look for easy ways out all the time.

 

You seemed to have made up your mind that you won't talk to either of them since you don't like uncomfortable conversations sooooo.... I guess that's good luck from me.

 

It stings that you are so close to the mark. You're right. And I probably should tell her. I just don't want to hurt her, or have her lose respect for me. This guy is years younger than I am. And he is her friend as well.

 

Shouldn't I confront him as well though? It seems he is the instigator here. He is the only one with knowledge of the whole situation.

[Ringlet]

You got involved with someone who probably was not attached emotionally to you. Now this guy is playing Mr. Nice/Fun guy with your daughter and he seems pretty good at it!!!! You said it ourself on the OP, he said all the right things and then you had a sexual relationship...where do you think he is going wih your daughter???

 

Be open, let her know and protect her, this guy is a player, and most probably will damage your relationship with your daughter if you let this continue in the dark...

 

You may be right. Our relationship beginning was more situational than him saying the right things, actually. And while I am certainly more emotionally involved, for a time I worried that I was being the cougar pouncing on the prey (not really what happened, but the age gap made it feel like that for a bit).

 

As for him talking to my daughter, they have had contact in the past - text conversations, gone for coffee, etc. it's just that this sudden interest combined with his lack of interest in talking to me has me worried.

 

Its time for the secrets to end. My mothers friends aren't dirty old men either. She is only 47 and the men are younger than her.

 

You need to put your mommy pants on and stop this crap from happening. PERIOD.

 

Good point.

[melodymatters]

It stings that you are so close to the mark. You're right. And I probably should tell her. I just don't want to hurt her, or have her lose respect for me. This guy is years younger than I am. And he is her friend as well.

 

Shouldn't I confront him as well though? It seems he is the instigator here. He is the only one with knowledge of the whole situation.

 

I doubt your daughter will think ill of you. My daughter was very supportive of my marriage to a younger man. ( she also was 18 at the time)

 

And YES ! I DO think you should put this ball in HIS court. Just say " Joe, obviously we were just having a bit off fun, and I know you and daughter are friends, but this situation is seriously creeping me out, so I think you and I need to end things and I think it would be best if you put a little distance between you and daughter for a while and let things settle."

 

He would be a creep to continue and then you would want him FAR from your D.

[Ringlet]

Well, I talked to my daughter. I told her, without giving too many details, that this guy and I had been more than friendly, and that I was concerned about his intentions. I cited his pulling away from me, his sudden increased interest in her, and the late night texts. I made it clear that I wasn't accusing her of anything, but that as a mom I felt the need to voice my concerns.

 

She said she figured there was something going on with us, but didn't know the extent. She was a little weirded out by it, but was more put out that I thought something might be going on with them. She acknowledged my concerns, but said that she was in no way interested in him, and she didn't get the vibe from him that he was interested in her as anything other than a friend. She said the she just assumed that the late night texts were something he did before bed - shot off texts to a bunch of friends before going to sleep. She said she knows lots of people who do that and sometimes does it herself. I can certainly say this is plausible, he has texted us both at late hours, albeit with very different content, so it may be something he does.

 

I feel better about the situation now that she has assured me that she would not ever consider getting involved with him, and she told me that she responded to his text this morning by saying that she hasn't really been playing the game much and her score has been terrible. it was enough of a shut down that he may back off a bit. Im glad about that.

 

And YES ! I DO think you should put this ball in HIS court. Just say " Joe, obviously we were just having a bit off fun, and I know you and daughter are friends, but this situation is seriously creeping me out, so I think you and I need to end things and I think it would be best if you put a little distance between you and daughter for a while and let things settle."

 

He would be a creep to continue and then you would want him FAR from your D.

 

I think you're right. I still feel as though I should say something to him to tie up the ends.

 

As a side note, he has not responded to my request to get together, and so far he has not responded to her reply to his text.