torn between ex-lover and my husband please HELP!!!!!

[kbambam]

i could use some help i'm torn between two men that i love deeply

 

i have been married to my high school sweet heart for 6 1/2 years we have both cheated on each other and we have forgiven and forgotten

 

and this is where my problem starts

the man i cheated with was a good friend of mine and still is but since our affair he is now married

 

on the occasion we are alone together he jokes about us running away together

 

but as of late our joking has become more serious and our friendly hugs goodbye have become hugs of longing and lust

 

i love my husband we have 2 children together but sometimes i just wanna say i'm in love with someone else and we want to be together

 

but i'm not sure if the om wants to have a relationship or just s*x

 

the om is unhappy in his new marriage or so he says

 

but i find my self thinking of the om all the time and i find dumb reasons just to see him or call him

 

and if i do cheat can i keep it secret can he

do i even want to and dose he

 

and the big part of my and the om relationship was s*x and my husband is not as good in bed as the om is and that is a real big deal to me

my husband have talked about this issue but nothing seems to help

 

i hope this makes sense and if it dosent sorry and i hope i posted this in the right place

 

any help please

[Conqueror224]

I'm not sure but it sounds like this om just wants to have some s*x with you. Just like before so try and stop any relationship you have with him and stick with your husband. Just forget about him and you may even want to tell your husband about how you are feeling but not until you have made a desicion wich guy you want to "love."

 

Hope the advice helps.

[kbambam]

thanks it helps a little

 

to make my self clear i would not cheat on my husband if i did choose the om i would end my marriage first

[krbshappy71]

You would end a marriage over SEX?? Dear god I hope you are joking. So the words "till death do us part" really meant "till we find someone better in the sack" to you?? Your poor husband, I'm sorry, but this is just sad. You said you forgave and forgot each other for the first affairx, which sounds like a huge commitment you made to him to start a new life together, now you want to throw it away. Sad Sad Sad no wonder the divorce rate is so high around here.

[Oddone]

You're already cheating. We've heard it over and over, infidelity starts in the mind and in the heart. I'm not talking about just lust. When you start giving of yourself in terms of trust and confiding in another person in a way that you wouldn't tell your spouse about, your cheating.

 

Sounds like you both enjoy the chase and the feeling of doing something you shouldn't. We all want more for what we know we can't or shouldn't have. I think you need to step away and think clearly here about what's at stake and how much you do or don't value it (the kids feelings and lives just to name one). Trust me, i walked away from a 12 year marriage and as good as I feel about that being the right thing to do, there are always lingering reality aftermaths of that decison that haunt you for years to come.

 

Not to open another can of worms; but, I've always been a firm believer of the idea that people of the opposite sex cannot be "close" friends without the crossing this bridge. Take it or leave it but I think you need to step away from this friendship if, and I say again if you want to save your marriage. It is clearly negative catalyst.

[TMCM]

kbambam,

 

Hate to say this but you are once again cheating on your H. You may not be having sex with your ex-lover 'friend' [yet] but you are repeating the initial steps that made it possible for you to do so. You are allowing your attraction for the OM to help you invent excuses for you to see him. If you think I'm full of crap then ask yourself 'Would I beleive that my H could still be friends with his ex-lover without worrying that his affair with her could reignite?'. Unless you totally adopt a policy of no contact with the OM [forever], you are playing Russian roulette with your marriage.

 

I think you owe it to yourself [and your H] to be radically honest with him and express to him what you expressed here on this thread. Sure it will hurt him BUT you'll be giving him fair warning that your emotional need for sexual satisfaction is still not been met by him and [more importantly] an opportunity to change that.

 

I wish you the best.

[crepesuzette]

hello there, I read your post and was totally in shock because I am going through the same exact thing, except that my ex and I have acted on it and we have talked about how we are both married to the wrong people. I could just kick myself for ever leaving him in the first place. We have such bad luck. The kicker is I actually set him up with the woman he wound up marrying. I remember going to their wedding and having a sick feeling in my stomach the entire time. I would love to talk to you more about this since you're about the only one I can think of that would understand. I mean this is not just a sexual fling, there are true feelings involved.

 

I hope you figure it out, because God knows I'm not having any luck in my situation. All I know is that I'm getting in deeper.

[teressa0397]

Originally posted by crepesuzette

hello there, I read your post and was totally in shock because I am going through the same exact thing, except that my ex and I have acted on it and we have talked about how we are both married to the wrong people. I could just kick myself for ever leaving him in the first place. We have such bad luck. The kicker is I actually set him up with the woman he wound up marrying. I remember going to their wedding and having a sick feeling in my stomach the entire time. I would love to talk to you more about this since you're about the only one I can think of that would understand. I mean this is not just a sexual fling, there are true feelings involved.

 

I hope you figure it out, because God knows I'm not having any luck in my situation. All I know is that I'm getting in deeper.

ok i dont no if i'am right person to give information to you but i'am in the same boat; i care for my husband but love my ex; i don't no what to do; but i think if i leave my husband for my ex iam messing up; i been with my ex for 9 year's he has not ask me to go with him; he has a live an girfriend but if he love's her why is he seeing me??? i ask my self that every day; so see if you dearly love your husband leave your ex alone it's not worth it an the long run there's too much pain ad tear's and crying believe i'am the person who no's; lot's of luck

[teressa0397]

YES I HAD AN AFFAIR MY FEELINGS FOR HIM IS REAL ITS NOT JUST SEX: I TRULEY LOVE DANNY IT TAKE SOME ONE TO NO WHAT IAM SAYING HERE: WHEN YOU SEE A PERSON FOR OVER 8YEARS YOU BECOME THAT PERSON:

[jmargel]

i have been married to my high school sweet heart for 6 1/2 years we have both cheated on each other and we have forgiven and forgotten

 

Wrong, otherwise you wouldn't be still lusting after this other guy. You haven't learned from your mistake. Do your husband a favor and leave him, he deserves better. All you are being is selfish, and disrespecting your vows. To you they are just words without meaning behind them. You are playing with fire and you will be the one getting burned. You think this OM is going to leave his wife for you and live happily ever after with you? Wrong.

 

Go ahead, cheat on your husband or leave him for this OM. I can guanatee you in a few months you'll be on here expressed your stupidity and remorse for what you have done and asking for advice on how to get your husband back. You need to break all contact with this OM and resolve to the fact that it was never meant to be between you two. If you aren't happy in your marriage then seek marriage counseling. You are looking for an easy way out, but all it will do is cause major problems.

[Inovermyhead]

I really truly understand what you are going through. I, too, am in a similar situation, except my ex (well, actually exex) and I share a child together. It was a messy breakup.....he was seeing someone else when I was pregnant. I knew about it for about 1 1/2 months, he denied it. We fought all the time about her. He left me when I was 3 months pregnant.. for the OW, but told me it was because of the fighting. Well, duh, we were fighting about his affair. I know, for that in itself, I should hate him, but, for some reason what I feel is anything but hate.

 

The whole story is quite a tale, but, I don't want to share it all publicly.

 

The point is, now we have reconnected, for the second time. The first reconnection, I was still single, and it got much more involved. This time it's more talking. We are LD. The problem is, we are both married, with young children.

 

He says his marriage (to the OW by the way) has problems. In a way I feel like when things are bad with him and her, he comes running to me.

 

My head tells me, stay away from him, all he caused you was pain before. If he loved you, he wouldn't have left you that way, or at all for that matter. Nothing good will come of this. Then, my heart tells me, I love him, I can't forget him.

 

I love my husband very much as well. So, yes, I love 2 men. Sometimes I could just hit my head on the wall to knock some sense into me.

 

It's so hard to be "in love" with 2 men. I guess what we really have to do is step back from the situation, somewhere by ourself, and decide what we are willing to deal with. Which is better, longing for the ex who is mostly emotionally unavailabe, maybe completely physically unavailable, crying over him, or trying to realize what we have, and take it and run! Is it really so much fun to have to sneak around to talk, not be able to talk at all for days or weeks because the other person is "busy", and rarely, if ever see this other person?

 

Right now, I am in the longing stage, but, trying to get out! Is it really love if it hurts you so much?

 

I know I love my husband, and that doesn't cause pain. So, my head tells me the answer, but the damn heart won't let go. I have a wiring problem .

[Owl]

The only way your heart is going to "let go" is if you totally break off contact with the OM, COMPLETELY!! No calls, emails, IMs, meetings, etc...

 

That applies to anyone in the situation that you all are in. You can't focus on one relationship, so both suffer. You've made a commitment to the man your married to. So, I agree with Jmargel in this: either fix your commitment and stay committed, or get the hell outta the marriage. See...not so hard, you've only got two choices. Pick one and DO it. Remember the immortal words of Yoda: "Do, or do not. There is NO try!"

[Ladyjane14]

Oooooooh, be careful of the undertow, InOverMyHead.

 

I imagine it must be a pretty heady feeling to be an OW, a big boost to the self-esteem to know that you have taken another woman's man from her.

 

Have you ever heard an old song by Dolly Parton called 'Jolene'? If not, it's about a woman who can't compete with her husband's mistress. Jolene is beautiful, and can take him away with ease, leaving his wife to beg her "not to take my man, even though you can"

 

I'm just wondering if at a subconscious level, it might be pretty sweet for you to 'even the score'. Afterall, the OW in your ex's life might have been able to take him away, but now, it seems that she can't keep him.

 

Great boost for your self-esteem, but at what cost?

 

Just food for thought.

[Inovermyhead]

Ladyjane,

 

Yea, I am in a mess! In total, the ex and I have been apart for 8 years. In the meantime, he and I both married, and both had 2 more children. Too much too fast with unresolved feelings on both parts.

 

During our first reconnection I did get satisfaction out of "taking back my man", to an extent.

 

I didn't feel sorry for her, I hated her for knowing that he had a pregnant girlfriend who lived with him when she got with him.

 

There's only 1 reason we didn't get back together. She lied to him, said she couldn't have kids, then mysteriously ended up pregnant. He had told her that if he could change what he did to me, he would never do it again. SO, smart woman decided the way to keep him was to get pregnant herself! What do you know, it worked! She even went so far as to call me and tell me that she won! There is a name for women like her.

 

He still wanted me too, but, I couldn't take it anymore. I refused to go from GF and mother of baby to OW and ever remain the OW.

 

Now, we are reconnected, and I have to "wait" until he contacts me to talk. Sometimes it's days, others it's weeks. Sometimes I don't even know if he will. I am stupid!!

 

I have my husband who adopted my child with the ex, DIDN'T leave me when I was pregnant with his 2 kids, and truly loves me. Then there's the ex. Not quite sure what to say there.

[Owl]

So...what do you want? Your marriage to your current husband, or your relationship with your OM? Doing both isn't fair. Not fair to your husband, who's moving along thinking everything is fine. Not fair to you, since your sitting there totally confused and not sure what to do. Not even fair to your OM...because now HE's not giving all of his attention to his marriage either.

 

You've posted here looking for advice and help. Think about that. You know what's going on is wrong, hurtful, unfair, etc... So make the decision to do something about it, and DO IT. Sounds tough? Yup. But that's where everyone ends up when an affair (emotional or physical, it doesn't matter) happens.

[Ladyjane14]

Sweetie, your ex is a 2-time loser. He cheated on you with the OW, then he cheated on her with you. And really, who knows how many others there may have been in between.

 

He dumped you when your were pregnant.

 

Occasionally, I've seen posts on these forums that say: "the heart wants what the heart wants". Well, the heart is a DUMMY without a working brain!

 

Now, you've said that you're current husband is a good man who adopted your child as his own. So, on the one hand you have a "2-time loser", on the other you have a "good man". You do the math!

 

The confusion you're feeling about all this could be coming from so many different sources that I seriously doubt that it's all about true love.

 

There's the possibility that you still have unfinished business with the OW. And also the probablility that your "good man" is not meeting your emotional needs.

 

Sometimes, when we feel confused by a past relationship, it means that we are avoiding dealing with the real issues in our lives. I think most women have probably idealized a former boyfriend, or first love, remembering him as better than what he actually was. It's avoidance. We don't have to deal with problems in our marriage or address the ho-hum ordinary details in our day-to-day.

 

No Contact is usually the best way to handle an attraction that you don't want to act on. But you do have a child together, so that may not be feasable.

 

I do have a suggestion for you, but you'll have to think on it carefully..... And that is: to burn your bridges. Tell your current husband about your attraction to the ex. Enlist his help in managing child visitation and minimizing contact.

 

If you're going to stay with your current husband, then you two will need to work on whatever problems in your relationship that have led you to this place that you're in. Letting go of your ex will allow you to concentrate your full attention on your current marriage, which is endangered and in need of attention.

 

Think carefully, and good luck.

[Inovermyhead]

Ladyjane,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtfullness and advice!

 

Yes, he kicked me out of his house when I was 3 months pregnant, told me to go home to my parents. When we first found out I was pregnant, he was so happy. Even said that he was glad, out of all of the women he had dated, that I was the one having his baby. I literally begged him not to do that to us, but, he said it was too late.

 

He is about 9 years older than me. I was in college at the time. I found the OW's number in his book, he suddenly needed a cell phone, became VERY demanding on me...all major red flags.

 

It really does hurt that he married the OW, and left me. But, has he been faithful to her during the marriage? My guess is no.

 

I can truly say that I don't think I would want to live with him. I do not think I could trust him.

 

What am I feeling then? I just don't know. Maybe it's the need for answers. Why did he make me leave? Why did he disregard his first born? Why did he have 2 more children and forget about the 1 he had first? Maybe I need to feel needed by him? I will probably never get any answers.

 

He doesn't see our child, hasn't in many years. Hasn't sent birthday cards, christmas gifts, anything at all for that matter. But, really, it is better for our child that way. My husband adopted our child, so, in every sense that matters, he is his daddy.

 

It would literally crush my husband if he knew I was feeling this way. Maybe it isn't really love I am feeling, but, something else. Maybe I just have to figure out what that something else is.

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Inovermyhead ....

He doesn't see our child, hasn't in many years. Hasn't sent birthday cards, christmas gifts, anything at all for that matter. But, really, it is better for our child that way. My husband adopted our child, so, in every sense that matters, he is his daddy.

 

Well, maybe No Contact wouldn't be too much of a problem then.

 

Have you thought about getting some individual counseling to help you identify the reasons why you are feeling dissatisfied with your current marriage?

[Ladyjane14]

Originally posted by Inovermyhead ....

Maybe it's the need for answers. Why did he make me leave? Why did he disregard his first born? Why did he have 2 more children and forget about the 1 he had first? I will probably never get any answers.

 

Oooh!oooh!oooh! I know!I know!!!!!.....

 

....It's because he's a LOSER! (But you already knew that. )

[Inovermyhead]

You know, some issues in my marriage are unfair to my husband. You see, he is 6'2 and 242 pounds. When we met he was 6'2 and 190 pounds. A very big difference. I am 5'6 and 135 pounds. What I am trying to say without being mean, because it will sound like it.....his weight gain has made my physical attraction to him diminish. Now, I know that isn't fair, but, it's how I feel. I did talk with him about it the other night, and, he was a bit offended. I did tell him that the extra weight isn't good for his health either, which it isn't.

 

Also, it is very difficult for me having him be gone from home as long as he is. You see, he takes college courses two nights a week, and he's a hunter. So, alot of the time I am home with our kids by myself. It could be worse, my ex would not be home, but, he would be at the bar all night!!

 

You see, my husband and my ex are opposites. (Duh, right, lol). My ex is a typical bad boy. He likes fast cars, smoking, bars, hanging out with friends (alot), and sex too I guess (which he was good at, although not very endowed). OOOPS, did I say that? He also has VERY bad language. My husband, on the other hand goes to a bar maybe once a month, doesn't smoke, rarely "hangs out", and sex is important, just not too often. Husband is very intelligent, does not curse, does not stray, and is well endowed, but only so so in bed.

 

So, what's my problem? Well, I like the bad boy type in bed, but my husband in life. I think I am also putting an ideal on the "things" the ex and I used to do together. That was before kids. My husband and I never had a relationship to do alot of "things" because my son and I came as a package. I am NOT saying I want my ex in bed. Not sure if that makes sense.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Inovermyhead

 

So, what's my problem? Well, I like the bad boy type in bed, but my husband in life.

 

Well...all I can say is how very pleasureable for you...and very unfair to your husband. Sorry, but I just find that statement totally repulsive. Lady...my wife has doubled in weight since I met her...she's not my ideal woman in bed....but I would NEVER consider doing something like this. You need to get yourself straightened out, and instead of getting everything YOU want...get what's right. Pick one of the two and go for it, but doing both is just sad.

[Inovermyhead]

Owl,

 

No, no, no....I am NOT going to bed with my ex! My husband is a much better man, but, I am just having some issues right now. Like I said, I know the weight issue is not fair. We have only been together for 6 years, so, it came on real fast. Can I truly help the attraction problem though (regarding husband, not ex)?

 

At the same time I talked with my husband about his weight, I also told him that I would want him to tell me if I was getting a bit big. And, I meant it! You know, the odd part in this issue is that my husband told me, before we were married, that if I got fat, he would leave me. I am not going to leave my husband because he has put on a pretty large amount of weight.

 

Really, I am not here to say that I want to leave my husband. I am just really confused.

[Ladyjane14]

Good for You!!! You've identified at least 3 problems in the marriage!

 

The key to solving relationship problems is first identifying them. Sometimes that's the difficult part, when you're just feeling kind of ho-hum about it all.

 

These problems are areas where you can take action! And when you take action, you'll find that even the smaller issues are more likely to be addressed.

 

First problem, his weight gain. There are all sorts of things you can do about this. The holidays are right aroung the corner. How about a membership to the gym for both of you? You could bring home some pamphlets on diabetis and heart disease. You can control the cooking and the groceries coming into the home. You can pack him a healthy lunch everyday, instead of letting him grab a greasy burger.

 

Second problem, his time. He needs to spend more time with you. There are ways around that too. You'll have to take a close look at both of your schedules, and look for creative ways to solve this one. It's important that he understand that you need more time with him. Both of you may be required to make some sacrifices here and there to accomodate the other. But it's totally do-able.

 

Check out <URL removed>. It'll help you both understand how IMPORTANT spending time together really is.

 

Third problem, the bland sex-life. Again, lots of solutions. If you can get the 'time' problem straightened out, you'll both be alot less exhausted for one thing. You can buy some books, buy some lingerie, and most importantly....tell him what you like when you're in bed together. MEN DO NOT HAVE THE ABILITY TO READ A WOMAN'S MIND!!!! Most however, are very happy to get on board when the project is spicing up the sex-life.

 

Anyway, I think you're going to do fine. All you have to do really is take that excess energy that you were using to fret over your ex, and pour it into your marriage.

 

And, of course, make sure that hubby understands that he's going to have to do his part too. If worse comes to worst, you may still have to tell him that he's neglecting you to the point where you're thinking about other men. Unfortunately, sometimes our partners don't hear us until it's too late. Don't let that happen to you.

 

[Owl]

Inover- I totally apologize for the misunderstanding!! That whole "not reading everything through" kind of thing. And I can understand how the weight can be a negative aspect in your relationship, so don't take me wrong there either. I think that Ladyjane is dead on the money (as usual!). You've identified some of the problems...now you just need to take action. As far as the weight goes...I really don't look at my wife and think that she's that big. She is, but its not what I see when I look at her. She doesn't understand me on this either, so don't feel bad. Check out the country song "Hot Mama". I tease her about that being her theme song all the time when she seems to think I couldn't want to be with her.

 

Now that you know what the biggest problems are, you BOTH need to work on them. You need to make your husband understand how big these problems are to YOU. He may not see them the same way you do...that doesn't negate how important they are to you. If he doesn't seem to get it, I'd suggest counseling. Sometimes, it seems that its easier to communicate things that the other partner doesn't want to hear through a third party, like the counselor.

[Inovermyhead]

Thank you for supporting me! It does help to post my feelings and receive feedback from others not involved in the situation.

 

What I need to realize is that my ex is just using me, once again. For what this time, I don't know. Maybe he's trying to mess up my life. Or, maybe he feels guilty for what he did to me and somehow wants part of me back?

 

He made so many empty promises to me during our relationship that I should know better. Everything was ok until he met the OW (I think, unless there were OW, just none he left me for).

 

When he tossed me out, 3 months pregnant, he promised me that he just needed time and space to think. Yea, ok. He needed time to call the OW and space for her to move in and replace me, which happened rather quickly. He told me not to consider "us" being over, that by the time our baby was born he would have his sh** together, and we would again be together, as a family. Never happened that way. Two months after kicking me to the curb he asked his "friend" (what he told me she was) to marry him. It was so bad.

 

He still wanted me on the side, and, being naive, I agreed to it, for awhile. See, I lived hours away from him, so, it wasn't like he could get caught, or it would be an everyday thing.

 

Then, I wised up! I guess I was tired of waiting for him to decide what he wanted, and realized once his fiancee (ex OW) was pregnant, it just wasn't going to happen for us.

 

So, maybe the feelings I think I have for my ex are a result of pain, anguish, and the need to feel needed instead of abandoned. He knows that I am weak, and any little bit of attention I get from him lures me back. It's a bad rollercoaster ride. Like the ones that make you want to puke! Sorry about the language, but, that's how I feel.

It's like he is the unhealthy sweet evil in my life. It hurts to care about him, but, I can't hate him. Gee, I know I should, after all the stuff he put me through.

 

The worst part is I gave my everything to my ex. I was such a different person before I was abandoned. I was more caring, man, I would do anything for him, and I did. I worked 2 jobs to pay for his bills he had BEFORE we got together. I gave him literally 1000's of dollars for bills he couldn't pay for (major car repairs, dentist work, you name it). When he tossed me out, I had only $200 left in the bank, and had to quit my job on the spot. He really did a number on me. And, I had to move hours away to my parents house because I was so young and had no where else to turn.

 

So, really, though I have stated some problems in my marriage that are directed towards my husband, I have issues myself. I just haven't given my all to any man since my ex did what he did to me. It's like the pain scarred me for life. I don't know if anyone will ever understand that. It's like my past with him (ex) is not just bad memories, it's like a torture device that eats away at my soul. That's not my husband's doing.

 

It's really unfair to my husband, and he deserves the me I was before the abandonment, but, I think that me is lost, maybe forever .

 

As Ladyjane said, maybe I do have issues with the exOW. She hates me, and has told me so. I never did anything to her. She said that it's what I did to my ex!? Yea, ok. What could I have done to him? I took him to court for custody and child support, and gave everything I had to make sure our baby was safe and with me. I didn't leave him willingly. And I sure as he** didn't get my girlfriend pregnant and abandon her.

 

I guess maybe I am just an emotional wreck, and very weak at this point in my life. Would I be happy if I were back with my ex? I seriously doubt it. For some reason, do I need something from him?

 

I do need to focus on my husband and the now. But, I don't think I can do that without closure to my past. I don't know how to do that, and am not sure I can. It's really awful. I have friends who have had their first child with a man, and they are still together, happy. Then I think, why did the unfaithful OW (she had a boyfriend when she started seeing my ex) get everything she wanted? Her man, a baby with him (2 now), and a life with him. I was always faithful to my ex (he knew that too, and never questioned paternity), and ended up pregnant and alone.

 

Ok, now that I have rambled on. Please believe me when I say I do VERY MUCH love my husband. I just carry so much pain that it's eating away at me. I need time with my husband, but, maybe I am just too needy.?