I cheated and I can't seem to fix it.

[jolynn44]

I don't know where else to go or who else to turn to. I have tried getting advice from others, and I can't. All I get is judged. I'm tired of being judged. So please, no judging. Advice only please...

 

I am currently living with my boyfriend of almost 5 years. Together, we have raised my 3 1/2 year old daughter from an affair, and now about to have a child of our own. I love him more than any man on earth, but I haven't been the best girlfriend. Like I said before, my first child was from an affair. This child I'm pregnant with is not, but I did have another affair when I was 5 months along (I am currently 7 months). I'm not proud of it. I'm very ashamed. I have been flooded with guilt. And I tried to forget that it happened, so I pushed it to the back of my mind and didn't tell him. How he found out sucks. He was looking through my email trying to find something from a friend of ours, and found a conversation between myself and the man I had an affair with. I didn't delete the emails, which was a big mistake. So of course, he woke me up and asked me about it. I admitted it, and nothing has been the same. We fought for two days, he doesn't say I love you anymore, there is hardly any passion, and he keeps saying that he doesn't know if he could ever trust me again. When we finally stopped fighting, I thought things went back to normal. But, apparently, while at work, he has been having thoughts of "Should I find someone better?", "Do I deserve better?", and looking at other girls, and it hurts. I found this out a few days ago. I have been really depressed since.

Now the reason for what I did.. For a good while, we have gotten into swinging with other girls. I'm guessing jealousy played a part in my reason, because only girls were allowed in the play, but guys weren't. He has a problem with other men being involved. So he got to experience the new pleasure, and I really didn't. Another reason is loneliness. He started playing video games again right after I got pregnant. He spent more time on them than with me. I would beg him to pay attention to me, and he would beg to play his games. I was so frustrated for attention, both emotional and sexual, that I looked for it elsewhere. I really wish I hadn't. And, as of two days ago, he has been thinking of inviting a girl over while I am home and possibly having me stay in another room while he has sex with her in our bed. He said that would be his way of getting revenge.

I have tried to do everything right since I cheated. I haven't talked to any strange guys or asked to meet up with them for sex (the only guys I talk to are my best friends from high school), I haven't browsed, I haven't had sex with anyone else, I have kept myself busy with other things like setting up the baby's room, I have been completely honest about everything I do and who I talk to, I don't delete my emails, I let him look through my email, phone, and facebook... I want him and only him. I want things back to the way they were before, I want to hear him say I love you again, I want the passion back, I want the trust back, I want to go one day without crying.. I am so determined to fix it, but he acts like he doesn't want to..

 

Please help me!!!!!!

[Chi townD]

I want him and only him. I want things back to the way they were before, I want to hear him say I love you again, I want the passion back, I want the trust back, I want to go one day without crying.. I am so determined to fix it, but he acts like he doesn't want to..

 

Please help me!!!!!!

 

 

Well, okay..... How can I do this gently. You had an affair and a child was a product of that affair. And through it all, your man made the choice to forgive you and stay. That should have sent you doing cartwheels because not a lot of guys would put up with that and raise another man's kid. That should have been the wake up call for you. That should have told you that you have one of the good ones and hold on to him for dear life.

 

But, you cheated on him again because he wasn't paying enough attention to you and was playing video games? Come on, you were an ass hair away from losing him the first time. Surely, that had to have gone through your mind. You needed to talk to him, to convey to him that you needed him. That the family needed him. And you'll probably come back and tell me, "I did!!! I did try to speak to him on several occasions." There are different ways you communicate with guys. He may have not taken you seriously. Guys are stupid and you need to make things point blank. "I'm not happy! This is a problem. We need to fix this or END IT!" That's a wake up call for a guy.

 

Look, you were in the driver's seat when you decided to cheat on your man. Now, here's the rub, he's in the driver's seat as far as where this relationship is going. You have no say in that. If he wants to leave; there's not much you can do about that. Your actions have consquences and sometimes, they're not what you want. I STRONGLY recommend that the two of you get to couples counseling. But, you need to find one that specializes in infidelity. I think too much damage has been done here that a relationship forum isn't going to solve for you.

 

I quoted your last paragraph of your post and I want you to see how many times you used the words I WANT. But, did you ever ask yourself what does HE NEED?

Edited January 16, 2013 by Chi townD

[jolynn44]

Yes I have asked what he needs. He never tells me. He's not one to tell me what is going through his head. And I have actually told him that I am tired of being ignored and tired of him putting the games before me, but nothing worked. The games still came before me and the kids. I have suggested couples counseling, but he refuses because he says it's a waste of time and money. I know I screwed up. I get it. I say that to myself every single damn day. He and I have had trust issues with each other over the years. After my daughter was born and we moved in with him, he was on 7 dating sites, saying he was just looking to see what was out there... I forced him to remove each one. He asked me if I can be the girl he deserves, and I said yes I can. But he is acting like he doesn't want to give me a chance to prove.

[mammasita]

WOW - that wasn't a red flag that he was on SEVEN dating sites AFTER you had already moved in?

[jolynn44]

I found out he was already on them when I moved in. But I didn't catch him (he kept deleting the history) until several months later. I kept checking on him constantly.

[Chi townD]

Yes I have asked what he needs. He never tells me. He's not one to tell me what is going through his head. And I have actually told him that I am tired of being ignored and tired of him putting the games before me, but nothing worked. The games still came before me and the kids. I have suggested couples counseling, but he refuses because he says it's a waste of time and money. I know I screwed up. I get it. I say that to myself every single damn day. He and I have had trust issues with each other over the years. After my daughter was born and we moved in with him, he was on 7 dating sites, saying he was just looking to see what was out there... I forced him to remove each one. He asked me if I can be the girl he deserves, and I said yes I can. But he is acting like he doesn't want to give me a chance to prove.

 

 

Okay, if he doesn't want to go to counseling, then YOU go. Maybe you can figure stuff out about yourself and why you did what you did. Again, it comes down to communicating with a guy. If your trying to talk to a guy and it comes out like it sounds like you're nagging him to death; well, of course he's not going to listen or take you seriously.

 

I'm hearing a lot of words. And I speculate that he does to. Actions speak louder than words. Go to counseling, he's going to see that. Buy a couple of books on the subject and start to read them, Like "Surviving the Affair". he's going to see that too. And you won't have to point it out to him, he'll see it. Leaving little notes around the house, little love notes reminding him how much he means to you. He'll find them. Cooking him his favorite meals.The little things do add up after a while. And when he's lashing out and threatening to bring a girl home and screw her in the next room; well, that's just him venting. He's angry and he's hurt and he wants you to feel just a little pain of what he's going through. So, I'm not surprised by his behavior.

 

Remember, stop with the words. Nows, the time for action.

[jolynn44]

I am going to counseling. I have been since I got pregnant. I go at least once a week. I do every little thing I can think of for him. I make sure he has clean uniforms (if I wasn't so clumsy, I would iron them too), I make sure the house is clean for him, that the dishes are done, his favorite meals I definitely cook plus more, I bring him lunch almost every day at work (except when I'm sick or have an appointment)..

[Bryanp]

Have you got yourself and your husband tested for STD's?

[jolynn44]

Have you got yourself and your husband tested for STD's?

 

Yes, we are both clean. Now, in Texas, I am required to be tested every 6 weeks during my pregnancy. Plus, whenever we swing, we always use a condom.

[lukas]

So basically what you have is a completely dysfunctional relationship that you hope might some day improve. The odds for this are quite slim since from what I can see here (your overt cheating and his use of dating sites) neither one of you has any good reason to trust one another. However, as you are expecting a child together in the near future, you must think of its best interests. Can you put your differences aside and control yourselves for the well being of another human being?

 

For your sake and the sake of the child I should hope so.

 

Best of luck!

[jolynn44]

I am more than willing to control myself, and have. Him, I hope he can. I committed to doing anything I can to repair this relationship... I don't know about him.

[nofool4u]

Swingers forfeit all rights to complain about cheating IMO.

 

He got to get his rocks off with different women, but you didn't? Sorry, as far as I'm concerned, you didn't cheat. And if he says you did, then so did he, multiple times over.

 

Either you allow your sig. other to F other people, and they by fairness let you do the same, or you do not.

 

You were swingers. No cheating involved. It would be moronic of him to complain about it when he got to stick his wick in other women, while you didn't get to do what you wanted.

[aed]

I find this story a little to short to say anything about your current situation.

 

What I read from your OP:

 

1) You had an affaire with an OM, and got pregnant? How did you bf/hb find out about it?

 

2) Then you try to work things out.

 

3) Your guy is on internet pages, to contact other women, and you move in with him. Why did you move in together?

 

3) Then you two go in to a swinging lifestyle (with only females), probably from your perspective to please your guy, and make things right? Or was it something you where into even before this hole mess started. he doesnt want a male tot the group. This is his right.

 

3) Then you got pregnant again. Your guy disstant himself from you (my guess, because he doubts its his!!!, and is reliving the pain of the previous one).

 

4) Then You cheat on him again.

 

 

Was it like this?

 

My guess is your guy didn't recover from your first affaire, is still hurt about it. Does some stupid things (Keeping you along, and look for other women at the same time). Then you cheat on him again, while being pregnant. I am sorry but the hole swinger thing, sound to my as an excusse for your cheating.

[jolynn44]

We split for several months back in 2011,and got back together. During the split, I got into swinging. I had always been curious about having another girl in the room. My first affair, how he found out by me telling him. At that time, we just started out, so he chose to forgive me. I moved in with him because we wanted to be together and raise my daughter. He loves her very much. When I got pregnant this time, he knew it was his. He didn't start distancing himself until his coworkers got him to start playing call of duty. So he got addicted and I was lonely. Even a coworker of his told him this is probably because of the threesomes.

[darkmoon]

"he has been thinking of inviting a girl over while I am home and possibly having me stay in another room"

 

can anybody tell me where they would find a girl to carry out this?

seriously, why would any girl actively want to?

Edited January 17, 2013 by darkmoon

[jolynn44]

"he has been thinking of inviting a girl over while I am home and possibly having me stay in another room"

 

can anybody tell me where they would find a girl to carry out this?

seriously, why would any girl actively want to?

 

There are women in my town that will do this.

[aed]

We split for several months back in 2011,and got back together. During the split, I got into swinging. I had always been curious about having another girl in the room. My first affair, how he found out by me telling him. At that time, we just started out, so he chose to forgive me. I moved in with him because we wanted to be together and raise my daughter. He loves her very much. When I got pregnant this time, he knew it was his. He didn't start distancing himself until his coworkers got him to start playing call of duty. So he got addicted and I was lonely. Even a coworker of his told him this is probably because of the threesomes.

 

Was he having threesomes with or without you?

 

If it was without you, why would you engange in such engagement? Then why didn't you make a deal about it: If you want other people excluding me, then I also can have other people. An open relationship

 

But I still asume that you where exclusssive with an + one sometimes.

 

your feelings of being loneley is no reason or 'a go a head' for cheating.

 

Read some things on the infedelity what you need to do to get over an affaire. You (the WS) needs to take full responsibility for your choice of lying and cheating on your guy. Then you need to show remorse for what you did to your relationship. I strongly advise you to put this thread in the infidelity forum.

[jolynn44]

Dammit, i have shown remorse! Which is why im trying to fix it! No, he wasn't having threesomes without me. You know, I'm regretting putting this on this site. I had asked for advice, not judging. I am already getting enough of that. I have asked for someone's advice on what else I can do to fix my relationship. If no one is going to gjve me advice, then get off my post.

[aed]

Dammit, i have shown remorse! Which is why im trying to fix it! No, he wasn't having threesomes without me. You know, I'm regretting putting this on this site. I had asked for advice, not judging. I am already getting enough of that. I have asked for someone's advice on what else I can do to fix my relationship. If no one is going to gjve me advice, then get off my post.

 

I don't judge you for you swingin lifestyle. The reason I asked is:

 

No I know for sure you participated in it and was okay with it! So if your guy didnt want an extra guy (that is his right and boundary)

 

Also have shown remorse is different then being truely remorsefull. You have to take full responsibility for your cheating. According your posts here you don't:

 

1) "So he got addicted and I was lonely"

 

2) "Even a coworker of his told him this is probably because of the threesomes"

 

That is way I strongly advise you to go the infidility board and read some threads.

[GSB81]

Wow. At first I was like "this chick needs hogtied out in the middle of the desert and left for the buzzards." But then I got to the part about you guys swinging but only with other girls and was like "oh... Well her boyfriend needs to stfu and not be a hypocrite." He doesn't have a leg to stand on in this. You two have decided to live by a different set of relationship rules, therefore you can't expect all the rights and privileges of a normal relationship. Neither of you can expect fidelity or trust at this point. He has no right whatsoever to expect anything other than what has happened. He probably will feel better once he's banged some random girl. Go ahead and let him. What could it hurt?

[Michael Johnson]

She cheated and got pregnant from other man... I think all the one sided swinging has been a pay off for that... I don't think your hubby is over the first affair and then you go and cheat again... I think you two are beyond repair...

 

When two people choose that lifestyle () there really isn't any cheating involved.

[Chi townD]

Dammit, i have shown remorse! Which is why im trying to fix it! No, he wasn't having threesomes without me. You know, I'm regretting putting this on this site. I had asked for advice, not judging. I am already getting enough of that. I have asked for someone's advice on what else I can do to fix my relationship. If no one is going to gjve me advice, then get off my post.

 

 

Here's the deal. Sometimes when you screw up, you have to take the hit. The smack with the 2x4 to the head. You're coming on a site (and most ANY forum that deals with relationships) where most of us have been destroyed by the SAME actions that you've done to your man. Your story could trigger a lot of memories to folks and your story reminds them of the pain that they endured. So, no matter where you go, you're going to run into people that your story will strike a nerve. What you need to do is ignore the posts that people are venting at you and take the post that are being helpful towards you.

 

I post here a lot for a good reason. There are a lot of people here that WILL help you and that's why I like this site. If people can see that your truely remorseful; people will be like "DAMN RIGHT YOUR SCREWED UP!...........now, here's how you fix it."

 

So, hang in there and don't take all the posts as a seriously personal attack on you. Remember, your story is stir some painful memories with some folks. People will be willing to help.

Edited January 17, 2013 by Chi townD

[Michael Johnson]

I don't agree... I am no were close to chose this kind of life but people who choose to live their sexuality this way put their own boundaries, and if one of them do not respect them then cheating is the right word to use for that!

 

They're both swingers. How is that cheating necessarily?

[nofool4u]

They're both swingers. How is that cheating necessarily?

 

Because apparently they have some stupid rules. Such as one I heard that the other person has to approve who they have sex with.

 

But in this case, he wanted to have other women involved in their swinging, but wouldn't let her bring in other men. So if he, in the swinging lifestyle, is allowed to bring in whatever women he wants, but denies her the same, then she should be allowed to be with another man and he has nothing to say about it.

 

Honestly, the guy is a pig with a big double standard. He has no right to complain about what she did. He is worse.

[stillafool]

Aren't swingers only suppose to have sex with others while their partner is present?

 

IDK but OP I don't think there is anything you can do to get your relationship on track. There's just too much water under the bridge at this point. He will never trust you because he gave you a second chance and then you had another affair while pregnant. He's probably thinking if she has an affair while pregnant there is probably no end to her cheating if she feels the slightest bit ignored. I think you should think about ending this and starting over (after you have had some time by yourself) with someone new.