Always wanted "that girl" in the bedroom; have her now and feel weird sometimes

[SerCay]

Dear Babolat,

 

I have been in the position of your girlfriend.

As a very sexual and high libido person, I cannot get enough of it and of my boyfriend. Over time it made my boyfriend very insecure and it made him think that if he wouldnt have sex with me whenever I want it, I would go find it elsewhere. It lead to the point where he got so insecure about it he couldn't really keep his head to it when we were having sex.

 

On the one hand he is so happy I'm so ''porno'' in his words, on the other hand it has made him think like I mentioned above...

 

THe thing is though, I'm crazy about sex WITH HIM. My libido is high FOR HIM. When I get horny, it's HIM I want, because he's the one I love..

 

I told him this when he finally had the guts to open up to me about the thoughts he was having similar to yours, it was driving him nuts.

 

So talk to your girlfriend about it, tell he exactly how you feel..I'm sure she's feeling the same way I do and her sexuality with men is totally linked to you as she loves you.

 

Good luck..I hope it helps

[Babolat]

Dear Babolat,

 

I have been in the position of your girlfriend.

As a very sexual and high libido person, I cannot get enough of it and of my boyfriend. Over time it made my boyfriend very insecure and it made him think that if he wouldnt have sex with me whenever I want it, I would go find it elsewhere. It lead to the point where he got so insecure about it he couldn't really keep his head to it when we were having sex.

 

On the one hand he is so happy I'm so ''porno'' in his words, on the other hand it has made him think like I mentioned above...

 

THe thing is though, I'm crazy about sex WITH HIM. My libido is high FOR HIM. When I get horny, it's HIM I want, because he's the one I love..

 

I told him this when he finally had the guts to open up to me about the thoughts he was having similar to yours, it was driving him nuts.

 

So talk to your girlfriend about it, tell he exactly how you feel..I'm sure she's feeling the same way I do and her sexuality with men is totally linked to you as she loves you.

 

Good luck..I hope it helps

 

Thanks, this helps. I do not feel she will go looking elsewhere for sex. She has a lot of male friends, 2-3 she calls "best" friends. My guess is they have thought about sex with her, though I feel comfortable with how she has explained the relationships, and I have met one of them thus far.

 

She has shared sex dreams with me, which I never knew woman had. In most of the dreams she is watching people have sex, not having sex.

[Babolat]

Hi Emilia, thank you for the links.

 

Emotions are in play now as we both have strong feelings for each other. I have shared my concerns with binge drinking with her in the past. Her response has always been "I have made a lot of changes over the past 10 years and I continue to make changes, but for me, not for anyone else". She has acknowledged she knows she drinks too much at times, so no denial there.

 

I am just not sure she has the resources around her, and the support team, to do it on her own. Her friends call her, "lets go out", she goes out. Her family invites her to weekends at the vacation homes, they all drink heavy, she drinks with them. It's very much a social thing.

 

She has told me 2-3 times one of her attractions to me is that I don't drink, that she is done with that kind of relationship, and that she wants to be more like me when it comes to drinking. On NYEs she even said "I need to pace myself tonight" and she did, versus her usual fast drinking.

 

I am not blind, I guess I am just hopefull and I am keeping my eyes open to see what happens.

 

I read up on binge drinking in this link. In 9+ weeks there have been 2 times where she got intoxicated, enough where one time I had to drive her home and a 2nd time she stayed with a friend.

 

There have been 2 other times in 9+ weeks I can think of where she got a good buzz, and so did I, while we were out. I was OK to drive though.

 

Prior to the past 9 weeks it was more, probably every other weekend drinking a lot, sometimes to a good buzz, some times to intoxication, over about a 5 month period.

 

I was with her during that 5 month period and of course over the past 9 weeks. I "think" she is making changes to slow down and I want to ask her, as I do not want to be around if it goes back to the way it was during the 5 month period.

 

I know if I ask it's like reminding her it's on my mind, nagging at her if you will as this is something she has said she will do for herself, not for anyone else. And, if in her mind she is making changes and then I come around and say "Are you making changes" that could be a mistake. Make sense?

 

I made the mistake in the past of emailing her links to what alcoholism is, what binge drinking is, I did this 2-3 times a week as a way to "help" her. She said it got to be overwheleming, that our relationship was focused on her drinking, and looking back, I see where it was.

[Charlie Harper]

When I was 26 I had a GF who was working as a model, she was stunningly beautiful, she was lonele because she was not approached by men at all.

We dated and ended up together, she was incredible in bed and could not have enough of it, and also she used to give BJ everywhere!!! Sounds perfect right?

I could keep up with her and she was so happy, but in 4 months she grew very jealous of me and trying to control me and checking me all the time.... in the end I grew tired of her insecurity and we broke off. I missed her confidence, her beauty and of course that she liked to play SLAVE all the time.... but insecurity kills any relationship.

 

If you are having second thoughts about your relationship, or you cant speak of issues with her...forget it, spare the emotional drama and bail out. If you can speak about this you are feeling with her and have her side of the story, great.... good relationships are based on communication and understanding.

Edited January 17, 2013 by Charlie Harper
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[Babolat]

When I was 26 I had a GF who was working as a model, she was stunningly beautiful, she was lonele because she was not approached by men at all.

We dated and ended up together, she was incredible in bed and could not have enough of it, and also she used to give BJ everywhere!!! Sounds perfect right?

I could keep up with her and she was so happy, but in 4 months she grew very jealous of me and trying to control me and checking me all the time.... in the end I grew tired of her insecurity and we broke off. I missed her confidence, her beauty and of course that she liked to play SLAVE all the time.... but insecurity kills any relationship.

 

If you are having second thoughts about your relationship, or you cant speak of issues with her...forget it, spare the emotional drama and bail out. If you can speak about this you are feeling with her and have her side of the story, great.... good relationships are based on communication and understanding.

 

Thanks Harper. She has never expressed jealousy in me, she does not check on me all the time and has never tried to control me. In fact, recently an ex of mine texted me about getting together for dinner, stating just as friends. I shared this with my girlfriend and she said she trusted me, if I wanted to mantian a friendship with my ex, do it. She never said another word about it.

 

Now, I do think it's easy for her to say that as she is good friends with one of her exes, who I have met a few times with his girlfriend. It was not until recently that she told me they use to date and she told me as a result of asking her a question about something else. She said she was being told by her girfeiends she should not tell me as some guys cannot handle that. She was also asking herself if I needed to know.

 

Regarding communication, I agree 100%. The challenge I am having is how to talk to her about it as we have talked about this in the past, that we have different drinking behaviours, I have expressed my concerns with what I perceive as binge drinking and that this is a big lifestyle difference between us. She agrees and says she is constantly changing and will continue to but she is not going to stop drinking for me. She will make changes for herself, and she wants to. I do not think it's my place to diagnose her (you are an alcoholic, an addict, a binge drinker, etc) and I have to be careful how I have this talk.

 

At this point I think I have become somewhat obsessed with this, so much so that if she has one glass of wine, internally I freak out. So much so that as the weekend draws closer i wonder if she will want to go out to a bar and drink. She loves bars, loves to listen to bands, hang out with her friends. I do to, just not as often as she does.

[Charlie Harper]

As long as you ask for what you think its acceptable to you and not make crazy demands and she complies or get into a middle of the road solution, GREAT it means she really likes you to and she is willing to accommodate your demands, be aware that she may have demands TOO!!

 

A LOT of relationships go the way of the Dodo because we as men sometimes try to play it safe and I understand that if you dont drink (my case also), you find it weird hanging around drunk or semidrunk people... but set a nice limit and try to be funny because playing it safe often becomes very BORING speccially if women like to party, so be prepared to listen to her demands on that part. Don't just complain, offer something in exchange YOU CANT TAKE SOMETHING AWAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT OFFERING SOMETHING TO FILL THE VOID.

[Babolat]

As long as you ask for what you think its acceptable to you and not make crazy demands and she complies or get into a middle of the road solution, GREAT it means she really likes you to and she is willing to accommodate your demands, be aware that she may have demands TOO!!

 

A LOT of relationships go the way of the Dodo because we as men sometimes try to play it safe and I understand that if you dont drink (my case also), you find it weird hanging around drunk or semidrunk people... but set a nice limit and try to be funny because playing it safe often becomes very BORING speccially if women like to party, so be prepared to listen to her demands on that part. Don't just complain, offer something in exchange YOU CANT TAKE SOMETHING AWAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT OFFERING SOMETHING TO FILL THE VOID.

 

Agreed, and well said.

 

My compromise to date, which I have shared with her, is to go with her more often when she invites me to a bar, which she always invites me. It's really not my secene, but I go. The p roblem is I act like a littl child when I am there...which is my issue.

 

I am not sure what I want her compromise to be...need to think on that. Earlier in the week I suggested we do something different, like go to a movie or go bowling, and she got excited.

[KungFuJoe]

Op,

 

You have self confidence issues. It's plain as daylight. You think you're not as good as the guys she's been with before and you're not good enough for her.

 

You just gotta start believing in yourself and telling yourself that you ARE worth it...that you ARE the best thing that's happened in her life, etc, etc.

 

I'm sure your past relationship has damaged you in a way. You probably suffer from symptoms of PTSD, if I had to guess.

 

Don't let this ruin what seems like a good relationship you have. Honestly, if it really starts to eat at you, I would suggest getting therapy.

[KungFuJoe]

Another thing...start going out with her! It may not be your thing, but do it because you like being with her and she likes being with you.

 

And have a drink or three...it's not going to kill you!

[danny in van]

not unusual to feel that way... If a girl is sooo sexual and good at it of course you think she's had lotsa partners and worry that she'll want more. It's just logical.

But the alternative is a plain looking prude, so that's no fun. The only remedy I can think: continue to observe her/ get to know her more...and this is pivotal : if you think you're a catch then good- that confidence will keep her loyal. If you doubt yourself and her loyalty, then that too will be self fulfilling ie your lack of confidence will be the grounds to make her cheat.

 

So it's kinda up to you.

[Babolat]

not unusual to feel that way... If a girl is sooo sexual and good at it of course you think she's had lotsa partners and worry that she'll want more. It's just logical.

But the alternative is a plain looking prude, so that's no fun. The only remedy I can think: continue to observe her/ get to know her more...and this is pivotal : if you think you're a catch then good- that confidence will keep her loyal. If you doubt yourself and her loyalty, then that too will be self fulfilling ie your lack of confidence will be the grounds to make her cheat.

 

So it's kinda up to you.

 

I never think about her past partners and if I am good enough; it's not a confidence thing. Trust me, the sex is incredible and we both take care of each other. I am also confident we are both sexaully taking care of each other.

 

In fact she has shared enough with me to make me believe like me, she thought she was having good sex in the past, yet know it's incredible with us.

[Babolat]

As long as you ask for what you think its acceptable to you and not make crazy demands and she complies or get into a middle of the road solution, GREAT it means she really likes you to and she is willing to accommodate your demands, be aware that she may have demands TOO!!

 

A LOT of relationships go the way of the Dodo because we as men sometimes try to play it safe and I understand that if you dont drink (my case also), you find it weird hanging around drunk or semidrunk people... but set a nice limit and try to be funny because playing it safe often becomes very BORING speccially if women like to party, so be prepared to listen to her demands on that part. Don't just complain, offer something in exchange YOU CANT TAKE SOMETHING AWAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT OFFERING SOMETHING TO FILL THE VOID.

 

We talked briefly about this last night. She has no demands, other than to have fun. She said she does not care if I drink or not when I am out with her. I explained to her it's uncomfrotable being around people who are drinking when I am not, and she understands. She also made it clear she does not want to go out every weekend; but she does like to go out and have fun with her friends, at a bar, drinking. Not to excess every time either.

[Babolat]

As long as you ask for what you think its acceptable to you and not make crazy demands and she complies or get into a middle of the road solution, GREAT it means she really likes you to and she is willing to accommodate your demands, be aware that she may have demands TOO!!

 

A LOT of relationships go the way of the Dodo because we as men sometimes try to play it safe and I understand that if you dont drink (my case also), you find it weird hanging around drunk or semidrunk people... but set a nice limit and try to be funny because playing it safe often becomes very BORING speccially if women like to party, so be prepared to listen to her demands on that part. Don't just complain, offer something in exchange YOU CANT TAKE SOMETHING AWAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WITHOUT OFFERING SOMETHING TO FILL THE VOID.

 

Hi Harper, when you say play it safe and set a nice limit, are you referring to drinking with her when we go out?

 

We had a tough night. I could tell she was different, acting a little distant. I got her to talk. She is still upset over the way I acted last Saturday night when we were out; She is hurt and my comments then caused her to feel ashamed, which I understand. I was pretty harsh and mean in how I talked to her. She did tell me she is making a lot of compromises NOT going out so she can spend time with me, and that is her choice and what she wants to do.