Discipline Being Undermined by my Mother

[venusianx13]

I was delving out discipline to my son earlier today, because I'd asked him to do something several times, and he still hadn't done it. My mother overheard and very critically stated for both myself and my son to hear: "Ha, and I've asked YOU to do things all the time that you don't do, too!!" It wasn't meant jokingly, either, it was quite malicious.

 

Is it just me, or was this crossing the line? I struggle to discipline my son. This was a particularly trying day. He was poorly behaved from the time I picked him up after school until the time he went to bed. I am doing my best I can for my son, but it is quite destructive to be undermined like this by my mother. This is just one instance; it happens quite often.

 

I am beginning to view her as a very toxic individual. I have not been able to have a conversation with her nor confide in her about anything for a while now, because not only is she highly negative and critical, she deems it necessary (or fun?) to share things I've told her with others. (I shared this in another thread)

 

My worst nightmare is that I will end up like her (with her attitude). Or that my son will pick up on her dysfunction and think it's okay to treat people in such a way. I'm at such a loss...

Edited January 17, 2013 by venusianx13

[CC12]

Is it just me, or was this crossing the line?

 

Yes, it crossed the line. I mean, it seems like the kind of stupid thing that someone might say without really thinking of the impact it could have. But if your mother has a history of making statements like that and generally being hurtful, then yeah, it's not okay.

 

Have you ever spoken to her about it? Asked her not to undermine you? If not, do you think it would do any good? Some people just can't be reasoned with, and if your mother is one of those people, then you might want to start thinking about cutting her out of your life, or at least lessening contact with her and keeping your kid(s) mostly away from her. If you're dependent on her for certain things, start moving away from that. If you want to start establishing boundaries with her, you don't really have complete power to do that until you're not taking any favors from her, you know?

 

Make sure you're always in a position where you can tell her to **** off at any moment and it won't cause a minor emergency in your life, like suddenly not having childcare for your son the next day. This might have the added benefit of your mother treating you better because she knows you don't "need" her anymore. Maybe. One can hope.

[venusianx13]

I've minimized contact with my mother, but unfortunately, I still rely on her for childcare twice a week after school. She works only a mile from my son's school. I feel that perhaps she's just too old for this anymore (she's 63). But to be honest, her personality changed for the worse after she went through "the change" and has pretty much been all over the place ever since. It's sad for me, because growing up, my mother was very loving. She had some tragedies in her life (her father was killed when she was very young, she lost a younger sibling, and her first husband commited suicide.) Perhaps these things have just taken such an emotional toll on her, she's become bitter, even though these things happened so long ago? It's a lot of tragedy for one to bear, and I truly feel for her. I think she should talk to a therapist, but she's stubborn and has a tendency to blame all of her problems on everyone else.

 

When all of this occurred yesterday, I, unfortunately, did not remain very calm. I'm highly trained in controlling my emotions, but lately, I've been quick to lose my patience due to stress. At any rate, I threw fuel on the fire by calling my mom out on what she had done quite angrily, and this only caused further conflict. It was completely unconstructive. I need to really plan what I will do next time, because I DO anticipate these things happening often, unfortunately. It's up to me to handle it appropriately.

 

The situation, overall, will be changing within the next 6 months. My mother thinks my son should remain in the school system he's in, because it's such a good one, but when I weigh out the pros and cons, I think it's best to start fresh and not rely on her for help. If he stayed in that school district, I'd be relying upon her much more heavily for help, and I don't wish to do that anymore.

[turnera]

Educate yourself about boundaries and learn how to ENFORCE those boundaries. Then write her a letter and tell her how much she hurts you, and let her know that you will have to start enforcing those boundaries if she won't respect your wishes. I know it's scary(!), but this is YOUR family now; you have to protect it.

[standtall]

Is it just me, or was this crossing the line?

 

 

She is 100% crossing the line, and you need to tell her that...in the way that she will respond to....forget your emotion/feelings about what she has done.

 

1. Take a step back and remove whatever emotion that you have about what she is doing. Kinda like the posters here do when they give advice.

2. Aks yourself "what is my objective?" In this case it sounds as if you want her to stop undermining your discipline and authority.

3. Ask yourself "what is the best way to accomplish this objective?"

4. Impliment your solution.

 

For example if she is a hostile, defensive person, then a full blown angry apporach will most likely get her to do the exact opposite of what you want her to do. In her case,. I would camly lay down the law with her in a very controlled manner...very much like a child..tell her what exact behavior that you find unacceptable, and that if she continues, then you will have no choice but to limit her access to your child. Do not debate with her, do not argue, and then change the subject. You are in control. If she continues the behavior, then follow through with the consequences of limiting her access....9 times out of 10 this will work.

 

If she is a passive person, then I just yell at them and then leg hump them...figuratively..it usually does the trick. I would not recommedn this approach...it makes one an a**hole. I have a feeling that by the way your post sounds, that she is not a passive person anyway.

Edited January 26, 2013 by standtall

[Radu]

I was delving out discipline to my son earlier today, because I'd asked him to do something several times, and he still hadn't done it. My mother overheard and very critically stated for both myself and my son to hear: "Ha, and I've asked YOU to do things all the time that you don't do, too!!" It wasn't meant jokingly, either, it was quite malicious.

 

Is it just me, or was this crossing the line? I struggle to discipline my son. This was a particularly trying day. He was poorly behaved from the time I picked him up after school until the time he went to bed. I am doing my best I can for my son, but it is quite destructive to be undermined like this by my mother. This is just one instance; it happens quite often.

 

I am beginning to view her as a very toxic individual. I have not been able to have a conversation with her nor confide in her about anything for a while now, because not only is she highly negative and critical, she deems it necessary (or fun?) to share things I've told her with others. (I shared this in another thread)

 

My worst nightmare is that I will end up like her (with her attitude). Or that my son will pick up on her dysfunction and think it's okay to treat people in such a way. I'm at such a loss...

 

I think i actually told you in that other thread that she was a toxic individual for you, and that you should put her in her place.

But now it is about your son, she is being toxic in the development of a child.

 

I'd say to cut her off.

[venusianx13]

You did, Radu... I've actually minimized contact with her quite a bit, and things seem to be better for it.

[KathyM]

You should put her in her place every time she says something to undermine you to your son. You could say something like "Mother, those comments are not helping the situation. Please stop, and let me deal with my son." Every time she is out of line, you have to be ready to enforce that boundary with words to tell her to stop. Don't blow up or get into an argument. Just assertively tell her when she crosses the line that she needs to stop. Unfortunately, since you rely on her to babysit, you are going to have to deal with some of this, but just assertively respond every time she crosses the line, and hopefully she'll come to realize you are not going to put up with it.

[Ladybugz]

you need to have a conversation with her when your son is not around.

and set boundaries for her to.

since she dont know how to behave.

 

cause she is letting your son think that you are a joke.

its wrong.

[Jabba]

I was delving out discipline to my son earlier today, because I'd asked him to do something several times, and he still hadn't done it. My mother overheard and very critically stated for both myself and my son to hear: "Ha, and I've asked YOU to do things all the time that you don't do, too!!" It wasn't meant jokingly, either, it was quite malicious.

 

Is it just me, or was this crossing the line? I struggle to discipline my son. This was a particularly trying day. He was poorly behaved from the time I picked him up after school until the time he went to bed. I am doing my best I can for my son, but it is quite destructive to be undermined like this by my mother. This is just one instance; it happens quite often.

 

I am beginning to view her as a very toxic individual. I have not been able to have a conversation with her nor confide in her about anything for a while now, because not only is she highly negative and critical, she deems it necessary (or fun?) to share things I've told her with others. (I shared this in another thread)

 

My worst nightmare is that I will end up like her (with her attitude). Or that my son will pick up on her dysfunction and think it's okay to treat people in such a way. I'm at such a loss...

 

Be a good role model by showing obedience to your mother and do what she asks you to.

 

Your son will see this and emulate the behavior of obedience to his parent.

 

The contrary is also true. If you quarrel with your mother your son will emulate the disobedient behavior.