Ex-Fiance e-mailed me but not sure what to do

[trouble]

 

Hello everyone.

 

It has been almost five weeks since my fiance and I broke up. As some of you will remember from earlier posts- we had a fight (the first major one) I told him that if he really felt that way I didn't want to marry him, gave the ring back, and left to drive home (I had to leave at that time anyway). I later came to my senses and drove back the 2 hours and apologized. Anyway- he ended deciding to end the engagement because I had always promised him that I would never leave him. He said it was too hard to go through that again.

 

So we had put the house on the market and he was going to move to my home town where I just started a new job. My furniture and things were still in his house because I was waiting to move into our new house. He moved all of my things into one room downstairs so it would be easier for me to move them out after he decided to end the engagement. Then the realtor called and stated that she needed to come over the next day to take pictures for the virtual tour. He ended up moving my things into storage.

 

He e-mailed me explaining that he was going to do it and that he would mail me the key and instructions on the code etc. Then the next day when he moved the stuff he e-mailed me explaining that he had moved everything and what size truck I will probably need. He ended it with I hope you are doing ok. Two days later I received the package in the mail with the key etc. It was weird that he e-mailed me the second time basically telling me what he already had said the day before. Ok so I didn't respond and it has been 2 weeks since that e-mail. Today I get another e-mail reminding me (again) that the storage building was rented for 1 month and I have 10 days to get my things out or renew the rental. He ended it with I don't want you to loose all of your things.

 

Now sorry for the length and I maybe reading into all of this but isn't it odd that he is e-mailing me to tell me the same thing? Is it possible that he is expecting a response. I didn't respond and haven't contacted him in almost 3 weeks. I was the one that wanted it to work and almost begged him and told him I would be here if he changed his mind. Then I wised up and decided that I shouldn't continue to talk to him or e-mail him.

 

Grant it, I know that he didn't say anything that could be interpreted as an open-ended question that warrants a response- however, I just find it odd that he even is concerned with the fact that my things will have to be moved in 10 days.

 

I know I am rambling but there are so many people on this site that offer good insight into situations. I guess I am wondering what you think about this sudden e-mail and if I am doing the right thing by not contacting or responding to him.

[Pocky]

If I were you I'd just send him a message saying, "Okay. Thanks for reminding me. I'll be sure to take care of it so I won't lose my things. Take care"

 

If he responds you know he's got ulterior motives in mind by emailing you. If he doesn't then he really was just trying to be somewhat considerate and remind you not to forget about your stuff.

[trouble]

Pocky

Thanks. I am not sure if that is a good idea or not. I mean- I think he expects me to respond so maybe not responding is better. Anyone else have an opinion?

[Pocky]

Well looking from the outside he was considerate enough to remind you about your things so you wouldn't lose them. In my opinion it's a little bitchy to just completely ignore him and if I were him and you completely ignored me I'd think you were being a bit rude and it'd probably help seal off any remaining feelings I had for you.

 

Depends on what your desired outcome is.

[trouble]

Pocky

Thanks for being blunt. I by no means am trying to be bitchy. I know that he was considerate to remind me. I guess my problem is this: I didn't want the engagement to end. I wanted us to try to resolve the problem. He said he just couldn't take a chance of me hurting him by walking out during another argument again. We talked in person for 5 hours 4 weeks ago- we then had sex and I thought that maybe it would be ok. In the morning he had stayed true to his decision and it was over. A week later my things were moved into storage. He told me that if he changed his mind he would let me know.

 

I also told him that he seemed to be purging me from his life. He said that was the only way he knew to do it. He deleted my e-mail account, our guest list for the wedding, our wedding web page. Also I am not exaggerating when I say that we had never had a major fight prior to this one. We argued but nothing this major. I was so upset and frustrated and I had to leave to drive 2 hours home to get to ameeting so I just left. I came back but it was too late.

 

I love him very much and want him back but the last time we talked he said that he wanted me to forget about him and focus on me. Then he heard that I was talking to one of our mutual friends. I wasn't saying anything bad about him I was just explaining that I hurt him and that he didn't want to try anymore. He was telling everyone that I called off the wedding. Anyway he asked the mutual friend if she had heard from me and she told him the truth (which I am glad she did I hate dishonesty) He then sent me an e-mail telling me not to contact anymore friends or family. He had made up his mind.

 

So then I get the e-mails regarding my things Friday and then Saturday two weeks ago. I haven't heard a peep until yesterday.

 

I just feel like he expects me to e-mail him (in a weak kind of she isn't getting on with her life like I want her to) I don't want to e-mail him and sound as if I want him to contact me. I have been trying to focus on me and my career and also finding ways to deal with stress so I don't end up in a situation like I was in when we were fighting.

 

I take full responsibility for getting angry, walking out but I have made a lot of effort toward figuring out why I responded that way. He has to also take responsibility for caving at the first sign of trouble. Couples fight and say things they don't mean. It is a risk but the reward is so wonderful.

 

Sorry I am rambling. I just want you to have a more fuller picture and then I will listen to your advice.

Thanks for your time

[guest]

Sorry to be brutal, but there is nothing you have said that gives the slightest indication that your ex wants to get back together with you. Reminding you to pick up your things from storage is just considerate and certainly can't be interpreted as 'I still love you let's make up'

 

You can take comfort in the fact that he probably had serious doubts before the bust up argument as, in my opinion, although the 'giving the ring back and storming out' is a no-no in most relationships no matter how mad you are, if he truly loved you and wanted you to be his wife, he would have sat you down explained that threatening to jump ship when things got rough and is destabilizing for any relationship and shouldn't be repeated and then you guys would have made up.

 

The fact that you did (post breakup) kiss but didn't make up only underlines the fact that he is absolutely determined not to get together with you again.

 

Keep what's left of your pride, go get your stuff, 'send a thank you for reminding me email' and let it go. Dragging it out and reading 'go pick up your stuff' as a sign to contact him and try and make up will only prolong the agony.

[Pocky]

Personally, by not responding, if I were him, you'd be telling me that you are having issues with not being with me and that you still had feelings for me. I would view it as an angry - get even with you type of behavior. So if you want him to believe that you have moved on then the best way for you to handle it is to be very nonchalant with your response (like the one I previously posted). This will give the impression that you don't have any bad feelings (or any feelings more than casual friendship) and that you have moved on with your life. If that is the impression you want to give.

 

If you do want to see if there is anything still possible - send him an email thanking him for reminding you about your stuff and ask him how he's doing.

[trouble]

Thanks guys

I wasn't really reading into the e-mail that he wanted to get back together. I was just curious as to why he decided to e-mail me three times about the issue. I am sure that we are not going to get back together. I am just sad that it didn't work out. I appreciate the honesty and that you responded to my post. I know that sometimes we have to hear things that we don' t want to.

 

I guess I didn't really explain my position very well because I have no illusions that he wants to get back together. I guess I just found it odd that he contacted me anyway. I am sure you are right and I will take your advice. Our wedding was scheduled in three months and it is a hard thing to get over but I know that many people have been through it and worse and have made it. I will too.

 

Thanks again