confused about feelings

[chubachoop]

Ive been friends with a guy for five years. We used to live together at uni but now we hardly see each other but keep in contact by text and email. Since we first met although i didnt think I fancied him I imagined marrying him one day. I get insanely jealous if he gets a girlfriend and secretly happy when they break up. Every time I break up with a boyfriend I think "hey it dont matter cause Im gonna marry ***** anyway". I dont think he has feelings for me other than friendship but at the same time I dont think I do cause even though I think about him alot, if i try to imagine being intimate with him i cringe. What does all this mean guys??

[tokyo]

cause even though I think about him alot, if i try to imagine being intimate with him i cringe.

 

I feel the same about one of my friends. I like him and talking with him is funny and I used to write him a lot of emails, a couple each day, till he decided two weeks ago to confess that he was in love with me. We agreed to break off the contact.

 

I also asked myself, why am I not in love with him? He is one of the smartest people I know, we have many things in common, but I have to admit I absolutely do not feel attracted to him at all. Today I was thinking about him and his ex-girlfriend and I fully realized: It gives me the shiver to imagine myself to be in bed with him! I´m a idiot, am I? I feel bad about that, but I can´t help it. He is the most unerotic person that I can imagine, he´s like a brother maybe. Maybe I don´t feel attracted to him because he has behaved very immature and childish in respect to me in the past, probably because he was in love with me, but lovefool or not, I have rarely seen someone talk such an absurd bull**** as he did when he got mad at me. I recently even stopped getting angry at him, it was just amazing watching him accusing me and demanding this and demanding that. I wonder how it would be if he was really good looking? Would it make a difference? I´m nearly inclined to say - probably not. Poooh, I definitely feel weird about this. I really would like to know why I feel like this.

 

Your situation is even more strange. Do you think friend is attractive? Maybe your jealousy is the kind a sister has who has to share her brother´s attention and time with his girlfriend? I wouldn´t be jealous if my friend found someone else.

[chubachoop]

My situation is different to yours. Ive had freidns whom Ive wished I could be attracted to cause theyd be so right for me but with this guy its different. He isnt that good looking and I dont feel physically attracted to him yet I do think about him and I do get jealous when hes with other girls. Can you be in love with someone without a physical attraction?? I know its not the brother sister thing cause we arent as close as brother and sister would be and Ive two brothers already. its weird!

[Curt]

Only some months ago, I would have thought that it would be next to impossible to have a close female friend that I care very much for, but had no romantic intentions with.

 

I now know how wrong I was. One of my current friends has almost reached "sister status" with me, and we talk a great deal, but I do not feel "romantic affection" for her.

 

It's odd in some ways, but it's a fact. Perhaps the guy you're talking about has reached "brother" status with you.

 

Curt

[chubachoop]

But Curt within the first few weeks of meeting him I didnt fancy him, I fancied his friend but I had this weird intuition that we would end up together. I still have it now and dont know what it means or whether i should tell him.

[Curt]

What I think you are feeling is a bit of emotional confusion, in that when you care deeply for someone as a friend, and that friend is of the opposite sex, we confuse the friendship affection with romantic affection.

 

I look at it as a chemical equilibrium equation almost:

 

emotional affection + physical affection <=> romantic affection

 

If one is present (for example, the emotional affection) in huge amounts we may sometimes get tricked into thinking that there might be a "romantic affection" there too, even when in reality, the only physical affection that we might be giving the other person is VERY small, (a hug or our physical presence even).

 

The mind gets "tricked" into feeling romantic-type affection, even though what is going on is simply a matter of friendship and intellectual closeness.

 

That's what I think is going on.

 

Think I'm gonna coin the term "pseudo love" for what's going on.

 

Curt

[rainie]

Hmm... I think i have the same problem. I have an online male friend whom I think about all the time. We have talked to each other through IM for over a year and have gotten very close, like best friends. I have seen his picture and am not physically attracted to him at all. Yet recently, he told me that he's interested in some girl (another online friend but they live very close to each other). I was devastated and jealous. I'm pretty sure I love him in some way, but dunno if only as a friend or romantically. I have hinted my feelings to him, but he had also hinted back that he treats me as a sister. Anyways, I'm currently trying to get him out of my system since my logical side tells me that nothing would come out of this, with the distance, his non-romantic feelings towards me, and my confused feelings towards him lol.

 

Sorry, to get back on ur subject... Maybe u feel jealous when ur friend has girlfriends becuz u want him to be unable to get over u. Is it some sort of pride? Could u picture u and him in a loving and sexual relationship? If that creeps u out, then i don't think u are in love with him. Best of luck to u.

[tokyo]

I used to get a little bit jealous when one of my best girlfriends had a

new boyfriend, it´s like I had to share her with someone else. I know

I`m not lesbian, so I think you have strong feelings for him and that´s

just it.

[chubachoop]

yeah i think your all right. I didnt tell him thank god because i cant imagine a physical relationship with him. I wish i could cos hed be perfect, but i cant. Cheers for the feedback!