Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Hello I need urgent advice on how to friend zone a guy in a kind way! (He's 34. I'm 24. ) We had a few dates. for me they were casual meetings , nothing special but he got it very wrong. Tried to kiss me on the 3rd "date" - I avoided him and gave him the cheek. So on our 4th meeting, we went to watch a movie together at his place ( very wrong I know but I thought I made it very clear about my intentions by avoiding the kiss. ) and had a couple of drinks. He kinda force kissed me which led to sex unfortunately. Tried getting away which was in vain. And I couldn't tell him to stop because it would be heart breaking. ( Btw He was very bad at kissing /love making. )for me there was no sexual interest or chemical attraction whatsoever. Then he started calling every single day to arrange a date for the evening. he was like -I pick you up at 6? At first I made up several excuses but later It became impossible to make up different excuses for every single day. This went on for about a month. I always stood away from him - physically. Never told him emotional things - eg when he says I miss u - I never replied. I stood very cold. while he was very kind and nice. Arranged romantic dinners at nice restaurants - bought me a lot of gifts - he is like he was in a serious relationship. Now how do I friendzone him? He'd make a perfect friend. And I don't want to waste his time any longer. I don't want to break his heart or bruise his ego because he is very kind and thoughtful. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 My trolldar really isn't wrong this time. I swear. Believe me I would waste not time seeking help on forums if I wasn't in deep sh** Link to post Share on other sites
Aedra Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 (edited) Hello I need urgent advice on how to friend zone a guy in a kind way! (He's 34. I'm 24. ) We had a few dates. for me they were casual meetings , nothing special but he got it very wrong. Tried to kiss me on the 3rd "date" - I avoided him and gave him the cheek. So on our 4th meeting, we went to watch a movie together at his place ( very wrong I know but I thought I made it very clear about my intentions by avoiding the kiss. ) and had a couple of drinks. He kinda force kissed me which led to sex unfortunately. Tried getting away which was in vain. And I couldn't tell him to stop because it would be heart breaking. ( Btw He was very bad at kissing /love making. )for me there was no sexual interest or chemical attraction whatsoever. Then he started calling every single day to arrange a date for the evening. he was like -I pick you up at 6? At first I made up several excuses but later It became impossible to make up different excuses for every single day. This went on for about a month. I always stood away from him - physically. Never told him emotional things - eg when he says I miss u - I never replied. I stood very cold. while he was very kind and nice. Arranged romantic dinners at nice restaurants - bought me a lot of gifts - he is like he was in a serious relationship. Now how do I friendzone him? He'd make a perfect friend. And I don't want to waste his time any longer. I don't want to break his heart or bruise his ego because he is very kind and thoughtful. Unless he's a really atypical guy, you've burnt the bridge for keeping him as a friend. It was a serious mistake to have sex with him when you did not want to and you sent him all the wrong signals, that's why he's so eager now. It was bad you felt alot of pressure but in the end you caved in. You have to be honest about your feelings to him. Tell him you were confused and only see him as a friend. He's going to get hurt regardless if what you say, no way out of this one. Perhaps down the line, once he's healed, he may consider just being your friend but do not be surprised if the friendship is not repairable. I am sorry. Edited January 17, 2013 by Aedra 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Andy_K Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 He kinda force kissed me which led to sex unfortunately. Hands up any other girls this has happened to. I'm curious to know Link to post Share on other sites
StanMusial Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 LOL. What tha hell man. Here's what you do. Tell him you will only talk to him twice a week. You will only give him sex once a month, at a predetermined time and place, and of a set quality. Text messages are limited to two per day barring emergency situations. These and other conditions should be typed up and notarized in triplicate, with you each holding a copy and the third going into a safe deposit box held in third party trust. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Hands up any other girls this has happened to. I'm curious to know Seriously ?? It was very bad because I felt no attraction/ he wasn't good at kissing/he wasn't good in bed. I just wanted it to be over, luckily it was within a minute. I will be honest and say that he is a very loved and respected friend that I enjoy spending time with and that's it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 well I will get the bait... You just need to be honest... come one.. you had sex with him for pity? You gave him all the wrong signals and now you want to friend zone him? There is no room for friendship here anymore.. just tell him the truth and stop seeing him... You are just baking a pain cake for him every time you delay dropping the truth! I really gave him no signals. Never was flirty. always distanced and casual. No romantic conversations. Link to post Share on other sites
HitMeNow Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I really gave him no signals. Never was flirty. always distanced and casual. No romantic conversations. Lol you never gave him signals besides going to his place and ****ing his brains out? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I really gave him no signals. Never was flirty. always distanced and casual. No romantic conversations. Except for f***ing him you mean? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Except for f***ing him you mean? When he kissed me I did not kiss him back and pushed him gently. I was scared to break his heart. I know I should've just told him straight but I couldn't because I would feel terrible bruising his ego. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Welcome to LS What interests of his do you share? Have you communicated to him directly that you aren't interested in continuing/furthering a potential romantic relationship? If so, how did that go? Excuses aren't communicating directly. Tell me about a close platonic male friendship which you enjoy. How does it compare? IMO, if the guy is attached, and that's unknown here, it's nearly impossible to avoid some 'heartbreak' when terminating that attachment; however, there are healthy ways to do that but those take mature communication skills. Some people grow those and can end such dynamics well; others struggle with it throughout life. Since you're young, plenty of time to learn and do. Try what you think will work, observe and learn from the results. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Lol you never gave him signals besides going to his place and ****ing his brains out? You never go to your friend's place? Going to his place should be taken as a clue only if a girl is flirty. But if she's acting all cool casual and distant, then it is obvious that there'll be no flirting Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 You never go to your friend's place? Going to his place should be taken as a clue only if a girl is flirty. But if she's acting all cool casual and distant, then it is obvious that there'll be no flirting I do think you should take responsibility for your actions here. You went on 4 dates with this guy after all and you had sex with him. There is no misunderstanding on his part only backing out on yours. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
HitMeNow Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 You never go to your friend's place? Going to his place should be taken as a clue only if a girl is flirty. But if she's acting all cool casual and distant, then it is obvious that there'll be no flirting No offense but I have a genuine dislike for females like you. (Well obviously the guy is a complete idiot too) You look so innocent, nice and polite, but deep down you're just insecure as **** and you can't wait to SUCK the value and attention of every guy in your way. You don't go to the place of a guy who tried to kiss you and who you never had the balls to say "I don't like you". You also don't **** HIM. (and stop playing the victim. Were you raped? NO. So don't even say he wouldn't stop.) You also don't keep him as a friend. That is beyond egoistic. So you will have your little attention whoring and he will get hung up on you for the rest of his life and live miserable. Way to wanna be a good friend. Again the "I don't like you", is not NICE, and is definitely not gonna do anything FOR YOU, but it's gonna do something FOR HIM. So next time stop being such a self-centered narcissist and think about others rather than about "how to be nice" or "how to keep him as a friend". 1 Link to post Share on other sites
bittersweet memories Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Seriously ?? It was very bad because I felt no attraction/ he wasn't good at kissing/he wasn't good in bed. I just wanted it to be over, luckily it was within a minute. I will be honest and say that he is a very loved and respected friend that I enjoy spending time with and that's it. Did you go out with him again, after you slept with him?? Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I really gave him no signals. Never was flirty. always distanced and casual. No romantic conversations. You had sex with him. You keep saying you pushed him away. So did he rape you or did you consent? I'm sorry, but sex doesn't accidentally happen. It sounds like you also have gone to romantic dinners with him and accepted gifts from him. You agreed to go n dates with him. I don't care about your body language -- you have been leading this guy on. Have you kissed him in the past month since you had sex with him? You've let this go on for far too long. I'm really not sure you can remain friends. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Welcome to LS What interests of his do you share? Have you communicated to him directly that you aren't interested in continuing/furthering a potential romantic relationship? If so, how did that go? Excuses aren't communicating directly. Tell me about a close platonic male friendship which you enjoy. How does it compare? IMO, if the guy is attached, and that's unknown here, it's nearly impossible to avoid some 'heartbreak' when terminating that attachment; however, there are healthy ways to do that but those take mature communication skills. Some people grow those and can end such dynamics well; others struggle with it throughout life. Since you're young, plenty of time to learn and do. Try what you think will work, observe and learn from the results. Good luck. Thank your for your help! Yes he is attached and he thinks we are serious. We play Xbox together and Have a lot of fun And that's it for me. We also chat for hours and never get bored. He's a very nice and kind person. I'm just not into him. And no, I have never directly told him that I wasn't interested in him. But Next time he talks about our "relationship", I will tell him that I do not want a relationship with him. I just don't know how to put this into nice and gentle words, bc I really don't want to break his heart. What are the healthy ways that you've mentioned? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Did you go out with him again, after you slept with him?? At first no, I avoided him for a week or so ( made up excuses all the time). Did not return his calls / messages. But finally I ran out of xcusees and he was so persistent that I ended up saying ok. Link to post Share on other sites
HitMeNow Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I just don't know how to put this into nice and gentle words, bc I really don't want to break his heart. You shouldn't be nice and gentle. You are gonna break his heart either way, but by being nice and gentle and keeping him around you will do him a great great harm. You wanna be his friend? Cut all contacts with him for 3 months. I mean ALL contacts. Let him get over you. After 3 months invite him to play XBOX with you and be clear from the beginning that this is just a friendship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 At first no, I avoided him for a week or so ( made up excuses all the time). Did not return his calls / messages. But finally I ran out of xcusees and he was so persistent that I ended up saying ok. Extremely poor behaviour on your part. Leading the poor guy on, getting gifts, dinners, being fed. Crikey at least other women are honest when they are only after someone's cash Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 You had sex with him. You keep saying you pushed him away. So did he rape you or did you consent? I'm sorry, but sex doesn't accidentally happen. It sounds like you also have gone to romantic dinners with him and accepted gifts from him. You agreed to go n dates with him. I don't care about your body language -- you have been leading this guy on. Have you kissed him in the past month since you had sex with him? You've let this go on for far too long. I'm really not sure you can remain friends. About the romantic dinners: maybe this would guve you a clue on how persistent and pushy he gets: once he invited me to a dinner. I said that i dodnt have time. He said that we d get a quick dinner. And we ended up in a fancy restaurant. He is just too pushy and I'm a very kind person i cant say no unless i find an excuse but it does not work on this guy. Link to post Share on other sites
HitMeNow Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 About the romantic dinners: maybe this would guve you a clue on how persistent and pushy he gets: once he invited me to a dinner. I said that i dodnt have time. He said that we d get a quick dinner. And we ended up in a fancy restaurant. He is just too pushy and I'm a very kind person i cant say no unless i find an excuse but it does not work on this guy. This is BS, complete BS. You accepted the dinner cuz it was convenient for you and you liked the attention. If you really wanted to be friends with this guy, you would have had the balls to come out and tell him straight up: Listen I am not into you. We can go to dinner now if you want. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mrlonelyone Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 This just sounds like a relationship not working out. There is no reason to devalue the man or make him seem like a rapist. You tried, it didn't work. Just tell him you don't feel like it's a good fit. Most mature men will just move on with life. You may be friends at some point in the future. But, be honest with yourself and him in the process. You dated him, it didn't work out. Don't try to invalidate everything that happened between you. That would PO just about anyone. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Chocolatecat Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Extremely poor behaviour on your part. Leading the poor guy on, getting gifts, dinners, being fed. Crikey at least other women are honest when they are only after someone's cash I do not need his cash/ being fed/ or any gifts. Gifts weren't jewellery or anything. They were books. If he bought me jewellery , I would def say no. But with books you really can't say no. Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Arranged romantic dinners at nice restaurants - bought me a lot of gifts - he is like he was in a serious relationship. Funny you don't seem to mention 'books' in your posts only 'lots of gifts' and 'nice restaurants' Why can't you say no to books? Another rule you made up for this 'very pushy guy' who was your friends for quite a while beforehand despite his 'pushiness'? Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts