My Journal - Finding a path back to me

[ScienceGal]

Somewhere along the way I stopped loving. Not him, not me, but pretty much everything. I lost focus and gave up a part of myself I should never willingly give up, my clarity. I pretended things weren't so bad, but they were. I grew cold and scared, and my head sunk down as I wandered on. I tried to find joy in anything else around me, except in him. I shut him out, yet love was all he wanted from me. Regardless of who is at fault and how things could've been different, I gave up without actually saying it, or even full realizing it. Now he has given up too. So, I'm going to start a journal to help me on my way to wherever I may be going. It's for me. I'm posting it in case anyone might benefit from it.

 

My first entry is a letter to him (but written only for me)

 

As of yesterday, you are "one million percent sure" about being separated. I phrased it that way in my question to you because I needed some harsh words to hold on to, some cold facts. I'm glad I said everything I wanted to say before I saked you to give me that final push out the door. I had written down the following on a piece of scrap paper Thursday night, when I thought we were going to work things out. I told you we needed a plan, so after we hung up the phone, I got to working on one. Sadly, it's just for me now.

 

These are my ideas for what will immediately improve our relationship

-Every Friday night (or any other designated night) we will make time to have dinner together. No tv, no phones. Just us, talking and listening.

 

- Extended physical intimacy at least once a week. Sex, backrub, just lying in bed snuggling, etc. Anything beyond a just hug and a kiss. We lost our physical connection and I want it back.

 

- Ground rules for communicating important things (feelings). 1) always face to face and without distractions. 2) The listener listens and doesn't get defensive or angry. A better effort is made to understand what is being said rather than quickly reacting to it. 3) The speaker relays the info in a straight-forward way (avoid anger, sarcasm, etc.).

 

-"I love you" at least once a day, preferably more.

Edited January 17, 2013 by ScienceGal

[TaraMaiden]

'No more grumbling or sulking,

Or hating my state;

No more letting my troubles

Confound me -

But Laughing -

And loving the friends

All around me.

And soon, I shall find

If I really keep trying,

I have enough blessings to keep me

From Crying.'

 

Someone gave me this poem a long time ago - a far longer time ago, than I care to remember! But I have never forgotten it.

It still brings a lump to my throat, and yet settles me into a place of peace, the instant I read it....

 

((Hugs)).

[ScienceGal]

Today will make day 4 of no contact. It still hurts, and I still don't want to be separated. As uplifted/enlightened as I was by another post I made yesterday, I don't fully accept or believe this can't be fixed. But, I can't do anything except let time pass.

 

I had a dream ex showed up at my door and wanted to talk. He took responsibility for his side of things, but demanded that we leave it behind and move forward. He slammed his fist down and said "this is how it's going to be!" He took control and I was amazed. I stood there, silent, and felt his conviction. He said he wanted to move in together and we worked out the logistics of how that could happen. I woke up so happy. Now, well, I am ok, but I wish the dream had been real. I wish he didn't give up on us, I wish he had taken control other than in his decision to leave.

 

I went out with friends last night and all I can say is I do not care for the dance club scene. It was a small place, with a mostly older crowd, but still. Last time I was there, ex came and didn't like it. I gave him a hard time for looking so disinterested the whole time. Ironic that while I was standing there last night, I thought to myself "I hate this, I want to be home with him watching a movie". I did my best to seem happy, but I was completely disinterested. I wished ex was there so I could say "you're right, this isn't fun, let's get out of here". Why do I have to realize this now?

 

I wish I could hold him again and show him how much I care. I miss all we had, so much. I regret not trying to make it better before it was too late.

 

I wonder if it would matter if he knew this now. I have to convince myself that it would not matter. I need to remember that he does not want me, and does not want me to contact him. I need to be strong. The lines of how he feels/felt are warping in my mind. I'm telling myself he never wanted to be with me long term. I'm convincing myself he never wanted to live with me or marry me. Must be a defense mechanism. I wonder if he's doing the same thing. So sad.

 

I have a lot of studying to do today. Here's to filling my mind with other things!

Edited January 20, 2013 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

I was asked out on a date, but declined because I know I'm not ready yet. I know I made the right call, but I don't like the idea of passing by potential partners. I don't like wasting time sitting in a period of transition when I know the sooner I get through, the better. Maybe if I remind myself why it didn't work out with ex, it'll help me push forward. I need to stop pretending there is anything there worth caring about anymore.

 

1) he wants to live day to day and not plan for a future, despite having been in "love" with me

2) he repeatedly chose to communicate with other women instead of opening up to me

3) he never made me feel safe in the long term (#1) or in the short-term (#2) = I emotionally shutdown and became cold/distant

4) I wanted to save the relationship, he didn't. he left me. he gave up.

 

I have a full weekend planned and have joined a social group that meets 1-2 times a month. I am really looking forward to staying busy and meeting new people. I am also looking forward to dating, but need to be much wiser in my decisions. I already know my long term-goals, so with those in mind I will develop a list of what can and cannot be compromised. I've done this before, but obviously didn't follow it, so I definitely need a reminder.

 

I slept really well last night and am happy/peaceful today. What a relief

Edited January 22, 2013 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

Ex messaged me on Tuesday. At first it was just a blank message and he pretended that it was an accident. This turned into more messaging and a 2.5 hour phone call. We met for coffee the next day and he told me that he missed me, but... that's right, "isn't sure" we should try to be together again. He is scared and doesn't want to go back to where we were. I agreed that we had sunk to a bad place. But, I still love him and wanted to make it right. IMO, 80% of our issues could be resolved. I let him know where I stand and also let him know that I will do my best to give him time/space to figure it out, but I am not putting my life on hold in the meantime. We decide to meet up some time next week to talk again. All in all I left the meeting feeling pretty good.

 

Then he messages me a couple hours later to go to his place to talk more. I think, great! He's decided we should get back together. Wrong, this is where it all goes to hell (save the head shaking for later)... I go over and he has been drinking. He is happy to see me, stares at me with loving eyes. Tells me everything I want to hear. We exchange a few light kisses and he eventually passes out in my lap. I wanted to go home, but he wakes up enough to tell me he wants me to stay. I'm torn. He's put me in a situation where my emotional security and progress are being compromised. Yet, I stay (of course I do! ). I know you're thinking sex, but no. He literally just passed out. The next day he messages me all day, like when we were together. I didn't like it because it still wasn't "I want to make this work, let's get back together", it was just chit chat and him testing the waters to see if I would be kind (I was). I just wanted to go back to the "let's meet next week plan". I don't half ass anything, certainly not relationships. I was in a tough place come last night.

 

Tonight, he came and cooked me dinner. I had hoped he would say he wants to make things right between us, but all I get is more indecision. We have a decent conversation, some relationship things were cleared up (for him) and he gets up to leave. I had teared up a few times so he hugged me, several times. He agreed this isn't fair for me to wait while he figures things out. I told him I can't deal with this. It's either in or out. I'm leaving town for a few days (unrelated to our relationship) and we decided to reconnect after I get back.

 

Then the texting battles (I am too old for this sh*t!). I pretty much state I had a great time tonight but I really can't do this, that I could see all over his face that this wasn't going to work and it felt as though he wasn't coming back. That going over the other night was difficult because it made me want to be back together, but he is still unsure. A while later I start getting what I assume are drunk texts. He is blaming me for not being forward, for not showing him I can be loving. That I should've taken his cues the other night (when he was drunk) and realized he wants to be with me. Being distant was an issue in our relationship, but we've discussed it and come to an understanding as to why that happened. So, it seems he is still angry and blaming me for the past. These messages are a complete 180 from earlier at dinner when he was still unsure and feeling bad about it. I engaged more than I should have in this text conversation (which I dislike and strongly discourage anyone from doing). I was just so floored. My fault? Really? I haven't faltered one moment in how I feel about him. He left me, then went back and forth for a couple weeks, then I block his FB and email and hear nothing for a week, then he texts and asks to talk. In talking, he says he still needs space to think. I give it, and suddenly I am just as cold as before because I am not being overly loving now? He is "tired of feeling sorry"? Makes no sense.

 

Last thing I wrote was "reread these messages tomorrow"

 

I will take criticism, fair enough. But this is a journal to myself as well. I am seriously wondering if I will ever learn. Seriously, love is not enough.

Edited January 26, 2013 by ScienceGal

[cavalier99]

Ummm. What happened to NC? I guess keep on flogging the dead horse until you get tired. It isn't getting up. You'll wear yourself out eventually. What happened to the posting here idea before you contact him or respond? I get that your strong and smart but in this case it seems to be working against you. I think your a lot better at giving advise than taking it Why don't you take the advise you would give me?

 

Just because you've been thru this before doesn't make you immune to doing what you know you need to do. Unless going thru this over and over again is what you need to do? You've discussed learning lessons about men for you next relationship.

 

What about the tough lessons you've learned on how to deal with a BU?

 

Sorry. Cav

Edited January 26, 2013 by cavalier99

[ScienceGal]

I am not proud. And, I am not here to lie. I was doing better, but stlll crying a lot. Still missing him. When he reached out, I thought it meant something more. I know, I failed to follow my own advice.

 

I don't know how things went from agreeing to talking once in a while to me not "taking his cues" and being more open and loving. I don't understand how he came to that conclusion at all. I have to assume he was angry and drunk. But he shouldn't be with me, I haven't faltered even once. Am I am missing something? He has never been like this with me.

 

Last thing I wrote last night after him insisting I should've been more affectionate the past couple days "No.Tell me you're scared this might not work out, but that you're willing to try because you love me and you love us. If you're in, I'm in. That's what I've said all along. I'm scared too, but I have reassured you at least 8 times. All you've given me is indecision, and "sorry" and a drunken kiss."

 

This is a set back. I completely anticipate an apology, and I am just dying inside. I don't know why I'm allowing this to happen.

Edited January 26, 2013 by ScienceGal

[TaraMaiden]

Bad behaviour in children, is a 'notice me!' tendency.

It's bad attention, but at least, it's still attention.

They have grabbed mom/dad's interest.

 

That's just what you're doing here.

Perpetuating the drama, making things worse, making yourself scream, cry and wail inside - and it's a 'notice me!' tendency.

It's bad attention, but still attention.

 

You've grabbed his interest.

He may not like what you're doing, and you may not like what he's doing - but at least, you're still back in that dancing mind-game, and in each others' focus.

 

If you're happy to continue, heck, why should anyone stop you?

If you're not happy - then behave yourself.

[cavalier99]

I am not proud. And, I am not here to lie. I was doing better, but stlll crying a lot. Still missing him. When he reached out, I thought it meant something more. I know, I failed to follow my own advice.

 

I don't know how things went from agreeing to talking once in a while to me not "taking his cues" and being more open and loving. I don't understand how he came to that conclusion at all. I have to assume he was angry and drunk. But he shouldn't be with me, I haven't faltered even once. Am I am missing something? He has never been like this

 

This is the slippery slope you warned me about.

 

I guess either stay NC or just play it out until reality hits. I mean you already broke NC. Just keep in mind when 2 people get back together it usually isn't so complicated. They just do. And you 2 aren't.

 

You'll be fine either way it will just take longer and will be more painful while your playing these contact games. Just seems sorta detrimental and painful to both of you

[ScienceGal]

I'm not in pain right now, and to be honest I do not think this is going to set me back. I am just dazed and unable to comprehend what just happened. It's not easy watching someone you care about act so erratically. After him being sweet and open in talking with me last night, but then sending all the angry messages, and now wanting me to move on and claiming he doesn't love me anymore... I am left feeling that he is truly mentally ill right now. He is struggling, and incapable of processing emotions (incoming and outgoing). The first meeting for coffee was fine, but I indulged in the wrong kind of interactions after that. It was an immature choice, and I knew it. He is being childish, because I don't think he knows any other way. This has all left me feeling very turned off from him actually.

 

He literally blamed me for not running after him last night. Said it was the "slowest walk he's ever taken to his car". Why would I run when he is the one who isn't 100% about reconciling? And we left things on a calm and clear note, there was no running after to be done. And this isn't a 1990's romantic comedy, geesh! He sent a few other messages like that, things that I apparently should have "just done" but I didn't do (mainly showing affection), and therefore let him down. None made any sense. I think he needs me to be the bad guy so he doesn't feel so bad. I think he is mad I didn't give him proof that a relationship would definitely work between us. He was fishing for a kind of security that doesn't exist. Reconciling (or any relationship for that matter) is a risk that you take, or not.

 

I made one more plea this morning for him to just realize his behavior over the past few days wasn't fair, especially ending it in anger towards me. He said something along the lines of "yup, you've got it all figured out. Good job". He is in shut down mode again, I'm assuming the same mode he was in when he wrote the "never contact me again, I'm moving on" note that he left with my belongings.

 

I've deleted everything, again.

 

I know I messed up. I don't think many people are on here because they have it all figured out. I'm struggling just like anyone else. And, sound advice is always easier to give than to get.

 

What I did wrong here

1) I was too kind/sympathetic

2) I didn't protect myself (shouldn't have went to his place after coffee, shouldn't have engaged in text conversations)

3) I didn't let my logic outweigh my emotion (ongoing problem for me)

 

What I did right

1) Made all of my intentions, wants/needs clear (including the list I put in my initial post that I wished I had told him) and never faltered.

2) Realized the situation was bad for me and told him I couldn't continue like this, and he needed to make a choice sooner rather than later.

3) I let him go. I didn't beg or plead. I simply said how sorry I am things have to be this way.

 

This hasn't changed my path. I'm going out tonight with friends and leaving town for a few days tomorrow. Life goes on.

 

Thank you, Cav and Tara.

Edited January 26, 2013 by ScienceGal

[iouaname]

It sounds like he wants you to chase him. He takes comfort in knowing that you're still after him, and it sounds like it might even be making the break up easier for him? It's clearly making it harder on you, though.

[cavalier99]

I'm actually confused as to who is the dumper and dupee here. Lol . Both you guys seem to show characteristics of both.

[ScienceGal]

I think we both don't want to face it's over. He takes the role of the dumper, and me the enabler. The roles could be reversed, but I'm done initiating contact and have been for a couple weeks now.

 

He called and his message was it's not going to work between us so he was mean as a way to make me angry and go away. He realizes it wasn't a good choice to be mean. He said it's just not fair for me to have to deal with his indecision because it was hurting me.

 

I am more fine with this now than before, he really isn't emotionally well. There is no love or anything else good there for me. He has a lot of demons around him right now. He's just gone.

 

I have actually been mellow all day. My vacuum cleaner wasn't working and I fixed it! Never fixed any appliance before. Felt good! And, I'm going to a concert with friends tonight, so for once I will take your advice, Cav. I will ROCK ON!

Edited January 26, 2013 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

You can reconcile, but I don't think you will ever have a happy marriage with this man.

 

So you may as well end it now, rather than a year from now.

 

Just my $0.02.

[ScienceGal]

I don't see a way to reconcile, especially after the way he treated me the past week. Before, I overlooked just about every "issue" because I felt truly loved and adored by him. I felt as though I could be myself and not be judged or criticized. I felt free in many ways. And the day to day life was exactly what I want. We had great compatibility in many ways. There is a lot I miss, but I wanted more, and staying in a situation that isn't leading to that hurts me even more... And that is the problem here. He wants the same things I do, but knows his path wasn't lining up with mine. This is what he is struggling with, on top of his depression.

 

Now, I feel no hope. I feel sad that I had to meet him now, that I had to be hurt by so many juvenile mistakes. Sad that he has fallen of an emotional cliff that many of us fall from early in navigating relationships and love.

 

I'm trying to enjoy my work trip. Networking and talking to like minded people makes me feel better. Refocusing energy on work makes me feel better. But, inside I am very lonely. I'm struggling to look truly happy. I am tired of seeing people with their spouses, while I am standing here alone.

 

I am mentally maxed out, not in the same capacity as the ex, but I am done for now. I think I need to go to therapy and talk about why I keep making poor choices. I am very upset with myself right now.

[iouaname]

ScienceGal - you're doing really well. You may have done some things that you consider mistakes, and I know that you're hurting, but you're still doing what you need to be doing. Therapy might be a good idea, I'm considering it as well, just because it might be nice to have someone to talk to.

 

I know how you feel about "being around" couples. The day after I got dumped, I had to attend a wedding . It was the worst feeling in the world.

[moontiger]

I am mentally maxed out, not in the same capacity as the ex, but I am done for now. I think I need to go to therapy and talk about why I keep making poor choices. I am very upset with myself right now.

 

After the end of my last relationship, I myself went to a counselor with the same question.

 

I think that it can be an incredibly stressful and uncertain situation to be a thirtysomething woman who is single, and would rather not be. I certainly found it so. One is in a position where she'd like to settle down, everyone she knows is settled down, and if she'd like a family someday then it's always lurking in the background that there is a time limit on that.

 

And that can cloud decision-making; it did for me. That and loneliness, and a desire to make up for the time I'd lost in previous relationships.

[trippi1432]

ScienceGal - I've subscribed to your journal just to read your journey. In a similar place myself with my last relationship, dealing with significant other's unhappiness and depression which he admits was him and nothing I did to make him that way, it still isn't an easy situation where the good outweighed the bad.

 

I entered counseling again and described my situation to which the counselor said to me that my ex definitely needs to resolve his own internal conflicts; however, her concern for me was why I picked men who were not my equal. This is an internal conflict that I know I have as well as I try to hard to see the good in people rather than having a mental list of how no man will measure up. What I have reconciled is that I don't have to keep a mental list of an ideal that is out of a man's reach to attain, but I can be better at recognizing red flags and not feel guilty in walking away instead of thinking that the red flag is just a warning.

 

Not sure if that helps, but I am on my own journey as well in better understanding me. Good luck.

[ScienceGal]

My father is dying. He's been sick for a while, much worse the past couple months. As of today he's intubated and has more tubes than I can count. I keep thinking that I've prepared for this, but I don't believe there is any wày to do so.

 

I came home early from my work trip to see him. He's frustrated because he can't speak. I held his hand and told him I love him and to relax. I've never seen him so weak and so scared.

 

I am so gone right now. Completely gone.

Edited January 28, 2013 by ScienceGal

[iouaname]

I'm so sorry

 

::hugs::

[moontiger]

My father is dying. He's been sick for a while, much worse the past couple months. As of today he's intubated and has more tubes than I can count. I keep thinking that I've prepared for this, but I don't believe there is any wày to do so.

 

I came home early from my work trip to see him. He's frustrated because he can't speak. I held his hand and told him I love him and to relax. I've never seen him so weak and so scared.

 

I am so gone right now. Completely gone.

 

Oh SG, I didn't know that. Big hugs. I'm so sorry. I wish there were something more useful I could say. My mom was diagnosed just before Thanksgiving with late-stage cancer, and my world has imploded. So at least you have a friend here on a similar journey. I'm right here with you; let me know if there is anything I can do for you. I'm so, so sorry you have to deal with a breakup on top of this.

 

Lots of love.

Edited January 29, 2013 by moontiger

[cavalier99]

Im sorry SG. That is so rough. My dad passed away last year. I held his hand until the last breath. It is so heart wrenching the last days and weeks. It is so so hard to be in that situation and you are so strong to be there with him. My prayers are with you and your family. Cav

[ScienceGal]

I have been asked to write and deliver the eulogy. The funeral is in two days and all I have a lousy draft. I don't know how to say goodbye to my dad. I feel as though I am in quicksand up to my neck, emotionally and physically. I am so tired of being hurt, depressed and disappointed all the time.

 

I didn't go to work this week. I've lost 6 pounds. I attended the class I am taking and got to the gym a couple times, but other than that I have moped around. I do well at getting done what needs to get done, but after a while I just snap under the pressure. I just want to feel something truly good again, it's been so long.

 

I'm still on my path though, still embracing it, as frustrated and pissed off as I am at times. I'm still struggling to be true to myself, and to be strong. I feel hollow and light, as though the slightest wind could blow me away.

 

Today I am sad, confused, and disappointed.

 

I need hope.

Edited February 9, 2013 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

The funeral service went well, but today I feel worse than I have in a long time. Maybe it's because now I know I can finally grieve.

 

Ex came back last week. He said he wanted to work things out. He had been seeing someone for a couple weeks but broke it off with her because he still has feelings for me. But he was still texting her and maintaining a friendship, which is something I cannot tolerate. You cannot be friends with someone right after you break up with them. I asked him when was the last time he was truly alone and he said it'd been a long time. I don't think he can be alone, so he reaches out to anyone who will be there for him.

 

He left again because I looked at his phone messages to her. I knew in my gut he was lying, so I looked. He told me he was texting "a friend" but I knew it must be the woman he had been dating. I knew he was lying so I looked. I'm not proud of this, I just had to. He hadn't said anything flirty in the past week, but she did ask him how he felt about his decision. He replied "Eh..." My heart broke. It's obvious he was leaving the door open with her. Also, he never even told her about me.

 

The worst was him messaging me during my father's wake to say he is truly sorry but he won't be attended because it's not his place anymore. Told me to take care. My blood boiled. How rude, how selfish of him? I didn't expect him to go, but he could've either called (not during the service!) or not sent anything at all. I am still angry about this. This was 2 days ago and I haven't replied. I am very tempted to email him, but I won't. His mother sent me a very nice message about my dad and I simply thanked her. I wanted to say "your son is an immature jerk!" I didn't and wouldn't do that though.

 

I let him back in because I felt so alone. I knew it was wrong but I did it anyway. I'm not sure what it is about me that prevents me from letting men go. I am not well.

 

I feel like I have a giant hole in my chest. My whole body aches with dull pain. I don't know what to do. I go back to work tomorrow, so that might help. I am going to therapy, called my doctor today for a referral. I did so well for a while, but with the loss of my father I am worse than I have been in years. I am so lost and lonely.

Edited February 12, 2013 by ScienceGal

[moontiger]

I have been asked to write and deliver the eulogy. The funeral is in two days and all I have a lousy draft. I don't know how to say goodbye to my dad. I feel as though I am in quicksand up to my neck, emotionally and physically. I am so tired of being hurt, depressed and disappointed all the time.

 

I didn't go to work this week. I've lost 6 pounds. I attended the class I am taking and got to the gym a couple times, but other than that I have moped around. I do well at getting done what needs to get done, but after a while I just snap under the pressure. I just want to feel something truly good again, it's been so long.

 

I'm still on my path though, still embracing it, as frustrated and pissed off as I am at times. I'm still struggling to be true to myself, and to be strong. I feel hollow and light, as though the slightest wind could blow me away.

 

Today I am sad, confused, and disappointed.

 

I need hope.

 

I'm so sorry for the loss of your father. I'm more sorry that you had to deal with a breakup during it, of all times.

 

This is the low point; the bottom. The hardest things that can happen have happened--and here you are, still here. Slowly things will go up from here, day by day. You will find your balance again. You will smile again.

 

In the meantime, you are cherished and loved.

 

(Not by Creepy Douchebag Guy, though, so let him go.)

Edited February 13, 2013 by moontiger