My Journal - Finding a path back to me

[AnyaNova]

From a feeling standpoint, and being encultured by a society that doesn't sit well with women showing active emotions such as anger, it probably feels like the worst stage to be at.

 

From an outside standpoint, from a more objective standpoint. Anger is a great sign, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. Anger means, that you respect yourself enough to expect to be treated well. Anger recognizes that a violation of those expectations occurred, and one that is not entirely your fault (relationships, I think, always are a product of both parties), so you are not groveling in self-blame for what you could have done.

 

You are standing up fully and saying that you were not treated as you should have been and this upsets you. It is active and it is a healthy reaction, as long as you choose to deal with it healthfully and not to get mired in it. It means, though, that you value you.

[myothernic2]

Tonight is a hard night for me, I just keep crying. I work about 50 hours a week, take classes part time, and exercise 3-5 days a week. I keep myself so busy that I don't have time to think or feel, and by the time I get home I am so exhausted. But when I walk through the door, sometimes it all hits me, and hard. I wish I had someone. Someone to care for, and who cares for me. Someone genuinely good. I've lived in this particular apartment for two years, alone.

 

 

During my 20s I had three long term relationships, all leading to living together. My favorite part of a relationship has always been spending the evenings together. Sharing the happenings of our day, and emotions. Laughing, crying, and being pissed off. Or having normal nights of dinner and maybe a movie or tv show. Sitting together, but reading separate books. Spending the night out together, or separately. But ultimately going to sleep next to one another, sex or no sex. There's plenty of time for sex when you're in it for the long haul. It's interesting and sad how often times you have no idea that the last sexual encounter is actually the last time. Would you kiss more deeply and embrace longer? Would you say something especially sweet? What would you do differently?

 

I'm just out of my mind with grief right now. Will I ever get it right? I don't know.

 

I am dying a little inside tonight, the way I've been dying little by little with each failed attempt at love.

 

I know the feeling. It seems that after every hard break up, you feel, how will I ever get over this or feel the peace I felt just a week ago when we were together? You also feel like, well it can't get any worse than this feeling. And then, you go through the same thing with someone else and you feel right back at the same place! It does feel like with every goodbye a piece of you dies.

 

But on the bright side, when you're with someone new and feeling happy, you know deep down inside that if the same thing happens with them, you will get over it and life goes on.

[ScienceGal]

Loving the person you think they are, but then sinking into loving the person you hope they'll become. It's not so obvious in the moment, but after the fact, if you can be honest with yourself, you'll see it.

 

I can't believe this is what I did, what I've done many times. It's sad, pathetic, and sick. Above all, it's weak.

 

The compromises, Good Lord. Every time I shrugged a hurtful comment or action off, or pushed it to the back of my mind. I suppose I should be happy those thoughts didn't stay prisoner back there very long. With undeniable unhappiness as my catalyst, those moments would rush forth, through my mind and out of my mouth. Usually it'd become an argument. Sometimes at inappropriate times, but still. I won't bottle things up long term. I know better. That much I have learned. That's why ex and I are through. It's a good thing, and in time I will believe that.

 

I just might be improving. Let's hope.

Edited September 30, 2013 by ScienceGal

[cavalier99]

Why dont you just go out with me!!! Ive always liked you! ...recover 1st though..NE USA too lol Rock on! Cav

[ScienceGal]

Thank you for the smile, Cav!

 

It's become increasingly apparent to me that the things I used to love don't interest me much anymore. Everything carries much less emotional weight than it used to, except the sadness. I even let go of that quicker than I used to though. I choose to feel little of anything as a means to just get by. This clearly isn't a good option.

 

Today, my therapist and I discussed depression, specifically dysthymia. It is less severe, but has longer lasting symptoms (ongoing for 2 years or more). Nearly all the symptoms apply to me. She also think that things might have to get a little worse for me before they can get better (i.e. I have to face my real emotions, which I love to hide, except in moments here and there). In case anyone reading this might relate, here are the symptoms:

• Loss of interest in daily activities
  
• Sadness or feeling down
  
• Hopelessness
  
• Tiredness and lack of energy
  
• Low self-esteem, self-criticism or feeling incapable
  
• Trouble concentrating and trouble making decisions
  
• Irritability or excessive anger
  
• Decreased activity, effectiveness and productivity
  
• Avoidance of social activities
  
• Feelings of guilt and worries over the past
  
• Poor appetite or overeating
  
• Sleep problems
  

She gave me the titles of a few books I should read, one of which is a workbook. I'll start there. I am not interested in medication at this time. Hopefully I can learn my way out of this rut.

 

I making it a personal goal, once again, to not get into a relationship anytime soon. I don't know for how long, I just know I am not interested in having someone new in my life right now. Probably because I know it's going to end up being an unhealthy situation anyway (due to my poor choices in partners). I'm lonely, but I'll live. I don't need an ego boost, and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone or myself. I think staying busy in my own little world and spending time with friends and family is best. And venting as needed on here.

 

I'm supposed to be asking myself, and often, "what is best for me right now?". Simple question, but I've only given it serious thought in hindsight. Can I make better choices in the moment? Tough stuff.

Edited October 1, 2013 by ScienceGal

[reddragon588]

(i.e. I have to face my real emotions, which I love to hide, except in moments here and there)

 

You're like me. I have always struggled with being open with and facing my feelings and emotions. But I recently realized the only thing that is keeping me from being open with my emotions and feelings is me.

 

My therapist recently told me I'm very emotionally honest and it really surprised me, as it was one of the downfalls of my most recent relationship.

 

But then I realized, I can be honest with her, I can be honest in writing... it's not that I don't know how to do it, it's just that I'm not letting myself do it all the time.

 

You're very honest and open and really emotionally intellectually on here. You are very good at sharing and facing your emotions on here- you just have to do what you're doing here all the time!

[iwanttobewell]

I wish you well, ScienceGal. None of this "No Contact" business is easy. But your idioms are helpful, at least to me.

[ScienceGal]

I am doing ok. Staying busy, as always. I went running in the woods yesterday afternoon and then went to a weight-lifting class at the gym for an hour, which really tired me out. I slept well for a change. I'm still tired, and just had a 12 hour day, so I know I'll sleep well again tonight. My body feels good.

 

I am home alone tonight, but I am not sad about it. If I were with my ex, I would probably be wondering what the next fight would be about. I'd be wishing he would just be sweet to me (knowing he wouldn't). I'd sit there, enveloped in his aura of stress and pain. I wouldn't feel much of anything at all, just a dull, aching sadness, and a deep yearning. I'd be dreaming about the day he'd be the man I thought he was, and lie to myself by pretending he would actually be that man one day. The first time we dated, I didn't know that he doesn't have it in him. Now, I do know. And, he knows I don't have what he's looking for.

 

Being here alone is better than being with him. Tonight, I won't be spoken down to. I won't go to bed with stress knots in my stomach. I won't struggle with loving someone who keeps breaking my heart. I will not cry tonight.

 

And tomorrow, it will be a little better.

[ScienceGal]

I went to an event tonight, alone. At this particular place, it doesn't bother me to go alone. It's small, comfortable, and relaxed. I really like it there. Great food and beer. Tonight though, it was a bad idea.

 

My ex (the one that brought me to LS) was there with his girlfriend. They've been together for 2 years, so seeing them wasn't a surprise. But, at this small venue? And, when I am all alone and newly single? I sat at the bar, and soon a couple sat next to me. As I looked around, I saw so many couples, and groups of friends. I sat there, feeling like I was the only person who was there alone. I was in the same seat that I sat in three years ago, when I was on a first date with a man, my ex, who was now sitting across the room with another woman. I remembered how great that date was. Back when I was still hopeful and naive. But, I didn't miss him. I just missed having nice moments like that. I missed having something that feels good. My chest got tense and I wanted to run, but somehow I felt glued to the seat. So, I just numbed out, and I stayed. I ate my food, sipped my beer, and smiled as I watched the event.

 

I'm not one of those people who is attached to their phone, but what else could I do? During the down time, I texted a few people, sent emails that weren't urgent. Read more emails that were mostly spam. And when ex came up to get a beer, I didn't look up. Instead, I put on the biggest smile and acted as though I was reading the sweetest message I've ever read. I acted happy. What a absolute fool I am.

 

I feel so alone. I feel like a fraud, an imposter. I feel like I am drifting and don't have a resting place, like I don't really belong anywhere. I feel pathetic.

 

At the intermission, I said goodbye to the host and got the hell out of there. As soon as I was in my car I lost it. I sobbed the entire way home.

[esteem-jam]

Wow, epic with the seat. Did he notice/understand the situation?

You wrote the story. Now we have read it. You are not alone.

 

 

Edit: Take some of your future acquaintances to the same table and sit them in "his" place. Then you can play them: "You dont know where you are sitting. You think you do, but you have no idea. This is the seat of truth. This is the border between be and not be."

Edited October 12, 2013 by esteem-jam

[ScienceGal]

Wow, epic with the seat. Did he notice/understand the situation?

You wrote the story. Now we have read it. You are not alone.

 

 

Edit: Take some of your future acquaintances to the same table and sit them in "his" place. Then you can play them: "You dont know where you are sitting. You think you do, but you have no idea. This is the seat of truth. This is the border between be and not be."

 

It's likely he noticed I was sitting there. I'm not sure about whatever connections he made or didn't make.

 

My sadness came from being there alone. I have no feelings for him, I suppose I felt a little embarrassed and then depressed. There he was, in a relationship for over 2 years. And there I was, clearly still a failure at keeping together a partnership. Sitting in the seat where it all began for him and I. He blamed me when our relationship ended, and called me many names. Maybe he thought "there she is, still single, still not getting it right." Of course this is all in my mind, I know that. He probably gave it little thought at all. Even if I were still with my most recent ex, he couldn't have been there with me on a Thursday night. I would've been alone anyway. This is all internal processing, it's just part of moving on. Part of accepting being alone. It's very difficult for me.

 

It's been a month since my most recent split and I'm in a very awkward and uncomfortable place. I know I will keep thinking of my recent ex until I find someone new. I'm fairly sure he's been out dating and is moving on. I don't want him back, but I do miss companionship and intimacy. A small part of me still fantasizes about him being a sweet and loving man. (I need to work on getting more exciting fantasies!)

 

I'm too scared to get out there and actively date. I don't want to be taken advantage of, and I don't want to settle in with the first "nice" guy I meet. I want to make a good decision this time, only I have no idea how to do that. I am too emotional right now. The best choice is to keep going on alone. I'll focus on myself, family and friends. I am busy enough with work and school too. I'll stay open to opportunities though. If I happen to meet someone, I'll have to assess it then.

 

One day at a time.

Edited October 12, 2013 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

Moments of strength come and go, as do the tears. I'm just going through the motions. It's not even about him anymore. It's about all of my exes, which are actually all about me. Why do I keep getting myself into these f'ed up relationships? I've mostly answered that actually, so the real question is: am I ready to stop doing this to myself? When I meet someone new, and red flags abound, I suppose that will be the real test.

 

Yesterday was my birthday. We've been split for a month now, and I am somewhere close to acceptance, but it still hurts. I still feel a loss. I didn't expect to hear from him because I doubt he remembers what day my birthday is. He didn't remember last time the topic came up (charming, eh?). Even if he did, what is there to say? It's just another day. I spent it alone, and I am not going to lie, I found it quite depressing. I went to sleep feeling okay though.

 

I had a great workout today, in a group exercise class I frequent, until the final cool down/stretching track came on. It was a song by one of his favorite bands. Not only that, before we split he purchased tickets for us to go see this band... tonight. Yup, fantastic. I had forgotten it was tonight until the song came on. It was instant waterworks as soon as I got into my car. I wonder who he is taking instead of me. I wonder if he'll think of me tonight while he is there. I wonder why I even care since I know we are not compatible.

 

I just keep making myself move, and stay busy. But, I don't feel I have any real plan or direction (on the romance front) other than actively working to understand, and eventually break, my pattern of choosing men who have a slew of problems. My therapist is gone until December, but she gave me the name of someone who is filling in for her. I'll see this other therapist in a couple weeks. I guess I'm just treading water and trying to not make too many splashes right now. I'm just trying to "be", but I feel sad and lonely and I wish I knew what else I could be doing to learn and move forward. I finished reading the book I referenced in this thread: Are you a woman who loves too much? It helped me identify some patterns in myself, but now what? I guess that's a good topic to talk about in a couple weeks. I have a two other "self-help" books my therapist recommended I read. I'll read them and think about them and be ready to discuss with her or this other therapist. I guess that's all I can do for now.

 

Sigh. Ok... I am not going to cry about this anymore tonight. Good thoughts and hope for the future. And, right now, I am going to make myself a delicious dinner!

Edited October 15, 2013 by ScienceGal

[AnyaNova]

You definitely deserve a delicious dinner. And you have the skills necessary to create one. Good for you. :-) I know people who could burn something trying to boil water (thankfully, I am not one of them). :-) You are taking so many positive steps and trying to work on yourself. I hear so much negativity towards yourself when you speak of yourself. I wish that you could see yourself as we see you. And part of me wonders if part of the main problem is that you don't think you deserve men who don't have a lot of problems. You do. But you will get there in time. Take care of yourself right now, and continue doing all the positive things that you are doing. You are not a loser, it shines through in every choice you are making right now. If your exes can't see that, then they never really knew you, did they?

[ScienceGal]

And part of me wonders if part of the main problem is that you don't think you deserve men who don't have a lot of problems.

 

This.

 

It's a big part of what I have been thinking about. The last couple of men I dated practically beat me over the head with the red flags they were waving. Yet, I somehow convinced myself that I should be with them. And the kicker is, I vividly remember feeling resistance in the beginning of both of those relationships. My gut said "noooo", but then my mouth said "yes, let's go out!". And then, I became emotionally invested. I felt I could love them enough to "earn" their love in return. I also thought they'd never hurt or leave me. Wrong on all accounts.

 

I don't feel like a loser. I just feel like I have a lot of work to do in order to get on the right track. My therapist said, that in my case, it might have to get worse before it gets better. Bring it on. I will get through this. Life will be better. I will be happy.

[ScienceGal]

It's been two months since ex left. I don't remember the last time I stayed single this long. I feel ok most days, but I am lonely. I feel like I want to date, but I don't know where/how to meet men. So, I've decided to work on building new friendships instead. I joined a meetup group and went to an event where I met 4 really great people. One woman seems to be in the exact same place in life that I am. I can see us becoming good friends. I'm hoping eventually I can meet dating prospects through these groups because I really don't want to do online dating.

 

I still think about ex, every day. Even though I know being separated is for the best and I fully accept it's over forever, my thoughts are still haunted by him. There is this void in my mind and heart and he is just standing there, like a place holder. I need to kick him out somehow! But, I know me, I won't stop thinking of him until I find someone new. My desire for love and companionship is so strong, and so important that the energy cannot be displaced. I'm struggling a bit to determine what I should be doing differently, if anything. I just want to meet the right man for me. I am a loving person, and I miss having a special someone in my life. I long for connection and intimacy.

 

I guess I will just keep on keepin' on.

[moontiger]

SG--I was wondering how you were doing, and that's the only reason I stopped by here again. Missed hearing about your life these last few months. I just now saw that you mentioned in a previous thread that you wish you knew me real life. I feel the same. We are pretty similar in many ways!

 

If it's some hope for you, as you may remember, I finally broke my pattern of dating men whom everyone but me recognized as either losers or non-losers who were just plain incompatible with me. At 32 or 33 (can't remember) I met a guy who was actually marriage material, and settled down. And here's the awesome thing: Marriage has been great, unlike any of my pre-marriage relationships. Since you and I have generally been on similar life tracks, I'm hoping that what happened to me happens for you, if that's what you want.

 

I'm sorry that your last relationship didn't work out. Well, let me rephrase that--I'm sorry that you're hurting. I didn't ever like "Charlie" or think he was the one for you. Not because of the incompatibilities you cite--I mean, different people do have different communication styles. My red flags were more this: He blew hot and cold. He dumped you when you were available, he mooned over you when you weren't. He approached you when you had another boyfriend, which is shady. He was hung up on his fantasy image of some long-ago ex. You broke up multiple times before this last attempt. All just signs of someone who isn't fully available. Those things were enough to make me think that while he might be an OK guy, a long-term relationship was not tenable. I'm glad you tried again in the sense that you don't have any doubt left that he isn't the right person. I am very sorry though that you got hurt.

 

You can totally get on track. As an outside observer I think it's pretty simple and universal; you--like most people--like having a partner. It also sounds like you are really attractive to men, so you very frequently get the opportunity to enter new relationships. So the only thing is that you have to be really discerning about the men you get into relationships with. And that is really a matter of willpower (turning down opportunities) and judgment (picking the right man).

 

As you are doing, I hope you take some time to heal and clear your head. Stay away from all of your ex-es. And during your time off, really evaluate what you look for in a man, thinking of the long-term, not of the short term. People may disagree with me, but the long-term questions are less "is someone going to be fun to talk to" than "is this person going to take the day off work when I am hooked up to chemo one day?" I.e. stability, loyalty, compassion, that kind of stuff. Not just "chemistry." Chemistry is nice, but it isn't enough. I guess you said that yourself.

 

It's great that even if you are feeling down, you never lose faith in love or stop trying. It's really a mark of courage to get hurt over and over and keep getting back up (though I hope with a little bit of extra caution in partner choices you will not run as high a risk of getting hurt).

 

I may be on and off LS--I don't use this site much, apart from occasional logins to either peek back at my own journal or see whether you are doing well. But as always thinking of you and wishing you well. I hope time has healed you a little from the loss of your father.

 

Love,

Moontiger

Edited November 17, 2013 by moontiger

[ScienceGal]

((Moontiger)),

 

Thank you so much for the sweet and supportive message.

 

I'm sorry to say that I've had a minor setback. Charlie reached out via email a couple weeks back wanting to meet. A day after receiving the message, I kindly declined. Around the same time I sent it, he decided (having not heard from me) that he would stop by my home. I wasn't there though, so he waited for over an hour outside in the cold. I woke up the next morning to a very long email about how he came to see me, and about all the love he feels for me, how he had something he wants to share with me. I didn't feel bad about him waiting outside since I had no idea. My friends described the message as selfish and manipulative (and he even described it as selfish). I broke though, and told him I would be willing to talk to him. I love him, and I did what I thought was right at the time. He showed up, again unannounced, that night.

 

We spoke for an hour or so, and a few more hours the following week. He told me that his parents had confronted him about his behavior, specifically how he can be exhausting and push people too far during conversations. I heard him, and told him that I thought it was very brave of him to be able to hear such a message and want to do something about it (rather than have an ego-driven reaction and write it off). But, I also pointed out that I brought those very things up during the relationship, and he didn't truly hear me.

 

The talks were fine, but I didn't get a clear indication things for us would get better. He came to me looking for comfort. He feels alone and depressed. (Side note: we hugged goodbye both times, nothing more). Ultimately, he wanted me to have something to offer that I could do differently. I explained that in the relationship we had, I couldn't do anything differently. All that I could do, I did. In a more tender and loving relationship, I would've been different because I am someone who responds to kindness. What we had was hard and I felt drained and defeated in the end.

 

But a spark lit inside of me during these two talks. I thought, "wow, he sees how he is, and he'll definitely want to change. Things can be better". I thought he would think it over and come back with a version of "I'm sorry, I love you, and I will do whatever it takes to make this work". Of course, he did not say any version of these words. In my opinion, he didn't seem to take on the full weight of how his behavior affected me and our relationship. I pointed this out to him today. We messaged for a while, and his story is that he did offer all that I was asking for, though perhaps not in the way I wanted to hear it. He apologized for not being able to communicate in a way that makes sense to me, and that he is not confused about what he wants. I felt immediate stomach pains and light-headed. I burst out into tears. Really? A communication issue? I told him that I have no idea how someone can care for someone the way he cares for me, and not convey it in a way that allows it to be heard and felt. He replied that he conveys it in a way that is true to him and how he loves, that it's too different from me and how I love and that's why it's not resonating with me. He ended with saying that it isn't a problem about him or me, but is a problem for us together as a couple, our problem. I told him I needed to step back from the conversation, that it was hurting me too much, and then I sent this:

 

"You exhaust and offend those who love you most, those who you claim to love. This is your problem. You want to sugar coat your issues by saying you're being true to who you are and how you love? Sounds like a great excuse (even if subconsciously) to be dramatic and delve into the depths of complexity and pain, which you actually seem to gravitate towards often. You can't seem to embrace simplicity or positive thinking. You even described yourself as difficult and hopelessly needy. I really think you have deeper issues, and I am not the only one who loves you that feels this way. Life is messy, and painful, and dark sometimes, but yours doesn't have to be as bad as you make it. I'm sorry if this seems cruel. There is a difference between being in a relationship and working through something like this, and discussing it from where we're at. We're clipping the final threads holding us together, so I figured it best to be brutally honest. I will always care for you, and I will always hope you find love that makes you feel truly satisfied".

 

I sent it about 12 hours ago and he hasn't sent anything else. Perhaps he's offended, or stopped because I asked him to. Perhaps just because it has to end somewhere. I don't know, but I'm glad he didn't send anything else.

 

I've never said or sent anything like that to him, but I've felt it and thought it for a while. I really felt I had to get it out. He is a troubled man, and I am a sick woman for loving him still. I can't help my feelings, but I can control my actions. I chose to walk right into it again. Needless to say, I'm having a rough night. I cried so hard I vomited. I feel so low and so lousy right now, the same way I did the night we separated almost 3 months ago. Most of all, I feel disappointed in myself because I allowed this to happen. My life is a loop, I could scroll back in this thread and read this same basic post. Round and round I go. I need someone to hammer into my skull "love is not enough". There is something wrong with me, I lose all logic and allow myself to be consumed by hope and emotion. I do this to myself, and I'm not sure any amount of self-help books or therapy can fix it. I'm not sure I am capable of finding the happy and healthy relationship I want. I hope to shake this off and come back with a positive perspective once again, but it's going to take some time.

 

-SG

Edited December 2, 2013 by ScienceGal

[ScienceGal]

I wanted to pop in and and say hello to everyone. I haven't been on LS lately, and I miss you all!

 

2014 has treated me well thus far. I've completely let go of ever wanting to reconcile with my ex. Taking 3 months off after the breakup was critical in my process of moving on. During that time I made some new, really great, friends and I filled my time doing things I enjoy. I built up a great sense of gratitude and appreciation for everything that I have in my life. I found a strong sense of peace and contentment in being alone. And then, a couple months ago, a man who I had met a while back through mutual friends contacted me. I got the "more than friends" vibe, and I decided to go for it. I got to know him more, and his is really great. He is so funny! I haven't laughed this much in a long time! He doesn't criticize me or judge. He is kind and honest. He is easy to talk to and be around. I went from being happy alone, to being really happy sharing my life with him.

 

The big difference for me is that I am not living in fear that the relationship might not work out. I am not making up scenarios in my head or trying to "read into" something that was done/said, or not done/said. I'm enjoying each moment, and letting go of the long-term vision (so to speak... we do want the same things, but I am not prematurely filling in the rest of my life with a fairytale ending involving him). I have let go of specific timelines for my desired goals (house, marriage, kids, etc.). I choose to live in the present. And, though I really care for him and might even love him at some point, I don't need him to exist in this world. He doesn't define me. I'd be very hurt if it ended, but I wouldn't be ruined. Acknowledging that was very important for me.

 

I am being 100 % myself, and the stress has lifted from me, it is amazing. I am imperfect, but I am enough. And, so is he. And, so are you.

 

Lots of love,

SG

Edited March 9, 2014 by ScienceGal