Unbelievable! Very Good Friend told me she is cheating on her Husband..

[ComingInHot]

You have GOT to be joking, right?!?!!????

 

So, I call her to wish her Merry Xmas - silence. I text her Happy Holidays two days later - silence. I call her (a bit worried at this point as very out of character) to wish Happy New yr - Silence. Then one final Text a day later Happy New Yr - SILENCE!!!

 

I knew at this point something was up but know her well enough to know she'll out w/it when she's ready, about whatever's going on w/her.

 

This morning I get the text... told husband I want out yesterday asked for D. Sorry didn't respond. Wanted to deal w/it on my own first. Talk later tonight.

 

I UNDERSTAND she is in an unhealthy marriage. I UNDERSTAND she as needs/wants that husband doesn't fulfill. I UNDERSTAND she is an outgoing crazy fun woman who is social and has worked hard on her personal, mental and physical health looking better than ever.

 

But, but, but, heeeeeeeellllllllpppppp Me here people! She KNOWS my story. She has seen my pain. My anger. My struggle through the recovery. And I'M THE FIRST PERSON SHE TELLS??!!??

 

I don't even know you guys. I don't even, I don't even know what to write.

 

Please, PLEASE help me to know what to say, how to say, when to say. I normally have great direction so I apologize for being all scattered...

[CantgetoveritNY]

She is in the A fog. What if anything can you say to someone so deep in the A fog?

[KraftDinner]

I don't get it...her text mentions wanting a D but doesn't say anything about cheating....?

[ComingInHot]

Okay yep, sorry. She called me tonight. Just a bit ago actually. She started it w/what her text read and I told her I wasn't surprised. I've watched them for years. I'm her closest friend outside of her immediate family. I can see why she was ready to move on w/her kids. Husband is a nice person just a little on the unmotivated side (being polite).

 

She just sounded sooooo happy. Not upset or sad or even relieved. So I asked her, "does he have a name?" Whaaaat? She says then giggles. It felt like a kick in the gut.

 

That's when she texted me pics of the man who is under the impression the D has been in process for "some time now". Another kick.

 

I had to hang up take care of family and regroop but that's why I'm here. Having difficulty regrouping...

[2.50 a gallon]

As Cant.. says she is in the fog and is infatuated with this new man and her new life, so confronting her might be of little use.

 

The kids, are they just hers, like from a previous relationship, or is her husband the father?

 

In which case she is definitely screwing with their lives by screwing with her new man. Although the WAW spouse likes to claim that the kids will be OK, the truth is kids are always affected with the break up of their family, their safety net

[ComingInHot]

Her A has only been full on for two weeks. How thick can the fog be? And is this an exit A? But why? She is expecting me to listen, be there. This isn't an aquaintence I can just flip the switch on.

 

My husband already blocked her on fb as he wants No part of that and said however god of a friend I am and how much I care about her, I should think long and hard before going forward.

 

Which means a loooong night.....

[ComingInHot]

2.50 G;

Her husband is the father of their children. Both their kids are besties w/our kids but our move out of state has lessoned the contact.

 

I am beginning to feel angry. My holy heaven their kids!!!

[Ninja'sHusband]

2.50 G;

Her husband is the father of their children. Both their kids are besties w/our kids but our move out of state has lessoned the contact.

 

I am beginning to feel angry. My holy heaven their kids!!!

Oh man that's so hard...on everyone including you. What a terrible position to put everyone around her in. Affairs thrive on secrecy, remember that...

[2.50 a gallon]

Two weeks is plenty of time.

 

My Ex-fiance, told me to have no hopes of us ever being boy friend and girl friend, as I was too short, too skinny, too old (28 vs her 22) and too poor (I was a T-shirt and blue jeans guy, she was very attractive and into dating suits, and actually had two guys on the hook, taking her to the most expensive places in town). I got one date with her to take her fishing, caught the same, took her back to my place for a fish fry, and two bottles of wine later, I took her home at 4 in the morning. 6 o'clock that evening, less than 24 hours later, she showed up at my door with a bottle of wine and wanting a repeat, and the two suits were history.

Edited January 18, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[2.50 a gallon]

CIH

 

Back to the thought that the kids will be OK with the break up of the family.

 

Quite often once they grow up and reach adulthood, they will turn on the parent who broke up their family.

 

Prior to my GF and I getting our own place I lived in a large family apartment complex. One of the long time residents was an older woman named Grandma Marie. She loved kids and it just so happened all the kids who went to the local school two blocks away had to pass by her apartment and everyday she would be out on her patio to greet and talk to them.

 

On the inside of her apartment the walls were covered with blowups of her grandchildren, who lived out of state. And given the chance she would talk your ear off telling you all about them.

 

Then one day I went to that same school to watch the Little League All Stars play and ran into an old friend from high school who was watching his grandson play. As it turned out, Grandma Marie was actually his real mother. She had cheated on their father and remarried her rich and much older boss, while the kids were still in grade school. Some how the father was able to eventually get custody of him and his siblings after he remarried. That is when I knew him.

 

He, his brother and his sister still lived in our city. It was only another brother who had moved away. None of them wanted anything to do with "the "%hore" as he called her. At the urging of their father and step mother they would occassionaly send her a Christmas card enclosing a family portrait. And not wanting her to know where they lived would send it to their out of state brother for remailing.

 

She never knew that one of her dozen or more great grandchildren played baseball two block from her house. And that most of her family lived less than 10 miles away.

 

She never got to see much less hold any of her grand children, great grand children and when she passed away she did not know that the first of her great great grand daughters had been born in a hospital about a mile away.

Edited January 18, 2013 by 2.50 a gallon

[waterwoman]

Oh dear:(

 

I'd tell her that I wished her well but bearing in mind my history I cannot get involved in the details of her affair. It hurts and outrages me too much, much as I care for her. Unless she is the most self-absorbed selfish woman on the planet she should be able to understand.

 

Has she told her H that she is in an affair?

[BetrayedH]

CIH,

 

Your H is on the right path. Distance yourself from your gf.

 

She's lying to her H and cheating on him; she's also lying to the new man about her D. You know how the H will feel. And yes, now the kids will come from a broken home. You can try to influence her (the words will come; you're a smart girl) but the fact is that she's not going to change her mind over your friendship. She'll get resentful of your "lack of support" and you'll have to cut her off.

 

Honestly, this is one of those "consequences" that she needs to suffer. If you give her a soft landing, she won't hit rock bottom and change. She needs to see that with this behavior, you lose family and friends and so forth. If you care for her (and her family), don't support her affair.

 

And get used to this. Once your eyes are open to infidelity, you start to see it everywhere. It takes a few of these events to get your footing. You know what you believe and you're well-versed at this; but you have to learn to stand your ground.

[BetrayedH]

ETA: my gf's best friend is single and in an affair with a MM. We still interact with her but she's not a best friend to my gf anymore. And she knows what she can expect from us. I eventually got her onto LS as the MM is a typical one that future-fakes big-time (even though he just had another child with his wife). It's messy because we haven't gone NC with her; she's in that position of wanting to end the A and has tried to go NC with him several times so we're supportive of that. But she has distanced herself from us because she knows our position and she can't seem to stop altogether. We're very consistent. I guess I'm just saying that you don't necessarily need to cut her off altogether but you do need to find your voice and keep it.

[bentnotbroken]

Wow!!!............

[road]

Cominginhot you must tell the BH.

[Snowflower]

Her A has only been full on for two weeks. How thick can the fog be? And is this an exit A? But why? She is expecting me to listen, be there. This isn't an aquaintence I can just flip the switch on.

 

My husband already blocked her on fb as he wants No part of that and said however god of a friend I am and how much I care about her, I should think long and hard before going forward.

 

Which means a loooong night.....

 

Your H has the right idea. Kudos to him, a xWS who actually gets it!

 

What I say next is operating under the assumption that since she is a close friend of yours, she knows about H's affair and how much it impacted you.

 

Okay, so continuing under that assumption, your friend is a selfish, self-centered witch. Sorry. She knows how you feel about infidelity. She knows that you know how much pain it causes to children, and to the unsuspecting spouse. And she sits there to you and blabs about how happy she is?

 

If I were you, I would be royally p!ssed off. I would also reconsider my friendship with this person.

 

And come to think of it, even if she doesn't know about your former experience with infidelity, her gleeful attitude about betrayal and deception tells you what kind of person she is.

[ComingInHot]

Thank You Everyone for the Support & advice. My husband & I talked til about two a.m..

 

At one point, he said, "it's not about you" and I was actually mad he said that until of course I realized he was ... right.

 

It isn't about Me and even though it hurt me, it doesn't have to have anything to do w/me unless I let it.

 

She rang me this morning. I didn't answer. No message left. Thank God.

 

I CANNOT support her in this. It would do too much damage to my soul. I REFUSE to keep secrets For her because she wants to talk to me about the highs and lows of her A. And I'd be a hypocrite if I did.

 

So, it's not in me to just ignore her and it's Not in her to be ignored so one more conversation saying... what?.?.

 

Something like, " It means so much that you feel I am the closest person in your life to "share w/me something so..life-changing? I believe you may be thinking that since I've been through and dealt w/an A I'd... understand? And I Do see how you ended up here. I do see that you have wanted to end your marriage for a long time. I get where you are because , ... what... I married a cheater?.?. However, & I know it's been a while, I was the one cheated On. Do You remember My pain? It's probably hard to see through your A happiness but seeing you as a cheater brings back a lot of pain. More so because I care about you and our friendship. I have to be honest and tell you I am not in a position (in any aspect of my life) to be the type of friend you are looking for at this point. " Then what guys tell her to ring me when the nuclear dust has settled??

 

Ugh. I'm SO much more articulate than this!

[ComingInHot]

Snowflower;

EXACTLY!!! That was one of the reasons I started getting Really angry after the initial "shock" wore off.

 

Did she really think I'd be, what? Excited for her?! Happy for her?! Supportive!?!

 

She held my hair back while vomited, cried etc... And now this?

 

It is selfish All way around...

[NotCamelot]

She is into something both new and exhilerating to her....wrong though it may be. She can't wait to tell you about the "new thing she just got"!

 

Why not tell her: "Look, I've been on the same side as the husband you want to leave. The thoughts of and hearing what you have been and are doing is tearing me apart. If you care about me and consider me your friend, then please don't talk to me about any of this as it opens wounds that I am trying to heal. Please consider that before you text or call. Thank you."

[Snowflower]

Snowflower;

EXACTLY!!! That was one of the reasons I started getting Really angry after the initial "shock" wore off.

 

Did she really think I'd be, what? Excited for her?! Happy for her?! Supportive!?!

 

She held my hair back while vomited, cried etc... And now this?

 

It is selfish All way around...

 

So, at one time she was that close of a friend to you who helped you through something so horrific. That is sad. She probably doesn't even grasp what she is doing to you.

 

Basically, I would tell her something like this post above and then say at this time you cannot continue the friendship. Maybe in the future, if her behavior changes/she makes different choices, then maybe, but no guarantees.

 

I just recently cut a friend out of my life because of her behavior with other people's husbands. (she is married too, albeit unhappily) She does not know what happened with my H and I but there is no room in my life for people like that. She was not a close, close friend, but a friend nonetheless.

 

Like you say, it would damage something in my soul.

[ComingInHot]

Not Camelot;

Short, concise, and to the point. It is good. Hard because I tend to want to follow up w/support etc but then that would be involving myself and I just can't.

Thank you.

 

You too Snow*

[ComingInHot]

Road;

Oh God, I hadn't even though of that.

 

I don't Want to.

[jwi71]

I respectfully disagree.

 

Your friend needs you NOW more than ever.

 

So go to her. Help her. Don't shut her out.

 

If you believe that D is best for them - say so. Support her through it.

If you find her A abhorrent then say so and REFUSE to support her. Refuse to meet the OM.

If her H asks you, be honest. Tell your friend you will NOT lie for her. Period.

 

An A does NOT solely define a person. It's not some unwashable stain on life's fabric.

 

Go to her. Meet her. Support her.

If she is seeking support in her A then you are optimally positioned to encourage her to end it. You can't do that from the outside.

 

Enlist your H. Invite your friend over and she can speak of her A - which will give YOUR H a learning (and teaching opportunity). It may also help your friend. And you. And your M.

 

Would you do thoroughly shun her if she divulged a drug problem?

 

Help her. Don't turn your back.

[Decorative]

Not Camelot;

Short, concise, and to the point. It is good. Hard because I tend to want to follow up w/support etc but then that would be involving myself and I just can't.

Thank you.

 

You too Snow*

 

What NotCamelot said is pretty close to what one of my friends said for the OW we just outed- she was tight with the OW, but when she learned of what the OW was doing- she could not handle that.

 

( mind you- this OW is a serial OW who has had at least 6 known affairs)

 

And it has been hard for her not to offer support- because of their history, but not supporting her in destructive behavior is actually the best thing she can do for her.

[whichwayisup]

Okay yep, sorry. She called me tonight. Just a bit ago actually. She started it w/what her text read and I told her I wasn't surprised. I've watched them for years. I'm her closest friend outside of her immediate family. I can see why she was ready to move on w/her kids. Husband is a nice person just a little on the unmotivated side (being polite).

 

She just sounded sooooo happy. Not upset or sad or even relieved. So I asked her, "does he have a name?" Whaaaat? She says then giggles. It felt like a kick in the gut.

 

That's when she texted me pics of the man who is under the impression the D has been in process for "some time now". Another kick.

 

I had to hang up take care of family and regroop but that's why I'm here. Having difficulty regrouping...

 

She didn't reveal the A..You kind of opened that door by asking what his name was. She never mentioned it to you before and there's a good possibility she wasn't going to tell you, even though she told you about the D.

 

like it or not, it's her life and she isn't going to live her life to your standards or remember what you went through so she won't make mistakes that will hurt others, even her husband..

 

Distance yourself from her and when she asks, tell her why.

 

Honestly, she seems 'happy' and doesn't need 'support'. She chose to D, isn't that upset by it and is into another guy. blunt, but that simple. She has family she can go to, other friends, so don't feel bad or guilty about not being around her.

Edited January 18, 2013 by whichwayisup