Unbelievable! Very Good Friend told me she is cheating on her Husband..

[KathyM]

It sounds like she was avoiding you initially because she knows how you were hurt by infidelity. I think it's good that you are not trying to be a supportive friend that enables the infidelity. I was put in that role by a very good friend of mine when she had an affair with a married man. She had an open relationship with her husband, but her MAP did not, and he was a serial cheater whose wife was in the dark about his affairs. I wish now that I had not been her sounding board about the affair. I told my friend many times that I thought she was playing with fire, she was making a mistake, etc., etc., but still I listened to her talk about the affair and I should not have. I should have distanced myself from her, rather than enable her. Providing support to someone who is being destructive to others is enabling them. Withdrawing support helps them to realize that there are consequences to their hurtful actions. I didn't know the name of my friend's MM or his wife, so I was not in the situation you are now, but I think you should go with your conscience, and if you lose a friend in the process because you did the right thing and were honest, then so be it.

[woinlove]

She told you because she cares about you and hopes you love her enough to not hate her even though she knows your situation.

 

I hope this is her situation. I've seen WS so caught up in themselves during the heat of the A, that they just could not focus on the needs of others.

 

CIH, I suppose if you talked to her about this and explained how it made you feel, you would get some idea of what state your friend is in and whether she is too self-focussed right now or is able to think about you too.

 

Even if she is self-focussed and selfish, it is not necessarily a permanent state, so if you need to back away now (and I think you should do whatever makes you feel better), you can still leave a crack open for a future repaired friendship. If she isn't so selfish right now, then she will understand and it will be easier to reconnect when she moves on from the A and is dealing with things openly.

 

I hope it all works out for you and that you don't lose a good friend.

[ComingInHot]

Act two;

You actually raised a good point I think may be worth saying HOWEVER I do Not have much more than...

 

I asked her if this OM she was seeing was all "gungho" about her "speeding up the divorce" etc. Her response was Not what I expected. She said that he said (I HATE the he said/she said game!) He was Not for it BUT she (and I honestly don't remember the actual word she used) "worked" on him or "talked " to him and now he's fine w/it.

 

She said she would explain another time so that's all I know. Honestly, it was kind of another disappointment.

 

So, as carbonitecammy said, I have gotten a-lot of great advice from different perspectives. I REALLY thought posting here would make it easier and I guess in a way it has.

 

I feel like I have to things going on my gut.

A. Be supportive in Any way I can Aside from the A. (Doesn't distance allow for this?)

B. Actually Out my good friend's affair to her husband. ( that doesn't sound too friendly or nice either)

[ComingInHot]

For the life of me I can't remember who wrote (I think two of you so far) mentioned I need to watch my back... I DO realize this. She Has crushed on my husband. She didn't proposition him rather me in a way. I completely thought she was totally just joking.

 

Fortunately, my husband doesn't like to see me taken advantage of and during our friendship it did appear to him that way most times and that she was not the best "influence" on me. (Thought that was pretty funny when he was the WH part of that time)

 

Affairs make people so assbackwards!

 

I am going to step out for a while and read the responses again and think, pray long and hard. I'll check back in later to give my status*

 

Hey, thanks again people.

[seren]

CIH, I was in the position where my very good friend told me she was having an A, both she and her husband were our friends, but she has been my lifelong friend, so over 54 years of friendship, she is more like a sister. I told her that if she didn't tell her H, then I would, she didn't, I did. I posted here and was slated by some. It has worked out for the best, thankfully, she and her H are well on the road to reconciling and we have helped them when asked.

 

I too felt torn, part of me wanted to be her sounding board, to allow her to talk about this are in her life, the other, the part of me that had been betrayed, the one that was friends with her H, just couldn't do that. I also knew the OM was very, very destructive, but that wasn't my motivation. I questioned if my motives were more to do with my feelings about my situation than helping her with hers. Thing is, it is really hard to separate the two. I do know that prior to my D Day I wouldn't have supported the A, but I would, did and have always supported her.

 

I would let her know how difficult it is for you, I would also ask if her H knows and if she is going to let him know and also how torn you are about letting him know, having been in that situation yourself and knowing how hurtful that is. I would support her with her feelings, and I would fight off anyone else I heard talking about her. Sometimes that is all we can do.

[road]

 

B. Actually Out my good friend's affair to her husband. ( that doesn't sound too friendly or nice either)

 

 

 

So it is nicer to see this BH get screwed over by his WW, and you can stop it but won't.

 

To you this is being nicer?

 

Freinds like that who needs enemies.

[road]

CIH, I was in the position where my very good friend told me she was having an A, both she and her husband were our friends, but she has been my lifelong friend, so over 54 years of friendship, she is more like a sister. I told her that if she didn't tell her H, then I would, she didn't, I did. I posted here and was slated by some. It has worked out for the best, thankfully, she and her H are well on the road to reconciling and we have helped them when asked.

 

I too felt torn, part of me wanted to be her sounding board, to allow her to talk about this are in her life, the other, the part of me that had been betrayed, the one that was friends with her H, just couldn't do that. I also knew the OM was very, very destructive, but that wasn't my motivation. I questioned if my motives were more to do with my feelings about my situation than helping her with hers. Thing is, it is really hard to separate the two. I do know that prior to my D Day I wouldn't have supported the A, but I would, did and have always supported her.

 

I would let her know how difficult it is for you, I would also ask if her H knows and if she is going to let him know and also how torn you are about letting him know, having been in that situation yourself and knowing how hurtful that is. I would support her with her feelings, and I would fight off anyone else I heard talking about her. Sometimes that is all we can do.

 

 

Thank you for being brave enough to do the right thing.

[ComingInHot]

road;

Trust me. You are coming in loud and clear.

I know what I have to do.

I don't have to like it.

 

I just needed 24 hours to get my words together (with the help of You & the LS crew).

 

and to piss and moan about it a little too...

 

PLAN:

I'm going to call her back tomorrow. Things will be settled. I care enough about her and even more about her kids to offer my support in helping her be honest w/herself, her husband.

I guess I care enough to risk the friendship

[BetrayedH]

road;

Trust me. You are coming in loud and clear.

I know what I have to do.

I don't have to like it.

 

I just needed 24 hours to get my words together (with the help of You & the LS crew).

 

and to piss and moan about it a little too...

 

PLAN:

I'm going to call her back tomorrow. Things will be settled. I care enough about her and even more about her kids to offer my support in helping her be honest w/herself, her husband.

I guess I care enough to risk the friendship

 

There's the voice I was talking about.

[ComingInHot]

BetrayedH;

You make me smile!

[Ninja'sHusband]

CIH, I was in the position where my very good friend told me she was having an A, both she and her husband were our friends, but she has been my lifelong friend, so over 54 years of friendship, she is more like a sister. I told her that if she didn't tell her H, then I would, she didn't, I did. I posted here and was slated by some. It has worked out for the best, thankfully, she and her H are well on the road to reconciling and we have helped them when asked.

 

I too felt torn, part of me wanted to be her sounding board, to allow her to talk about this are in her life, the other, the part of me that had been betrayed, the one that was friends with her H, just couldn't do that. I also knew the OM was very, very destructive, but that wasn't my motivation. I questioned if my motives were more to do with my feelings about my situation than helping her with hers. Thing is, it is really hard to separate the two. I do know that prior to my D Day I wouldn't have supported the A, but I would, did and have always supported her.

 

I would let her know how difficult it is for you, I would also ask if her H knows and if she is going to let him know and also how torn you are about letting him know, having been in that situation yourself and knowing how hurtful that is. I would support her with her feelings, and I would fight off anyone else I heard talking about her. Sometimes that is all we can do.

I remember that thread and was incredibly impressed Seren. That whole thing came to mind immediately when I saw CIH's thread but couldn't remember it was you Now that you've spoken up, here's the thread:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/infidelity/332368-disclosure

 

 

CIH, my method of disclosure was a simple packet, though I didn't know the BW at all so it seemed appropriate. I just put a note on the top saying her H had done something very hurtful and wanted to give her the opportunity to read it. Then inside I disclosed the affair and said I would withhold details until the later pages, that way she could ask me or her H for specific info if she'd rather not know everything. The 2nd sentence after I said there was an affair was that her WH loved her and wanted to stay with her, I figured that was the first thing she'd need to hear after such a blow. Unfortunately in this case, might not be true =\. I dropped off the packet into her hands while her H was at work one day. It was the most humane way I could think of. I stuck around in the circle outside the house for about 10 minutes in case she wanted to talk. She didn't come out. I called her a couple months later. She had hated me at first, then understood, she said she had been through the entire range of emotions. The point is, you don't know what the reaction will be. It can explode badly is what I was warned of. That's another reason I did the packet thing. Good luck if you go for it. Very brave if you do.

Edited January 19, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Decorative]

road;

Trust me. You are coming in loud and clear.

I know what I have to do.

I don't have to like it.

 

I just needed 24 hours to get my words together (with the help of You & the LS crew).

 

and to piss and moan about it a little too...

 

PLAN:

I'm going to call her back tomorrow. Things will be settled. I care enough about her and even more about her kids to offer my support in helping her be honest w/herself, her husband.

I guess I care enough to risk the friendship

 

This is the right thing to do.

 

I know that anxiety feeling. When we told the BS a few weeks ago- after we hit send- my stomach hurt for a long time. I knew it was right- but you know the mess that comes after, and you don't wish that on anyone.

 

But the truth matters. It's important. And we have been able to watch the BS take charge of her own life - and that has been really really a good thing.

 

Good luck !!!

[beenburned]

CIH,

 

I wish you strength as you decide how to handle this situation. It is never easy for anyone.

 

My d-day occurred when a co-workers wife/friend called to tell me what all my H and all his cheating co-workers/friends had been up to!

 

My D's d-day occurred when OW#1 called to tell her about her H's 4 year affair with her and also during this time he had OW#2!

 

Most BS's are very glad someone had the courage to tell them.(even if their motive was anger at the WS, like D's OW)

[ComingInHot]

So I had a thought. Tell me if you think it's a cop out or a good idea. (Actually I already know you all will tell me either way )

 

I'm planning on calling her in a bit to tell her how much I care about her and that I support her that she has decided after years of trying, to D. I thought then I would honestly and sincerely explain that having an A is wrong and something I cannot support. I have to believe she will see where I would believe that.

I am hoping that through her "A high" she will be able to not just acknowledge it's wrong but have a moment of clarity to the extent of how wrong and the damage that will come of it. I don't know how much time I will have at this point... Finally tell her that BH needs to know and soon.

 

My idea is:

She has sisters that are all VERY close. Much more than me. They all like me though and there is one I particular that seems to be the most family oriented, level headed one. They call her the "good child"*.

What if I told her?

I think this sister is someone who can say what she needs to hear. If the sister chooses to talk to Wsister. I am certain sister won't question my sincerety.

 

A twentyfour hour time-line. Then I call BS.?.?

 

I feel like I'M ASKING for so much drama! Just INVITING it in and offering it a drink and a seat at my table. Yuck.

 

So cop out or good plan?

[beenburned]

I like the plan of calling her and telling her you support her in getting out of a marriage that she has been unhappy in for a long time.

 

Then go on to say, but I can't support you having an affair because I know firsthand the added destruction it brings to the spouse, marriage, and family.

[Oberfeldwebel]

I don't think that creating dissension with her family is a good idea. You need to stand up for what you believe not play it off for somebody else to be the bad guy. You cannot eat your cake and have it to, in this situation. I recommend if you are her friend that you be a friend to her and be honest, that way you will have no regrets. Encourage her to do the right thing and be honest with her husband. If her relationship with this Barney, then she should be happy to announce it to the world. If it is not then she will want to hide it as her dirty little secret. You can wish her well, but you don't have to participate.

 

It is my guess, she will want to distance herself from you as she will not to be admonished for her behavior. If you have any insightful things to look for in the children, that she needs to look for in their behavior (acting out, counseling, etc) that would be an act of a friend as well. Hopefully in time she will see the error of her ways, but only time will tell. Best of luck to you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Dang, I forgot part of my story when I told the other BW....I actually emailed the OM and urged him to tell his wife. People yelled at me saying he could thwart me because of that, but I don't regret what I did. I didn't outright say "I'm gonna tell your wife tonight if you don't" I said my will to keep the secret was cracking and that he should tell. He argued with me, so I went ahead and did it.

 

So yeah I think its ok to give her some kinda chance first

[Betrayed&Stayed]

So I had a thought. Tell me if you think it's a cop out or a good idea. (Actually I already know you all will tell me either way )

 

I'm planning on calling her in a bit to tell her how much I care about her and that I support her that she has decided after years of trying, to D. I thought then I would honestly and sincerely explain that having an A is wrong and something I cannot support. I have to believe she will see where I would believe that.

I am hoping that through her "A high" she will be able to not just acknowledge it's wrong but have a moment of clarity to the extent of how wrong and the damage that will come of it. I don't know how much time I will have at this point... Finally tell her that BH needs to know and soon.

 

My idea is:

She has sisters that are all VERY close. Much more than me. They all like me though and there is one I particular that seems to be the most family oriented, level headed one. They call her the "good child"*.

What if I told her?

I think this sister is someone who can say what she needs to hear. If the sister chooses to talk to Wsister. I am certain sister won't question my sincerety.

 

A twentyfour hour time-line. Then I call BS.?.?

 

I feel like I'M ASKING for so much drama! Just INVITING it in and offering it a drink and a seat at my table. Yuck.

 

So cop out or good plan?

 

This is called Triangulation; and it is a bad idea. It will only add to the drama. Keep it simple and one-on-one.

[bentnotbroken]

Great post' date=' don't stab your friend in the back[/quote']

 

 

Revealing isn't stabbing anyone in the back.

[bentnotbroken]

You are making your own situation priority here, you have no thought for your friend, you are being selfish and thoughtless by not understanding her and thinking only about your own situation and how it affects you.

 

I told the BS by the way but i was in no way privileged to that information by someone who I was supposed to be friends with. You are her friend, you are there to help her not betray her. Disgusting that you even think of involving yourself,. yuck. You do not deserve friends.

 

 

You don't see the irony in these words do you? :confused:Disgusting to tell the truth but not to be faithful....hmm. Selfish and thoughtless (which gives you and idea of perceptions..this thread has gone on for pages..thoughtless doesn't describe her OP processes) for not understanding cheating...again...hmm. Why should she understand it? Why should she leave that BS in the dark? Because that is what some people would do? Yeah...maybe one day...

[Darth Vader]

Road;

Oh God, I hadn't even though of that.

 

I don't Want to.

 

 

You have to tell her husband, because if you don't, then you are enabling her to cheat on her husband and expose him to STD's!

 

Go ahead! Send her husband all the photo's she sent you as proof of her affair. Scared that your friendship is over? HONEY! It's already over! Tell her husband so her husband can drop the hag! Don't force her husband to live a LIE!

[Darth Vader]

jwi;

What you wrote was my first instinct. How can I "help" her. What can I say to support and offer advice as a friend should. I'm important to her.

 

No she is not a "good" friend. But I Am! It hurts to think of turning my back on Anyone if I think I can help & they have a need.

 

This is Not her first "tryst". But it IS the first time her emotions are "involved" ...

 

Definitely, your post hits a nerve...

 

 

If this isn't her first affair, does her husband know about that/those one/s?

 

Please lady, help her husband out of the Hell Hole he's living in. Would you want to know to make a decision about your life? I think you already know that answer! Do the right thing, help her husband!

[Almond_Joy]

Maybe I'm out of my element because I've never been in CIH's position. But I have been cheated on - my SO had an EA for months, then a PA for another few months before breaking up with me. I didn't find out until months after my SO left that there was someone else, and even then I only found out because I did some investigating.

 

Until I found out, the process of recovery was painful and confusing. I didn't know that my partner had simply fallen for someone else. Had I known that at the time of the breakup, I wouldn't have spent months wondering how I could fix things. I could have moved on with my life a lot sooner, as the SO had already done long ago.

 

I used to think that a friend should never get involved with the romantic life of another friend.....but in the case of a universally vile thing as cheating, after reading this thread, I realized I would be truly grateful to have a friend like CIH in my life. A friend that cares enough about right and wrong and the well-being of all those involved in her life to make sure the truth is known.

 

I hope sometime down the line your friend realizes what a great friend you are, CIH. Hope things go well for you with the talk with your friend and that you do okay with the ensuing fallout. Even if your friend doesn't appreciate it, you're doing what's right, and that's what counts most.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

just amazes me. Do I understand the pain you went through if your spouse had a PA???? No and my apologies and condolences what you have gone through, but you projecting your pain and nastiness on others is not healthy.

 

CIH is friends with this woman, not the husband. She acknowledges a bad marriage her friend has tried to leave for years (and yes it is sad there are children involved).

 

Her friend has FINALLY proceeded with a D (and I am taking CIH's word for it) from a bad marriage, so sorry that to me it is not her position to blow up her world and expose to all.

 

So another man is finally the impetus to leave. Not the best of situations, but not terrible. Yes she talks to her about the divorce, confirms she has her head about her and it is not just about sex and the OM. CIH has said this has been in the works for years and the affair is only the last 2 weeks.

 

However CIH also tells her in no uncertain words that she has no interest hearing about the OM and all that crap and do her best to ensure she is not in a fog. Tell her to talk to her sisters or others, but you will not be party 'til she is DIVORCED to discuss at all the OM.

 

I really find it scary that you all just scream EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE and that all is black and white and never stop and think it through.

 

Trust me if I found my friend's spouse was having an affair I'd expose it. However if my friend was having an affair I'd not support it, talk to him or her about if they approached me (or I found out about it) but certainly would not tell the spouse who I'm know (and maybe friendly) through only my PRIMARY friendship.

[BetrayedH]

You are her friend' date=' you are there to help her not betray her. Disgusting that you even think of involving yourself,. yuck. You do not deserve friends.[/quote']

 

Nonsense. A friend doesn't pour an alcoholic another drink.

 

There's also the BS to consider. Does he deserve to just suffer thru the divorce, blaming himself entirely, and probably trying to win her back while she "giggles" with her AP about it?

 

CIH is one of the most compassionate posters here, especially with OW. Your vitriol is misguided and misdirected. Pretty ridiculous to try to turn this around and say that CIH is the betrayer.