Unbelievable! Very Good Friend told me she is cheating on her Husband..

[2long]

Road's right. It might seem the hardest thing for you 2 do, but think about the suffering YOU will go through keeping this dirty little secret FOR HER. You'll be enabling the affair.

 

Think about telling the truth and what that means. The truth only hurts those who would rather hide something ugly, like an affair. If her affair is so good for her and the OM, then they should be delighted 2 have the world know all about it. And if the truth comes out and everyone is excited for them, they can go forward and happily flail away with a clear conscience. The BH will be hurt by the affair (NOT the truth), of course, but he's going 2 have 2 deal with it at some point anyway. So help him (and her) out here by letting them deal with reality rather than helping her 2 perpe2ate this selfish, destructive fantasy.

 

You'll feel better about yourself when you do.

 

-ol' 2long

[ComingInHot]

jwi;

What you wrote was my first instinct. How can I "help" her. What can I say to support and offer advice as a friend should. I'm important to her.

 

No she is not a "good" friend. But I Am! It hurts to think of turning my back on Anyone if I think I can help & they have a need.

 

This is Not her first "tryst". But it IS the first time her emotions are "involved" ...

 

Definitely, your post hits a nerve...

[Decorative]

jwi;

What you wrote was my first instinct. How can I "help" her. What can I say to support and offer advice as a friend should. I'm important to her.

 

No she is not a "good" friend. But I Am! It hurts to think of turning my back on Anyone if I think I can help & they have a need.

 

This is Not her first "tryst". But it IS the first time her emotions are "involved" ...

 

Definitely, your post hits a nerve...

 

Gently.... You are a good and kind person. You, because that's your default setting, want to see that in other people. And sometimes it isn't there. And you cannot fix other people. You can love them, for sure, but you cannot fix someone else. You're terrific- but you're not that powerful.

 

I have had to let certain relationships go, because they became unhealthy for me. I wonder if you sat back and looked at the history of your entire friendship - trysts on her part aside- if you would see a full picture of a healthy friendship ?

[Snowflower]

I respectfully disagree.

 

Your friend needs you NOW more than ever.

 

So go to her. Help her. Don't shut her out.

 

If you believe that D is best for them - say so. Support her through it.

If you find her A abhorrent then say so and REFUSE to support her. Refuse to meet the OM.

If her H asks you, be honest. Tell your friend you will NOT lie for her. Period.

 

An A does NOT solely define a person. It's not some unwashable stain on life's fabric.

 

Go to her. Meet her. Support her.

If she is seeking support in her A then you are optimally positioned to encourage her to end it. You can't do that from the outside.

 

Enlist your H. Invite your friend over and she can speak of her A - which will give YOUR H a learning (and teaching opportunity). It may also help your friend. And you. And your M.

 

Would you do thoroughly shun her if she divulged a drug problem?

 

Help her. Don't turn your back.

 

Interesting take on this situation and this approach is something to think about. Her H did say that he was not interested in involving himself with this friend (blocking on FB).

 

I would still cut her out of my life at least for now, but that is just me and I did just do that to someone.

 

Maybe there are better approaches though.

 

CIH, follow your instincts on this. You're one smart lady and you will know what is best for you!

[ComingInHot]

Decorative;

Thank You.*

My husband "recapped" our friendship last night too. The sum being pretty much what you just wrote.

 

She IS Good. Multi-talented. Driven. Yet not he most committed person I've met.

 

I think the fact that I know the only lasting relationships she's had is w/her immediate family and then, me made ME feel well, special.

 

Maybe it's the part of me that is ego fueled in knowing I have a gift of helping other to "change" is what really has me going back & forth on this.

 

That's self-centered of me, GEEZ! I think intrinsically I WANT to have the power to Make her change.

 

Reality check... I can't.

 

#&$*%%$!!!!!

[Decorative]

Decorative;

Thank You.*

My husband "recapped" our friendship last night too. The sum being pretty much what you just wrote.

 

She IS Good. Multi-talented. Driven. Yet not he most committed person I've met.

 

I think the fact that I know the only lasting relationships she's had is w/her immediate family and then, me made ME feel well, special.

 

Maybe it's the part of me that is ego fueled in knowing I have a gift of helping other to "change" is what really has me going back & forth on this.

 

That's self-centered of me, GEEZ! I think intrinsically I WANT to have the power to Make her change.

 

Reality check... I can't.

 

#&$*%%$!!!!!

 

One of the friends I let go in my life? Same way. No long lasting relationships with anyone outside of her family- and even those relationships were chaotic.

 

 

Bad boundaries around other people's husbands- including mine ( who rebuffed her totally).

 

But she had some good things that really drew me in. Smart, funny, driven in her job...

 

But when I sat down and looked really hard, I realized there was a reason friends didn't stay around for long, and it wasn't the friends.

 

This whoe navigating relationships dealio is harder than I thought it would be, as a grownup. sigh.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

You have GOT to be joking, right?!?!!????

 

This morning I get the text... told husband I want out yesterday asked for D. Sorry didn't respond. Wanted to deal w/it on my own first. Talk later tonight.

 

I UNDERSTAND she is in an unhealthy marriage. I UNDERSTAND she as needs/wants that husband doesn't fulfill. I UNDERSTAND she is an outgoing crazy fun woman who is social and has worked hard on her personal, mental and physical health looking better than ever.

 

Sorry I have cut and pasted..... If it is too difficult for you then tell her so and refuse to talk bout the OM. You know she has a LOUSY/UNHEALTHY marriage. She is leaving according to you. Something and you don't even know if it is a PA is there and maybe or maybe not it is an exit affair.

 

If she called you to tell you she was divorcing, you'd support her based on what you wrote above.

 

You are upset because there is an OM. That is two different things imo.

 

So if there was no OM and she was stuck not divorcing in a bad marriage you'd be happy?

 

If she does leave and there was no OM, you want her to not meet anyone for what 6 months, a year, 'til the kids go to university? People are sexual and want companionship, understand that.

 

The fact that the impetus to do the right thing (if D is the right thing) is an OM, and for argument's sake it is an EA with a single male that may or may not pan out, but will get her out of the marriage, is that really so terrible?

 

Why are you now defending the H who you don't speak that highly of.

Edited January 18, 2013 by Toodamnpragmatic

[Mr. Lucky]

Distance yourself from her and when she asks, tell her why.

Couldn't agree more.

 

Two paths to choose from here, one of which is fraught with pain, drama and all the attendant disruptions that go with it. And on behalf of someone who, through the course she's chosen, has already discredited the input your life experience would position you to provide?

 

The choice would be easy for me...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Realist3]

Sorry I have cut and pasted..... If it is too difficult for you then tell her so and refuse to talk bout the OM. You know she has a LOUSY/UNHEALTHY marriage. She is leaving according to you. Something and you don't even know if it is a PA is there and maybe or maybe not it is an exit affair.

 

If she called you to tell you she was divorcing, you'd support her based on what you wrote above.

 

You are upset because there is an OM. That is two different things imo.

 

So if there was no OM and she was stuck not divorcing in a bad marriage you'd be happy?

 

If she does leave and there was no OM, you want her to not meet anyone for what 6 months, a year, 'til the kids go to university? People are sexual and want companionship, understand that.

 

The fact that the impetus to do the right thing (if D is the right thing) is an OM, and for argument's sake it is an EA with a single male that may or may not pan out, but will get her out of the marriage, is that really so terrible?

 

Why are you now defending the H who you don't speak that highly of.

 

I too had this impression. I don't understand the problem here.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sorry I have cut and pasted..... If it is too difficult for you then tell her so and refuse to talk bout the OM. You know she has a LOUSY/UNHEALTHY marriage. She is leaving according to you. Something and you don't even know if it is a PA is there and maybe or maybe not it is an exit affair.

 

If she called you to tell you she was divorcing, you'd support her based on what you wrote above.

 

You are upset because there is an OM. That is two different things imo.

 

So if there was no OM and she was stuck not divorcing in a bad marriage you'd be happy?

 

If she does leave and there was no OM, you want her to not meet anyone for what 6 months, a year, 'til the kids go to university? People are sexual and want companionship, understand that.

 

The fact that the impetus to do the right thing (if D is the right thing) is an OM, and for argument's sake it is an EA with a single male that may or may not pan out, but will get her out of the marriage, is that really so terrible?

 

Why are you now defending the H who you don't speak that highly of.

 

Her friend didn't tell her she wanted a D until she was in the affair. She's destroying her family for a selfish fantasy instead of taking responsibility and working on her marriage. That's the problem. No-one deserves to be cheated on. It's maddening, and probably will only result in disaster for both of them. This new partner who's willing to ignore her marriage is probably not a good person to get involved with.

[Realist3]

She is getting divorced. The fact that she is in a two week affair seems a bit inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

[Ninja'sHusband]

She is getting divorced. The fact that she is in a two week affair seems a bit inconsequential in the grand scheme of things.

She's getting divorced because she's in an affair fog from what I understand. Stupid reason to divorce.

 

 

I personally think CIH should tell the BH. Letting secrets live like that only feeds the A. He'll find out soon enough. How will CIH look after that? Better to let him know NOW what he is up against, because right now he probably thinks it's something completely different.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Lance Armstrong here wants us to believe the cheater's time line for her affair.

Yup. The WW should wait to get involved with someone new even if she does get divorced. Hello rebound? People can put their sexual urges on hold for a bit, I'm doing it. I wouldn't put my crazy situation on some innocent newcomer just to heal my wounds. What a crazy horrible risky thing to do to someone you just met and have good feelings for.

 

OH yeah, and we have the cheater as a source of info ^^ haha Truthful lot eh?

[road]

Road;

Oh God, I hadn't even though of that.

 

I don't Want to.

 

Doing the right thing is often hard. It needs to be done.

 

How would you feel that if someone knew your husband cheating on you now and did not tell you. How would you feel when a year later you found out and people knew for a year and none offered there help by telling you so you could take action?

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Her friend didn't tell her she wanted a D until she was in the affair. She's destroying her family for a selfish fantasy instead of taking responsibility and working on her marriage. That's the problem. No-one deserves to be cheated on. It's maddening' date=' and probably will only result in disaster for both of them. This new partner who's willing to ignore her marriage is probably not a good person to get involved with.[/quote']

 

No, she did not tell her she ASKED FOR A D. I am always amazed that people miss the nuance and often don't read the posts. What they read here is she has met someone, thus is in an affair and a fog and must try and fix the marriage.... Always the same story that all cheaters are scum.

 

The OP wrote how bad the marriage is.

 

So now someone will tell me that regardless of how bad it is that is no reason to cheat (and we don't even know that she has cheated). Sorry not all of us define cheating as Jimmy Carter did "I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me."

.......

 

Also id I miss where the OP said this friend has cheated multiple times....

[serial muse]

I thought the issue here was that the friend is apparently hoping to share the ups and downs of her A with CiH, possibly exactly because she knows that CiH was already sympathetic to the fact that she was unhappy in the marriage. It sounds like the friend hasn't made the leap from counting on CiH's sympathy to recognizing that supporting an A, even an exit A for a marriage that was already doomed, is just not a fair thing to ask of her.

 

CiH, I was in a similar situation once. One of my very closest friends from childhood was in an EA that was about to turn physical - while/shortly after I discovered my now ex-H's affair. It was so bewildering - she was a rock to me in many ways, when I was sobbing and a mess and feeling so alone and unwanted. But then she wanted to talk about this thing, and I was just completely confused about how to handle it.

 

Here's what happened. I listened. I told her, without rancor but honestly, that what she was telling me was really hard to hear, because I empathized with her husband. I said I understand that she's frustrated in the marriage, and how much I wished that I had had a chance to talk over my husband's frustrations before he took an action we couldn't come back from.

 

In short, I tried to give her a window into what her husband might be feeling. I tried to mirror him for her. I tried to humanize the BS for her and remind her by simply showing my own pain what the fallout from an affair could be.

 

I don't know what effect your simply being you, honest about your feelings and open with them to your friend, might have on her. It sounds like that marriage is done (my friend's wasn't - she ended up not going further and now, many years later, is SO glad of it). But that would be a path that would both honor your friendship and honor your own experience. So, something to think about. You don't have to yell at her, but you don't have to listen quietly without comment, either. If she chooses to confide in you, she's also choosing to hear your experience.

Edited January 18, 2013 by serial muse
Changed "OP" as in original poster to "CiH" as in CominginHot because same acronym, two very different meanings

[Ninja'sHusband]

No, she did not tell her she ASKED FOR A D. I am always amazed that people miss the nuance and often don't read the posts. What they read here is she has met someone, thus is in an affair and a fog and must try and fix the marriage.... Always the same story that all cheaters are scum.

 

The OP wrote how bad the marriage is.

 

So now someone will tell me that regardless of how bad it is that is no reason to cheat (and we don't even know that she has cheated). Sorry not all of us define cheating as Jimmy Carter did "I've looked on many women with lust. I've committed adultery in my heart many times. God knows I will do this and forgives me."

.......

 

Also id I miss where the OP said this friend has cheated multiple times....

 

Wuhh?? Are we reading the same thread?

You have GOT to be joking, right?!?!!????

 

So, I call her to wish her Merry Xmas - silence. I text her Happy Holidays two days later - silence. I call her (a bit worried at this point as very out of character) to wish Happy New yr - Silence. Then one final Text a day later Happy New Yr - SILENCE!!!

 

I knew at this point something was up but know her well enough to know she'll out w/it when she's ready, about whatever's going on w/her.

 

This morning I get the text... told husband I want out yesterday asked for D. Sorry didn't respond. Wanted to deal w/it on my own first. Talk later tonight.

 

I UNDERSTAND she is in an unhealthy marriage. I UNDERSTAND she as needs/wants that husband doesn't fulfill. I UNDERSTAND she is an outgoing crazy fun woman who is social and has worked hard on her personal, mental and physical health looking better than ever.

 

But, but, but, heeeeeeeellllllllpppppp Me here people! She KNOWS my story. She has seen my pain. My anger. My struggle through the recovery. And I'M THE FIRST PERSON SHE TELLS??!!??

 

I don't even know you guys. I don't even, I don't even know what to write.

 

Please, PLEASE help me to know what to say, how to say, when to say. I normally have great direction so I apologize for being all scattered...

 

 

Let's bring the text CIH received out of the quote block:

"told husband I want out yesterday asked for D. Sorry didn't respond. Wanted to deal w/it on my own first. Talk later tonight."

 

So on the very sameday CIH finds out that her GF is in an affair and asked her husband for a D.

 

There is no excuse for cheating EVER just like there is no excuse for physically abusing someone. I didn't say they are all scum, but that doesn't raise cheating from being one of the most heinous/dishonest/hurtful things you can do to a person.

Edited January 18, 2013 by Ninja'sHusband

[Toodamnpragmatic]

Wuhh?? Are we reading the same thread?

 

 

 

Let's bring the text CIH received out of the quote block:

"told husband I want out yesterday asked for D. Sorry didn't respond. Wanted to deal w/it on my own first. Talk later tonight."

 

So on the very sameday CIH finds out that her GF is in an affair and asked her husband for a D.

 

There is no excuse for cheating EVER just like there is no excuse for physically abusing someone. I didn't say they are all scum, but that doesn't raise cheating from being one of the most heinous/dishonest/hurtful things you can do to a person.

 

I read it...... She has asked for a Divorce. The OP said it was a lousy marriage and understood the divorce. She is ready to move on with someone and we here have no idea whatsoever if it is an EA, a PA or anything.

 

You are all jumping to conclusions (including one saying shes had multiple affairs). What if her H has been cheating on her for ears, beating her or she has an abusive marriage and has put up with it for 10-15 years???? I know nothing and have jumped to no conculsions.

 

Many of you have......

[ComingInHot]

Toodamnpragmatic & Realist;

 

Easy Chiefs. I get where you 2 are and there is always "more" than what is said in an opening thread.

Pull back on the reigns and I will "share" more with "the group"

 

- First, It's a PA as well.

-Second, Cheating is Wrong and hurtful in my eyes as I have been Hurt because of it and well I know it to be wrong.

-Third, Not defending Husband, who he is or what he does or does Not do as a husband but as an individual being cheated on. (See "second reason" for me)

 

I am feeling like it was insensitive on her part knowing what she knows which apparently she is forgetting in her throws of passion that I am probably the last person she should be "bragging" to about cheating on her husband.

 

In her defense, she is "happy". (that's all I got for her defense)

 

I am happy for her that she is finally deciding that this marriage is over and she no longer has a third child to take care of. By the way, her husband IS a nice person just not very motivated to contribute to their marriage and finances. I Can support her in the D.

 

I am sad that she is putting her family's emotional well-being at stake when/if/when the A comes out. I think her children are great. To me, it is sad when someone uses another person as a catalyst & "soft landing" to and through a D so as not to feel that "lonely" feeling once the spouse is gone.

 

I have had enough drama in and close to my life. Aside from the drama of my immediate family and LS , I feel like I am asking for TONS OF DRAMA AND TROUBLE if I stay involved with my friend at this time.

 

 

You know what I keep thinking?....

 

WHY DID I ASK?!?!?!!!!!! That was MY mistake.

 

kick. kick, kick, kickkickkickkick & stupidstupidstupid.

 

Where's the delete button in my head!!!!

[ComingInHot]

You know I have been here A-LOT and received support from pretty much EVERYONE which is crazy to me and I am SO grateful.

 

I have Given support too (at least tried).

 

Part of the suggestions that I myself have written is what some of you are giving to ME today. and it... SUCKS!

 

I really REALLY don't want to tell her husband BUT OH MY HOLY HEAVEN I WOULD WANT TO KNOW !!!! And WISH someone had told me!!!!

 

I am NOT as worried at this point about "hurting" my friend. I mean I AM but I know the second I "out" her A to her husband, I'm OUT.

 

No opportunity to be an honest sincere friend to Tell her that although I support her D I don't support her A and that with my past experience hearing about someone I care about doing the very thing that I thought at one point would end me really hurts.

 

I will Not be able to give my thoughts to her in hopes it wakes her up to see the reality of her situation and the possible consequences. I won't be able to make a difference (oh my gosh that's my ego talking again, i'm sorry)

 

I really REALLY don't want to....

 

Can't I be like another recent poster who is "stalling"....*

 

If I stall long enough maybe it'll just, Go Away.

 

it won't.

 

I know...

[2long]

No, she did not tell her she ASKED FOR A D. I am always amazed that people miss the nuance and often don't read the posts. What they read here is she has met someone, thus is in an affair and a fog and must try and fix the marriage.... Always the same story that all cheaters are scum.

 

Well, they are while they're cheating. But I wouldn't say she "must" try and fix the marriage. If she's a serial cheater, she shouldn't be married. Maybe ever.

 

The OP wrote how bad the marriage is.

 

And you believe that? A WS is not a reliable source for anything, least of all the quality of their own marriage while they're cheating.

 

So now someone will tell me that regardless of how bad it is that is no reason to cheat (and we don't even know that she has cheated).

 

We have enough info. If it isn't a PA, then it's an EA. But I'll bet it's a PA.

 

-ol' 2long

[CarboniteCammy]

What does your gut instinct tell you to do?

 

I have a friend who is currently in what I'd call an unhealthy situation with someone who I consider the lowest of the low.

 

While I spend time with her, I've set boundaries for her so that we can still maintain a friendship.

 

I don't let her talk about her relationship with this person, because she knows all I'm going to say is, "Leave him." We've talked it through to the point where we both know that's what I'm going to say.

 

He's not allowed over at my house, and we no longer go on double dates, because in my mind that's helping to encourage a relationship that's detrimental to the mental health of someone I love and care about.

 

It's a really hard balance to strike, or it has been for me personally. I feel like I can't just leave her to the wolves; we're like sisters and I won't abandon her no matter what choices she makes, but at the same time I can't condone her being in this relationship.

 

Everyone's given some really good pieces of advice and points of view.

 

The only thing I can really tell you is that No matter what, you're going to be uncomfortable with this situation. If you ignore her during this time, you're going to miss her like crazy and wonder what she's doing, how she's doing, etc. If she really needs you to help figure this out, if you abandon her, she might not come to you if/when she's through the affair fog.

 

If you stick with her through this despite your own pain, you're going to have to revisit old wounds constantly and that might even cause problems between you and your husband as you delve back into this scenario with her.

 

I can't tell you what to do, but I'm sorry you're going through this and I don't think there's anything wrong with you taking a mental break from this situation and putting it behind you while you focus on other things like enjoying your kids and your husband and your family.

 

Maybe when you revisit it, your choice will be made for you, or at least be more clear.

[2long]

You know I have been here A-LOT and received support from pretty much EVERYONE which is crazy to me and I am SO grateful.

 

I have Given support too (at least tried).

 

Part of the suggestions that I myself have written is what some of you are giving to ME today. and it... SUCKS!

 

I really REALLY don't want to tell her husband BUT OH MY HOLY HEAVEN I WOULD WANT TO KNOW !!!! And WISH someone had told me!!!!

 

I am NOT as worried at this point about "hurting" my friend. I mean I AM but I know the second I "out" her A to her husband, I'm OUT.

 

No opportunity to be an honest sincere friend to Tell her that although I support her D I don't support her A and that with my past experience hearing about someone I care about doing the very thing that I thought at one point would end me really hurts.

 

I will Not be able to give my thoughts to her in hopes it wakes her up to see the reality of her situation and the possible consequences. I won't be able to make a difference (oh my gosh that's my ego talking again, i'm sorry)

 

I really REALLY don't want to....

 

Can't I be like another recent poster who is "stalling"....*

 

If I stall long enough maybe it'll just, Go Away.

 

it won't.

 

I know...

 

I don't envy you your decision. My FWW has a long term GF who's either actively cheating on her H or just ended an affair and is planning on divorcing her H. I don't know the H very well. I've only met him on about 3 occasions. But I had 2 go through a period of several months wondering if I should tell him about his W's affair. I ended up not outing her for a few reasons, not the least of which he may be cheating on her as well. I ended up deciding that they deserved the pain they were inflicting on one another. Their 4 yr old daughter doesn't, though. But I can't help that. I haven't been given an update from my W, but her GF had said 2 her about a year ago that she was saving up so that she could move out and DV her H by December. I think they've been separated for a few months, but I don't know if she's filed. Frankly, I doubt it. I think both of them have a lot of growing up 2 do, and should take a whack at doing it 2gether for their daughter's sake.

 

But I doubt they will.

 

-ol' 2long

[Realist3]

Lance Armstrong here wants us to believe the cheater's time line for her affair.

 

That is the only timeline we have at this point is it not? Either she is getting a divorce or she is not. Like I said divorce is a much bigger issue than some short lived affair.

[Act Two]

This is weird. No one has a happy marriage and then has a two week affair where the OM wants her to leave her marriage and start a new life together. That's completely crazy.

 

Is she lying about the length of the affair?

 

If it is truly a two-week affair, then she isn't leaving her marriage for that reason alone, unless she is the most impulsive person on the planet.

 

Doesn't add up.