Unbelievable! Very Good Friend told me she is cheating on her Husband..

[road]

You did a hard job.

 

That goes without saying because doing the right thing is always hard.

[Darth Vader]

You did what you had to do, as far as wishing you didn't ask, well, that wouldn't have been fair for her Husband to live like that, think on that. Everything happens for a reason.

 

Somehow I think there may have been more affairs than just the one that came out, but, that's just me and another person on here speculating about that last night.

 

Oh, and well done on the Anti-Blame shifting save thing! That also shows she's not remorseful over her A. Vader out!

[ComingInHot]

road;

I'm glad you came back to see if I had "stepped up". You drew a hard line earlier. Thanks for the props but really, I probably wouldn't have thought about telling the BS until someone (You but someone would have sooner or later) because I honestly hadn't gone past our conversation about Her.

 

And too everyone, see? I wine and stall about the crappy stuff too.

 

Today has been very quiet... & peaceful... thanks again all!

[AbeNormal]

No kidding. I was trying to keep my mouth shut about those eyes. (BH slinks away to read about boundaries, again).

 

Guess I need to do that reading as well - thanks for the tip.

 

When that avatar went up, my reaction was that the first eight letters of her username were extraneous.

 

I suppose that reaction is normal - even though the third letter of my username is likely extraneous...

 

Anyway, to the OP, job well done mountain beauty.

Edited January 21, 2013 by AbeNormal

[BetrayedH]

I'm impressed. I don't think you could have done better.

 

Good luck with not asking next time. I bet you'll at least hesitate. Props to you on the honesty line.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Great job CIH I know that was scary as hell, and you made sacrifices for sure. It must have been so difficult, but you will have peace knowing you did the right thing. I think the BH will find better peace as well knowing the truth and what he was really up against. Your friend has had the light shown upon what she is doing. Whatever happens now happens, and probably for the best.

[ComingInHot]

Ninja'husband;

Thank you and you're right, whatever happens is going to happen. And guess what? I'm NOT going to ASK!!!

[ComingInHot]

SOOoooo...

My friend has called me a couple times and I didn't take her first calls. I just needed to be in a better place to speak with her with love.

 

And by the way, she hardly Ever calls, ever. Normally it's me maintaining the friendship.

 

Anyway, I took her call yesterday morning and it was the first time we spoke since the three way conversation with her husband. She was upset because when she finally handed her husband the divorce papers he got up and left for a week.

When he returned, he wouldn't speak to her. Then he went ahead and Told their children that their Mom was divorcing him. Apparently, it was agreed that they would do this together, so she felt a little "betrayed" (for lack of a better term).

I explained the best I could from what I surmise, was the "picture" of an amicable divorce and we all live happily ever after that she had envisioned compared with the reality of her situation and the feelings of her betrayed husband.

I Think she is trying to understand that but is so caught up in herself, the A and encroaching "freedom" that she is actually "irked" that things aren't proceeding how she wants.

She has talked to her kids but they don't know of the A. They are understandably devastated and I got "harsh" w/her and told her now was the time to step up as a Mother and be on top of the emotional rollercoaster the D was going put them through.

It kind of bothered me that she sounded almost light-hearted about the impact that the D would have on the kids. "oh, I'm watching. We're talking when they bring it up. They'll be fine. kids are resilient etc..."

 

She stated she just wanted the support of her BFF (that would be me). I told her firmly that I DID support her D but I could Not in anyway support her A. I EVEN used Pierre's explanation that she was on a chemical "high" from the A like a crack high. She agreed wholeheartedly but I think missed the point.

So, I just finished it saying, I would be happy to be a sound-board and support for her through the D BUT do NOT talk to me about this "man" who is enabling her to cheat. (Oh ya, & who has cheated w/other MW before!!)

She said no problem and that was that.

 

I just don't understand how I could be of any help or support to her if I am supposed to be true to myself. I honestly think I "botched" the entire conversation with her yesterday and feel awful.

[serial muse]

SOOoooo...

My friend has called me a couple times and I didn't take her first calls. I just needed to be in a better place to speak with her with love.

 

And by the way, she hardly Ever calls, ever. Normally it's me maintaining the friendship.

 

Anyway, I took her call yesterday morning and it was the first time we spoke since the three way conversation with her husband. She was upset because when she finally handed her husband the divorce papers he got up and left for a week.

When he returned, he wouldn't speak to her. Then he went ahead and Told their children that their Mom was divorcing him. Apparently, it was agreed that they would do this together, so she felt a little "betrayed" (for lack of a better term).

I explained the best I could from what I surmise, was the "picture" of an amicable divorce and we all live happily ever after that she had envisioned compared with the reality of her situation and the feelings of her betrayed husband.

I Think she is trying to understand that but is so caught up in herself, the A and encroaching "freedom" that she is actually "irked" that things aren't proceeding how she wants.

She has talked to her kids but they don't know of the A. They are understandably devastated and I got "harsh" w/her and told her now was the time to step up as a Mother and be on top of the emotional rollercoaster the D was going put them through.

It kind of bothered me that she sounded almost light-hearted about the impact that the D would have on the kids. "oh, I'm watching. We're talking when they bring it up. They'll be fine. kids are resilient etc..."

 

She stated she just wanted the support of her BFF (that would be me). I told her firmly that I DID support her D but I could Not in anyway support her A. I EVEN used Pierre's explanation that she was on a chemical "high" from the A like a crack high. She agreed wholeheartedly but I think missed the point.

So, I just finished it saying, I would be happy to be a sound-board and support for her through the D BUT do NOT talk to me about this "man" who is enabling her to cheat. (Oh ya, & who has cheated w/other MW before!!)

She said no problem and that was that.

 

I just don't understand how I could be of any help or support to her if I am supposed to be true to myself. I honestly think I "botched" the entire conversation with her yesterday and feel awful.

 

Hey, no! I don't think you botched anything - because none of what is going on here is your responsibility! You aren't responsible for getting her to exit the A, or for making it easier on their kids, or for smoothing the path to divorce - not at all! You've done what you can by way of being a friend, but you're not superhuman and you shouldn't take so much of that burden on yourself.

 

I think you did the right thing, in setting a boundary. But she's really the one who needs to take responsibility here. I know it's frustrating that it doesn't feel like she's doing that - but you can't really do more than express your honest opinion when you talk. Don't be so hard on yourself; at this point, perhaps, it might be best to step back a bit (emotionally, that is - I saw that you haven't been taking all her calls) and give yourself some space from that whole shxtstorm. Sometimes you just have to let people wade through their own crap.

[Ninja'sHusband]

I agree. Like I said before, the husband knows now and you are not supporting her A and are making that very clear. The only thing else would be to go NC with your friend and I'm not sure that's the right thing. I've never been faced with that situation. Trying to support her but not support her is going to be very confusing for you I'm sure. There's probably no getting around that short of breaking contact altogether (which again I dunno if that's right or not)

[road]

When he returned, he wouldn't speak to her. Then he went ahead and Told their children that their Mom was divorcing him. Apparently, it was agreed that they would do this together, so she felt a little "betrayed"

 

She has talked to her kids but they don't know of the A.

 

These kids are going to get messed up by having the truth denied to them why the divorce is happening.

 

You need to coach the BH of the importance of the truth be told to his kids. That statistics show kids are more likely to be abused and molested by the OM.

 

So tell the BH to not move out of the house and let WW move the OM in.

 

Tell the kids that married people do not have BF/GF and go on dates. Well mom has a BF and is going on dates with OM/insert OM's name.

 

When a wife or husband does this it is known as having an affair. Mom is having an affair with OM/insert OM name.

 

Tell him this is why WW wanted to break the news to the kids. WW does not want the blame for the divorce placed on her. By WW doing that the kids usually place the blame on themselves which will give them issues that will haunt them throughout the adult lives.

 

Also WW does not want the kids to know what the OM did so they will accept the OM.

 

This BH must reveal the truth to his kids to disabuse his WW of how everything well smell like roses after the divorce.

[ComingInHot]

road;

 

Really? .....

[BetrayedH]

I don't know CIH. I'd be about done with this. The BH knows the truth; well done on that. I'm seriously proud of you for that one. You sure came a long way from that girl afraid to put her own foot down.

 

What's left to influence here? She's going to ride off into the sunset with her OM. And it's going to be a freaking mess. I don't know what's left to "support."

[Realist3]

road;

 

Really? .....

 

I would caution you to seek more advice than what you read off of this site.

[Ninja'sHusband]

Just wanted to add my opinion (I know you have yours) that getting a D in the midst of a fantasy A is a HUGE mistake. Personally I wouldn't be able to support her in the D or the A without her at least trying to reconcile first.

[delighted_delilah]

road;

 

Really? .....

 

Okay, I have kept my mouth shut on this thread, mainly because I know my opinion is in the minority and others expressed it just as well as I believe I would have

 

The kids most certainly do NOT need to know that mommy cheated on daddy and left him for someone else! What the heck?! They are in enough pain and turmoil right now as it is; what they need is to continue to love both their parents and know that they can count on both their parents no matter what.

When my xH cheated on me, heinously I might add, and I finally had no choice but to take the kids and leave, I did NOT tell them "we are moving out because Daddy has been sleeping with a crack whore for over a year and gave Mommy the clap, which is what put Mommy in the hospital a few months ago for PID." That would have devastated them, even more so than the breakup of our family did. Years later, my xH sat down with our son, who had been giving me a hard time over 'taking his daddy away', and explained to him what he had done, and how badly he had hurt me. That was HIS choice, HIS call, and I will never forget the respect I regained for him when he did it. Do all cheaters have the capacity to own their behaviour at some point? No, of course not.

 

And in terms of how this woman supposedly destroyed the family, etc.... No. Just, NO. It takes two people to do the work necessary to keep a marriage whole, and it takes two people to destroy it. From what has been stated in this thread, I think it is pretty clear that both husband and wife destroyed the MARRIAGE; the family doesn't need to be destroyed. My xH, kids, and I are all still a family, we just aren't a traditional family that lives together.

[ComingInHot]

Decision made;

 

Thanks for letting me bounce this off you all. All comments greatly appreciated!

 

Ya so, I've decided I'm out on this action. I am Not going Any further. This is a monster fuster cluck and I don't think I want to some beacon of sanity which would be a total farse. Because I'm totally INSANE!! at least I would be to even go one step closer to either one of them.

 

Guiltily I feel pretty good about my decision. And road... please don't be disappointed in me**

[delighted_delilah]

CIH, staying out of it at this point is really, imo, the best thing you can do FOR YOU. You have acted as your conscience dictated, by making sure that the H was told about the A. Don't put yourself in the line of fire any further.

[2long]

She is not in a place where change is possible. Maybe one day she will come and say CIH why didn't you stop me? Why was I such a fool? Why was I so mean to people who were good people?

 

But that is a long way off.

 

I don't believe it'll ever happen. I don't think this OW has a moral bone in her body.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Do I understand the pain you went through if your spouse had a PA???? No and my apologies and condolences what you have gone through, but you projecting your pain and nastiness on others is not healthy.

 

I understand your position better now that I understand you've not been subjected 2 infidelity. I don't think most people here are "projecting their pain", though. I think that's simply the na2re of the beast (infidelity) which, as you've said, you don't understand.

 

CIH is friends with this woman, not the husband.

 

Does she have principles? Intetrity? Morals? I imagine she's well enough acquainted with the H. But so far, she's planning on encouraging the friend 2 come clean herself. Remember, the friend involved her by confiding her dirty little secret with her. Kind of unfair if she did it "knowing" that CIH wouldn't rat her out, but rather enable her affair.

 

She acknowledges a bad marriage her friend has tried to leave for years (and yes it is sad there are children involved).

 

I seem 2 remember that she got this info from the cheater. A lousy source of misinformation about her own freakin' life.

 

So another man is finally the impetus to leave. Not the best of situations, but not terrible.

 

Of course it's terrible. On the other hand, the cheaters likely deserve each other (so they can later cheat on one another with new affair partners).

 

Yes she talks to her about the divorce, confirms she has her head about her and it is not just about sex and the OM. CIH has said this has been in the works for years and the affair is only the last 2 weeks.

 

I hope that CIH is smart enough 2 realize that the friend doesn't have her head about her (and can't, so long as she's fog-bound and lovestruck) and that it is more than likely ALL about sex and the OM. And finally, "this has been in the works for years": one of the more infamous wayward quotes and part of the script. That's one of the last things I'd believe, if I were in CIH's shoes (I have been, ac2ally).

 

However CIH also tells her in no uncertain words that she has no interest hearing about the OM and all that crap and do her best to ensure she is not in a fog. Tell her to talk to her sisters or others, but you will not be party 'til she is DIVORCED to discuss at all the OM.

 

2late. THE OW already involved her.

 

I really find it scary that you all just scream EXPOSE EXPOSE EXPOSE and that all is black and white and never stop and think it through.

 

Unless the BS is prone 2 domestic violence, I can assure you that it is all black and white.

 

Trust me if I found my friend's spouse was having an affair I'd expose it. However if my friend was having an affair I'd not support it, talk to him or her about if they approached me (or I found out about it) but certainly would not tell the spouse who I'm know (and maybe friendly) through only my PRIMARY friendship.

 

Interesting.

 

-ol' 2long

[2long]

Sorry, I should have read the rest of the thread before my posts above.

 

CIH, staying out of it at this point is really, imo, the best thing you can do FOR YOU. You have acted as your conscience dictated, by making sure that the H was told about the A. Don't put yourself in the line of fire any further.

 

While I agree with this post of yours, I completely disagree with your post before this one. Completely. Kids are smart, and they'll either figure out what's happening, or they'll blame themselves for the divorce and the parents will end up telling them the truth.

 

Regardless, I think CIH did the right thing in this si2ation. It's going 2 be up 2 the WW and BH what happens going forward. I doubt very much that the affairy tale will last, unless the affairees are shallower and dumber than even I can imagine, which I suppose is possible.

 

-ol' 2long

[Ninja'sHusband]

Sorry, I should have read the rest of the thread before my posts above.

 

 

 

While I agree with this post of yours, I completely disagree with your post before this one. Completely. Kids are smart, and they'll either figure out what's happening, or they'll blame themselves for the divorce and the parents will end up telling them the truth.

 

Regardless, I think CIH did the right thing in this si2ation. It's going 2 be up 2 the WW and BH what happens going forward. I doubt very much that the affairy tale will last, unless the affairees are shallower and dumber than even I can imagine, which I suppose is possible.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

As far as the kids go, it really depends on their age and the situation. That being said it's really none of CIH's business. I think she'd be crossing a big boundary if she told their kids!

 

ON that note, I'm glad she encouraged her friend to tell her H first btw. I gave the OMM the same chance...too bad he didn't take it =\

[Act Two]

 

While I agree with this post of yours, I completely disagree with your post before this one. Completely. Kids are smart, and they'll either figure out what's happening, or they'll blame themselves for the divorce and the parents will end up telling them the truth.

 

If you say kids are smart, why is it an either/or that they would figure it all out OR blame themselves?

[2long]

Well, hell. I guess it depends on how smart they really are?

 

 

All seriousness aside, it's just been my experience that kids can't be kept in the dark for long. They'll either realize what's going on themselves - perhaps "helped" by the cheating parent's carelessness - or the parents will feel bad because the kids think their parents are breaking up because of something they're doing or not doing, and they'll 'fess out.

 

-ol' 2long

[Spark1111]

GOD, in HIS infinite irony, while I was reeling from DDAY, had one of my employees chuck a long-term marriage. They had two sons, late teens and early twenties.

 

She was making good money, and the more secure she felt financially, the more she started to complain about her H, who seemed like a nice guy. (I have seen this over and over with women in the workplace who reach a certain level of income, by the way).

 

She meets a....ahem...separated MM who is powerful, intelligent, and prestigious and floats away into affairyland, tells her H she wants a divorce, and is NEVER home again.

 

Her sons were devastated and so upset with her. It does not MATTER the age of your children. She began to bring the MM around her sons as if they would be one big happy family. I think, she too used the word "resilient."

 

They hated him. They hated her. She was so self-absorbed she had NO CLUE how to parent them through divorce. She grew angry THEY were not happy FOR her, and when she sensed their pain and depression, she either ignored it...or grew UPSET with them!

 

Their father grew extremely depressed and was under the covers in his apartment, so he was no support. The boys are adrift, emotionally, financially, with no clear way or ADULT support to reach their goals.

 

She is oblivious and FEELS she deserves to be happy! The MM? He dumped her, divorced his wife and married the NEXT woman he bumped into who knew nothing of his philandering ways. My employee was not the only woman he was...ahem...seeing. She has been through a slew of men, many of them real losers.

 

The boys? My heart breaks for them. It really does.

 

CIH, I applaud you. But I wouldn't bail completely. if your friend is in affairyland, her children will be neglected, at least for a while. If you do talk with her, make sure you get her on board to help, I mean REALLY help those kids adjust to all that awaits them.