stupidly cheated on my wonderful husband, divorce going thru this week

[sadgrrl]

About a year ago I cheated on my husband while I was on a business trip. There's no way I can say how wonderful my husband is -- he is the most caring, loving, sweet man in the world. He took such good care of me -- he made me coffee every morning and he rubbed my head to wake me up. He adored me, and we were so happy together.

 

Sexually things weren't satisfying to me at all but I didn't notice the problem because so much was going on in our lives that I thought I just lost interest in sex altogether. I think when I started to lose interest was pretty much when we moved in together. At the time, I had a huge sexual apetite and wanted to try lots of things (nothing too kinky, don't worry). Every time I tried anything, I think it made him feel uncomfortable because he would either joke about it or say he was too tired. One night, for example, I went all out with a leather outfit that I thought for sure would get him excited, but he was so tired. He tried to have sex with me but I felt like I was forcing him and I felt so ugly -- not even sexy leather lingerie could make me attractive. My husband is a lot more attractive than me, and I felt like he must just like me for my personality, not sexually. I felt so unattractive and I guess I just thought I'd give up on sex for the rest of my life.

 

Then I went on a business trip and had an affair with a very sexy man who made me feel attractive. Looking back, I have no clue what I was thinking, I mean I didn't even stop to think how I was walking all over my husband. I just wanted this man so badly. I do remember thinking (i know, VERY STUPID) that this could spice up my relationship with my husband because I was remembering what it was like to feel passion.

 

I came back, thinking I woulnd't hear from the om, but he and I started emailing every day. I didn't tell my husband for 3 months. I tried to end things with the om lots of times, and started seeing a counselor, but I just couldn't give up the way the om made me feel. What I feel worst about now is that during that time, I was trying to decide who I should be with. I think that's terrible, like it was my right to hold crucial information from my husband while I decide whether I want to be with him. I finally told my husband, but I don't know why I did then, because I was not supportive, and when he would lash out at me I would say things like maybe it's not worth it after all, not allowing him the space to be mad at me.

 

Then the big downward spiral began. I obviously wasn't being supportive enough for my husband, and he told quite a few of our mutual friends and coworkers (he was breaking down crying at work) and I got mad at him because I didn't know how I could face anyone again. So I started leaning towards the om more, lying to my husband about that. He found out and tried to make me cut things off (rightly so of course, but I couldn't). He started telling more people about the affair, including his parents and many relatives, and he was talking to my mom on the phone a lot. I felt like he was turning everyone against me, and how could I ever face his parents after that?

 

My husband filed for a dissolution of marriage 6 months ago and it will go thru this week. A lot of times I think how wonderful my husband is, but whenever I think about getting back together, I think it's impossible because of his parents knowing about the affair. Also, I know it's all my fault, but I'm afraid of living the rest of my life doing penance.

 

I'm really jaded now, because of my own actions. I think it's scary that there's mean people like me in the world, who can hurt such wonderful people. I guess I'm not even looking for advice, maybe just some people to commiserate with and also people to tell me how dumb I am for blowing a perfectly good marriage.

[krbshappy71]

So are you still in contact with the OM? Do you think there was really something substanial there?

I'd say yup, you blew it, perhaps counselling would help you handle the divorce grieving process and help you understand why what you had wasn't good enough. Perhaps you didn't think you deserved that much happiness, that nice of a guy, I dunno. Some people ruin things for themselves and a part of them even knows they are doing it but they don't stop anyway. Its quite sad. Maybe you learned a valuable lesson, "sex isn't everything" ? God teaches lessons sometimes when He doesn't think we are listening to Him without them.

[Fritz]

People do make mistakes and work through them. You might check out <URL removed>

[KissMyTiara]

Sadgrrl -

 

I cheated on a fiance years ago. I had many of the same reasons as you - lost my sexual appetite when we moved in together, he didn't satisfy me sexually, etc. (There were, of course, other problems that I just couldn't see at the time.) I wound up in bed with a man who was incredibly gorgeous (an Abercrombie model) who made me feel like a sex goddess and the most beautiful woman (inside and out) in the world.

 

My fiance found out, and that was the end of our relationship. It took me years to see it, but I know now that I cheated for a reason - to get caught, to get out of a relationship.

 

I have since had a relationship with a man similar to your H - wonderful man, nuturing, supportive, allathat...but he just didn't do it for me. Wasn't what I wanted for the rest of my life, so I ended it.

 

I'm certain, it may take time, that you will eventually truly know WHY you cheated, and it will help you grow as a person. It's never good to hurt other people intentionally. But what you did wasn't so much an attack on your H as it was some serious soul searching... soon enough, you'll see the light.

 

Hopefully, if you end up like me, you will eventually realize that the end of this relationship was actually the best thing in the world for you. You can be you, 100% you, and not 1/2 of a BLAH relationship.

 

Coffee and headrubs does not make the world go round. Coffee and headrubs are not what dreams are made out of. Passion is. Use this opportunity to find your passion - and remember, it doesn't necessarily have to be in the arms of a man.

[sadgrrl]

Thank you all for the heartfelt replies. Words of encouragement are like gold to someone in my state.

 

KissMyTiara, it's good to hear that good can come from this -- hopefully I can at least grow from this experience (and not hurt someone like this again!). I'm seeing a therapist who's told me exactly what you're saying about me using the affair to an unfulfiling relationship and that I need to focus on finding myself. But it all sounded so theoretical until now -- hearing that it has worked that way for you makes me feel encouraged. I cried when reading your last paragraph -- don't worry, it's good because it made me think -- because every time I feel wracked with guilt (about every minute of the day), the coffee and headrubs are what I think about, and now hopefully I'll have something else to think about. I want both him and me to be able to find that great passion, even if it's not together.

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

This is a very sad story and you seem to realize how much you have

lost. It is a shame that you did not try marriage counseling and

sexual therapy for your husband. When I have been unsure of

what to do in similar situations - I would ask myself how would I feel

if my wife was doing to me what I was thinking of doing to her. If you

keep this in mind you probably will not make a poor decision.

 

I have to say that the way you describe your husband; he sounds like a very sensitive and loving man toward you. You will not find many men like that around. True there was a problem with the sex but it can be worked on. Once you started cheating, betraying, and humiliating your husband not to mention putting him at risk for STD's the dynamics changed. This is a man who was crying at work because he loved you so much but you did not show remorse. Marriagebuilders believes it is essential for the betrayed spouse to expose the affair to everyone to make the cheating spouse face reality. He did what most experts would recommend so you cannot fault him for this. He was trying to save his marriage.

 

What I am going to say to you now may sound harsh but here goes. If you truly love your husband, cut if off with the OM and try everyway to get him back. Apparently it is still all about you. You said two things that stood out.

One you did not know if you could go back because he told other people. Hello, whose fault is this? Second, you said that you did not wish to show repentence for the rest of your marriage. Hello....You destroyed your marriage and totally humiliated and disrespected a man who adores you. Instead of saying I will work hard to make him trust and love me again - you say you don't wish to suffer the consequences of showing remorse throughout your marriage. What a selfish attitude. Open your eyes. Your husband is a one in a million guy. Imagine when he remarries someone else. By the way, apparently your OM has no problem having sex with a married woman. He sounds very special (sic). The bottom line is that you should not allow your foolish pride to get in the way of a possible recovery if you have any chance.

 

I sorry that this may seem harsh but your letter indicates how special your husband is to you and how foolish you were to throw away this marriage without trying everything to keep it. If you do not want this divorce then fight for your marriage. It really sounds to me like you are allowing somebody very special to slip through your fingers. You made one terrible mistake and it sounds like you are making an even worse mistake by your inaction. I wish you luck.

[moimeme]

using the affair to an unfulfiling relationship

 

Nice rationalization. Kinda perpetuates a bogus idea of how relationships should be and what to do if they aren't though, dontcha think?

[sadgrrl]

Bryanp, Thanks for the reply, but I have to disagree -- I don't think it's everyone's business. Why does everyone need to know? That just complicates things even more. Sorry if I sound unremorseful, but I've thought so much about this one and I don't understand. It seems easy enough to say "I'm having marital problems" and people at work would understand. I can understand telling close friends, that's what they're there for. But seriously, if MarriageBuilders is telling people to tell everyone on the street that their spouse cheated on them, then I think they're full of s*&%.

 

moimeme, I totally agree, it's not the right way to handle things. I was just saying that's the reason my therapist suggests many people end up having an affair. But obviously it's a terrible thing to do.

[Bryanp]

Hello Sadgrrl,

 

I cannot speak for Marriagebuilders but they generally believe in exposing

the affair in stages. Most of the time when the affair is ongoing the

belief is to expose the affair to the OM's wife and the parents of the wife.

Most of the time this works because many times the cheating spouse is

in a fog. When reality hits the fantasy goes away and the marriage can

attempt at recovery. This was not successful with you.

 

The next stage is to tell other friends if the affair continues like you did in

an attempt to understand the pain that the cheating wife is inflicting

on the betrayed spouse and to understand there are consequences to

their actions. Usually when the affair is exposed, it usually ends. In your

case you continued to lie to your husband and continued contact. Your

husband was desperate for you to understand the consequences of your

actions which did not work in your case.

 

Finally, another reason for exposure is because if you do not this then

the betrayed spouse is actually enabling the affair to continue without

any consequences to the cheating spouse. This is known as having your

cake and eating it. They are known as cakewoman. Many times only

through exposure can this cakewoman attitude be stopped. Again this

did not work for you.

 

I always like to ask how you would feel and what you would have done if

the roles had been reversed and your husband continued contact with his lover? Again I cannot speak for <removed> but maybe you should look at it. Again I am sorry that you seem resigned to getting divorced and

not fighting to stay in your marriage. Nevertheless I wish you the best.

[sadgrrl]

Bryanp, that makes sense when you put it that way. To me, at the time, I felt like he was telling people to push me away, and that it meant he had given up already. But it makes sense that, no matter what his motives, telling people close to you is a good safety net. Looking at the stages you mentioned, he did go way way overboard in the people he told -- totally totally nothing compared to the damage I did of course. And anyway who could blame the guy? He was hurt beyond belief and he needed people to build him up.

 

You're right about the fog thing -- I don't know what I was thinking, getting all excited and lovey with a guy I barely knew, when I'm a married woman.

 

I've been trying to contact my husband but he's totally unreachable, it's like he dropped off the face of the earth. Smart guy, avoiding me after the sh-t I put him thru.

[havNfun]

Coffee and head rubs does not make the world go round. Coffee and headrubs are not what dreams are made out of. Passion is. Use this opportunity to find your passion - and remember, it doesn't necessarily have to be in the arms of a man.

 

KissMyTiara,

I don't think that cheating is a good idea, but,

 

I found your post very constructive,

very practical, intelligent and profound.

[kellydontwanttasleep]

sadgrrl you never know if you didn't do this you might be locked down when your ready to meet your soulmate

[sami]

Women usually start to realize the value of what they had had when they loose it. Sad indeed.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by havNfun

 

 

KissMyTiara,

I don't think that cheating is a good idea, but,

 

I found your post very constructive,

very practical, intelligent and profound.

 

Thanks!

 

I don't think cheating is a good idea either... That said, cheating can be a mistake (sometimes, really, c'mon, it's true!), and like all mistakes, can be learned from. It MUST be learned from, if it is to be worth anything at all.

[KissMyTiara]

Originally posted by Bryanp

 

I have to say that the way you describe your husband; he sounds like a very sensitive and loving man toward you. You will not find many men like that around. True there was a problem with the sex but it can be worked on. Once you started cheating, betraying, and humiliating your husband not to mention putting him at risk for STD's the dynamics changed. This is a man who was crying at work because he loved you so much but you did not show remorse. Marriagebuilders believes it is essential for the betrayed spouse to expose the affair to everyone to make the cheating spouse face reality. He did what most experts would recommend so you cannot fault him for this. He was trying to save his marriage.

 

What I am going to say to you now may sound harsh but here goes. If you truly love your husband, cut if off with the OM and try everyway to get him back. Apparently it is still all about you. You said two things that stood out.

One you did not know if you could go back because he told other people. Hello, whose fault is this? Second, you said that you did not wish to show repentence for the rest of your marriage. Hello....You destroyed your marriage and totally humiliated and disrespected a man who adores you. Instead of saying I will work hard to make him trust and love me again - you say you don't wish to suffer the consequences of showing remorse throughout your marriage. What a selfish attitude. Open your eyes. Your husband is a one in a million guy. Imagine when he remarries someone else. By the way, apparently your OM has no problem having sex with a married woman. He sounds very special (sic). The bottom line is that you should not allow your foolish pride to get in the way of a possible recovery if you have any chance.

 

I sorry that this may seem harsh but your letter indicates how special your husband is to you and how foolish you were to throw away this marriage without trying everything to keep it. If you do not want this divorce then fight for your marriage. It really sounds to me like you are allowing somebody very special to slip through your fingers. You made one terrible mistake and it sounds like you are making an even worse mistake by your inaction. I wish you luck.

 

 

Bryanp - Ok, you are being mean. Sadgrrl is upset and regretful for hurting her husband, that is clear, but it seems to be that you are hell bent on making her feel like crap. She already does, already knows she made a mistake. She is looking for guidance, some "lesson" from it all, and reminding her how much she F-ed up isn't working. It's TOO LATE now, she can't turn back the clock.

 

She (and every other woman who has messed up in any way) WILL find another man, if she wants to. There are PLENTY of wonderfully sensitive men out there, and now she knows, from her own experience and reading about the experiences of others, that she can learn and grow from the experience, and eventually be truly happy with the man of her dreams. H wasn't that man. Her H might have been a coffee-making head rubber, but there's bound to be at least a few men out there who are filet-mignon making masseuses!!

 

Sadgrrl - keep your head up hun. It gets better, it just takes time.

[moimeme]

There are PLENTY of wonderfully sensitive men out there

 

Oh really? You got one? How many people you know do?

[Bryanp]

Hello Sadgirrl,

 

The following is just a suggestion. Just because you get a divorce does not mean you cannot eventually remarry him. Clearly your husband is very angry and feeling a lot of pain. I would suggest if you can then try to start writing letters and sending audio tapes expressing your feelings to him. He may not wish to talk to you now but I think there is a good chance he would read letters sent to him from you. Remember the old saying: Every thousand mile journey starts with a first step. Maybe this will be your first step back to him assuming this is what you want. I wish you luck.

[DazednConfused]

I haven't been on all weekend, and it looks like the girls are beating up on you a little here. I just wanted to say that I agree with all you've posted and have read all that <removed> have to say and other sites as well.

 

Exposure of an affair is hugely important. In this case, sad's husband did all the right things, and they did not work.

 

Sadgrrl, I think through all this mess you created, you never decided anything except to let the currents carry you. Sadly, once that happens, the outcome is seldom positive. You loved your husband dearly, yet you kicked him in the gut and then kept on doing so. Then you have the nerve to resent the fact that he went seeking some support because you felt guilty and knew what you had done was wrong. You never wanted nor did you ever truly face any consequences of your actions until now; you are faced with final divorce papers. Now you feel your reputation is smudged, and so use that excuse to continue avoiding doing the right thing.

 

sadgrrl you never know if you didn't do this you might be locked down when your ready to meet your soulmate

 

I have seen this logic a few times on this board, and always chose to leave it alone, because it was usually in the context of dating. Come on now, once you take vows and accept the ring, aren't you promising that you have found that soulmate? Does it not mean that you are finishhed "shopping" for a soulmate?

 

What is it with people who think your wife/husband owes you every thing you desire?? The real fact is, they don't. Our self fulfillment and happiness depends upon us. Our spouses are there to add to and complement what we already have for ourselves. This can go in both directions, if you focus on the negative, then that is what you will see.

 

I wish you luck, and my fervent hope that you do not repeat your own mistakes whatever may come.

[MeanNewYorker]

Originally posted by moimeme

There are PLENTY of wonderfully sensitive men out there

 

Oh really? You got one? How many people you know do?

 

I do, and you know what? Most of them are not individuals anymore, they are men who do whatever their told by thier wives, they are men are who adore thier wives and really put thier wives first, always. Sadly, especially after reading tons of stories on this message board, those men are the ones who are cheated on most, why is that?

 

My personal opinion is that while a woman wants more than anything to have a man who is sensitive and adores her and all that mushy crap, a man who acts like that, always doing what the wife wants and says, the woman may view him as some what of a little man. Meaning, he doesn't stand up for himself, has no opinion that would ever counter hers, displays a lack stregth and masculinity, I think subconsisously the woman may feel like the man is somewhat soft and that he's not all that.

 

Personally, I act like a huge a-sshole, say what I feel, do what I want. Certainly I always try to please my wife and do whatever she asks of me, and I try to be sensitive to her feelings. That doesn' mean that I walk around, like a dog on a leash, doing anything and everything that she says. She's attracted to the fact that I say what I want, that I voice my opinion no matter how much it counters hers, and I hope that she appreciates that I am also and individual, not just a husband who is yes-man

(Babe - I know you read my posts...aren't I sweet?)

[whichwayisup]

Hey meannewyorker...I think us women just wanna be heard and respected and loved. Doesn't mean that is a leash...Just some common sense and courtesy that's all.

[Pocky]

Personally, I act like a huge a-sshole,

 

I know they both start with A's but there is a difference between a**h*** and Assertive.

[MeanNewYorker]

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Hey meannewyorker...I think us women just wanna be heard and respected and loved. Doesn't mean that is a leash...Just some common sense and courtesy that's all.

 

I TOTALLY AGREE with that, that is my only focus in my marriage, but don't think everyone's like this because, respect, love, common sense, all those things are so subjective and defining those things can vary greatly.....that where the little leash comes into play.

 

Sorry I gotta go, my wife wants me to do something for her, Yes dear, I'm coming....

 

[whichwayisup]

Good one!

[Karlise13]

A lot of people seem to wonder why their relationships are boring or lack passion.

 

Funny.....

 

Ever wonder if it's YOU sapping the relationship of its excitement and lust?

 

I forget who it was who said "If you're bored all the time...you must be a boring person. If your life is passionless. YOU must be the one lacking passion"

 

Sadgrrl, I'm not coming down on you. But consider WHY your relationship seemed to lack something.

 

Here's this wonderful man who did everything for you...yet you felt unhappy.

 

"Why isn't he making me happy?" you wondered.

 

Unfortunately, many of us decide that the other person is not doing their job in the relationship if we're not happy.

 

Surely...they should be MAKING us happy, should they not?

 

Nobody 'makes' you happy. You make yourself happy.

 

Until you truly feel like a happy person, you will not find it in another partner. Oh, you might find a good distraction for a while.....a young busboy with tight abs.....a tasty doctor with a prediliction for kink.....but who's gonna make you happy?

 

I am sad for the loss of your marriage.

 

True, the future may bring him back. But for now, I'd concentrate on why you have feelings of emptiness and disatisfaction. Could be, it wasn't the man....it was an emptiness YOU brought to the relationship, an emptiness you hvae been trying to fill for many years.

 

Think about it......are you haunted by sadness? Do you have many unfinished projects? Goals started and left unfinished? Are you unfocused in life? Is there something you are terribly afraid of?

 

Look inwards and start being honest with yourself about who you are, whether you like yourself much or not. Do you have the life you want?

 

If not.....it's time to start building it.

 

So sorry for the loss. I lost the love of my life many years ago. Never got him back. I did find another soul mate but it took a long long time.

[sadgrrl]

the strange thing is, when I'm down I sometimes exaggerate how wonderful he is in my mind, which came out in my initial post, and hearing people glorify him I'm thinking, well he wasn't all that great. We had a ton of problems, and he was very controlling in the relationship, and whenever I tried to bring up our problems he would freak out to get me to stop complaining. He didn't want to work on problems. We tried therapy, but there wasn't much to talk about because he didn't think there was anything wrong in our relationship. I should have insisted on getting another therapist, because the dork we went to didn't help me in pushing things. H thought it was a waste of time.

 

And believe me, he was not the kinda guy who would do whatever I wanted. I made tons of sacrifices for him, including major hits to my career by following him around for his job. He generally got his way. I know, I f-cked up by sacrificing beyond what I wanted, and I realized way too late that I resented him for it. But I felt at the time that if he felt strongly about it, I should go along with him because I love him and that should take priority.

 

In sum -- great guy ... yay headrubs and coffee, but no sainthood just yet folks. Sorry I must sound crazy. I'm going thru the gamut of emotions now.