He won't give me... his name?

[Lego]

Hi all, bit of a weird question/dilemma here. Let me give you the rundown:

 

I found someone through an online dating site. He was an exceptional "match %" (like, the highest I'd seen). According to some of this guy's answers to the site's questions, he's at a similar level of relationship experience to me. Which is to say, not much. (This comforted me, to be honest, and it's rare. I figured I'd just found someone who was kinda shy and work-driven like me.)

I messaged him and we exchanged long PM's, so I thought we were hitting it off. We have been communicating for about 3 weeks now, and he'd never said a single thing to indicate any kind of romance. I wanted to give him plenty of time, so we continued talking about our futures, gaming, that kinda thing.

 

We met once (my idea). He seemed OK with the idea of meeting me, and we talked for quite a while. He seemed awkward but I assumed he was just shy.

 

But here's the weird thing - after about 3 WEEKS of talking, I still don't know his last name! He reluctantly gave me his first name awhile back, and never gave me his last. I asked him previously if he had a facebook, and he wouldn't give me that either, saying it was "just for close friends" or something.

 

So I finally decided to ask him his last name today, and he got defensive about it. We had a bit of an argument about it on IM. He seems to think that names are meaningless or something, and was creeped out by the idea that I'd even want to know.

Here's an excerpt from that discussion.

 

 

Him (after I asked him what his last name was): no

 

Me: "Ummm OK, then. You are pretty hard to figure out, but I get the message, so whatever." (This was me telling him I think he never wants an actual relationship.)

 

Him: "I understand it might be some kind of normality for you to know, but what would you gain from knowing it? It has little to no value as far as we're concerned, I wouldln't bother asking for yours unless it were absolutely necessary."

 

Me: "Giving it is a symbol of respect. I guess you could also call it a gesture of trust, too. At least that's how I was raised to believe. Unless it's a ridiculous sounding name or something (and look at mine... you really think I'd judge?), then I don't get it.

I mean this in terms of either frienship OR a romantic relationship. Point is, I don't understand why you'd have an online profile in the first place if you're gonna be that guarded. I don't think I've ever met someone in real life and didn't get their name. I'm just saying it doesn't add up."

 

Him:

"we can establish a better sense of trust between us through plenty of other ways, the point is that our names ultimately shouldn't matter as they mean nothing past an easier way to refer to ourselves

i've met plenty of people whose last names i don't know, and i still call them friends

it's somewhat concerning to me that you keep asking me for it because i'm under the assumption that you're aware of this

it's not that i think you're wrong for asking,

i just don't see the point to it

that's how i'm used to it"

 

later...

"We shouldn't even be talking about this >_<"

 

 

 

I see this name thing as a test: If he never intends to give me his name, then he never wants a romantic relationship. But what if this take on names is more common than I'd thought? Is he really out of the ordinary in being so... guarded?

 

So here's what I ask of you all: is this "name defensiveness" business a big red flag? Is he trying to hide something that he's afraid I'd Google? Just super shy? Or is he friendzoning me and KNOWS he's friendzoning me, and withholding his name is the way to maintain distance?

 

I know nobody can give me "the" answer, but if anyone has had similar experiences or knows more about people who tend to be so guarded like this, I'd love to know.

 

Thanks.

Edited January 18, 2013 by Lego

[MrCastle]

Hahaha that's insane! I've done this to every chick I've ever known. Well, outside of the girls who know me from class, because the teacher has to call us by full name when they do attendance

 

I do it for a variety of reasons. Mostly for privacy/protection reasons. You ever google your name? The stuff that comes up is pretty scary. I've googled some people while bored, and the results did not make me happy. It can lead to so many different paper trails, forums or social networking pages you may have just abandoned and all your posts and pictures are there for the world to see, etc.

 

Also, I've had a problem in the past with being stalked. For whatever reason, a lot of girls I get involved with get really attached very quickly. It's scary.

 

Another reason is I don't really like my last name, and have considered changing it for showbiz or if I ever get my books/scripts published.

[Lego]

How long did you go before you told them? How close did you feel like your relationship was?

[MrCastle]

How long did you go before you told them? How close did you feel like your relationship was?

 

I never told them. A handful asked and I would quickly change the subject. There really is no way to explain my stance without coming off as weird, I get that. Sometimes I'd be honest and tell them why, or sometimes I'd try to sweet talk them and say "well we have to leave a little mystery don't we?"

 

Let me say though that I don't do the girlfriend thing. I multi date, so I'm not exclusive with any of these women. If I were to get exclusive with one, I'd tell them my full name, no problem. It's a trust thing. I don't trust women that are for the most part, strangers, knowing my full name, especially all the stuff you can find out nowadays with technology.

[Lego]

If I were to get exclusive with one, I'd tell them my full name, no problem. It's a trust thing. I don't trust women that are for the most part, strangers, knowing my full name, especially all the stuff you can find out nowadays with technology.

 

OK, it helps that you specify that.

[Imported]

I never told them. A handful asked and I would quickly change the subject. There really is no way to explain my stance without coming off as weird, I get that. Sometimes I'd be honest and tell them why, or sometimes I'd try to sweet talk them and say "well we have to leave a little mystery don't we?"

 

Let me say though that I don't do the girlfriend thing. I multi date, so I'm not exclusive with any of these women. If I were to get exclusive with one, I'd tell them my full name, no problem. It's a trust thing. I don't trust women that are for the most part, strangers, knowing my full name, especially all the stuff you can find out nowadays with technology.

 

Women go out on dates with you without even knowing your first and last name?

 

I have been very careful to not link my name to anything I do on the internet and would never upload a picture. If you google my name, you'll just find my age and what areas I have lived in.......and my family tree dating back to the 1500's because of some busy bodies in my family keeping history.

 

Still though, I have no problems giving my full name to a girl and would never even consider going out on a date with a girl that refused to give me her last name. Just seems so odd to me that that is a problem.

[Cutiepie1976]

Agreed! Never encountered this. Guys I met via OLD (or other means) volunteered their full name when we started chatting on the phone. Certainly, I had that information before ever meeting in person.

 

Someone hiding a first or last name would be a red flag for me--married and cheating? Criminal record? Trust issues? Not serious about dating? Looking for a casual hookup rather than a relationship? Etc. None of these are things I care to deal with, so I pass. Lots of other fish in the dating ocean. I'll pick another instead.

 

In dating, follow your intuition rather than second guessing your reactions and feelings or trying to rationalize away your initial discomfort. Mine has yet to steer me wrong.

 

Cheers!

Edited January 18, 2013 by Cutiepie1976

[MrCastle]

Women go out on dates with you without even knowing your first and last name?

 

Sure. Lol, I mean people go to bars, get drunk, and wake up naked next to someone and forget their first name so yeah; it's never really been a big deal

 

When I meet a girl, I ask for her name, she tells me Lisa, I don't say "Lisa what?", I just go with Lisa. That's all I need. I don't have facebook, so I don't ask people their full names to look them up and add them as a friend. In this world of social network openness, I keep my distance; so talking about last names doesn't really come up in a conversation organically.

 

My dates are based off pure attraction. We dig each other, we know each other's first names, that's good enough, let's get down to business. Then, when the ride is over, we both go our separate ways

[darkmoon]

you haven't even met yet, not face to face, once you start dating, and he trusts you, then expect the name, it's not a red flag atmo

 

i've known people keep stuff secret, names, addreses, you are not yet in a mutually exclusive relatonship, not even dating

[Balzac]

you haven't even met yet, not face to face, once you start dating, and he trusts you, then expect the name, it's not a red flag atmo

 

i've known people keep stuff secret, names, addreses, you are not yet in a mutually exclusive relatonship, not even dating

 

We met once (my idea). He seemed OK with the idea of meeting me, and we talked for quite a while. He seemed awkward but I assumed he was just shy.

hmmm. [10 characters]

[Toddbt12y1]

Trust no one these days. If he cannot provide his name, after a while...Then there is obviously some secret he has.

 

Most people these days live a double life.

[StanMusial]

He seems kinda shady. Its one thing not to offer up information but it seems like in the context you've given he's being evasive.

 

You're not coming off as stalkerish are you? Maybe he's afraid you will google his name and find his warrants.

[KraftDinner]

I think it's kind of weird that he didn't give his name, but to be honest I think it's weirder you got into a conversation with him about it trying to convince him he's wrong. I dunno.

[Eternal Sunshine]

His justification as to why sounds like complete BS.

[Toddbt12y1]

He could at least give his name LOL. Especially if she and he are looking to potentially date.

[Toddbt12y1]

Well he has a wonderful name.

[curlygirl40]

Hmmmm. I can't decide on this one. I do think he's a bit defensive and I think he could have handled it better. My first thought was 'run!' but then after I thought about it more, maybe he's just being safe.

 

I have a very public job and when people google me, they find PAGES of information about me. All positive so I have no worries, but still. They will find my blog, my website, my e-mail address, my cell phone number, where I live, all of the races I have run in and how slow I run (lol, kidding). Ugh.

 

I just started dating someone and he offered his last name up first and I gave him mine. I joked with him after we met and asked him if he knew where I lived (we met on eharmony but we live in the same small town which is odd). He told me that he had told a female coworker my name and she decided to do some detective work on her own and she gave him my whole rundown. 'No worries, not so much as a parking ticket. She was officially divorced in XYZ, she lives here...' and she even google street viewed my house and showed him!! We were laughing about it but in the back of my mind I'm thinking I won't be so quick to offer up my last name in the future. Although with just my first name and my town people can find me on the net. Oy.

 

All of the information she found was public record, but still.

 

So maybe he's just being cautious. Maybe he's dealt with a stalker before and he's trying to be careful.

 

I didn't like how defensive he was though, that was more a red flag to me than the fact that he wouldn't give it to you.

 

Just go forward with your eyes wide open.

[jlindemann]

I was on a dating site before I met my boyfriend. I met a few guys hung out, and even went to their houses, etc.

 

I had a friend that refused to let me go on any dates alone unless I texted her their first and last name, AND address if I knew it.

 

You just never know what kind of creeps are on the internet. Really makes me think there is something he is hiding.

 

I'm glad I had a friend that forced me to get all that information BEFORE I decided to meet these guys alone. She always knew who I was with and where we were going. Therefore if something happened to me...she knew...

[Toddbt12y1]

Yeah he could have a record or something he doesn't want her knowing.

[Drseussgrrl]

Yeah he could have a record or something he doesn't want her knowing.

 

I miss the good ol' days when actually knowing who someone was before going on a date wasn't "cause for concern" for the other party.

[weee111]

Are you sure you aren't dating someone from this board? Wasn't there a thread about someone who doesn't give his name out?

 

If you can think up a reason to email him, when he replies his first and last name might be included in the email headers depending on what email provider he uses

[MrCastle]

Are you sure you aren't dating someone from this board? Wasn't there a thread about someone who doesn't give his name out?

 

Yeah...me.

[weee111]

Yeah...me.

 

See the stress you cause these poor women

[El Brujo]

Maybe the guy just hates his name and he can't afford to hire a lawyer to help him get it legally changed.

 

A couple of years ago, this man whose last name was Womack wanted to take his new bride's last name of Ryan. Their case went all the way to the CA supreme court and resulted in a new law that lets people change their names to pretty much anything they want to.

 

I've talked to a lot of people who, for reasons I'll never understand, think it should be illegal to hate one's own name... even if someone has a name like Waldo Whifflefart.