Complicatied Situation, Need Help

[blitzed]

Ok, I don't know exactly where to begin with everything so I'll just start at the beginning. My senior year of highschool I began going out with a girl that is now my ex. The relationship grew and grew with time and was really intense emotionally. It was at least a couple months into the relationship before both of us got up the nerve to even kiss each other. But things continued to progress and time passed. We used to fight about tons of stupid **** because both of us were so emotionally involved and paranoid about losing the other person. It was one of those things were you get upset over something really dumb just because you care so much that it drives you nuts when things aren't perfect between the two of you. The type of love where you can't "leave it be". As soon as you walk away in fustration or anger and find yourself coming back right away to make it right. So anyways, so continued to go out through my senior year and began having sex eventually. This didn't cause problems immediatly, but would lead to the end of the relationship eventually.

 

One day she was afraid to go home to her dad because he had a history of abusing her out of drunken anger. So I and a few other friends of mine looked for a place for her to stay for the night. All we could find was one of my friend's houses and decided to spend the night there. Next morning we were woken up to the sound of police pounding on the door. One of my other friends had told the cops were I was staying that night. They were there for my girlfriend. Appearantly her dad immediatly filed a missing person's report, and the cops questioned my friends because he believed that she had run away with me. So the cops showed up and took her away back to her dad. But another officer took me into custody also. At the station they questioned me about our relationship and why she didn't go home, ect. But then they kept questioning whether or not I had sex with her. Now at the time I was 18, but started having sex when I was 17. She was 16 at the time. I kep denying having any sexual contact, and the police kept pushing me. It got to the point where i was almost sobbing in the corner while two policemen cornered me and kept poking me in the chest with two fingers yelling at me, "you raped that little girl didn't you?!" I collapsed and the police found it reason enough to assume that I was lying. They proceeded to say, "what if i said she thinks she's pregnant?" I said, "well not from me". Cop then said, "so your telling me that even after going out for at least 9 months you never did anything sexual with her?" I said, "well no, not really" Thats where i got screwed..they said, "not really?" I knew i was done, they had got me in a technicality. Next thing I knew I was being read my rights and placed in handcuffs. I had screwed up bad.

 

After all this had happened I never talked to my girlfriend from then to after court was over with. I got to talk to my judge one on one and got my felony 2nd degree sexual assult of a child, down to a misdemenor charge. The judge knew it was a relationship and not a rape charge and let everything go. Those police though had a 20 page statement written up because it was a small town and they have no big news to handle. In ANY bigger city something like this would've been either laughed at or a small police statement of 5-8 pages in length. My lawyer told me this first hand..So anyways it's all over with and i haven't really talked to her. I couple times we chatted online and she said she missed me and still loved me and that we should get back together when she turns 18 in 2 years.

 

More problems started. Both me and her still had feelings for each other, but waiting two years was going to take a lot of strength on both of us. Needless to say both of us got involved sexually with other people and jealosy took over and we started fighting and eventually stopped talking. This was still fairly in the beginning of the 2 year split up. So basically we stopped talking for quite awhile, like 6 months at least. During this time I had a another girlfriend and eventually broke up with her for someone else. I know why I did it too. I didn't realize it then, but I realize it now. I was going from girl to girl looking for the same qualities that I had seen in my ex girlfriend, but couldn't find them. All of this leads up to my current problem which I have been builing into for way too long now.

 

My current girlfriend I have been with for about a year now. She lives with me because her mom cant support her and is also alcoholic. I still dont feel the same way as i used to towards her as i did that one relationship with my ex. When I fight about things with my current girlfriend I find myself leaving, like I used to with my ex, but nothing makes me want to go back and make it right. It's like I dont care as much what happens. So anyways, everything is going ok wih my current girlfriend but me and my ex started talking recently on the phone again. She's happy with her current boyfriend, and they got engaged to get married. They're going to get married pretty soon after she turnes 18, which is THIS month. So we start talking on the phone and things go well. Nothing is said about feelings or anything like that. She even went out of her way to make sure she's not "leading me on" or something like that. But my question is why is talking to me when it could get her into deep s*** with her current boyfriend? Both her boyfriend and her dad hate me now, but yet she persists to try and talk to me whenever she's not with her boyfriend. It's very confusing. We just talk about general things nothing about getting back together or things like that. But there's tons of things she says that lead me to believe that she still wants there to be more with me. It's hard to explain and would require another message, because this one is getting long enough as it is. But it's the same things she used to do when we first started going out, but then she is all like, "I hope I'm not leading you on."

 

This brings me to my current situation. I have my girlfriend, who has nowhere to go if we broke up, and is living with me. I have been talking to my ex and we were getting alonge good until right now as i am writing this. She said 2 weeks ago that she really wanted to talk to me but not to write back. (phone text message) and finally today the waiting got to me and i messged asking to talk today and she flipped and said "you cant message anytime you want, wtf i have a boyfriend"...But yet she messages me and i have a girlfriend.. My problem is that it seems as though she still have some feelings left, but because she is with her boyfriend she wont talk about anything. So why is she even talking to me? It obviously gets her into trouble with her boyfriend, and she doesn't talk to other ex boyfriends she had since me. We were supposed to get back together in 6 days too...thats why i thought the recent contact maybe meant something...but I just dunno. We were going to meet at the local resturant at 4:30 on aug 26. That date was setup during the beginning and i doubt she'll be there. O god look at this mess i've gotten into. And like i said now she just flipped at me about messaging when she had something to urgently talk to me about, i wait 2 weeks after nothing and then i message and get yelled at...wtf? I dunno what I'm going to do.....plz plz help

[uriel]

This ex gf should not have contacted you, given that she's serious enough with her current bf to marry him. This only betrays him and confuses you. She's not making a kind or wise choice. She's probably sought you out to test whether she still has feelings strong enough to make her doubt her forthcoming marriage. She won't admit that, but it's just what a messed up girl would do (rather than trying to heal herself or honor her new commitments).

 

You, however, can make better choices. If you are still devoted to your current gf, stop the messaging and don't meet your ex. Let the matter drop. All of the emotional connection and chaotic intensity (given her family problems and how you got zapped when trying to help her) have left you with unresolved feelings for her. However, I think you already know at some level that she can't help you resolve them. She's still too messed up herself.

 

Also, for the future -- Stop getting involved with women who need to be saved. Save yourself by making better choices. If your current gf has problems, help her to heal and stabilize. Get serious about that. Work things out with her. Foresake all others.

 

If things don't work out with her, look for a girl next time who's not actively addicted, has healed or done serious healing work on past traumas, comes to you single and unattached, works for a living, and likes herself. You deserve a woman who just cares about you and likes you for who you are -- and not for what you do for her by holding her basket and case together.

 

-- uriel

[pixie2004]

 

Why do you always end up with people who's got tons of baggage. You are way to young for such complications!

 

Stop going after birds with broken wings.

[blitzed]

Well thats just it though. It's really hard to find anyone today that doesn't have something up with them in one way or another. I didn't know that the girls situations were like this prior to going out with them. It just happened that way. I've had relationships where the girl just needs to be "saved" and I don't like them. The girl I was talking about was normal to me. She used pills once in a while, but everyone I know in my age group has used some type of drug at one time or another. Varying from pot to alcohol.. (yes alcohol is a drug, as well as nicotine) That really isn't the point in all of this. The point is that when we were going out we needed each other and it was the best thing that ever happened. Then we got split up my authorities. Now I still find myself wondering if it could ever be still...I think by her talking to me she is thinking the same thing...but is also too attached to her boyfriend to consider persuing it further..or maybe she is just maintaining a connection so if something does go wrong she has someone to fall back on...but I don't want that...Haven't heard from her in several days, so I"m assuming she got into trouble with her boyfriend or someone else about this..My decision is to just leave it be and worry about my own stuff. If it is meant to be it'll happen, if not, then I wont have wasted my time waiting for something that will never happen.

[uriel]

Your problem may be that you don't recognize chaos when you see it because of the type of people with whom you've surrounded yourself. Look for people who don't use in the present moment (everyone has a past). Look for people who work hard, pay their bills, and make future plans. Look for people who are true to their word and care about others.

 

Yes -- there are plenty of us out here.

 

Believe me when I tell you this girl is messed up. Doesn't mean she isn't lovable or deserving of being loved. Just means that you're in for it if you try to be the one to give it to her. She needs to heal herself and clean up her own mess before she's ready for any stable, committed relationship.

 

-- uriel