what to do?

[PAS]

I (32 years) have been going out with my girlfriend (just turned 28 years) for about 2.5 years.

 

I was always attracted to her before I met her (and she always said the same thing about me).

 

I feel in love with her about 6 months into our relationship and my love for her has grown stronger over time.

 

Even though we have different backgrounds (my parents are Italian, and her parents are Greek) and different likes/dislikes (for example, I was sporty and her not, I liked clubs and she liked pubs) I do truly love her and wish to be with her for the remainder of our years.

 

I believe that she loves me because she has told me so on many occasions and she would always call me from overseas holidays, or send me mesages, or buy me clothes, or take photos of us, etc, etc.

 

Over the past 15 months or so I have started talking with her about our future, marriage, children, etc, upon which we discussed much and even though she said that she was not quite ready for marriage (which I understood and respected) our discussions always suggested to me that we were headed in the right direction.

 

Our relationship has been a little restrained because her parents are quite traditional thinking Greeks and she respects her parents views and would prefer not to conflict with them (which I respect), for example we have one been away together once (only because others were also present), we do not live together (she would not live with a partner before marriage), though we do have an intimate relationship and have made love on reasonable occassions (which was beautiful). I have always told her that I love her and she has always said the same though I think that I am more settled than her and she is defintely more of a worrier than me. She would on reasonable occassions ask me if I loved her (I always said yes).

 

She dropped a bombshell on me about 2 weeks ago when I started to talk again about our future. She says that she is not yet ready for marriage and she is not sure when she will be and this concerns her. She is now thinking whether I am the one for her even though she said that she loves me and meant everything that she said in the past. She is worried that her uncertainty will mean that she is holding me back and that maybe I should get on with my life. She said that she has been thinking about these matters for a few months and is more confused than ever. We have not seen each other for about 10 days but we spoke yesterday and she said that the small time off has confused her more.

 

I love her so much and do not want to lose her. She has bought much happiness and fulfillment into my life and I am ##### scared of losing the one true love in my life. She still reiterates her love for me.

 

Any comments would be appreciated.

[Tony T]

She is only being honest and forthright with you. You have to give her credit for that. You cannot force her feelings. There's nothing you can do to change her mind one way or another. My guess is that she has been talking to her mother or someone else close to her and getting ideas put into her head.

 

After 2.5 years of seeing someone, you should be pretty sure about them. She could be going through the normal thing of wondering if she's doing the right thing. Sometimes this happens when someone is contemplating making a final decision on a relationship. Maybe she's just wanting to see your reaction. If you handle this like a rational man and just let her know you are hurt, but you will be supportive of her decision, she will be impressed and have a lot of respect for that. If you act like a whining wimp, she will probably end the relationship.

 

Either way, she is doing you a favor. You are getting of the age where you will want to settle down in a stable relationship. If she's not the lady for you, if that's not what she wants to do, let her go with love and move on. As we get older, we don't have the luxury of lots of time to get over relationships before starting new ones.

 

Give this a bit more time. If she maintains her indecisive position...and put NO pressure on her...let her go. Why would you want to keep a lady around you who isn't sure what she wants? That's not a very good feeling to have coming from the one you love. You cannot feel very secure with someone who's not sure how they feel about you.

 

A woman who loves you and cares about you and wants to make you the centerpiece of her life will have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBTS WHATSOEVER once she's made her decision.

 

Whatever you do, don't stick around and make problems for her and an ass out of yourself. Respect her feelings and her decisions. Trying to change her mind or put pressure on her is NOT something you want to do.

[Ed]

You are in a very difficult situation. It is hard to do - what you need to do - if this relationship is going to survive.

 

I know that this is tearing you up inside, but you have got to refrain from putting any pressure on her about your future together as a couple. If you continue to bring up the subject it may drive her further away. You will just have to find other outlets (like LoveShack, or bend a friend's ear) to vent the frustration you are feeling.

 

She has already expressed her reservations about the relationship. She already knows how you feel about her and what you would like for the future. The best thing you can do now is TRY REAL HARD to show her the love you feel for her instead of the pain and fear of being rejected.

 

She will have to make this decision for herself. There is nothing you can do to make her feel what you want her to feel. It's enough work maintaining our own feelings. Don't try to take on the job of maintaining hers too.

[Deejette]

Her parents may be putting pressure on her to marry within the Greek community. The Greek community in the US is very tightly-knit and my experience from observing my Greek friends is that they prefet to marry within the culture. If this is the case, you may be the boyfriend she reminisces about to her Greek husband one day (whom she obediently married to please her family).

You are in a very difficult situation. It is hard to do - what you need to do - if this relationship is going to survive. I know that this is tearing you up inside, but you have got to refrain from putting any pressure on her about your future together as a couple. If you continue to bring up the subject it may drive her further away. You will just have to find other outlets (like LoveShack, or bend a friend's ear) to vent the frustration you are feeling. She has already expressed her reservations about the relationship. She already knows how you feel about her and what you would like for the future. The best thing you can do now is TRY REAL HARD to show her the love you feel for her instead of the pain and fear of being rejected.

 

She will have to make this decision for herself. There is nothing you can do to make her feel what you want her to feel. It's enough work maintaining our own feelings. Don't try to take on the job of maintaining hers too.

[tnt]

She is only being honest and forthright with

you. You have to give her credit for that. You cannot force her feelings. There's nothing you can do to change her mind one way or another. My guess is that she has been talking to her mother or someone else close to her and getting ideas put into her head. After 2.5 years of seeing someone, you should be pretty sure about them. She could be going through the normal thing of wondering if she's doing the right thing. Sometimes this happens when someone is contemplating making a final decision on a relationship. Maybe she's just wanting to see your reaction. If you handle this like a rational man and just let her know you are hurt, but you will be supportive of her decision, she will be impressed and have a lot of respect for that. If you act like a whining wimp, she will probably end the relationship. Either way, she is doing you a favor. You are getting of the age where you will want to settle down in a stable relationship. If she's not the lady for you, if that's not what she wants to do, let her go with love and move on. As we get older, we don't have the luxury of lots of time to get over relationships before starting new ones. Give this a bit more time. If she maintains her indecisive position...and put NO pressure on her...let her go. Why would you want to keep a lady around you who isn't sure what she wants? That's not a very good feeling to have coming from the one you love. You cannot feel very secure with someone who's not sure how they feel about you. A woman who loves you and cares about you and wants to make you the centerpiece of her life will have ABSOLUTELY NO DOUBTS WHATSOEVER once she's made her decision. Whatever you do, don't stick around and make problems for her and an ass out of yourself. Respect her feelings and her decisions. Trying to change her mind or put pressure on her is NOT something you want to do. What are we talking about?