Act Two Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Has anyone here tried it? My STBXH and I are going to start our separation in the next week or so, with an attempt for bird's nesting. This is where the parents rotate in and out of the home and the kids stay put. We put in our mediation paperwork that we will do this for a year and then re-evaluate- I know it can't last forever but for the time being we wanted to minimize the trauma and transition for the kids. The other financial consideration we have is that our house took a big hit over the past few years and we would not profit much by selling so we will hold onto it a little longer until one of us can buy the other person out or we can sell and start over somewhere. Anyway, just curious if anyone else has heard of this or tried it? My lawyer and mediator said it's going to really suck and think of it as short-term. Link to post Share on other sites
Keenly Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I have never heard of this, but to me, it just sounds kind of unnecessary. Link to post Share on other sites
UpwardForward Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 It appears to me the two of you are on the right track. You are considering the children and their needs rather than property to drive back and forth to different residents & surroundings. Also, a wise move in this bad market to hold off on sale of your house (or a future buy out). If values creep up to where they were 7 or so years ago, it will be very slowly. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 That's pretty creative. Are you doing three domiciles or rotating into/out of the secondary domicile? I could see this working where it's important to keep the kids within their neighborhood/social group and a particular school district or private school, as well as regarding the secondary financial considerations. IMO, if the parents are amicable, it could work fine. Of course, if the parents are amicable, that kinda sucks for the lawyers 1 Link to post Share on other sites
jlindemann Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I could never do this with my ex, because he would "snoop" though my things. He is constantly spying on me, to this day. I feel like I have no privacy. Plus, this would require 3 homes. One for the "family", one for him separately, and one for me separately. Just doesn't financially make sense. I think if you can do this without issues, it's good for the kids. But they do need to have the sense of reality that you are divorced and not getting back together. I feel like my kids would constantly feel like we would get back together because they wouldn't know what it's like for us to actually live separate. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Act Two Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 That's pretty creative. Are you doing three domiciles or rotating into/out of the secondary domicile? I could see this working where it's important to keep the kids within their neighborhood/social group and a particular school district or private school, as well as regarding the secondary financial considerations. IMO, if the parents are amicable, it could work fine. Of course, if the parents are amicable, that kinda sucks for the lawyers We are both going to live at our parents' houses when not in the marital home (rotating in and out). I don't know how sustainable that is either, but for now, it keeps expenses down. The kids get to keep their neighborhood friends and familiar surroundings for a little while longer. Hopefully it will work- we are pretty amicable right now so fingers crossed. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 We are both going to live at our parents' houses when not in the marital home (rotating in and out). I don't know how sustainable that is either, but for now, it keeps expenses down. The kids get to keep their neighborhood friends and familiar surroundings for a little while longer. Hopefully it will work- we are pretty amicable right now so fingers crossed. It sounds like of one those things that is better on paper than in reality. For me, divorce was about establishing the best "new normal" for myself and my son. It seems that the limbo you're placing yourself it not only prevents that but creates the potential for a whole host of other issues. Somehow, your relationship which is so damaged it's heading to divorce is going to be a positive force in sustaining this shared household? Divorce is hard but often worth the pain. I'd recommend biting the bullet and getting it done... Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
todreaminblue Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I have never heard of this expression....sounds like it could work in the short term until things were appropriate......if you had trust i guess..do you really need the lawyers?..best wishes.....deb Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 OP, is this separation due to statutory requirement along the divorce pathway? I see traction for the 'new normal' pathway as a preference but you know your circumstances best. I wouldn't want the new normal to be impoverished, as is often a risk when one household becomes two, especially in this economy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Act Two Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 Yes, this economy sucks! The equity in the home dropped so much in the past 5 years. This arrangement will help us financially so that maybe in a year we will be in a better place to establish two separate households. We live in PA where there is no legal separation, but really we've been for all intents and purposes separated under the same roof for at least 6 months, which has been torture. This plan will at least have us able to not be sharing the same space at the same time. The divorce paperwork is taking all of this into account including how to legally handle co-owning property/real estate post-divorce (which is a little tricky). I agree, Mr. Lucky, not really an ideal situation. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 For most people, it's exceedingly difficult to transition from joint tenants to tenants in common post divorce, especially if the agreed/adjudicated transition is markedly different than 50/50. If that is your goal, this bird's nest separation period should serve as a definite test of your and her ability to work together amicably. I hope it goes well. The stability of your child's life is one clear incentive. Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I agree, Mr. Lucky, not really an ideal situation. As we both know, divorce is already hard enough. Add the stress of the living arrangement you describe - including living with your parents - and my head would explode in short order. Are there really no better alternatives? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
AussieDad Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Hi Act Two, My STXW and I did exactly this. Even thou her infidelity was a emotional roller coaster for me. I chose to put the kids before EVERYTHING else. We shared the family home with one of us moving out 1 week at a time while the kids stay put. It worked really well until the Family home sold in December. The kids handled our breakup very well and was safe and secure in familiar surroundings with their friend network still close by. It will still throw challenges at you but just have rules in place ( My biggest was no sex in the family home by either of us ). We shared for a total of 10 months. Hope that helps . Good luck . Edit: I will add that during this period of shared arrangement i continued to find out more about what my wife got up to during the marriage, but I had decided not to forgive anymore and move on with divorce , I chose not to tell her about the extra info because apart from getting it of my chest it had no real benefit to me or the kids for it to come out. Edited January 21, 2013 by AussieDad 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mr. Lucky Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 The kids handled our breakup very well and was safe and secure in familiar surroundings with their friend network still close by. It will still throw challenges at you but just have rules in place ( My biggest was no sex in the family home by either of us ). We shared for a total of 10 months. Hope that helps . Good luck . AussieDad, here's what I don't understand - why good does it do to delay the inevitable? The move still has to be made at some point, right? You're not sparing your kids the disruption, you're simply postponing it. And continuing to expose them to the tensions involved. As to the "no sex" rule, I'm going to assume you had a "rule" during your marriage that you'd only have sex with each other. How'd that work out ??? Mr. Lucky Link to post Share on other sites
Mme. Chaucer Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I really like the idea of "bird nesting," though I haven't heard that term before. It seems much more fair to the kids to have the same home consistently rather than being shuttled back and forth because the relationship of their parents failed. No finger pointing - I was divorced too. But I have often been disturbed by the logistics kids endure so that their parents get the allotted time with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Act Two Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 AussieDad- thanks for sharing that. I'm glad it worked, albeit short term for you. Very encouraging! Mr. Lucky- yes, my head is going to explode probably with my parents. I'm hoping to get an apartment for my time not with the kids. Probably sooner rather than later. I think it minimizes, not postpones disruption. The big disruption is the kids not seeing both parents every day and that feels traumatic enough (IMO) to start with. I guess I am seeing it as softening the blow. We won't be there at the same time so there won't be ongoing bickering or tension, although I'm sure we will run into bumps. After a year I would like to get two legit households and hopefully he can buy me out of the house (doubtful that I can). The kids go to private school so switching neighborhoods would not be the end of the world as they will keep their school regardless, but it would be nice to keep their friends on our street nearby. Link to post Share on other sites
marknicolas12 Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Does anyone have an experience with this unique style of custody arrangement? This is my wife's proposal - Link to post Share on other sites
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