jlindemann Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I'm not legally divorced (waiting for my tax return to get an attorney). But I've been seeing my new guy for a while. My kids met him and like him. My siblings want nothing to do with him. They're grown, married adults. I think it's because I'm not divorced yet?? They wont allow me to invite him to family functions at their house. The worst thing is, they hated my ex! So I really dont know what the big deal is. Neither one of them will sit down and have a real conversation with me about it. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Seriously, you can't wait to present your boyfriend to your family until you're legally single? You plan to spend the rest of your life together, you can spare another 6 months to a year as a separated woman. You'll have to deal with your family for the rest of your life; respect their wishes. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 And how much is a while? And how long after you left your husband did you start dating him? Those could have had something to do with it. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlindemann Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 Seriously, you can't wait to present your boyfriend to your family until you're legally single? You plan to spend the rest of your life together, you can spare another 6 months to a year as a separated woman. You'll have to deal with your family for the rest of your life; respect their wishes. I wasn't aware that my family had a say so in how I ran my life. And if my ex and I could be divorced as simple as signing a paper, it would have been done a long time ago. Unfortunately, can't get divorced until I have the money for an attorney. Link to post Share on other sites
NateC Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I wasn't aware that my family had a say so in how I ran my life. And if my ex and I could be divorced as simple as signing a paper, it would have been done a long time ago. Unfortunately, can't get divorced until I have the money for an attorney. They may not have a say, but they certainly are an important part of your life ....right? As far as I know taxes are just around the corner, so do your best to be patient until you are actually legally single. Damaging ties with family can be permanent. Link to post Share on other sites
Radu Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) I wasn't aware that my family had a say so in how I ran my life. And if my ex and I could be divorced as simple as signing a paper, it would have been done a long time ago. Unfortunately, can't get divorced until I have the money for an attorney. They have a say into what goes on in their house. Their house, their rules. Secondly, your life is your kids. When you have them, they are your life ... Frankly, your entire post sounds very entitled. Some ppl don't think it's right for a married man/woman to date another person while being still technically married. It debases marriage even further. Not to mention that introducing this guy to your kids [after how many months ?] will likely raise some eyebrows. And you want to introduce him to their families too; do they have their own kids ... what kind of an example will this be to their kids ? Edited January 19, 2013 by Radu Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlindemann Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 Thanks for the follow up. I waited a while before I introduced him to my kids. That really isn't the question here. I didn't even want my kids to know about him, but my ex found out and told them. I'm more frustrated with the fact that my siblings wont even sit down and have a heart to heart with me about all of this, rather than just saying "no, he can't come". Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 how old are you n your siblings? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlindemann Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 We're all in our early 30's Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Thanks for the follow up. I waited a while before I introduced him to my kids. That really isn't the question here. I didn't even want my kids to know about him, but my ex found out and told them. I'm more frustrated with the fact that my siblings wont even sit down and have a heart to heart with me about all of this, rather than just saying "no, he can't come". I hear you about the heart to heart. If you were my sister, if I didn't agree with what you're doing, I would have at least sat you down and explained it. But I do understand how it may be uncomfortable for them and so they'd rather not deal with you guys as a couple. I'd try to broach the subject again.Perhaps invite them all to lunch/brunch/dinner and bring it up that it hurts you that they won't talk to you and you'd like to at least hear their honest opinions about him/the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlindemann Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 I hear you about the heart to heart. If you were my sister, if I didn't agree with what you're doing, I would have at least sat you down and explained it. But I do understand how it may be uncomfortable for them and so they'd rather not deal with you guys as a couple. I'd try to broach the subject again.Perhaps invite them all to lunch/brunch/dinner and bring it up that it hurts you that they won't talk to you and you'd like to at least hear their honest opinions about him/the situation. Thanks MissBee! It's nice to hear someone trying to help me, rather than passing judgment about things they have no clue about, and jumping down my throat. I was looking for some way to resolve this situation, rather than have other posters just basically jump to conclusions about my siblings and my children. I suppose that you're right, and I continue to have to try and initiate the conversation so that I understand how they feel, and so they understand how I feel too. I actually texted my brother to see if he was available this evening to sit and chat. I want to understand them, but I want them to understand me as well. I'm not trying to go around flaunting my new partner, but I'm establishing a relationship with him...and meeting families after a signifigant period of time is part of that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 The only conclusion I drew was that you wanted your siblings to do what YOU wanted. And you're mad that they won't. If I had to guess, THEY are mad that you WANT them to. Why is YOUR way the right way and theirs the wrong way? Sometimes the advice you get isn't what you want to hear, but is worth considering. Link to post Share on other sites
KraftDinner Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 I think your siblings are being very unfair. Do y'all have like a competitive thing going on between you? It sort of sounds like they are trying to assert "power" over you or something. They didn't like your ex and they're being stupid about this new guy. Not nice. Link to post Share on other sites
MyPoutine Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 If they refuse to even talk about there is not much else you can do unless you are a mind reader and can figure out what the problem is. DOn't hound them about it, just leave it be for a while - perhaps until after the divorce - and try again, it may make a difference. Link to post Share on other sites
Eclypse Posted January 23, 2013 Share Posted January 23, 2013 What a weird family. Does this mean your ex husband still gets invited to Christmas dinner since you're still legally married? All this "legally single" stuff is a bit fishy. You become single when your relationship ends. It's quite rude that they won't even talk to you about it. As a family member you are entitled to that respect. Sadly I can't offer much practical advice. Perhaps an ultimatum? How close are you with them? Link to post Share on other sites
Wolfcub Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 Well, your family did not like your ex and they turned out to be right about him. You are divorcing him, he was not Mr. Right for you. Maybe they are right about your present boyfriend as well? You know how it is - the person in love does not see faults but everybody else does. They don't explain - probably they don't want to hurt your feelings or can't really formulate whats wrong with this guy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlindemann Posted January 24, 2013 Author Share Posted January 24, 2013 Well, your family did not like your ex and they turned out to be right about him. You are divorcing him, he was not Mr. Right for you. Maybe they are right about your present boyfriend as well? You know how it is - the person in love does not see faults but everybody else does. They don't explain - probably they don't want to hurt your feelings or can't really formulate whats wrong with this guy. They haven't even given him a chance, so this can't be why. They've only met him in passing, and did the "polite" shake hands, and that's about it. No one has had a conversation with him. And my ex was awful to me, if they would give my new guy a chance, they would see he's so far from being mean to me. Link to post Share on other sites
turnera Posted January 24, 2013 Share Posted January 24, 2013 They haven't even given him a chance, so this can't be why. They've only met him in passing, and did the "polite" shake hands, and that's about it. No one has had a conversation with him. And my ex was awful to me, if they would give my new guy a chance, they would see he's so far from being mean to me. They'll have plenty of time to do that, later, when they are comfortable meeting him after you're officially divorced. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author jlindemann Posted January 25, 2013 Author Share Posted January 25, 2013 So I had a long talk with my brother last night. Apparently he had a lot of misconceptions about my situation, which is why he didn't want to invite the BF to things at his house. I wish he would have talked to me sooner so we could get this cleared up!! But he knows he was wrong to not have talked wtih me about everythign to clear the air, and he has since invited the BF to a party at his house this weekend. Now to see if I can get my sister to have a chat with me. Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 (edited) Thanks MissBee! It's nice to hear someone trying to help me, rather than passing judgment about things they have no clue about, and jumping down my throat. I was looking for some way to resolve this situation, rather than have other posters just basically jump to conclusions about my siblings and my children. I suppose that you're right, and I continue to have to try and initiate the conversation so that I understand how they feel, and so they understand how I feel too. I actually texted my brother to see if he was available this evening to sit and chat. I want to understand them, but I want them to understand me as well. I'm not trying to go around flaunting my new partner, but I'm establishing a relationship with him...and meeting families after a signifigant period of time is part of that. Yea sometimes folks have a tendency here to start lecturing about parts of your post that have nothing to do with your actual problem and I myself have probably been guilty a time or two...but I really try not to do that. I'm glad you cleared up the misconception with your brother and hopefully the same happens with your sister. My recommendation is: your situation is not the norm, so you have to be a bit more flexible. In that, for example, if a person who is single, legally and otherwise, is dating then yes after some time they can meet the family and it is all par for the course. In your case, you have to understand that because you are still married, for some it's hard to swallow and so perhaps your time frame for introducing them to your new bf has to be different. I don't remember how long you've been dating...but I don't think there should be any rush. If you think you'll be together next year...then there is no crime in introducing him later on in the relationship, as your situation may settle down a bit by then. But rushing to have them all meet up doesn't really make sense to me...esp. if there is tension or loose ends ( your marriage) that have not been tied up as of yet. If this relationship is worthwhile..he'll be around later on when things have settled and can meet your family then. I'm sure it will be an easier and more pleasant situation if you wait a bi more, than trying to force a meet up now when people are uncomfortable with the situation (and arguably, for good reason). Edited February 17, 2013 by MissBee Link to post Share on other sites
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