Commitment Phobe Mindf&*k

[Ariella1984]

Hi all,

 

Geez. Where do I begin. My mind is pretty much a whirlwind right now. I wanted to share my experience here because I find the posts on these forums to be very helpful and insightful. I feel like I was just taken on an emotional roller coaster ride from hell with what I believe to be one of the many men (ahem, boys) out there suffering from commitment phobia (though it seems like WE on the other end of this are the ones left to suffer) So...here we go...

 

Boy meets girl..blah blah blah. I am a 28 year old female, he a 29 (will be 30 next week) male. We met at work. Typical commitment phobic beginning: came on very strong, did all of the initiating and pulled out all of the stops. Everything was so wonderful at first. On one of our first dates he did mention an ex girlfriend that he had broken up with only a couple months before he had met me (red flag number 1, I guess). What he said about her was: He was on and off with her for a year and a half, it was the most destructive relationship of his life, described it as a "relationship of convenience" and that life was too short to waste time in something like that (one of his reasons for ending it). He knew he wasn't going to end up with her, he said. It did set off my radar a bit that he was newly out of a relationship and I was concerned of becoming a "rebound", however he seemed like he was completely ready to move on and very sure of what he had learned from that experience, so I decided to give it a go.

 

We became exclusive about 1 month and a half into dating (initiated by him). We slept together for the first time after 2 months (he wanted to wait because he 'really wanted to be with me, and didn't want to rush and screw it up'). He told me he had never felt this excited about a girl before, that he usually keeps girls at arms length, and tends to get into relationships that are "good for now" and had trouble letting people in (red flag number 2) he explained how he felt differently with me. I thought that since he felt differently and so excited with me, that things would be different with me, right? I ignored his rocky past (never really having any relationships longer than this on and off year and a half one that he claimed was so awful) and trusted in what he was feeling for me and what I was feeling from him.

 

Things were wonderful for the first 3 months. I met all of his local friends that I didn't know (we have a few mutual friends also) and also, he put me on the phone with his parents on multiple occasions. Another significant point, he mentioned that he never had told his parents about a girl he was dating since college (his parents live in another state, quite far away). This includes the year and a half ex. He said he never told them about her because the relationship was so rocky and he knew it wasn't going to work out, so why would he get their hopes up about someone? Anyway, he told them about me before we were even exclusive apparently and would pass the phone over to me all of the time if I was with him when they called. He wanted to spend all of the time he could with me, and always wanted me to spend the weekend with him. However, I am the type that enjoys my independence and didn't give up all of my time to spend with him, though we did spend a lot of time together. He was always respectful of that, and me. He always said: "everything is so easy when we are together". We had no drama whatsoever. None. We went on a little road trip weekend getaway once and it was wonderful. On one of the nights when we were away, we were drinking wine on the bed, cuddling, and he turned to me and said "I'm not going anywhere". For some reason, this moment just keeps replaying in my head. This was only a month before he broke up with me. WTF

 

It was a little bit after 3 months, maybe 3 and a half months, when I started to notice very slight changes in his behavior. However, they were so subtle that they didn't alarm me and I just chalked it up to him getting used to the relationship and comfortable. No big deal. There was one day after work, when we hadn't seen each other in a few days due to our schedules, that I asked him if he wanted to get together (I think this was the first time I ever did as he usually initiated everything), and he texted me saying "actually, I'd like to enjoy some alone time if that is ok?" Of course, I had no problem with that and told him so. I need and enjoy my alone time just as much, and totally understand. I also understand he is the same way (we had conversations about this) and I respected that 100%. So, I texted him back "of course! Enjoy yourself :)" he texted me back that he just wanted to make sure I knew he wasn't pushing me away, I responded with that I of course didn't think that. And I didn't at the time, but now when I look back, this might have signified the beginning of the downfall. After this incident, however, he was right back to his old behavior, wanting to see me and such. There was one night that he wanted to get together and I had already made plans with friends. He was texting me that entire night how much he missed me and couldn't wait to see me. This was 2 weeks before he broke up with me. The next time we got together, he had asked me to come over and as usual spend the night at his place. I had to work the next day late afternoon, and he was off, so it made sense for me to bring my work stuff to his place so I could just leave from there the next day and go straight to work. It is important to note here that all of this was suggested by him. He wanted me over, and wanted me to stay late the next day and told me to bring my stuff. All was well that night, we went out bowling and to dinner and had a blast as usual. The next morning, however, he seemed a bit off. He would usually get up before me and make the both of us coffee, and I would make us breakfast (if his 'bachelor pad' had any food in it to work with, lol). Then, we would sit and talk and enjoy the morning together. On this particular morning, he got up and only made coffee for himself. Weird. I made a joke about it, kind of along the lines of "what? no coffee for me?" and he made some comment about how we were going out to run some errands and he knew that I liked Dunkin Donuts coffee better and we would stop there (wtf?!?). This did bother me, but I kept it to myself for some reason. He mentioned the night before that he had wanted to go to the store to get these particular boots, so I agreed to go along with him this day. He seemed so off since he had woken up, extremely stressed and anxious. The store didn't have the boots that he wanted, and he seemed to get unnecessarily and uncharacteristically angry about this. So strange, I had never seen him this way. I tried to be there for him and calm him, suggesting he just order the boots online, but deep down I sensed this had nothing to do with a pair of boots, however I couldn't pin point what it was. I was concerned, and asked him what was on his mind and if he wanted to talk about it, and he said "oh, just little things" and just sat there with a sad look on his face. I didn't want to press him to talk or "nag" him, so I just comforted him and tried to make him laugh. At the end of the day, I just chalked this up to him having one of those days or his "man period".

 

When next week had rolled around, he was strange about us getting together and when we were making plans for it, he says "If I am completely honest with myself, it really stresses me out when you are here the days when you work later in the day. It's nothing you do at all, it's just I feel like I can't just get up and go and do the things I need to get done" (huh?) I didn't get this because he was the one always inviting me over, and was always so eager about it too. I said I certainly didn't want him to feel stressed and that I do understand his need for personal space and didn't have any intentions of ever stepping on that. If he didn't feel comfortable with me there on those days, then I didn't want to be there and we could figure out ways to spend time together that work for both of us. He made it seem that this was a temporary thing and that he was overwhelmed with outside stresses and all these "things" he needed to get done. Ugh, I know this is getting long as heck, and I apologize to all of you kind readers! Well, the cliff notes version of the end is that it came out that his ex, remember the one he was with for a year and a half that made him absolutely miserable? Yeah, well he was now back in contact with her apparently (initiated by her) and he felt overwhelmed and that this was keeping him from moving forward in our relationship, though he was adamant that he did not want to get back with her and wanted to be with me. He now mentions his issues with relationships rearing their ugly head as also. I bowed out at this time, telling him that I deserve to be with a guy who was willing to give me 100%, and I couldn't accept any less than that. He chased me outside, didn't want me to go and all that, but the next day while we were texting and I said we both need space to sort things out, he said it wasn't what he wanted, but he agreed. A few days later, we by chance happened to both be in LA for work and at the same hotel. We met for dinner and had a very positive conversation. He kept reassuring me that he did not want to get back with this girl whatsoever, he knew that he needed to cut contact for good. He kept saying he wanted to make sure he could give me the 100% I deserve. After the convo, I said to him that "I have faith we will get through this bump in the road" and he said "me too". After this happened, I decided that since communicating went so well for us, maybe this "space" thing wasn't the answer. Maybe we should keep meeting and talking about this, I mean communicating in relationships is essential, right? I suggest this to him a few days later, and he is just all over the map with what he wants. It's the ex, all of a sudden he wants a new job and to move home or to another state (it is very important to mention that he has a history of changing careers and moves frequently) He says he doesn't want to let me go because he knows what we have is so special and rare, and on the other end he feels pressured to be in the relationship and doesn't do well with pressure so he feels himself pulling away (I never once pressured him. Ever. I was content with the relationship as it was). Ultimately this led to him breaking things off with me but in such a weird way that it was like he didn't want to do it and was so unsure of himself. This led to me being left with destroyed self esteem, feeling jealousy about this ex, and just completely and utterly confused as to what happened. Our mutual friends, who have known him much longer than I, were frantically calling me and were just as confused as me. They couldn't believe that he was talking to this "ex" again and kept saying, "no way, he doesn't like her and really never did". They said they had never seen him so excited and so happy as he was with me. One of his friends is convinced he is scared to get close and he is talking to ex again because he finds comfort in the detachment he has with her? The friend said that before he met me or even the ex, they had talked on multiple occasions about his fear to get close and weirdness with relationships. Our friend said that if she didn't see how happy and excited he was about me, she would have told me to run for the hills because of this! She figured, see, when you meet the right person, your fears go away. I thought so too. Not the case. I read "Men Who Can't Love" and it just seems to fit the bill. I really don't think I am making up a problem with him to make myself feel better, he's just not that into me just doesn't seem to work in this scenario.

 

I am sorry for how long this turned out to be, and thank you all for reading! Anyone else out there that is going or going through something like this? I would really appreciate any thoughts or insight anyone has to offer. We will all get through this together!

[NoMoreJerks]

Looks like you dodged a bullet.

 

You have an emotionally unavailable man on your hands. Perhaps even someone who suffers from borderline personality disorder. My ex used to suggest stuff , then get upset if I did them... He'd ask me to bring my laptop so we'd play games together. If I did, and we played games, he'd then tell me that I'm on the laptop when we're together. WTF? We were both on our laptops, playing TOGETHER. And HE had suggested it. It's almost like he was testing me, and didn't really mean that he wanted to do that stuff, OR, he was just using that as an excuse.. but he made ZERO sense... And this behaviour (blaming you for things that he suggested or is guilty of) is called gaslighting.

 

From what you told me, you did not do anything wrong / out of the ordinary / demanding... But it looks like he was sorta treating you as a booty call -- wanted you to come over spend the night, then get your stuff and leave.... instead of staying over that day, and then heading straight to work from there, because it was convenient for you. It wasn't convenient for him, for whatever reason, and it didn't matter what YOUR needs were. He sounds very selfish. Why couldn't HE come over to YOUR place, then, and leave in the morning?

[Stoic44]

When they love you, they will put in the work. Simple as that.

[Ariella1984]

Hi NoMoreJerks! Thank you so much for your reply

My ex used to suggest stuff , then get upset if I did them...

 

Ugh! I am so sorry you went through this sort of thing too! This behavior is crazy-making, isn't it?

 

QUOTE]But it looks like he was sorta treating you as a booty call -- wanted you to come over spend the night, then get your stuff and leave....

I should mention that that time that I wrote about what the only time he said something like that, but you are right it's like..he was trying to reduce me to that! We did always go out and do stuff the day prior, and usually the next day to until I had to leave, it was just this one time, all of a sudden it stresses him out.

 

Why couldn't HE come over to YOUR place, then, and leave in the morning?

Actually, this was my doing, lol. He did stay over a few times at my place, and often suggested that he would and felt bad that I always drove to him, but I preferred it that way because I have roommates and he doesn't, so we have more privacy and it just made more sense

[Ariella1984]

When they love you, they will put in the work. Simple as that.

 

Preach, Stoic!! It's just so hard when you think they do, then all of a sudden BAM, they are gone.

[coffeebean201]

He sounds really anxious. Trouble dealing with stress.

 

He also sounds like he really liked you.

 

Sometimes they are too in love with themselves to put in the necessary work for a serious relationship.

[Ariella1984]

Hi coffeebean, thank you for your reply.

He sounds really anxious. Trouble dealing with stress.

 

Yeah, I know right? So different from the man I thought he was. It is hard because part of me wanted to "fix" this but I know that I can't! He needs to be the one to learn how to handle things and deal with his stress on his own, and sort things out in his head. I can't do that for him

 

He also sounds like he really liked you.

 

I know he did, and I felt it. That is what makes this so hard to wrap my brain around!

 

Sometimes they are too in love with themselves to put in the necessary work for a serious relationship.

 

Such a sad and tragic truth. Ugh.

[Sari]

Hi Arielle,

 

I'm going through something eerily similar.

 

My story is here, 5th post down:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366895-absolutely-devastated-today#post4513670

 

There's nothing that can be done. If you've fallen for a cp, you can't make them see sense or calm them down. they are a mass of anxiety and doubts and generally just flee. I know cos I used to be one, but then I got therapy and did a lot of self-help and now I would say that I've mostly overcome it. In a way it's comforting to know that it's not anything you've done, but in another way it's doubly heartbreaking, as the relationship is so good and it's such a shock when a cp just cuts and runs with very little/no warning.

 

Big hugs x

[Ariella1984]

Hi Sari,

 

I am so sorry to hear that you are also going through this mess. Seems to hurt more than the average breakup, doesn't it? Because it all just doesn't make sense! I read your story and I am flabbergasted! Definitely a clown, as you called him. I see a lot of similarities with the patterns of our "relationships". Seems like a lot of these tools start to pull away around the 3 month mark. Is it wrong that I am a bit jealous that he has come back a few times? I shouldn't say that, I know his "curtain calls" have only added to your pain. I have been NC with mine since he broke things off with me, and other than a silly Merry Xmas text, nothing. Like you, I also wonder what the heck he is doing. I imagine him in some sort of breakdown, but he's probably out having a blast, forgetting all about me, or worse, with his ex. *Sigh* I know we are better off without these d-bags, but I can't help but want another "hit" off of my drug, to see if maybe, just maybe, it could work out.

 

Good for you in getting help for your own CP issues! It takes a lot of strength to recognize one's inner demons and have the courage to work through them. I just enrolled in therapy too, I am hoping to be able to figure out why I seem to always attract guys like this. I am almost 29, and all of my friends are married and having kids. I would give anything to have a husband that adores me and want children do badly. I just keep getting my heartbroken. I feel like it's just never going to happen for me .

[Ariella1984]

Well, I feel as though I have reached the anger stage of this breakup.

 

I don't want him back. Ever. He was not the man that he presented himself as. He is an emotionally immature coward. I hate him for misleading me. I hate him for starting to build relationship with me, only to freak out and run back in the direction of his toxic ex. Sorry I have my s*&t together and don't need you, unlike her. I guess I am not dramatic enough to satisfy his pathetic Damsel In Distress Syndrome. What a tool.

 

On the other hand, this whole thing has just murdered my self esteem. It makes me feel like there was something better about her. He told me on multiple occasions that I was the most beautiful girl he has ever dated and the best sex he has ever had. I didn't think this was a lie, but what if it was? What if the reason he is talking to her again is because she really is better in bed than me or something? We had amazing sex, and I never questioned my "bedroom abilities" ever in the past but now I just feel so sensitive about this, I don't understand why someone would contemplate going back to something that made him miserable when he claimed to be so happy with me. Am I that bad? It kills me. I'm angry, yet feel so worthless. Quite the combination.

[Hopeful714]

Uggh sorry. Your story makes me ill, I can only imagine your pain as I have been through the wringer myself.

 

The only thing I can chalk this up to is immaturity on your ex's part. Why is it there ALWAYS seems to be an ex looming in the background and how come these guys cant tell them....sorry, its over .....Im involved with someone else now and work on their CURRENT relationship? Why is there always this flip flop of emotions and wants? I want her now...no, I want you..no, I want her...pathetic ego stuff. I agree with you...I want a guy who is willing to give the 100% to be with me and knows what he wants.

 

Also be careful with these types of men who come on strong and then back off. They tell you everything you want to hear so soon to hook you then once you are hooked....bam..they become a different person to that which was originally represented to us.

 

Makes me wonder though that since you and I are now out of the picture and we are the "ex's" are we the thoughts that linger in their minds and "confuse" them once the honeymoon period has passed with the new girl or after the reconciliation with their ex? Who cares really....all that is too much drama for me.

 

Ill be curious to see how this one pans out....but Id stay NC...he sounds like he has issues.

[Ariella1984]

Uggh sorry. Your story makes me ill, I can only imagine your pain as I have been through the wringer myself.

 

The only thing I can chalk this up to is immaturity on your ex's part. Why is it there ALWAYS seems to be an ex looming in the background and how come these guys cant tell them....sorry, its over .....Im involved with someone else now and work on their CURRENT relationship? Why is there always this flip flop of emotions and wants? I want her now...no, I want you..no, I want her...pathetic ego stuff. I agree with you...I want a guy who is willing to give the 100% to be with me and knows what he wants.

 

Also be careful with these types of men who come on strong and then back off. They tell you everything you want to hear so soon to hook you then once you are hooked....bam..they become a different person to that which was originally represented to us.

 

Makes me wonder though that since you and I are now out of the picture and we are the "ex's" are we the thoughts that linger in their minds and "confuse" them once the honeymoon period has passed with the new girl or after the reconciliation with their ex? Who cares really....all that is too much drama for me.

 

Ill be curious to see how this one pans out....but Id stay NC...he sounds like he has issues.

 

Hi hopeful,

 

Thanks for your response. Yes, I definitely think he is emotionally immature and it's such a tragic waste. The guy's 30 and is emotionally 12 years old. It's amazing how somebody who is so intelligent otherwise can be such a dumba$$ when it comes to his romantic life.

 

I bet you are right - about us at some point being the "exes" they fawn over.

I have a feeling that both of our guys will try to make a reappearance in our lives one day, but we are better than being someone's second choice. Part of me wants him to come back so I can tell him to screw off, but that's just me wanting the self esteem boost that would come from it, after being knocked down so low. Damn these guys!

[Ariella1984]

Oh yeah - and definitely NC all the way. I haven't spoke to him since a couple days before we broke up (I do admit to emotionally vomiting all over him but I don't regret telling him how I feel). The last thing I sent him was a text saying: "I'm not going to message you anymore, I will leave you be to figure out your life on your own. If/when you decide you want to open the lines of communication with me in the future, please do. I can't guarantee that I will be single, but I hope you find your way off of the toxic path you are tempted to go down and at least find happiness". He responded with "Thanks I guess :-/" and I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. Why? Who knows. I was tempted to contact him for awhile but u no longer feel the urge, which is good.

[Ajax]

Ariella, your story hit close to home for me. Your ex sounds like a male version of the one who brought me here to Loveshack three years ago. Like yours, mine did what seemed to be a complete 180, considering moving out of state, changing careers, abandoning other relationships that she'd fostered for years. Like yours mine came on strong, seemed to be happy, and then vanished into the blue about four months into the relationship. It hurts because you don't see it coming. And yes, it doesn't make sense.

 

It took me a lot longer to get over than it probably should have considering the brief duration of the relationship. I think the commitment-phobic behavior of the other person creates some sort of disconnect for us that we have trouble reconciling and processing. It's traumatic.

 

I know it hurts and doesn't make sense, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a self awareness that will help see you through this. You may even find that after time passes, that this shapes you into a better person yourself.

[flitzanu]

if i'm interpreting this right, you dated for like 4 months?

[Ariella1984]

Ariella, your story hit close to home for me. Your ex sounds like a male version of the one who brought me here to Loveshack three years ago. Like yours, mine did what seemed to be a complete 180, considering moving out of state, changing careers, abandoning other relationships that she'd fostered for years. Like yours mine came on strong, seemed to be happy, and then vanished into the blue about four months into the relationship. It hurts because you don't see it coming. And yes, it doesn't make sense.

 

It took me a lot longer to get over than it probably should have considering the brief duration of the relationship. I think the commitment-phobic behavior of the other person creates some sort of disconnect for us that we have trouble reconciling and processing. It's traumatic.

 

I know it hurts and doesn't make sense, but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders and a self awareness that will help see you through this. You may even find that after time passes, that this shapes you into a better person yourself.

 

Hi Ajax,

 

Sorry to hear you have gone through this sh*t storm too. I agree that it takes longer than it should to get over these kinds of relationships, because you think all is well and the all of a sudden *BAM* the rug is pulled from under your feet without any rhyme or reason. How are you now? What helped you cope? What ended up happening with your ex?

[Ariella1984]

if i'm interpreting this right, you dated for like 4 months?

 

Just about 5 months or so

[meeji]

He sounds really anxious. Trouble dealing with stress.

 

He also sounds like he really liked you.

 

Sometimes they are too in love with themselves to put in the necessary work for a serious relationship.

 

Amen to this!

[meeji]

Oh yeah - and definitely NC all the way. I haven't spoke to him since a couple days before we broke up (I do admit to emotionally vomiting all over him but I don't regret telling him how I feel). The last thing I sent him was a text saying: "I'm not going to message you anymore, I will leave you be to figure out your life on your own. If/when you decide you want to open the lines of communication with me in the future, please do. I can't guarantee that I will be single, but I hope you find your way off of the toxic path you are tempted to go down and at least find happiness". He responded with "Thanks I guess :-/" and I haven't heard from him in 3 weeks. Why? Who knows. I was tempted to contact him for awhile but u no longer feel the urge, which is good.

 

I saw something on fb the other day about the difference between how men and women deal with breakups. then a guy friend of mine was talking to me about the same thing.

 

http://www.google.com/imgres?hl=en&sa=X&tbo=d&biw=1138&bih=539&tbm=isch&tbnid=yXwJHWk3z_FnpM:&imgrefurl=http://usermanualforhuman.blogspot.com/&docid=adLph3zyzEgx7M&imgurl=http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S_34J6UDJAw/T84ijv2m7gI/AAAAAAAAAD0/jRJchCkyEYg/s1600/After-Breakup-Boys-Vs-Girls.jpg&w=640&h=1102&ei=ifH-UKhsr7nQAYqUgSA&zoom=1&iact=rc&dur=281&sig=105145818717475855359&page=1&tbnh=144&tbnw=84&start=0&ndsp=20&ved=1t:429,r:0,s:0,i:85&tx=23&ty=41

 

They say that while women are busted and crying over the breakup, guys are enjoying their freedom and doing everything they can to pretend like it didn't happen. So by the time the woman is starting to feel better and movin on the guy starts to realize what he lost.

 

Try not to worry about if and when he will come back to you. Its hard not to think about but more than likely he will. The thing to think about is what you're going to do when that happens. I hope you find a great guy and you get the satisfaction of telling him not to let the door hit him the ass on his way out.

 

I can totally relate to your concerns. I just found out two days ago that my recent ex has not moved anything of mine since I left. He still has my framed pictures on his desk and has been carrying my photos in his wallet.. I don' think he will realize that we are through for real, until way after the fact. Just keep doing what you are doing.

 

Good luck.

[Ajax]

Hi Ajax,

 

Sorry to hear you have gone through this sh*t storm too. I agree that it takes longer than it should to get over these kinds of relationships, because you think all is well and the all of a sudden *BAM* the rug is pulled from under your feet without any rhyme or reason. How are you now? What helped you cope? What ended up happening with your ex?

 

I'm doing pretty well. Like I said, it took a long time to move on, but the LoveShack community helped, which is why I come back occasionally to see how people are doing. But as cliched as it is, what it came down to was time. Making new memories helps bury the old.

 

The experience also changed me. It was a learning experience in both positive and negative ways. One of the more important lessons I learned, and learned the hard way, is that bitterness does you no good. Anger, especially during the grieving phase, is normal and natural. But In my case, and I see it a lot here, I let it take root and fester for far too long. That's not healthy, and it's ultimately self defeating.

 

Eventually I realized that, and took it upon myself to try to be more understanding and forgiving. But she wasn't in my life anymore, and hadn't been for some time, so I couldn't forgive her to her face. Rather I took the lessons I'd learned and have striven to be more forgiving and gracious towards others in my life, and I think it's improved those relationships.

 

As for what happened to her...

 

We have mutual friends who have occasionally brought her up. She jumped into a relationship with someone else immediately after breaking up with me (after having told me she needed to be alone for a while), which apparently ended after she caught him snooping her email. And while I don't condone that behavior, I suspect she probably gave him reason to distrust her.

 

That being said, they also seem to think she's grown and matured in the past few years. I hope so, and I do wish her the best. We haven't spoken since the breakup, but should our paths ever cross again I'm confident that I can be positive and civil.

[flitzanu]

Just about 5 months or so

 

then he decided he doesn't want to be with you and he just isn't flat out telling you. 5 months is nothing, but that's enough time to try you out as a relationship and determine it isn't what he wants.

[Ariella1984]

I saw something on fb the other day about the difference between how men and women deal with breakups. then a guy friend of mine was talking to me about the same thing.

 

Google Image Result for http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-S_34J6UDJAw/T84ijv2m7gI/AAAAAAAAAD0/jRJchCkyEYg/s1600/After-Breakup-Boys-Vs-Girls.jpg

 

They say that while women are busted and crying over the breakup, guys are enjoying their freedom and doing everything they can to pretend like it didn't happen. So by the time the woman is starting to feel better and movin on the guy starts to realize what he lost.

 

Try not to worry about if and when he will come back to you. Its hard not to think about but more than likely he will. The thing to think about is what you're going to do when that happens. I hope you find a great guy and you get the satisfaction of telling him not to let the door hit him the ass on his way out.

 

I can totally relate to your concerns. I just found out two days ago that my recent ex has not moved anything of mine since I left. He still has my framed pictures on his desk and has been carrying my photos in his wallet.. I don' think he will realize that we are through for real, until way after the fact. Just keep doing what you are doing.

 

Good luck.

 

That image was dead on (and hilarious)! Thanks for sharing. I definitely agree that guys process breakups differently and know for a fact that mine is distracting himself with anything and everything to keep from dealing with his emotions. He has done that his entire life.

 

At this point, I feel I would not take him back. There was a window of about a week after he left where I may have, but too much time has passed now and I am just too angry and disgusted with him now. I don't want someone who will just walk away from me so easily.

 

What you said about your ex keeping your pics up....this seems to be a CP's M.O. Even though they walked from the relationship, they never seem to be able to shut the door completely. Hence the reason the way their breakups go are anything but concrete (I'm not saying never, I don't know what I want, etc). It seems they keep our stuff so they can hold on to a piece of the relationship still.

[Ariella1984]

I'm doing pretty well. Like I said, it took a long time to move on, but the LoveShack community helped, which is why I come back occasionally to see how people are doing. But as cliched as it is, what it came down to was time. Making new memories helps bury the old.

 

The experience also changed me. It was a learning experience in both positive and negative ways. One of the more important lessons I learned, and learned the hard way, is that bitterness does you no good. Anger, especially during the grieving phase, is normal and natural. But In my case, and I see it a lot here, I let it take root and fester for far too long. That's not healthy, and it's ultimately self defeating.

 

Eventually I realized that, and took it upon myself to try to be more understanding and forgiving. But she wasn't in my life anymore, and hadn't been for some time, so I couldn't forgive her to her face. Rather I took the lessons I'd learned and have striven to be more forgiving and gracious towards others in my life, and I think it's improved those relationships.

 

As for what happened to her...

 

We have mutual friends who have occasionally brought her up. She jumped into a relationship with someone else immediately after breaking up with me (after having told me she needed to be alone for a while), which apparently ended after she caught him snooping her email. And while I don't condone that behavior, I suspect she probably gave him reason to distrust her.

 

That being said, they also seem to think she's grown and matured in the past few years. I hope so, and I do wish her the best. We haven't spoken since the breakup, but should our paths ever cross again I'm confident that I can be positive and civil.

 

I'm glad that you were able to recover and learn positive lessons from all of this.

 

My ex and I have mutual friends too, which I hate. However they all were giving me the insight into his issues, they have known him for a lot longer than I have and seem to be convinced he is running out of fear.

 

I hope your ex has grown and matured, and I think it's wonderful that you have reached this place of acceptance. I hope to be there soon!

[Ariella1984]

Hi meetj,

 

That image was dead on (and hilarious)! Thanks for sharing. I definitely agree that guys process breakups differently and know for a fact that mine is distracting himself with anything and everything to keep from dealing with his emotions. He has done that his entire life.

 

At this point, I feel I would not take him back. There was a window of about a week after he left where I may have, but too much time has passed now and I am just too angry and disgusted with him now. I don't want someone who will just walk away from me so easily.

 

What you said about your ex keeping your pics up....this seems to be a CP's M.O. Even though they walked from the relationship, they never seem to be able to shut the door completely. Hence the reason the way their breakups go are anything but concrete (I'm not saying never, I don't know what I want, etc). It seems they keep our stuff so they can hold on to a piece of the relationship still.

[Ariella1984]

then he decided he doesn't want to be with you and he just isn't flat out telling you. 5 months is nothing, but that's enough time to try you out as a relationship and determine it isn't what he wants.

 

Yeah, I realize that he doesn't want to be with me but I think in this particular situation, it's a little more complex than him just deciding I don't do it for him. This is coming from instinct, his past behavior, the nature of the relationship, and what his close circle of friends say. I have dated guys in the past where I can certainly say he "just wasn't that into me", but not in this case.

 

I know 5 months isn't a long period of time, but it was long enough for me to become emotionally invested and hurt by this rejection. I don't want him back, but this has scarred me more than other breakups.

 

The last time my ex and I spoke, he was telling me about how his parents were asking about me, and he said "I'm mentally screwing it up". He knows he has issues with relationships, he's said this, but the sad thing isn't doing anything about it. Therefore, there is nothing I can do but move on