Commitment Phobe Mindf&*k

[flitzanu]

Yeah, I realize that he doesn't want to be with me but I think in this particular situation, it's a little more complex than him just deciding I don't do it for him. This is coming from instinct, his past behavior, the nature of the relationship, and what his close circle of friends say. I have dated guys in the past where I can certainly say he "just wasn't that into me", but not in this case.

 

I know 5 months isn't a long period of time, but it was long enough for me to become emotionally invested and hurt by this rejection. I don't want him back, but this has scarred me more than other breakups.

 

The last time my ex and I spoke, he was telling me about how his parents were asking about me, and he said "I'm mentally screwing it up". He knows he has issues with relationships, he's said this, but the sad thing isn't doing anything about it. Therefore, there is nothing I can do but move on

 

can it not just be that simple because you don't want it to be that simple?

 

the kinds of things he was doing and saying were no different than someone together 2 years, as in my case, and even months after with her saying "i miss you and want you in my life" blah blah. someone can like you and be attached and still just NOT want to be with you.

 

it's more grandeur and romantic to think that there is some deep dark reason or illness with why someone won't/can't be with us, but it really never is.

[Ariella1984]

can it not just be that simple because you don't want it to be that simple?

 

the kinds of things he was doing and saying were no different than someone together 2 years, as in my case, and even months after with her saying "i miss you and want you in my life" blah blah. someone can like you and be attached and still just NOT want to be with you.

 

it's more grandeur and romantic to think that there is some deep dark reason or illness with why someone won't/can't be with us, but it really never is.

 

 

I see what your saying, I do, and honestly, whether he's emotionally messed up or not, it IS that simple. He doesn't want to be with me. I almost wish I could think it was just him losing interest in me, because then it would be easier to shut the book. I don't know. This situation is just so bizarre to me.

[Ariella1984]

As I mentioned in my original post, the emotional refrigerator and I work together (we are in law enforcement). Though we don't see each other often, I just found out that we will be on pretty much the same schedule for the next month, meaning the chances of us running into each other are quite high. Oh goodie. Of course, while we were together we never saw each other.

 

On top of that, a co-worker and friend of mine that knows him quite well feels it necessary to keep calling me and give me the play by play on him: "He looks so down" "he's looking for other jobs" "I asked him what happened between you two and he just said 'you know me and my issues'". I appreciate what this friend is attempting, but I really don't want to hear about him. Yet, I do at the same time. Ugh.

 

I also mentioned in another thread that today was his 30th birthday. I did good and stuck to my guns on NC (I actually have had no desire to break that since we last spoke), however I couldn't help but keep wondering what he was doing. Was he with his ex?

 

When will I not give a crap anymore?????

[flitzanu]

it just takes time :/ you'll suddenly wake up one day and realize you're fine

[Ariella1984]

Feeling a bit down today. I had a streak of a couple days where I almost felt like myself again, but today I felt like I took a couple of steps back. I think the major thing I am dealing with here is the self-esteem issue. This breakup just did a number on it, and I know that it is ME and only me that is allowing this to have an affect, but I can't help it right now. I'm just do sad that he didn't want me.

 

I've never tried online dating before, and I'm not really to keen on it, but I decided to try it out as a distraction at the least. I exchanged a few emails with a guy that seems nice and recently that changed to texting. Instead of making me excited about a new prospect, I ended up being brought to tears last night because it felt so weird having a guy text me(that wasn't just a friend) and having it not be HIM. It made me just miss him more, even though I know I am only missing a person that doesn't exist.

[Sari]

Feeling a bit down today. I had a streak of a couple days where I almost felt like myself again, but today I felt like I took a couple of steps back. I think the major thing I am dealing with here is the self-esteem issue. This breakup just did a number on it, and I know that it is ME and only me that is allowing this to have an affect, but I can't help it right now. I'm just do sad that he didn't want me.

 

I've never tried online dating before, and I'm not really to keen on it, but I decided to try it out as a distraction at the least. I exchanged a few emails with a guy that seems nice and recently that changed to texting. Instead of making me excited about a new prospect, I ended up being brought to tears last night because it felt so weird having a guy text me(that wasn't just a friend) and having it not be HIM. It made me just miss him more, even though I know I am only missing a person that doesn't exist.

 

Yup, same here:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/367903-how-soon-too-soon#post4534941

 

Don't rush yourself. I ended up suspending my account as I realised it was just too soon.

 

I think with CPs it's very hard when the relationship finishes, you are left with nothing but good memories, sudden heartbreak and endless questions that never get answered. Please don't let it destroy your self-esteem, it will be very little to do with you and all about his issues. And that would've been your relationship in a nutshell anyway, as CPs are narcissistic and self-obsessed, hence the panic and run away behaviour they indulge in. So selfish and hurtful.

 

I'm reading 'men who can't love', it's not really anything I didn't already know but there is something almost cathartic reading about it and realising that actually, it's the CPs that are the problem.

 

If you want to chat about any of this, feel free to pm me. I've dated two CPs and also suffered from it myself for nearly ten years of my adult life, I'd say I'm an expert, unfortunately!

 

Big hugs x

[hopefullove]

Hi Ariella,

Yeah i am reading Men Who Can't Love and He's Scared, She's Scared.

 

I just went thru a break up in Oct/Nov and i'm only really starting to get over it now.

Like you, i went thru the same thing, we fell in love right away, and hard too, and we moved in really quickly, and i met his family, everything was amazing, we loved each other so much, we were so in love. Then he went to meet my family on the westcoast, tho i must say the month or so before that he started acting strange. He would love me a lot, but then there would be spurts of him being really weird, anyway, we had a fight and he shut down completely. Just like that, he was done.

 

Anyway. i understand everything you are going thru, from the sexual rejection, to the mixed messages, they just become so cold and you don't know why! nothing of significance really happened, nothing that was a deal breaker. Mine had anxiety attacks, stomach problems, like his phobia was really strong and I didnt realize those signs til now. Also they are also suppose to have signs like that in other aspects of his life.

 

Just take it a day at a time. Like you, it's been really hard to get over it... but they have mad issues. And they need help. He started treating me like garbage. it was really bad. and i was so confused. because one day he was prince charming, then immediately he was a monster. Just know that i wasn't you. it's him. and there is nothing you can do about it, he has to want to fix himself, and if he doesnt, he's going to have a lonely life ahead. but to him, it's better than being suffocated a live, but it won't be fulfilling for sure. you deserve more.

[meeji]

I have read both books and I agree, they are good reads. I recommend them to anyone who is struggling without proper closure. I'm going through a break up myself and I can relate to a lot of ways that you and other posters are feeling. Take it one step at a time. I have been collecting quotes. when I head out of the house on the morning, I stick one in my purse and when my thoughts start to drift I just read it and repeat it to myself quietly.I hope that things get easier for you soon.

[StraylightRun24]

Hey Ariella1984 just read your story and I definitely am going through a very similar situation with my ex-girlfriend. She broke up with me a few days after Christmas after 4 months of dating and everything (at least in my eyes) seemed to be going great. A couple weeks prior to the breakup she took me to a family party and introduced me to the entire family as her boyfriend, a week before the breakup took me to a coworkers/friends partying and did the same exact thing, spent Christmas Eve over with me and my family and exchanged presents and all that stuff, and we were supposed to go to a museum with some of her family the day after the breakup (a snowstorm put an end to those plans......oh and the breakup:laugh:). She basically told me she lacked a "spark" for me and didn't want to hurt me later on because she knew I was falling for her. On top of that she has plans on moving cross the country this upcoming summer, so that MAY have (I'm losing the term may very lightly here) had something to also do with it. It's confusing and hurtful as hell because like I said everything seemed to be great between us but much like flitzanu said, "it's more grandeur and romantic to think that there is some deep dark reason or illness with why someone won't/can't be with us, but it really never is."

 

Sadly, for us at least, it seems both these people decided while they might like us as people/friends they didn't see having a future with us. We just have to roll with the punches....