Any hope of getting back together?

[mr.jon]

Alright here is my break-up story. I had been going out with my girlfriend for 2 and a half years. One and a half in the same city, and then 1 year LD. She's moving back to the city I am living in next week. We were supposed to move in together, when I totally got scared and about 2 months ago mentioned that we should maybe take a break to make sure we were doing the right thing.

 

While we saw each other once a month, we were become a little hostile to each other. Also, we had both mentioned that we had been getting hit on by people that we worked with, and I stated maybe we need to pursue these interests to get it out of our system before we move in together.

 

She was in tears for a few days calling me, asking me if I really wanted to take a break or not. I said I am not sure I need a few days to figure it out. She then mentioned not moving in right away, but when she was here we pretty much spent every night together anyways so I did'nt really see the point. I just wanted to make sure.

 

So I took a few days to decide what I wanted, and when I did phone her to say I don't want to have a break and maybe we should just take a little bit of time in the same city before we move in, she said No. I think it is a good idea for us to have a break I feel like I have been depending on you for too much and have'nt really been myself around you.

 

 

So at first I was like "cool we're on a break it's alright". We still called each other and asked how each other's dating pursuits were going, gave each other advice, it was like we were heading in the right direction. All of sudden one phone call a couple of weeks after the "break" she said she wanted this to be a break up, and that she did'nt think we should tell each other that we still love each other and that she can see herself being happy moving here and not going out with me. She then said she would phone me in a few days.

 

A few days became 2 weeks, and I knew she had taken the guy she was pursueing, to a wedding I was supposed to attend. So during this time, I went on a couple dates that were just plain bad because I realized I was only thinking of my relationship and how I wish I was talking to my ex.

 

So she phoned me and I told her how much of a mistake I had made by suggesting the break and that I want to be with her, and how I just needed to make sure I was doing the right thing. She said that she had been standing still all year and was finally the person she really wanted to be. She then told me to get some confidence because that wasn't her job anymore, and that I didn't want to sound like this to her.

 

Next call two weeks later. She phones me and right away tells me that She misses me. I ask her if that means that she's considering going out again, and she quickly says forget I said anything. She just wants to be friends, and that she does'nt have feeling's for me anymore, at least not more than friendship feelings. She than tells me she's coming up to where I live to look for a place and wants to go out to dinner with me.

 

So we go out and I tell her I want her back etc. and she just tells me that she can't believe she was so deeply involved and that she was ready to marry me, which scares her and that she has to move on. We walk to her car, when she starts crying and hugs me and says that she does have feelings for me when she sees me in person and that she is really confused.

 

Then... she says she has been sleeping with this guy she's been seeing but that he means nothing and that the last thing she needs in her life is a relationship, and that they have an "arangement". She then proceeds to cut down the guy, tells me the sex is bad and that I am way better in bed. Then she proceeds to kiss me and then says we can't make - out so we talk for awhile and say we will hang out tomorrow, I say that I love her approach to kiss her get turned away and walk back to my car.

 

She calls me the next day says we can't hang out, it's just pouring salt on the wound. I get super pissed at her, and say I thought you wanted to be friends and tell her I'm just going to keep calling her til she hangs out. I grab hold of myself and don't call her. I assume that she just goes back home and I don't talk to her for three weeks.

 

During this time she e-mails me a couple of times and I don't reply, mainly because she's just telling me about her life as if we're just friends and everything is fine between us.

 

I recieve a teary eyed message on my phone from her, so I call her. She tells me how she misses me, she can't believe our relationship is over and that she regrets the way she has been treating me and knows now how I must feel. She then says i don't want to get back together though, but I've been thinking about it.

 

I tell her how she literally broke my heart and how I feel so strong for her and love her and want us to try again,and that she's confusing me and then she flicks a switch.

 

I just wanted to apologise for the way I treated you, I still need to be by myself and that she doesn't think I should be confused because she has made it clear.

 

I then decided to take a 6 hour trip to where she live and knocked on her door at 1:00am. She is surprised to see me and invites me in. I don't know wjat I wanted her to say I just wanted her to see me and show her how sad I am without her and that I 'm not making things up on the phone. We go to bed together in the same bed spooning and snuggling all night.

 

We wake up and she gets angry at me for coming,and I try to tell her that I just want her back she then tells me that she know's I'm not the one and that if we get back together we will just break up again, and that I should move on.

 

I have'nt talked to her for a week,and know that I have to wait for her to contact me, but I feel like the n/c worked and then I blew it by not playing it cool.

Did I mess this up? Should I have hope? Any advice would be great

 

Sorry for the long windedness, I just had to get this off my chest.

[uriel]

What a mess. Obviously, you both have feelings for one another. But, you weren't sure you wanted to commit. She felt utterly betrayed by that -- enraged, used, tossed to the side. Now that you are sure, she isn't. She's tried to hurt you the way you hurt her. She's tried to move on entirely. She's still angry.

 

You, on the other hand, started to want her again once you were afraid you couldn't have her. That's a natural reaction, but not necessarily a lasting one. Otherwise, why the sudden turnaround? You were with her long enough (2.5 years) to be sure. Given when you chose to suggest the break, your doubts were about the steady drone of committed life (romance doesn't last) combined with the stress of the separation. Fact is, you just didn't want to get locked down.

 

Bottom line is, neither of you is mature enough for a committed relationship, not yet. My best advice is to leave each other alone. You both have some growing up to do (I mean this in a positive, rather than negative way). Work harder on developing your own sense of self -- pursuing your ambitions, sharpening your morals, making positive platonic relationships, dating further and discovering what works for you and what doesn't.

 

I think if you get back together with her, you'll just keep hurting one another. The trust is gone. Since you were planning to live together and marry, it's not really possible to take the relationship back to a lighter, less serious level. You need to start over again with someone new. But, give it time.

 

-- uriel