B SO Wont leave

[wanting more]

Most of you know my story, I post mostly as the xOW but tonite as the WS. I'm not asking for advice, just need to vent a little.

 

I am the WS. I really did love my xMM. I don't think of him much lately (NC for almost 5 months).

 

I know my BSO was deeply hurt by this. I know it was horrible what I did. BUT I never led him on thinking we'd reconcile. We went to a couple counseling sessions together and I'm still going to IC. he went a couple times, not sure if

He still goes or not.

 

Im realizing he will not leave unless I force him out. We live away from any

Family. I moved here 1st, then he came up a couple years later.

 

He keeps saying he'll leave soon but DOESN'T. I don't know what to do except one day call the cops. I dont want to do that. I dont know that he has any place to go. Hes only got one or two friends that hes made here I do feel guilty. I do feel bad. I do hate that Ive Hurt him.

 

I know he's on the roller coaster ride BSs talk about BUT I don't know how to deal with this?

 

My kids (especially the oldest) has said many times she'd wish he'd just leave. I feel deep down that once I force him out, he'll be done with the kids, at least for a good while. The guilt from that is why I havent done anything yet.

[whichwayisup]

Definately bring this up in counseling, a way to leave him since he isn't going to leave you.

 

He doesn't have it in him. Fear of the unknown.

 

He must have friends and some family to help and give him support.

 

Plus, the kids still are going to be in his life (?) ..

[wanting more]

Definately bring this up in counseling, a way to leave him since he isn't going to leave you.

 

He doesn't have it in him. Fear of the unknown.

 

He must have friends and some family to help and give him support.

 

Plus, the kids still are going to be in his life (?) ..

 

Hes never had a lot of friends and really over the last couple years it's mostly my friends that he considers his. Just one or two guys from work is all he has

 

The kids are not saying they don't want to be in his life, he's said many times if he leaves, he leaves everything, including the kids.

[wanting more]

I'm not getting this. You want out but you won't leave? Why does he have to be the one who leaves?

 

My sister is a BS. She hadn't worked for a year as she had a baby. The house was his from before they married, actually he inherited it. Her attitude was "if you want to go, whether to the OW or not, then go." She wasn't going to do the honors for him, when she had done nothing wrong.

 

Do I'm not getting why he has to go? Even if you own everything. You can leave, and sort out the assets in a financial settlement afterwards. I think he's smart. He's making you put your money where your mouth is. The police would probably say if he's in a common law marriage with you then you can't force him out but you can leave. Yes that means you bear the brunt of the upheaval. But you're tw one who wants out so that's fair.

 

 

He leaves because everything WE have, I built!! I moved her alone with 3 kids. Knowing one person. The house, I pay for, the bills, I pay for. The $12,000 so far for college for our oldest, I paid for. Every sport, activity, hobby my kids have, I pay for.

As you say "the brunt of the upheaval" is mine is NOT going to be mine.

He's never been fair with all the things he's put me thru in the past, he never beared the brunt of anything when it came to his family, we've (me and my kids have) and I won't do it again.

 

In my state he'd have to prove with certain things that we're common law and I know he can't.

 

He also can't afford the house.

[beenburned]

How long have you lived together?

 

In my state common law marriage is only based on the number of years you lived together. If the law considers you common law, then it will definitely affect division of all assets.(no matter whose name is on the titles)

 

I would check out all the laws in your state to make sure of what he can and can not do.

[jwi71]

How long as he had to move out?

Is he truly dragging his feet or is there a real impediment to his leaving (money, availability, whatever)?

 

In some states, if someone can show they have established residence there you can't simply kick him out - you have to evict him formally and the police won't be able to "throw him out".

 

You may be wise to consult a local attorney.

[BetrayedH]

Find out about a legal eviction and then formally give him a deadline date.

 

As for the kids, if he leaves them for good, that's on him. I'm a BS and I didn't leave my kids. I fought for them.

 

You cheated; it was wrong, and you've paid a heavy price for it. It's not a life sentence.

 

Be generous in the division of assets.

[wanting more]

I'm not worried about division of assets. I have talked to a lawyer and where we leave if would take a lot to prove common law and I don't think he can.

 

I'm not leaving my house and really don't think he'd force it. He just doesn't want to leave. I know even his family would not be behind him fighting to stay and me move the kids.

 

He doesn't have a lot of money, but it's because he's not motivated. He's a very talented guy in his field and could find another job but chooses not too.

[KraftDinner]

There's no way I'd leave if I were the OP. It's her house. Cheating sucks but it doesn't mean you have to end up losing everything.

[wisernow]

Get your stuff and go. You're wasting precious time.

 

Kettle, meet pot.

[Tenacity]

If you aren't married and common law marriage is not met, then you should definitely NOT leave or you may never get him out of there. It's your house. There is no division of equity that applies and if you aren't married the house is yours. Why would you leave? Your having an affair has absolutely nothing to do with it either.

 

I would go the eviction route. Give him a date to be out by.

 

His comment about "if he leaves, he will be leaving the kids too" pretty much chalks up his character.

[BetrayedH]

If those are his children that he threatened to walk away from, I find that incredibly sad and selfish. I hope he is just talking out of his ass because of pain and he doesn't mean it. If they are his kids and he does it, what an *******.

 

I also think if you are serious, you will consult a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are and you will then come back to him with a date as to when he has to be out. Dragging it out, probably isn't doing anyone any favors.

 

If I'm not mistaken, this ain't the first time he's essentially written off the kids. Sad situation.

[wanting more]

It doesn't really matter who takes sides with who. You want to split you wbthe one to go. Anything else is unfair even without your cheating on him. In my example the H owned everything and had all the income. But the wife said you want to split you have to go.

 

If your lawyer says you'd get all the assets anyway I don't see the problem. Move out, sell the house and he has to go before the new owners move in.

 

You're missing my point. I'm NOT leaving. Im NOT moving my kids He can't even afford the house. Im missing what's "not fair"

[Tenacity]

You're missing my point. I'm NOT leaving. Im NOT moving my kids He can't even afford the house. Im missing what's "not fair"

I think perhaps the poster missed the point that you are not married or common law. As such, it's your house and of course for you to leave would be ridiculously foolish.

 

I know you aren't going to do this, but just for sake of argument, many times if you move out of your own house and let someone else live there who has been living there, you may end up in a much bigger legal battle trying to get it back and remove the person. NEVER give up residence of your own residence.

[wanting more]

Thanks. I know it's not good he's still here, there's soooo much tension. The kids have commented to me and each other it would be so much better if he'd leave.

 

I know I've hurt him so much And I have so much guilt because of it, and I do think a lot About if he leaves, he'll be out of the kids life and I know they still need him in their lives. The younger ones are almost teenagers.

[wanting more]

If those are his children that he threatened to walk away from, I find that incredibly sad and selfish. I hope he is just talking out of his ass because of pain and he doesn't mean it. If they are his kids and he does it, what an *******.

 

I also think if you are serious, you will consult a lawyer and find out what your legal rights are and you will then come back to him with a date as to when he has to be out. Dragging it out, probably isn't doing anyone any favors.

 

He has disappeared for a while from them. My younger ones were too young to remember. My oldest one does remember, ONE of the reasons they don't have a very good relationship now. I'm really hoping the younger 2 end up differently

[KraftDinner]

Because it's her house, that she owns. He doesn't own it. OP said he couldn't even afford to live there on his own.

 

I think you should commence eviction, OP.

[Summer Breeze]

I actually said the party that wants out should leave. The cheating isn't necessary. And it isn't just in romantic relationships.

 

But yes the cheating adds insult to injury.

 

It's his home too even if he was just a roommate. If he doesn't want to leave and she wants to split I genuinely think it's up to her to leave. She clearly thinks she has nothing to worry about in a property settlement so what's the problem? A bit of inconvenience actually moving house. Well if you won't do that you're not really serious about leaving IMO. Plenty of people leave without any security they will keep their rightful property. She had security. Seems simple.

 

Look at it from his perspective. Why would he leave? He has nothing to gain by it and seems to not want it.

 

So if I own my home and have a friend stay with me because she's having financial problems or relation ship problems, and I decide it's not working then I'm the one who should leave?

 

As for the issue at hand in the thread. WM owns the house, the kids are going to be staying with her, and he can't afford to keep the property anyway. So should she just sign the house over to him? Leave the evidently family sized place and maintain payments on that AND pay for a new place for she and the kids to live? Then let him lose the property and force her to bankruptcy? I can't find any, any, any logic in that at all.

[Summer Breeze]

If he were a guest or short term paying boarder no. She calls him her SO. They're his kids. Clearly there is at least as much link as long term roommates. She joule out the house for sale, move, and not invite him to come. Or else rent it out to other people and rent elsewhere herself. Should be just about revenue neutral if she would legally get the house anyway. Some moving costs. Small price.

 

Long term roommates don't normally have kids to take into consideration. And if one of them catually possesses the property legally they aren't the ones to move out. I still don't see your logic. If it was joint or if he wanted custody of the kids then fair enough but it isn't and he's made it clear he probably won't see them again.

[wanting more]

If it were just me, I'd maybe leave. But it's not. I have 3 kids who are with me. I'm not going to move them out because HE doesn't want to leave. It's not just my home, it's their home. And as i said, if he were to stay, he can't afford it. He can find a one room place since he said when he leaves me, hes leaving the kids also.

[woinlove]

wanting more, in addition to what you feel is right, this is really a legal issue. In many places an R of 20 years, with children, would qualify as common-law, even if you had been living apart during some periods (such as when you first moved). But these are regional laws, and if you know you are on the right side of the law, and want to pursue your rights, then you can take legal action.

 

If he really has no place to go, do not expect him to simply follow your wishes and go. If he is father to your children, then if you two could work out an arrangement where he does land on his feet, this would probably be beneficial for everyone, including the children.

[wanting more]

In that case you'll have to wait wont you. If I knew him is advise him to keep you waiting as there's nothing in it for him in moving.

 

Well thank goodness you don't know him.

 

I don't understand why you think he should stay in a house he CAN'T afford. That's the most rediculous I've heard.

 

Because I cheated, should I support him because he's lazy???

[wanting more]

wanting more, in addition to what you feel is right, this is really a legal issue. In many places an R of 20 years, with children, would qualify as common-law, even if you had been living apart during some periods (such as when you first moved). But these are regional laws, and if you know you are on the right side of the law, and want to pursue your rights, then you can take legal action.

 

If he really has no place to go, do not expect him to simply follow your wishes and go. If he is father to your children, then if you two could work out an arrangement where he does land on his feet, this would probably be beneficial for everyone, including the children.

 

 

I haven't "kicked" him out yet because I know he doesn't have a place to go. But my house is becoming an unpleasant place for the kids now.

[ComingInHot]

Wantingmore;

I like your user name. In a sense it tells what you are looking for.

But wanting more and taking the proper steps to get more are two different things. I mean that you are going to take what you take until you can't take it anymore*

 

If & when you are truly ready to move forward you will do it. And if getting him out of Your house is the end goal then taking the necassary steps to get there should start now both legally & emotionally.

 

Have you begun the process? If so, what are you doing to prepare?

[Summer Breeze]

In that case you'll have to wait wont you. If I knew him is advise him to keep you waiting as there's nothing in it for him in moving.

 

I'd advise him to grow up and make whatever legal arrangement he's entitled to the most important thing take care of his kids. Advising him to stay puts the kids in an uncomfortable situation and he isn't doing any moving on in his own life. He's as stuck as anyone and I wouldn't advise anyone to do that to themselves out of spite or defiance.