Realist3 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Give him a deadline. A reasonable amount of time for him to make other living arrangements. After that date make sure you change the locks. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Turtles Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Well thank goodness you don't know him. I don't understand why you think he should stay in a house he CAN'T afford. That's the most rediculous I've heard. Because I cheated, should I support him because he's lazy??? Normal hostile divorce tactics... Pressure the other one in leaving gives him more chance to keep the house (or at least use of the house until it sells). I have been in that situation and seen other in that situation - once someone digs in like that they are in for the long haul. It sounds like he won't reason, he is just intent on making your life uncomfortable and use your feeling of guilt after the cheating so that you leave and he gets to stay in YOUR house. It's very calculated and manipulative but it's hard to see it that way when you are in the middle of it (I know, I've been there). It would probably work if you were married, too, but since you are not, I think you should take action ASAP to reclaim your life and evict him. Find out what you need to do or ask a local lawyer and then do it because he aint moving on his own. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
buckeyeblue Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 If it is legally YOUR house, then YOU stay. The fact that he was betrayed does not entitle him to the house. The house is probably important to your children as well. That being said, PLEASE BE SENSITIVE to his feelings right now. Being betrayed is the most painful experience that many BSO and BSs have ever been through. His pain may be impeding his ability to be rational. Also, he might be thinking that you will change your mind if he sticks around. Try having another talk with him. Tell him you know that he is hurting, but the sooner that you separate, the sooner that he can begin healing. After that, I have to agree with some of the posters. You will have to move his stuff out and change the locks. Consult an attorney first to make sure that you won't have any legal issues with this in your jurisdiction. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
Summer Breeze Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 If it is legally YOUR house, then YOU stay. The fact that he was betrayed does not entitle him to the house. The house is probably important to your children as well. That being said, PLEASE BE SENSITIVE to his feelings right now. Being betrayed is the most painful experience that many BSO and BSs have ever been through. His pain may be impeding his ability to be rational. Also, he might be thinking that you will change your mind if he sticks around. Try having another talk with him. Tell him you know that he is hurting, but the sooner that you separate, the sooner that he can begin healing. After that, I have to agree with some of the posters. You will have to move his stuff out and change the locks. Consult an attorney first to make sure that you won't have any legal issues with this in your jurisdiction. I agree completely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I would even go so far as to suggest paying his depsoit and first month's rent. Link to post Share on other sites
buckeyeblue Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 I would even go so far as to suggest paying his depsoit and first month's rent. My humantarian side says "yes" to this, but the attorney in me says, "bad idea". If she is taking the legal position that they are not common law spouses and that she does not owe him anything legally, paying his rent could backfire on her. Also, he could see this as her not really wanting to permanently separate. I really feel for him, being a BS myself, but the best plan for HIM would be to go NC with his dependency (emotional and financial) on her. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 How about just a parting "gift"/ money. Link to post Share on other sites
jwi71 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Because I cheated, should I support him because he's lazy??? You may offer some limited and voluntarily financial relief provided he leaves. This may be the nest option - and put it in writing. Honestly though...my sense is he will claim common-law and have a go at assets. It doesn't matter if he isnt - only that he can file for D as such. The goal, of course, to make it MORE expensive for you so that YOUR lawyer suggests a settlement - as it costs you money, makes the tension go through the roof (except for that smug b_stard) and who knows what else. But hire a lawyer TOMORROW. ASk about: 1) killing his access to YOUR funds ...a) paying HIS bills ...b) dropping joint insurance ...c) and so on, you get the idea 2) Eviction 3) common-law D with your circumstances (he may be able to via some archaic sub-note to a foot note in the back of appendix ZZ.) 4) Custody/visitation Remember - YOU can't make him leave. That's for the law. As hard as it is...smile, grit your teeth and do your best. Be wary of creating confrontation with the kids home or around. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Yes my advice HAS been the same to the BH whose WW is related to me and he agreed. And I've already said the BW I know who owned nothing said to her WH he should be leaving if he wanted a divorce (she would have only stayed until the house was sold in the divorce). All my friends who fell out with long term co-tenants took this approach. I really don't see the issue with it. You can't make someone dump you. But you can always leave. It has nothing to do with gender and it isn't just because she cheated. It's how every separating couple I've ever heard of had operated. The one who wants out leaves. Is that really that foreign to you? Or have you just turned it around because she painted him as nothing more than a leech? She must have once found him more than that. And he is her kids family. So I see no reason to depart from the usual approach. Thats fine if you don't agree. But I think it will be a long slow process if you force him. Because he doesn't own the house, she does. By every standard he is a guest whose presense is no longer desired. She alone is the decision maker in this instance. Suggesting that she leave her own house because she no longer wants him is a baffling line of reasoning. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Wanting more; Could it be possible that your SO is as smart as he is lazy? After reading the comments here about the common law rights of both parties, it is making me wonder. Do you think he's waiting for you to finally "make a move" but has compiled information on his own to get what he can out of the relationship and assets you've gained while with him? I ask this because you come across as intelligent and hardworking so it occurred to me that you would choose a partner along those same lines. I hope I'm wrong for sure but would it be condusive to go through his panty drawer for anything along these lines?* 2 Link to post Share on other sites
stevie_23 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I say there’s no need to pay any money or anything like that. No need to give him half the house if it’s your house and you’ve paid for it and it’s in your name. (unless you’ve been together for more than 2 years I think it is. In Australia, a de facto couple together for more than a certain number of years is treated legally like a married couple with rights to part of any property or money accumulated during the time together.) I don’t really think this is a big issue though. Once he moves on, anything like that can be sorted out. Maybe he thinks because you’re NOT being more forceful with him about moving out and moving on that there might be hope? You mentioned you feel bad that once he leaves, he won’t have anything to do with the kids anymore? And the oldest one even said she wishes he’d just leave? Are they HIS kids too? I get the impression they’re not. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 (edited) Regardless of who signed the lease, to split up the college roommates group the one who wanted out was the one to leave. Sometimes that was the leaseholder. In the example I gave of the married couple the wife had no assets and no income. She said "if you want out then you go" to the husband who owned everything and earned all the income. The property can always be properly divided legally and if she's going to get it all then why care about that process? If you aren't prepared to leave then it can't be that bad. If you really think he go not live with you deeply enough, you'll move. It's a legal issue, not a moral one. This isn't a "lease". It's ownership of property, not a rental. And, there is no legal division of property here at all if they are not married or common law and she holds the title to the house. None. He is a guest in the home. Edited January 22, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 If it is legally YOUR house, then YOU stay. The fact that he was betrayed does not entitle him to the house. The house is probably important to your children as well. That being said, PLEASE BE SENSITIVE to his feelings right now. Being betrayed is the most painful experience that many BSO and BSs have ever been through. His pain may be impeding his ability to be rational. Also, he might be thinking that you will change your mind if he sticks around. Try having another talk with him. Tell him you know that he is hurting, but the sooner that you separate, the sooner that he can begin healing. After that, I have to agree with some of the posters. You will have to move his stuff out and change the locks. Consult an attorney first to make sure that you won't have any legal issues with this in your jurisdiction. EXCELLENT post!!! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Maybe you can have a session with the MC you used and bring it up in that setting. Great idea Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Maybe you can have a session with the MC you used and bring it up in that setting. That is good idea. he (the MC) from the 1st few sessions, suggested my SO move out. He's very angry (yes understandably) but their was violence before (I never thought it would happen again and it hasn't but as I said he's angry and the MC pointed out after a very heated session it may be the best thing) Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 It doesn't really matter who takes sides with who. You want to split you wbthe one to go. Anything else is unfair even without your cheating on him. In my example the H owned everything and had all the income. But the wife said you want to split you have to go. If your lawyer says you'd get all the assets anyway I don't see the problem. Move out, sell the house and he has to go before the new owners move in. The reason I said his family wouldn't support him is because they know ALL the things I have dealt with him over the years. And it's been lots. There was a time when I did leave with the kids, moved in with my mom,I didn't make much money at the time. It was very hard but I did it. He didn't pay me one cent. he went thru some big issues. I didn't bring him to court, I did it on my own. I never asked his family for help but they know what I did for the kids. And then I accepted hed worked thru his issues and we got back together. He did tell his family about my A. In no way did they Down play it or anything like that, but I know his mom told him to just remember ALL the things I'd dealt over the years. That's the reason that I know if he decided to go after me for the house or support and anything like that, even his mom would do her best to talk him out of it. For the kids Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Wanting more; Could it be possible that your SO is as smart as he is lazy? After reading the comments here about the common law rights of both parties, it is making me wonder. Do you think he's waiting for you to finally "make a move" but has compiled information on his own to get what he can out of the relationship and assets you've gained while with him? I ask this because you come across as intelligent and hardworking so it occurred to me that you would choose a partner along those same lines. I hope I'm wrong for sure but would it be condusive to go through his panty drawer for anything along these lines?* He's lazy!!! He wasn't that way years ago. But not long after he moved here (i'd been here a couple years already) I think he figured I'd been doing it on my own that he wasn't going to put much effort on it. The main thing he'd need as proof of common law here is something I know he can't prove. Link to post Share on other sites
Realist3 Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 Seeing as how you had the house two years before he moved in I don't see much of an issue, common law or not. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 As I said before, Im not that concerned about him going after me for material things, I just really didn't want to have a 3rd party person involved on getting him out He's miserable here. I'm miserable. And now the kids are not happy. The thing that holds me back is thinking that he will also move out of their lives, I know that's his decision but I hate, hate the thought of him just gone from them. Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 As I said before, Im not that concerned about him going after me for material things, I just really didn't want to have a 3rd party person involved on getting him out He's miserable here. I'm miserable. And now the kids are not happy. The thing that holds me back is thinking that he will also move out of their lives, I know that's his decision but I hate, hate the thought of him just gone from them. if he's willing and able to make a decision not to be in his children's lives... then he doesn't deserve them anyway. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 As I said before, Im not that concerned about him going after me for material things, I just really didn't want to have a 3rd party person involved on getting him out He's miserable here. I'm miserable. And now the kids are not happy. The thing that holds me back is thinking that he will also move out of their lives, I know that's his decision but I hate, hate the thought of him just gone from them. His moving out of the house is completely separate from his choosing to leave his kids. Moving out of a house does not equate leaving responsibilities of kids in any way. If he abandons his children then you have a whole separate legal issue. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 His moving out of the house is completely separate from his choosing to leave his kids. Moving out of a house does not equate leaving responsibilities of kids in any way. If he abandons his children then you have a whole separate legal issue. I'm really not worried about legal issues with the kids. I've always provided insurance Paid school. Supported them. I can do it financially ( I don't make great money but I do pretty good and my kids don't want for much). I wouldn't even go after him for child support. If he doesnt think he is responsible for their care, I won't force him. I just hate the thought of him not even bring there emotionally. Link to post Share on other sites
Author wanting more Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's just really hard to acknowledge that the man who is thd father of my 3 children can even say he'll be out of their lives. Link to post Share on other sites
Tenacity Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's just really hard to acknowledge that the man who is thd father of my 3 children can even say he'll be out of their lives. I understand.... and he is legally responsible for them, even if he doesn't have a job and you are the only one who does. He's financially responsible for them. To make the statement that he wants to be out of their lives is another thing entirely. It's horrible. (Still doesn't let him out of his responsibility as a parent) 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Lillyfree Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 It's just really hard to acknowledge that the man who is thd father of my 3 children can even say he'll be out of their lives. would that be an empty threat to make you reconsider? or something he says in order to hurt you? even so, it's a despicable thing to do. Link to post Share on other sites
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