To be or not to be Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I would like to hear from the BS/WS on this one. Say your spouse was in more than one affair (not at the same time) and say one started as a short term physical affair but the other was an emotional long term affair. Did the WS show the same signs that alarmed you to think something wasn't right? I'm wondering if the the WS acted any differently because one affair went emotional? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 (edited) WW's often cut off the BH sex to be faithful with her OM. So a short term vs a long term of the BH not hetting laid. All WS's try to avoid rasing suspicions so as to not get caught. Some are better at that then others. Edited January 19, 2013 by road Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I would like to hear from the BS/WS on this one. Say your spouse was in more than one affair (not at the same time) and say one started as a short term physical affair but the other was an emotional long term affair. Did the WS show the same signs that alarmed you to think something wasn't right? I'm wondering if the the WS acted any differently because one affair went emotional? I think it depends on whether or not there was a Dday after the first affair. I think waywards count on the trust of the BS a lot before Dday. They cover their tracks a bit but the affair is somewhat easily discovered if the BS looks for it. But if the WS has been caught once before, they learn not to leave ANY trace of the affair (use a completely different and unknown phone, don't use cars that could be GPS'd and so forth). As for the sex part, my wife was in a LTPA but instead of trying to avoid sex with me to stay "faithful" to her OM, she ramped up the frequency of sex with me eight-fold. It was a very effective way to keep me off the trail because when a man is having frequent sex at home, he tends to think that things are all good. I just thought we had made it from a period of low-sex (due to kids) to the point where her libido had increased (due to hormonal changes at that age). Now just about any significant but unexplained changes would be a red flag for me. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tobeornottobe, Since you are a OW that stopped her affair because the MM wouldn't divorce his wife, why are you asking this question? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tobeornottobe, Since you are a OW that stopped her affair because the MM wouldn't divorce his wife, why are you asking this question? Ah, I suspect it is "She must have known" syndrome. They can never seem to accept that regardless of what "love" he may have shown the OW, things can be perfectly good and normal at home, including sex. Never ceases to amaze me how many OW think that it must be that the BW is in denial (doesn't want to know) when the reality is that the MM is a liar and the BW has no reason to suspect a thing. That's because the MM has no intention of disrupting his home life or leaving his wife. He just likes to have "more," and that includes an OW's vagina. If the MM was so emotionally involved and loves the OW so much, he would move mountains to be with her and everyone would know. But apparently it is easier to believe that such a disproportionate number of BWs have mental disorders that preclude them from seeing the truth. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I would like to hear from the BS/WS on this one. Say your spouse was in more than one affair (not at the same time) and say one started as a short term physical affair but the other was an emotional long term affair. Did the WS show the same signs that alarmed you to think something wasn't right? I'm wondering if the the WS acted any differently because one affair went emotional? Mr. Messy was always messy. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Act Two Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 WW's often cut off the BH sex to be faithful with her OM. So a short term vs a long term of the BH not hetting laid. All WS's try to avoid rasing suspicions so as to not get caught. Some are better at that then others. I did this in my LTEA- over time I sex completely stopped with my STBXH, mainly because, well, I didn't want to and also because I felt loyalty towards OM (twisted, I know). As I became more entrenched and attached to OM, there were huge signs of disruption at home. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Act Two, Thank you for your honesty! Although my H's whole personality changed for the worse, our sex life stayed exactly the same frequentcy during the time he was cheating. Maybe this is a man thing? Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I think it depends on whether or not there was a Dday after the first affair. I think waywards count on the trust of the BS a lot before Dday. They cover their tracks a bit but the affair is somewhat easily discovered if the BS looks for it. But if the WS has been caught once before, they learn not to leave ANY trace of the affair (use a completely different and unknown phone, don't use cars that could be GPS'd and so forth). As for the sex part, my wife was in a LTPA but instead of trying to avoid sex with me to stay "faithful" to her OM, she ramped up the frequency of sex with me eight-fold. It was a very effective way to keep me off the trail because when a man is having frequent sex at home, he tends to think that things are all good. I just thought we had made it from a period of low-sex (due to kids) to the point where her libido had increased (due to hormonal changes at that age). Now just about any significant but unexplained changes would be a red flag for me. Painful for you to hear this. Some WW's get super horny in an affair and use their BH as a dildo because she can't get to the OM as often as she wants. Also some OM play the game if you love me WW, you will not cheat on me with your BH. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tobeornottobe, Since you are a OW that stopped her affair because the MM wouldn't divorce his wife, why are you asking this question? I will answer this, and thanks for pointing out that she is an OW. She wants to know if her OMW was aware of the affair, chose to live in denial, or really clueless. If OMW knew what was going on the why did the OMW not dump her WH so the OW can live happily ever after with her OM. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 OP, can you clarify regarding the long-term affair.... in the example, was it strictly emotional with no physically intimate relations? Link to post Share on other sites
Author To be or not to be Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 I will answer this, and thanks for pointing out that she is an OW. She wants to know if her OMW was aware of the affair, chose to live in denial, or really clueless. If OMW knew what was going on the why did the OMW not dump her WH so the OW can live happily ever after with her OM. Wow! That's not even what my post is asking. I'm wondering what dynamics took place if Any if the WS had two different kinds of affairs. Both are deceitful but did one affair affect things more than the other kind of affair? Link to post Share on other sites
Author To be or not to be Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 Tobeornottobe, Since you are a OW that stopped her affair because the MM wouldn't divorce his wife, why are you asking this question? Yes I have ended things with mm, but you wouldn't believe the questions and things that wonder in my mind. It's just a random question about the subject. Link to post Share on other sites
Author To be or not to be Posted January 19, 2013 Author Share Posted January 19, 2013 Ah, I suspect it is "She must have known" syndrome. They can never seem to accept that regardless of what "love" he may have shown the OW, things can be perfectly good and normal at home, including sex. Never ceases to amaze me how many OW think that it must be that the BW is in denial (doesn't want to know) when the reality is that the MM is a liar and the BW has no reason to suspect a thing. That's because the MM has no intention of disrupting his home life or leaving his wife. He just likes to have "more," and that includes an OW's vagina. If the MM was so emotionally involved and loves the OW so much, he would move mountains to be with her and everyone would know. But apparently it is easier to believe that such a disproportionate number of BWs have mental disorders that preclude them from seeing the truth. I agree with you completely! I know now that most don't leave the marriage. I wish I would have realized that in the beginning. I can't begin to tell you how much LS has helped me open my eyes to a lot that I did not see. It made NC a little more easier for me. However I do have to admit, I have my day where I feel really sick. I'm sticking to my guns tho. "Move mountains" definitely, I use to throw that out there to him but he'd come up with some lame excuse. I even told him that I thought he was using me for validation and as an ego boost lol. Yea he didn't like that too much. Link to post Share on other sites
beenburned Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 There are not many people here that their H's/W's had multiple affairs. My H had 3 ONS for sex only in the early years of our marriage, before he got caught. Like I said before, his whole personality changed for the worse during the whole time he was cheating!(but our sex life did not change) His change was probably guilt over what he was doing, as it was against his personal values/morals. Link to post Share on other sites
flattened Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I did this in my LTEA- over time I sex completely stopped with my STBXH, mainly because, well, I didn't want to and also because I felt loyalty towards OM (twisted, I know). As I became more entrenched and attached to OM, there were huge signs of disruption at home. Yes, over time sex completely stopped with my wife. I felt the same twisted kind of loyalty to the OW. Even after it was over, sex never resumed with my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
BetrayedH Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I agree with you completely! I know now that most don't leave the marriage. I wish I would have realized that in the beginning. I can't begin to tell you how much LS has helped me open my eyes to a lot that I did not see. It made NC a little more easier for me. However I do have to admit, I have my day where I feel really sick. I'm sticking to my guns tho. "Move mountains" definitely, I use to throw that out there to him but he'd come up with some lame excuse. I even told him that I thought he was using me for validation and as an ego boost lol. Yea he didn't like that too much. Sounds like you're coming to a better place. Good for you. I've seen LS help people on all three sides of the triangle and I'm glad you are one of them. I don't think an affair has to define you if you keep making healthier decisions. So keep sticking to your guns! Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts