Did I ruin it?

[Paranoia]

Help, please read my post "What's his deal?".

 

I emailed the guy "Man, I did not appreciate you stopping by like that because you didn't know my name. It seems like I have been making a fool out of myself sending all those emails that had it plastered everywhere. I have never felt more invisible. That was very nice 'His Name'."

 

He didn't come to our mutual friend's birthday invitation and I thought it might be because of me. But then again, he should have come despite my email because she and I are separate individuals and it seemed immature to bail out just because of this. Anyway, after reading some responds to my earlier message...I never thought that he might have made an excuse to stop by...perhaps that could have been a possiblity. Like he was trying to do something nice (giving me the info on the bar) and I totally sent out that nasty email to him. Actually, I was PMSing and was getting uncontrollably irritated when he stopped by without any notice (which is my biggest pet peeves) because he DID NOT know my name. So did I totally blow it? Can there be any redemption after the email that I have sent out above? Would he hate me to death now? I am actually worried because I don't think he's a jerk...just a bit clueless with his actions. HELP!!

[Tony T]

The Email you sent was very mean spirited. I personally would not have attended this mutual friend's party because you were going to be there. I would feel embarassed, hurt, humiliated, angry, depressed, startled, etc.

 

You wrote in your post that he should have come anyway. That's part of your problem. You can't go around saying people SHOULD do anything. Stop trying to read people's minds and quit thinking people should do this or that. People are way too complex and they have feelings. Everybody doesn't think or feel like you do. Thank God for that or there would be some pretty nasty Email flying around everyday.

 

Emails that express intense feelings like the one you wrote are for very long distance relationships where no phone is available. When you have a problem with someone, at least talk to them on the phone and get their side of the story clearly. It's even better is person. Don't jump to conclusions. A lot of people are very bad with names. I am. I often forget even the first names of people I see every day...just for a few minutes. When a person is very nervous, they can just plain forget.

 

The tone of your mail was mean spirited, rude, offensive, and combative. If that's the way you felt, though, don't feel bad. But next time, think before you write. If you got an Email like that from a guy, would you still be excited about pursuing him??? I think NOT.

 

You are going to have to do a lot more than just send an apologetic Email. But send one right away and put APOLOGY in the subject field so he doesn't delete it. This man is not going to be eager to read any more stinging Emails from you.

 

Then somehow you're going to have to show him you're NOT the bxtch your Email might indicate.

 

Next time, instead of sending such an attacking Email, write the guy and let him know how easy it is to forget names sometimes and that you understand. Thank him for stopping by but gibe him your phone number and let him know you prefer that he always calls first to be sure you're at home or that you have time to chat with him. Give him your name again...and tell him to write it on his hand with a ball point so he'll remember. That will show him you are understanding and that you have a sense of humor.

 

I can't believe you would send a communcation like that to someone you are really interested in. That's the kind of Email I would send to somebody I never want to see again in my life...and for all we know at this point, you may not.

 

Don't feel too bad. I have done a lot worse. It's just all part of learning and we never stop doing that.

[Paranoia]

Thank you so much, Tony. Your insight is wonderful and I really appreciate it. The reason I was offended was perhaps...we went out on a date, shared emails everyday for about 2 weeks and then boom, I learn that he doesn't know my last name...which is actually very very easy (I am known for this unique name that people rarely forget) so I never thought that expecting him to at least know my name was a bad thing. But you are right, I was very mean spirited when I sent out that email because I felt that he was going on a date when he dropped by and that hurt my feelings. I was like..he doesn't know my name but he's going on a date with some other woman...so I think I got jealous. Anyway, since I had so many bad relationships in the past, I tend to push people away before anything substantial happens...like I think I was subconsciously pushing this guy away by sending out that email. Yes, I thought that would be the end of him and I was prepared for it. Isn't it sad? It was like a defense mechanism against knowing that he is probably dating other people. I just had to end my emotions somewhere and I think by sending out that email, I was clearing my mind as well.

 

And yes, he was not obligated to come to the party but I thought it was immature if he didn't just because of me. But you are right, who would after receiving such a mean email, right? Anyway, he sent us both (the mutual friend) an email this morning! saying that he was sorry that he couldn't make it and that he was going to buy dinner after our class on Tue. I was like...hmmm...so he's either in denial of my email, or he's not backing out of our friendship. Since I'm so used to scums who play crazy mind games, his reaction was pretty surprising. I never expected him to want to continue being friends with me. I think he freaked out and didn't know what to do with me so he sent out this casual "oh, sorry I missed the party last night, but...". Does this make sense? He could have just sent it our mutual friend alone because it was HER birthday, but he sent it to me as well, which I don't know why. I know that I analyze to much about relationships and that's because I have serious trust issues. But the more I get to know this person...I don't know...I just feel that he's not playing games at all and what I see is what I get. But who knows...he could be a player in disguise. So I don't know what I should do next...should I just wait until Tue, or send out an email to explain why I was upset? I dont' know...my ego somehow tells me to not send him another email for a while though...What should I do?

[Tony T]

I think you just should stop analyaing this so much. You shouldn't do anything right now. You are almost neurotic about this situation. Do you react to everything that happens to you this way???????

 

Just keep your cool. Carry on like a normal human being. Stop making a major case out of everything. Stop seeing every little thing in life as a major crisis.

 

You should still send him a brief Email apologizing for the tone of your previous Email. Make it brief and don't tell him why you sent the nasty Email. Just tell him it was in bad taste, it was rude of you, and you are sorry. That's all, over and out.

 

Then go out with him to dinner Tuesday night and try to be nice, don't be so demanding...if he doesn't remember your name, just don't worry about it. There is no rule of law that he has to remember your name. You can be his good friend if he NEVER remembers your name. Don't place this kind of demand of him. Now, if he asks you out at some point, just tell him the only way you'll go with him is if he will please remember your name. Make a joke about it. Stop taking life so damned seriously because THERE IS NOTHING SERIOUS ABOUT IT. IT GOES BY VERY QUICKLY AND IT ENDS VERY QUICKLY...BEFORE YOU KNOW IT!!!

 

While you are alive, make life as pleasant as possible for yourself and others around you. Give them a reason to love you, not avoid you. Chill out.

 

If you ever marry this guy, he will more easily remember your name because half of it will be his. But it's not likely he will do that until you learn not to take things so seriously, not TO analyze everything that happens before you, not to make like everything in your life is so important....THE ONLY WAY ANY MAN IS GOING TO CARE ABOUT YOU IS IF YOU LEARN TO CHILL OUT AND MAKE LIFE EASY FOR THEM...AND FOR YOU!!!

 

You know, the last thing in the world I would get upset about is if someone didn't know my name. It is just so unimportant. Oh, yes, it's nice if they do...but who cares if they don't? Kill your ego!!! Just call me Mr. X, that's fine. Now if he should call you Barbara when your name is Paranoia, then I would be a little annoyed if I were you.

 

Remember, the key word in your life is CHILL.

[Paranoia]

Tony! You are soooo right! I am such a neurotic freak, thus the name "Paranoia". Haha

 

Yes, I am going crazy on this matter and I know I"m analyzing it too much. I decided to give it a quits. I am getting too exhausted with all this thinking...ahhh the migraine...anyway, I sent out an apology email, though a bit more detailed than you advised. But either way, thanks a lot and I'll wait and see what happens.