Husband said the meanest things...and I can't get over it

[Stillhurting]

I'd really like some advice. My husband and I have been married almost 6 years and have a four year old daughter. We had an amazing relationship when we first got together-really blissful, easy and happy. We got married just three months after we started dating (although we had known each other over a year at that point). I hear people say about their spouses "he just changed after we got married", and I never believe that; I think people just didn't want to see the problem. But in my case, he did change after we got married. He was as sweet and kind as could be, but as soon as he had a ring on my finger, he would say the cruelest things. What was confusing was that the things he said were never said in anger, or during fights. He would say them just in the course of normal conversation.

 

For example: once I was getting out of the shower and as I walked into our bedroom naked, he said "wow, your ass is almost as good as *******'s" ( a former girlfriend who was a triathlete and model). Or he would say that although I was thin, I wasn't toned enough, that I "might be thin but I felt like a veal". He said I was the least attractive girl he had ever dated, but he married me because he loved me. When talking about past relationships, he ALWAYS compared me negatively to them, in every way--intellect, intelligence, looks, ambition, you name it, I didn't measure up.

 

In my own defense, know that I am more highly educated than anyone he'd been with before, and while he has dated some beautiful women (people you have seen on magazine covers) I'm not exactly a dog. At 5'6 and 105 lbs., I certainly didn't qualify as overweight. I'm attractive enough to have done some modeling. I put myself through a top 10 university on scholarships and hard work. I owned my own successful company etc., so I considered myself to be a catch to SOMEONE!! And my husband is a match for me on every one of these levels.

 

I know it sounds crazy, but I never called him on any of it until 6 months into our marriage. Like I said, I actually believed he was just telling me how he really felt because nothing was every said in a mean way or in anger. I didn't think he was saying what he said because he felt in any way inferior to me (he has been successful in everything he undertakes, including being ranked the best in the world in his field of endeavor). So when I finally told him how much his words had hurt me, his response was not to apologize, but to tell me to just "get over it". I was so angry I was ready to divorce him.

 

Three days later, I found out I was pregnant.

 

Long, long story short as possible...we stayed together. He apologized--totally insincerely, then after some couples therapy, with some feeling, but I stayed angry for a long, long time. It still hurts because I don't know why he did what he did. He says he doesn't know why. I gave up my career (which was all consuming in both time and emotion) when I had my daughter, even though it was my PASSION, and even though my carreer (we were in the same industry) was further along than his. I just knew that of the two of us, I would give up my career to care for my daughter, and that he would never give up his career even if it meant losing us.

 

So, here's my problem: I need something from him to get over the pain he caused. In addition to the "I'm sorrys", I want him to be more vocal about what he likes about me. I'm not talking a wierd, constant litany of everything great about me. I just need to know what it is that drew him to me. He's a constant massive workaholic (he works for himself) and I'm totally supportive of him. But I've asked him for the following: that he email me once a month, just an "I love you" note; that he have lunch with me once a month; that he plan a date for us once a month; and that he give me an hour a week to myself. This is all I ask of him. And he is totally incapable of him it to me.

 

Doesn't sound like much, right? Help me out...any ideas on why he would have said such nasty things to me early on? Why he would find it so difficult to give me the things I ask for? He's in therapy right now to deal with "mommy issues" (his mom is a certifiable nut). Have I just become the mommy in his life that he can be mean to to retaliate against his mom? Am I asking for too much?

 

Know that he is an honest, decent, loyal, incredibly hard working person or I'd have dumped him by now.

 

Any insights?

[honey2005]

If any man, even if he was my husband, told me to "just get over" the fact that he was making me feel awful by the hurtful things he said, he would have been out of my life in a heartbeat. All I can advise is to talk to him about how you feel, tell him you want him to start treating you nicer and doing kind things for you, and see what he says. You could also talk to a therapist about him or maybe for yourself and they can help you get over the fact that you think you need something from him.

[rubie]

Sounds like he has some personal issues because he is trying (however unintentionally - or perhaps it is intentionally) to bring you down. Maybe he fears losing you to someone and so he doesn't want you to know how wonderful you are? Sick way of loving you, but sometimes things suck.

 

Bottom line, I don't know exactly what to say here but quite obviously, *YOU'RE* NOT the problem.

 

hugs

[Blah Toolz]

Yeah... it's definitely not you who is the problem here. In my experiences... I've dated some girls that were really beautiful, probably close to a 9 or 10 anywhere you would go, but the one girl who I truly loved the most was probably around a 7 or 8. Anyways... the deeper we became involved, the more and more attractive I found her. I can honestly say that every single day, she became more beautiful in my eyes. If you compared her to anyone else, I could honestly say that I found her more attractive than any other woman alive.

 

What I'm trying to say, is that because I loved her so much... her great body and cute face were amplified tenfold. She became a 99 on a scale of 10 to me. Someone telling you that your ass is almost as good as whatever her name is, is an ass himself. Plain and simple. It sounds like he has some sort of insecurity problems himself, or needs to say these things to build himself up in your eyes... to make it look like he is a catch or something along those lines.

 

When he said those things to you... you should have made something up, or brought up a former lover that you nicknamed "Horse," for obvious reasons. Or told a story about how you fondly remember dating a bodybuilder who felt like a rock everytime you snuggled up against him.

[aFighter]

If I had someone like that and she was doing those things I'd tell her to either shape up or ship out. You've said this and he still hasn't shaped up, can't tell you to ship out though, ye have a kid.

This is a job for a professional. I'm just not qualified to give advise on this one, sorry.

[Stillhurting]

Stillhurting here again. I should have mentioned that he doesn't say anything mean like he used to...he hasn't really since I confronted him on it way back when. Believe me, if that had been ongoing, he would have been castrated and dumped LONG AGO....

[Gala]

As a recovering perfectionist who's spent a lot of time around others with the same issue, I'll say that your husband struggles with his self-image above all else. When someone is in that position, he/she is likely to come out with all kinds of hurtful statements about others. And if he has mother issues, perhaps he was protecting himself against hurt that would come if he lost you.

 

I left academia after completing my doctoral work...in part because everyone was so checked out and miserable. They had these intellectual passions, but in many cases at huge emotional/personal costs. Now, I notice very quickly if someone is workaholic -- and I understand pretty quickly what that person's emotional limitations will be.

 

It sounds like your perspective on life may have shifted a little since you walked away from your career. But obviously you've had to drive yourself pretty hard to achieve what you have.

 

The resuts of therapy can take some time to show up, and it is a gamble to depend on therapy to change the relationship. As far as the things you've been asking for, maybe concentrate on 1 or 2 rather than a larger set? You don't sound like you're ready to leave. But if you're not getting what you want from him, maybe distance yourself a bit. If your husband is working that hard, obviously you're putting a lot into helping him run his life. Why should you do that if you're not getting what you need?

[KaiaMahina]

Know that he is an honest, decent, loyal, incredibly hard working person or I'd have dumped him by now.

 

Oh, he's honest alright. Painfully honest about what he considers your "shortcomings." And loyal, but apparently not to you. Incredibly hardworking? At making you miserable.

 

Since when is a woman judged by how her "ass" compares to someone else's? He has the gall to tell you you the "least attractive" woman he's ever dated, but he married you because he "loves" you? Does he have any concept that if you LOVE someone, you don't say such things to her? Or even think them? What's all this rating how people look anyway?!

 

You then try to mitigate his poor opinion of you by explaining that you are not overweight or unattractive. That you're successful and have even modeled. If you were dog ugly and had never accomplished a damn thing, you don't have to put up with s**t like that from any so-called "man." In other words, if you were unattractive or overweight, it would be okay for him to talk to you like this? Baloney!

 

Whatever his issues are, he has no right to inflict them on you. Problems with mommy? Talk to mommy about them. If he was indeed a better person before he married you, perhaps it was simply a trap set to draw a captive audience into his barrage of mean-spirited rubbish.

 

I feel particularly sorry for your daughter. What girl needs a father who will (directly or indirectly) teach her that her self-worth lies in how her ass is shaped? And that it's fine for a man to talk to a woman the way that he talks to you?

 

I hope that you get what you need from him at some point. You have more good-hearted faith in him that I ever would. There's nothing he could say or do that would be enough to make me "get over it."

[Gala]

Something else I've noticed about insecure people who drive themselves...they expect a lot of others, and may try to foster competition. As KaiaMahina has pointed out, this can show up in how their children are raised...and when views/stereotypes of women are involved the results can be really sad. A man I was seeing earlier this year was dealing with the aftermath of a divorce, and was trying to figure out why both his daughters had lost confidence at the outset of their adolescence when they'd been go-getters up to that point. He knew that they were contemptuous of their mother's insistence on wearing sexy, attention-getting clothes, and was trying to figure out the dynamic. The longer I dated him, the more certain I became that he'd made his wife insecure about how she compared to other women for a long time. I thought he'd gotten things figured out enough to change his behavior, but this proved untrue. He is very competitive and very hard-driving, and even harder on himself than on others. This, however, does not make for a good partner.