Confused, and having second thoughts about engagements..

[pduck]

I proposed to my fiance earlier this year and we are planning to get married next year summer. We have been dating for the past three years and our relationship has been great with a few minor bumps. Two months after the engagement, for some reason I began to have doubt about my decision of getting married. Nothing bad has happend between us, I just begin to develop some doubts and fear about the whole thing. I was so confused because I was not expecting this to occur at all. I had some discussion with her about this and we almost broke up. Things kind of calmed down for me for a few months and we continued our wedding planning. However, I am again having this feeling of doubt and fear about the engagement recently again.

 

After a few soul searching on my own, I realiezd that perhaps one of the reason I am having doubt is because our backgrounds are very different. I consider myself to be some what traditional and I always thought I would date and marry someone more traditional in my culture (chinese). While she is more westernized and we don't really share that much of the culture aspect that I value. Since I am studying my masters degree in school. Sometimes I would look at some of my female friends who fits that culture profile and wonder if I am making a mistake. Also sometimes I wonder if this is the right timing for me to get married...

 

Is this experience normal for guys who is engaged the first time? So far I can't think of anything that I do not like about my fiance that would make me to simply call this off without hesitation. But at the same time, at times I have mix feelings about this.

[katie79]

Nah. It's understandable that you feel this way. Statistics say most people marry people with the same backgrounds, but that's not saying ALL couples follow this statistic. If you are truly in love with her, marry her. But if that nagging thought keeps coming back, maybe you should take a day to evaluate if this is what you want. It sounds like perhaps your love is not strong enough to outweigh the "background matters." Everyone deserves to find someone they have always wanted to marry. You are going against listening to your values. Dishonesty towards yourself. I don't know your gf, but maybe this doesn't even cross her mind. Her values could be "who cares, as long as you love them" and yours might be "I want to get married, but I feel more attracted, in love, and comfortable with someone who shares the same background as I do." And there's nothing wrong with having values for yourself and what you want in a wife. Your feeling of "not being ready" is due to your doubt of two different cultural backgrounds meshing well together. That's what it is. When people are in love and have no doubts about their partner, they are ready. Trust me. If this keeps bothering you, and you are so unsure (remember marriage is for life!), then break off the engagement. Better sooner than later since you are making wedding plans and you are loosing money, signing your life away on contracts (legal stuff), and giving her the flase belief that your feelings on this have passed and are buried. The longer you wait, the more hurt she'll feel and if you keep waiting, you'll have a whole wedding planned waiting for you to attend and wind up not showing up! I hope you find the right lady one day!