glace10 Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Hi its my first time posting here, and i was hoping for some answers/insights/opinions about my situation. It has been a month since my ex boyfriend broke up with me. We started hanging out mid september and started officially dating by november 23rd. After a month he started drifting away, being and distant, especially through text. So i told him that i can feel theres something bothering him and thsi was our conversation through text. Me: i know theres something bothering you, but i cant seem to tell what it is. Could you tell me whats wrong? ExBF: im just struggling with the commitment of an actual relationship again among other things. Me: okay so do you need space? ExBF: i dont really belive in "space", i think its either youre together or not. Me: okay then, talk to me again once you figure that out. ExBF: okay so, i thought it was gonna take him a few days like a week to think things through, but no. He texted me the next day saying he wants to continue the relationship and he said "i really do like you so i think its worth it". I told him why didnt he think about this before asking me to be official and he said sorry. I mean at the beginning of the relationship he was the one who was really eager to be in a relationship with me, and when i gave in he drifted away. He goes to university and doesnt have a job. He lives 45 minutes away from me so he had to drive quite far. Anyways, back to the story, when he told me he wanted to continue the relationship i felt like it wasnt genuine and he was just forced to say it.So the conversation that led to our break up went like this. Me: alright, but im just putting it out there that if youre not ready i would understand. I am not pushing you away, im telling you what i really feel because if you decide later, to tell you frankly i would get hurt more. Honestly i would want you to tell me sooner than later ExBF: i know i dont want to hurt you at all but maybe youre right and we should just end it now... not saying that we would be over in the future or anything >.< I am terrible at this. Me: i figured i knew it was coming ExBF: im really sorry i know you must hate me now after half an hour ExBF: I never wanted to hurt you And we never talked at all since. He hasnt deleted me off of facebook too, we still have each other as friends, does this means he doesnt even care about me being on his facebook at all? It was his birthday yesterday, but i didnt greet him and his status didnt sound like he had fun on his birthday at all. My question is, do you guys think that my ex boyfriend still wants to get back with me in the future? or he was just being nice during the break up? Do you think it sounds like he had someone else? I have been doing no contact ever since the break up, never pleaded or begged him to get back together. He also is doing no contact Link to post Share on other sites
Ariella1984 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Hi glace, Sorry to hear about your pain. I am also dealing with an ex who has commitment issues. Bravo on your end, I think you handled this with much dignity. You are doing the right thing with No Contact - keep it up. As for whether or not he will come back, only time will tell. We can't write the end of the story. All you do know is that at this point in time, he is struggling with committing and giving you what you deserve. You are doing the right thing by backing off, it gives him time to think about things clearly and also the time to miss you. Use this time for yourself as well, do decide if he is really what YOU want. Do you want to be with someone who would second guess being with you? Stay strong Xoxo Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) How old is he? He sounds very wishy washy and flaky. Sounds like the typical emotionally unavailable guy: doesn't want to commit, but doesn't want to lose you either. So he figures he can keep up the facade of a relationship/commitment, in order to continue with the companionship and sex. Good thing you saw the red flag and called him out on it. He would've strung you along for months otherwise. My advice to you about commitment phobes and emotionally unavailable men is: do not give them a second chance. They will never change. Not with you anyway. They will change with some other chick, sure. Ironically, she wouldn't be as nice to him as you have been.. Oh well, don't even try to understand an emotionally unavailable man. None of it makes any sense... Just thank your lucky stars that you figured him out before it was too late. Edited January 20, 2013 by NoMoreJerks Link to post Share on other sites
youngnlove89 Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 What is this non commitment week?!?! What the heck! There must be a virus going around that men are catching, maybe women too. Lately, this seems to be a popular issue on LS. Goodness sakes. Glad I'm not the only one! Read my past posts, lots of good info in the comments that you will for surely gain from!! Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Whatever he's doing is irrelevant. He said he's not sure about being with you. You want someone who's sure and ready to be in a committed relationship. He's not that guy right now, and if you wait around while he waffles between wanting to commit you will waste a lot of emotional energy and effort that can be invested in someone who is ready for a committed relationship. I recommend staying NC, this includes you cease checking his facebook (it will just make the separating process worse and longer trust me). Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
Author glace10 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 you guys are all right! sometimes i think im over him and i dont wanna go back at all, but sometimes i get lonely and remember ll the good things we had and start to miss him . Also one thing thats holding me back is his statement "not saying we would be over in the future" @nomorejeks, he is 20 and hes like the type of guy who just stays home and plays video games and watch tv we never had sex, i told him to wait and he said he could do it, that he will hold back with me. Although we did other stuff, just no sex. THANK YOU ALL FOR YOUR ANSWERS!!! THEY HAVE HELPED ME REALIZE STUFF. Link to post Share on other sites
meeji Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 Men Who Can't Love | Thriftbooks Used Books This one is a another good read by the same author. He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships | Thriftbooks Used Books I agree with everyone's comments. I am in this situation now so I have been trying to get a grip on reality these past couple of days. Walking away is hard when you're hanging on to memories but you have to remind yourself that 1: Nothing you can or could have done would have changed the outcome and 2: You need to think about what is RIGHT NOW and best for you. Potential is just potential until someone does something with it. Forget about it. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
NoMoreJerks Posted January 20, 2013 Share Posted January 20, 2013 (edited) @nomorejeks, he is 20 and hes like the type of guy who just stays home and plays video games and watch tv Mine too, and he was 40. He didn't want to talk to me on the phone or on Skype, even though he had nothing pressing to do in the evenings..... I just was not a priority for him, even in his spare time. Truth is hard to face sometimes but we have to. I was just a fall-back girl that he wanted to spend time with, whenever he FELT LIKE IT. He told me that he didn't want to think about me all the time. And that when he was at home, he just wanted to watch his favorite TV shows and youtube videos and get stoned.. OK.... he can get as high as he wants and watch all the TV shows that he wants, now that he has all the space in the world.... Some people like to live life on their own. The sad thing is that since he's 40 and worried about his looks , and feeling unattractive, he's eventually gonna panic and settle for some chick who's gonna play him like a billiard ball and rip his heart out and leave him for a younger guy... or he's gonna be one of those old pathetic unattractive British dudes who settle down in Thailand, settle into a lifestyle of alcoholism and picking up as many STDs as they possibly can -- the ones who pick a new Thai prostitute every night ,and carry her home like some sort of object he just bought from the supermarket. Great life.... Some people don't attach much value to what they had, until after they lose it, and by then, it's too late. Considering the kind of messed up person my ex turned out to be, I should probably be thanking my lucky stars... I may have dodged a bullet myself, though I was clearly unlucky enough to have met him and fallen for him in the first place. Edited January 20, 2013 by NoMoreJerks Link to post Share on other sites
Author glace10 Posted January 20, 2013 Author Share Posted January 20, 2013 @nomorejerks im sorry to hear about your pain, well i think you have moved on and im really glad you have!! your story is so much like mine. One time i asked him as a joke "i bet if you were to pick between your tv shows and me, you would pick them" and this is what he said "yeah somethin like that". Also he forgot to greet me on my birthday, everyone told me to break it off with him but i didnt because i tried to understand that he is a guy and not good in remembering dates. we also never talked on the phone, i didnt mind because i told him im not so much of the call person. Link to post Share on other sites
Almond_Joy Posted January 22, 2013 Share Posted January 22, 2013 Men Who Can't Love | Thriftbooks Used Books This one is a another good read by the same author. He's Scared, She's Scared: Understanding the Hidden Fears That Sabotage Your Relationships | Thriftbooks Used Books I agree with everyone's comments. I am in this situation now so I have been trying to get a grip on reality these past couple of days. Walking away is hard when you're hanging on to memories but you have to remind yourself that 1: Nothing you can or could have done would have changed the outcome and 2: You need to think about what is RIGHT NOW and best for you. Potential is just potential until someone does something with it. Forget about it. Ha!, I read the same book after a waffler ex broke my heart. Was a real-eye opener and sealed the lid on my recovery. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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