What's with the attitude?

[Holly]

I am having a difficult time trying to mend my warped views towards relationships. Until October last year I was living with my now ex-boyfriend of two years and I think I am scarred by him for life. I was devastated when we separated, but now I realize how much he took me for granted, and manipulated me into thinking I was to blame for all of our problems.

 

My problem is that I cannot get close to anyone new. I go through men like wet paper towels. I don't sleep with them of anything like that. It's stupid but I seize up with fear at any moment when I think I might be getting close, or showing that I may remotely care about someone.

 

All I ever see and hear around me is people having relationship problems, and frankly it depresses me. All my life I have been hurt by the opposite sex, and I can't understand where people find the strength to go through it again and again. I don't see how its worth it.

 

I was always paying our bills and stuff because my ex never had any money. I feel like he used me and then left when I had nothing left to offer him. Anyhow, I met someone around Christmas time who I know will treat me right. The problem is that he doesn't have a very promising future ahead of him. I'm scared to get close to him because I know I could love him, and I'm getting to the age now that I'm looking for someone with a good education or career goals.

 

I have dated people with potentially good lives ahead of them, but they always seem to act like morons in the long run. I am a very ambitious person accademically, and I find it difficult to accept when I meet a great person and they seem to think they have all the time in the world to make a life for themselves.

 

Do I sound closed-minded or snobby? I would really appreciate some feedback on my attitude and my situation. Any comments?

[kiey]

I understand how you feel, I've been hurt by men my whole life too, however, you have to trust your instincts. I'm not advising you to jump into a relationship blind, but just take your time and don't commit yourself completely to a relationship unless you're absolutely certain that he's who you want to be with. I shyed away from guys for almost three years. I was scared to love and get hurt. I took my chances with my boyfriend and we've been together for four years. Of course there's ups and downs but you just have to bear with it if you think it is worth it. I guess what I'm trying to say is BE CAREFUL and TAKE YOUR TIME.

I am having a difficult time trying to mend my warped views towards relationships. Until October last year I was living with my now ex-boyfriend of two years and I think I am scarred by him for life. I was devastated when we separated, but now I realize how much he took me for granted, and manipulated me into thinking I was to blame for all of our problems.

 

My problem is that I cannot get close to anyone new. I go through men like wet paper towels. I don't sleep with them of anything like that. It's stupid but I seize up with fear at any moment when I think I might be getting close, or showing that I may remotely care about someone. All I ever see and hear around me is people having relationship problems, and frankly it depresses me. All my life I have been hurt by the opposite sex, and I can't understand where people find the strength to go through it again and again. I don't see how its worth it. I was always paying our bills and stuff because my ex never had any money. I feel like he used me and then left when I had nothing left to offer him. Anyhow, I met someone around Christmas time who I know will treat me right. The problem is that he doesn't have a very promising future ahead of him. I'm scared to get close to him because I know I could love him, and I'm getting to the age now that I'm looking for someone with a good education or career goals. I have dated people with potentially good lives ahead of them, but they always seem to act like morons in the long run. I am a very ambitious person accademically, and I find it difficult to accept when I meet a great person and they seem to think they have all the time in the world to make a life for themselves.

 

Do I sound closed-minded or snobby? I would really appreciate some feedback on my attitude and my situation. Any comments?

[Ryan]

What you seem to be doing is noticing trends in your subconscious choice of men, and that in itself is really an effect. You see, the relationships we develop in life are greatly influenced by the initial "template" relationships we learn early in life, usually parents and family. You might reflect on your interaction and see what might be common.

 

Another thing....you just ended a very long relationship fairly recently. It is important to take some time for YOURSELF afterward so you can activate some hindsight to better understand what does and doesn't work in a relationship. A me-time buffer gives you room to cope and recover from the breakup AND become more adapted for your next relationships.

[Dan]

Hi Holly,

 

Yes, I agree with the other responder that perhaps you need some time with yourself to regather your inner strength. You sound very hurt still by your last relationship, as evidenced by not being able to get close to any of these several men you keep meeting. Relax, take things slow, spend some time by yourself and heal your wounds.

 

I'm quite curious why you say the men you have dated with 'potentially good lives' ahead of them act like morons? I think I fall in the former category but I hope you wouldn't lump me into the latter! Do you say this out of some frustration? Is it possible that these men could be good for you if you would give them more of a chance? (Then again maybe they are moronic.)

 

You also mention in the end that you can't accept these "great people" that seem to have all the time in the world to make a life for themselves. Apparently you don't feel this way. Are you preoccupied with the idea that YOU will not get married, have kids and live happily ever after? Are you jealous that you don't share their attitude, and it turns you off so much that you have to push them away? These people sound great to me.

 

I am having a difficult time trying to mend my warped views towards relationships. Until October last year I was living with my now ex-boyfriend of two years and I think I am scarred by him for life. I was devastated when we separated, but now I realize how much he took me for granted, and manipulated me into thinking I was to blame for all of our problems.

 

My problem is that I cannot get close to anyone new. I go through men like wet paper towels. I don't sleep with them of anything like that. It's stupid but I seize up with fear at any moment when I think I might be getting close, or showing that I may remotely care about someone. All I ever see and hear around me is people having relationship problems, and frankly it depresses me. All my life I have been hurt by the opposite sex, and I can't understand where people find the strength to go through it again and again. I don't see how its worth it. I was always paying our bills and stuff because my ex never had any money. I feel like he used me and then left when I had nothing left to offer him. Anyhow, I met someone around Christmas time who I know will treat me right. The problem is that he doesn't have a very promising future ahead of him. I'm scared to get close to him because I know I could love him, and I'm getting to the age now that I'm looking for someone with a good education or career goals. I have dated people with potentially good lives ahead of them, but they always seem to act like morons in the long run. I am a very ambitious person accademically, and I find it difficult to accept when I meet a great person and they seem to think they have all the time in the world to make a life for themselves.

 

Do I sound closed-minded or snobby? I would really appreciate some feedback on my attitude and my situation. Any comments?

[Holly]

Hi Dan,

 

It seems we are both insomniacs because we are both posting notes on this website late at night. Anyhow, thank you for your posting. I thought I might respond to the few questions you asked.

 

Primarily, I agree that I need time to heal myself from the last relationship I just got out of. (Thank you Ryan also) I find it difficult to deal with being single right now, because my ex takes every chance he can to flaunt his new girlfriend in my face. (By the way, they began dating a month after we separated.) I just wish that I could be as free spirited as he is because I feel like I'm doing enough hurting for the both of us.

 

Everytime he finds out where I am going for the night from mutual friends, he shows up with "her", out of pure coincidence of course. This would be an example of the moronic behaviour I was describing in my posting! Another example would be the sheer arrogance of intelligent men boasting endlessly about how smart they are. I tend to stem towards being modest rather than purely conceited!

 

Moreover, you mentioned my preoccupation with not finding the "happily ever after lifestyle". I know I will meet my soul mate someday. I meant that it upsets me to meet an incredibly kind person who has no goals to strive for in his life. (Such as an education).

 

Perhaps I do wish I could be more carefree with my attitude. I have had many rough times during my life with family and such, which I believe has forced me to grow up too fast. I know that I have to make a life for myself because nobody else will take care of me forever.

 

At times I find it difficult to follw my heart in life with regards to the choices I make. Maybe I do need to start being less logical about my life and start enjoying what time I have left being young.

Hi Holly, Yes, I agree with the other responder that perhaps you need some time with yourself to regather your inner strength. You sound very hurt still by your last relationship, as evidenced by not being able to get close to any of these several men you keep meeting. Relax, take things slow, spend some time by yourself and heal your wounds.

 

I'm quite curious why you say the men you have dated with 'potentially good lives' ahead of them act like morons? I think I fall in the former category but I hope you wouldn't lump me into the latter! Do you say this out of some frustration? Is it possible that these men could be good for you if you would give them more of a chance? (Then again maybe they are moronic.) You also mention in the end that you can't accept these "great people" that seem to have all the time in the world to make a life for themselves. Apparently you don't feel this way. Are you preoccupied with the idea that YOU will not get married, have kids and live happily ever after? Are you jealous that you don't share their attitude, and it turns you off so much that you have to push them away? These people sound great to me.

[Dan]

Good morning Holly,

 

I'm a grad. student, so of course I never sleep :-). Thanks for replying (and your welcome for the response).

 

I'd like to ask a few more questions because I'm not quite understanding everything here.

 

It does sound like your old boyfriend is being purposefully mean (does he have some reason to get back at you, or is it part of his personality perhaps?). You have my sympathy. It surely is difficult to break up when you have mutual friends and keep running into each other. It also must suck that he (at least on the outside) seems to be happily dating someone else, and you feel like it is hard to move on now. Did he invest equally into the relationship you both shared in your opinion?

 

I'm actually quite amazed how many people are just blowing with the wind and don't have any long-term goals. I don't really understand this. Maybe it's the simple fact that there's no immediate gratification...

 

It's funny how in both your messages now, the things you said last raised by eyebrows the most. You say you are very logical about your life. I have a strong tendency for being logical myself because my work and studies require me to be logical. It is only recently (6 months) that I have been rediscovering the pleasure of: an occasional impulsive act, taking the long, scenic route home, driving 50 miles just to see the ocean even though I "didn't have time"...you get the idea. For me, it's like the rebirth of an old friend (my emotional side) inside of me.

 

Anyways, I might be blabbering now. I'm sure you will meet your soulmate one day. I wish you peace and a little luck.

 

Dan

Hi Dan, It seems we are both insomniacs because we are both posting notes on this website late at night. Anyhow, thank you for your posting. I thought I might respond to the few questions you asked. Primarily, I agree that I need time to heal myself from the last relationship I just got out of. (Thank you Ryan also) I find it difficult to deal with being single right now, because my ex takes every chance he can to flaunt his new girlfriend in my face. (By the way, they began dating a month after we separated.) I just wish that I could be as free spirited as he is because I feel like I'm doing enough hurting for the both of us. Everytime he finds out where I am going for the night from mutual friends, he shows up with "her", out of pure coincidence of course. This would be an example of the moronic behaviour I was describing in my posting! Another example would be the sheer arrogance of intelligent men boasting endlessly about how smart they are. I tend to stem towards being modest rather than purely conceited! Moreover, you mentioned my preoccupation with not finding the "happily ever after lifestyle". I know I will meet my soul mate someday. I meant that it upsets me to meet an incredibly kind person who has no goals to strive for in his life. (Such as an education).

 

Perhaps I do wish I could be more carefree with my attitude. I have had many rough times during my life with family and such, which I believe has forced me to grow up too fast. I know that I have to make a life for myself because nobody else will take care of me forever. At times I find it difficult to follw my heart in life with regards to the choices I make. Maybe I do need to start being less logical about my life and start enjoying what time I have left being young.

[Holly]

Hi again Dan;

 

Thank you for your understanding. You're right, it is very difficult to have mutual friends like we do (my best friend's boyfirend lives with him). I introduced him to all of my friends and now I'm stuck in the middle like this. I do agree that he is trying to be a jerk because he's mad I broke up with him. I believe he enjoys seeing me suffer for that reason.

 

He blamed me for everything, nonetheless he found no problem with acting like he was a single man when our friends went out to a bar one night. He is very stubborn and told me that I had no reason to be mad. He said I should have asked him to stop if I was bothered by his behaviour.WHATEVER!!! Um...excuse me, but would you like to stop cheating on me? The worst part about it was I believed him and actually wanted him back again. This is an example of the manipulation I went through. I am usually a very confident person. But, after listening to things like this for two years, I really doubted myself.

 

I have never seen the ocean. I have always wanted to see it. If I ever feel bad I love to sit on the beach and think about things. (I live in the Great Lakes area). I love the water. It has a calming effect on me somehow, and I seem to clear my head much easier. It's winter here though, so I try to avoid the cold as much as possible.

 

Well, I must be going. I have classes now, and I'm late as usual!!! Thanks for responding to my note Dan!

 

Holly

Good morning Holly, I'm a grad. student, so of course I never sleep :-). Thanks for replying (and your welcome for the response). I'd like to ask a few more questions because I'm not quite understanding everything here.

 

It does sound like your old boyfriend is being purposefully mean (does he have some reason to get back at you, or is it part of his personality perhaps?). You have my sympathy. It surely is difficult to break up when you have mutual friends and keep running into each other. It also must suck that he (at least on the outside) seems to be happily dating someone else, and you feel like it is hard to move on now. Did he invest equally into the relationship you both shared in your opinion? I'm actually quite amazed how many people are just blowing with the wind and don't have any long-term goals. I don't really understand this. Maybe it's the simple fact that there's no immediate gratification... It's funny how in both your messages now, the things you said last raised by eyebrows the most. You say you are very logical about your life. I have a strong tendency for being logical myself because my work and studies require me to be logical. It is only recently (6 months) that I have been rediscovering the pleasure of: an occasional impulsive act, taking the long, scenic route home, driving 50 miles just to see the ocean even though I "didn't have time"...you get the idea. For me, it's like the rebirth of an old friend (my emotional side) inside of me. Anyways, I might be blabbering now. I'm sure you will meet your soulmate one day. I wish you peace and a little luck. Dan

[Dan]

Hi Holly,

 

Sorry to make you late for class. (I am a bad influence on you. :-) )

 

I lived the first 22 years of my life living about a mile from the beach here in So. Cal.. I hope to never be far from it. I love the bike rides on the trails, the volleyball games on the sand, the women in their bikinis, the water carrying you on your boogie (surf) board, bbq's at night...I could go on...

 

Now that you have shared a love problem with me, let me ask you for some advice. (Is that ok? If not, then you don't have to respond.)

 

My main problem is my shyness and lack of confidence/experience around women. It's funny because I'm very confident about myself when it comes to my career, and in most other areas of my life, but when it comes to my love life, it's in the dumps. I've dedicated the last few years studying in grad. school, and my life has revolved around it. Now, these days, now that I'm getting close to finishing, I have more time for other things and I want to go out and meet lots of women. But I'm out of practice (if I ever was in practice). Any ideas about what I can do to meet more women (places to go, ways to change my behavior,etc...)?

 

Have a good week, and I hope things are going well for you.

 

Dan

[Holly]

Hey Dan:

 

Thanks for the response. I would have gotten back to you sooner but this winter weather has been taken its toll on me. I seem to catch every flu bug on earth.

 

What I wouldn't give to have warm weather and sandy beaches all year round like you have. I live in Ontario and it is only warm here for about four months and then its back to winter jackets and snow boots. I think the only thing I would ever miss about Canada is the skiing we have up here. Its absolutely wonderful!

 

Anyhow, with response to your question about how you should introduce yourself back into the world after hybernating for such a long time. I would suggest joining some co-ed sports teams. Perhaps volleyball or baseball would interest you. There are also activities that you could get involved with at your school. There are always organizations that would be happy to get an extra helping hand.

 

I don't know what you're looking for in a women, but meeting people from school would give you an idea that they have ambition, intelligence and are going somewhere with their lives.

 

I do have one large suggestion for you to think about. I would suggest that you boost your confidence with regards to your love life. Try not to concentrate on how little you have dated in the past few years. Instead, concentrate on all the good things you would have to offer somebody else if you were in a realtionship.

 

I've also found that you meet people when you are least expecting it, so try not to rush into anything. I hope I've helped you out and good luck.

 

Holly

Hi Holly, Sorry to make you late for class. (I am a bad influence on you. :-) ) I lived the first 22 years of my life living about a mile from the beach here in So. Cal.. I hope to never be far from it. I love the bike rides on the trails, the volleyball games on the sand, the women in their bikinis, the water carrying you on your boogie (surf) board, bbq's at night...I could go on... Now that you have shared a love problem with me, let me ask you for some advice. (Is that ok? If not, then you don't have to respond.) My main problem is my shyness and lack of confidence/experience around women. It's funny because I'm very confident about myself when it comes to my career, and in most other areas of my life, but when it comes to my love life, it's in the dumps. I've dedicated the last few years studying in grad. school, and my life has revolved around it. Now, these days, now that I'm getting close to finishing, I have more time for other things and I want to go out and meet lots of women. But I'm out of practice (if I ever was in practice). Any ideas about what I can do to meet more women (places to go, ways to change my behavior,etc...)?

 

Have a good week, and I hope things are going well for you.

 

Dan

[Dan]

Hi Holly,

 

I would've responded sooner, but it's been one of those weeks. I was in a car accident a couple weeks ago, and I have no car right now, so life has been challenging, to say the least.

 

So Canada has good skiing does it? I went skiing a few weeks ago, but I'm sure it is nothing like up there. Down here it's probably at least 60% artificial snow these days, since it hasn't been raining as much as usual so far this year.

 

I like and appreciate your suggestions for me Holly. Yes, clearly I feel inadequate in approaching women and my self-confidence is low in this area. Focusing on what I have to offer is a great suggestion.

 

I want to make a change. At school, I participate in group conseling, and have been for about a year, to try to work on my intimacy issues. I think it has help a lot so far, but I'm still not the me I want others to see. I don't think I'm too picky in my choice of women, I just think I'm not meeting the ones suitable for me because they too tend not to speak up in a crowd.

 

I understand your other message too. Just get out of hibernation mode, start doing new and old favorite things, and you will meet others, and perhaps love, or at least good friendships, will follow.

 

I used to be really involved in church. I hope to be involved again some day. Since moving here (Riverside,CA), I haven't found a church I feel at home at, and I have done a little looking.

 

Don't get me wrong, my life overall is very good. Things are going well for me. But I realize I'm slowly getting older, and I feel like this is the time to go out have fun, and meet people (especially women).

 

Thanks again, and I hope you are over the flu by now. (think warm chicken soup)

 

Dan