Cheating or Simply Chatting?

[Rosie]

When my husband updated his chat program, I discovered it for the first time. On a "Buddy list" were names like "Moanie Moanie" "HotBlonde21" and "Babe469." After recently learning of his frequenting of porn sites on the internet and learning to live with that, I was very upset to realize there was another substantial bump in the road of our relationship. He claims it wasn't what I thought, that he only spoke to one woman--out of the 15 or so on the list--and he often spoke of me to her, but given the aforementioned names and no denial from him, I know that it often involved sex. I said that I didn't care how little or great the sexual involvement, he was seeking out other woman to talk to, to open up with sexually, etc., and that bringing another woman into our personal life was breaking the rule about "forsaking all others."

 

He deleted the chat program and promised not to do it again, even though he didn't see why I was so upset because he thought it was such a small thing. I am trying to forgive him. The biggest problem now is that though I am nice to him, he doesn't see why I am still upset--this just happened 4 days ago--and is angry when I don't want to kiss him or I shy away from his touch, saying I am giving him "come here, go away" vibes. Believe me, I am being very nice--much nicer than I feel like being--and I am trying so hard to get past this. But I am having trouble; I feel like he cheated on me and I feel like he cheapened what we have by bringing in a third--maybe a fourth or fifth--into what should be a sex life between only the two of us. Please advise....also, I will show your response to my husband, whatever it be, so that we can have another route to go down for our next unhappy discussion.

[Tony T]

Both of you need to resolve this immediately as mature adults.

 

The fact is that men have a new toy that has come on the scene gradually over the last six or seven years...the Internet. It's a new tool that can be used for executing various fantasies and playing with people's heads in what they feel is a harmless way.

 

Just because a man is married and flirts on the Internet in chatrooms and with Emails doesn't mean he doesn't love you very much. It's just something new that men were not able to experience when they were younger because the Internet wasn't around. It's sort of an experimentation thing.

 

There are many sides to this situation. I think your husband should be trusted and deserves privacy regarding what he does on the Internet, who he talks to, etc. Rationally, it would seem much safer for you if he does his flirting online rather than leave home and do it person to person. On the other hand, now that you are aware of his antics, it would be highly disrespectful for him to continue this activity knowing that it hurts you.

 

I truly feel your what your husband was doing was harmless. Flirting on the Internet is as much entertainment as reading a novel. Many married women read novels and fantasize all to hell and their husband's don't complain. My own personal opinion is that this activity, continuing over a protracted period of time, can lead to other things, hurt feelings, crumbling marriages, etc. So in the short term, it may be harmless but, like most anything, too much can become a serious problem.

 

Your husband needs to find suitable substitutes for his use of the computer. If he does not seek intellectual stimulation from legitimate websites, then the two of you need to interact more meaningfully in your relationship. He also needs to find friends and activities away from the relationship that he can enjoy. Space is very important.

 

You need to learn to trust your husband and to stay out of his personal business. Just because you are married to someone does not give you the right to go through all of his things. If you do stumble onto something accidentally, unless it is critical I don't feel it is proper to question it. I think your discovery that he was flirting with someone on the Internet is probably something you should have questioned him about but you should also accept his explanation. I don't consider this activity as cheating unless he was actually having cybersex with these ladies and planning to meet them in person.

 

Perhaps you intervened at the right time, before these acitivities intensified. I don't know.

 

If you go to the links page of this site, you will find information in the addictions and recovery section about sexual addiction. There may be some information there than may be of help.

 

Of all the things I have read regarding this subject, nothing positive has been written about men in committed relationships having flirtative exchanges with other women over the Internet.

 

There is just no way of telling what effect it would have on your marriage if he continued to talk to women in chatrooms, and in Email...but I don't think anything positive would come from it.

 

You also need to explore if this activity signals boredom in the marriage or is a symptom of other deeper problems that need addressing. Becoming bored in a marriage or taking one's partner for granted after a time is not unusual and should not be criticized. It is no reflection on you personally but rather more a part of the human condition. It's just one of those things that happens and that needs to be worked on.

 

Nature just programmed humans to become excited about new things, new people, etc. That's why marriage takes a lot of work and committment.

 

Don't put your husband down about this. Work with him to get through it.

[Ed]

In one corner - The Husband - Utilizing the Personal Computer for sexual stimulation.

 

In the other corner - The Wife - discovering this and feeling cheated by this multipurpose appliance.

 

Ding! Ding! The match is on.

 

It is hard for us humans, as sexual beings, to deal with all of the potential sources of sexual stimulation that are available these days. The PC/Internet is just one of many other toys that people can use to satisfy their urges for sexual stimulation. These devices, themselves, are of no threat to anyone. And when used in the proper context and to the proper extent can be very healthy for one's sexual life. But they can also be very destructive.

 

To the Wife:

 

You already know (and have dealt with?) the fact that your husband has viewed pornography on the Internet, most men have. I don't consider that to be harmful, unless it becomes an obsession. And I know what you are thinking, "If he wants to see someone naked, why not me!?". And that's a legitimate question. What you have to realize is that some men are frustrated by there needs for sexual stimulation and the fact that most women don't like sex as much as they do or in the same ways that they do. Often, what men find stimulating, women find degrading. If he can't poke you in a hole you don't want to be poked, see you donning some gaudy apparel or exchange in seemingly vulgar conversations then he at least wants to see or hear SOMEBODY doing it. Don't be intimidated by that. I'm not saying that you should give in to his every whim (people can fantasize about some raunchy stuff that should never be done). Viewing pornography and talking dirty to strangers is not cheating. However, if he is consumed by it or if it diminishes the intimacy between the two of you, then there is a problem.

 

To the Husband:

 

Your wife feels cheated on, even though technically you haven't. She needs to know that you are attracted to her. Viewing pornography and conversing with strangers is a threat to her self-esteem. She probably feels that you are sharing something with others that should be reserved for her. You know what you want and you know what you like. You don't have to go to the internet to get it. Talk to her about it. I know it's kind of scary telling someone face to face about your inner desires. We are all afraid of being rejected by something we like, are or do. Try not to be too threatening with your suggestions. You may already realize that you and your wife have different desires and neither she nor anyone else will ever fulfill ALL your needs. So quit chasing it! We all want satisfaction out of life, sexual and otherwise. But none of us will ever have all we want.

 

To both of you:

 

Talk about this. Don't be surprised if learn something about the other you did not know before. Be kind and nonjudgmental of each other. You will both have to give in to some extent. That's part of what marriage is all about.

[nani]

Hi ed, i had never read such kind of text before.

 

it sounds so nice and very rich.

 

especially, which you wrote for "both of you"

 

i fill somebody is speaking out of my soul.

 

i hope with this text, you had saved two people

 

bye

[Deejette]

I would feel like hell if my husband or even boyfriend were corresponding with HotBlonde and others. I do think this is cheating and would not be as forgiving about it as the guys above. Maybe it is because I am female. But just picture if the tables were turned and you were flirting with BlondeToyBoy over the wires.

 

What would be the purpose of your flirtation? It would be to have a verbal affair with someone other than your husband, with a possibility of a sexual encounter. I do not think this is as harmless.

In one corner - The Husband - Utilizing the Personal Computer for sexual stimulation. In the other corner - The Wife - discovering this and feeling cheated by this multipurpose appliance. Ding! Ding! The match is on. It is hard for us humans, as sexual beings, to deal with all of the potential sources of sexual stimulation that are available these days. The PC/Internet is just one of many other toys that people can use to satisfy their urges for sexual stimulation. These devices, themselves, are of no threat to anyone. And when used in the proper context and to the proper extent can be very healthy for one's sexual life. But they can also be very destructive. To the Wife: You already know (and have dealt with?) the fact that your husband has viewed pornography on the Internet, most men have. I don't consider that to be harmful, unless it becomes an obsession. And I know what you are thinking, "If he wants to see someone naked, why not me!?". And that's a legitimate question. What you have to realize is that some men are frustrated by there needs for sexual stimulation and the fact that most women don't like sex as much as they do or in the same ways that they do. Often, what men find stimulating, women find degrading. If he can't poke you in a hole you don't want to be poked, see you donning some gaudy apparel or exchange in seemingly vulgar conversations then he at least wants to see or hear SOMEBODY doing it. Don't be intimidated by that. I'm not saying that you should give in to his every whim (people can fantasize about some raunchy stuff that should never be done). Viewing pornography and talking dirty to strangers is not cheating. However, if he is consumed by it or if it diminishes the intimacy between the two of you, then there is a problem.

 

To the Husband: Your wife feels cheated on, even though technically you haven't. She needs to know that you are attracted to her. Viewing pornography and conversing with strangers is a threat to her self-esteem. She probably feels that you are sharing something with others that should be reserved for her. You know what you want and you know what you like. You don't have to go to the internet to get it. Talk to her about it. I know it's kind of scary telling someone face to face about your inner desires. We are all afraid of being rejected by something we like, are or do. Try not to be too threatening with your suggestions. You may already realize that you and your wife have different desires and neither she nor anyone else will ever fulfill ALL your needs. So quit chasing it! We all want satisfaction out of life, sexual and otherwise. But none of us will ever have all we want. To both of you: Talk about this. Don't be surprised if learn something about the other you did not know before. Be kind and nonjudgmental of each other. You will both have to give in to some extent. That's part of what marriage is all about.