Why would someone do this???

[Mount]

Not all, but thx for the suggestion though. But what is spider woman? Opposite gender of spider man in Cartoon?

 

As even more unhealthy. That's low self esteem, and some issues with boundaries and unhealthy competition.

 

In my neck of the woods, we call them spider women.

 

But this is off topic for the poster. If you wish to discuss you again- start another thread.

[Lue]

Well, it's hard. My mom died 3 months ago so I can't really lay this on my sister or father. They know some of what's going on (he met them so I had to tell them why we broke up a week and a half later). And three years ago I moved here from my hometown, which is 9 hours away. So I do have some friends here and they know what's going on and have been checking on me. But they are my age, and they have never been through this or known anyone close whos been through this. So they don't have a lot of perspective

[Decorative]

Not all, but thx for the suggestion though. But what is spider woman? Opposite gender of spider man in Cartoon?

 

I explained it. And the behavior.

 

Please stop threadjacking.

[LadyRecovery]

It's just so devastating to me...and I feel like I'm somehow at fault. For trusting him, for still loving him, for secretly nourishing this hope that he'll leave her and choose me. And I agree on both parts- he is troubled. He knows that too- he starts counseling on thurs. As for the entitlement thing...I hadn't thought of it that way but last week when I said to him that I understood the need he has to never let anyone down and how that probably was affecting his decision making he vehemently said "don't I deserve some happiness too! Don't I deserve attention and love?". So you're probably right...

 

How do I get past this? I feel ashamed and betrayed and heartbroken. And I'm the other woman (even if I didn't know it) so no one really cares. I feel very expendable. Plus, I'm 33. I want to get married and have a family, and I want that deep connection and intimacy I felt with him. But if it was difficult for me to let someone in before...it just feels impossible now.

 

You are NOT at fault. I understand the hurt of not knowing he's married, finding out, and being devastated. However, I went from a victim to a volunteer. I did not end things. Now it's killing me and I'm getting myself out. I nourish the same hope, that MM will choose me. However, what would I get? A man who was married over 30 years with a huge history of cheating? I am in love with the IDEA of who I thought he was. Not who he really is. I hope you can separate the two as well. Cake eaters are the worst kind. Especially when we don't know they are M. I'm so glad you told his BS. That took a lot of courage and shows great integrity on your part. I'm 45, single, no kids. I understand wanting a family. Just not with the MM. My Mr. Right is really only Mr. Right Now. It's taken some pretty good reality checks from the wonderful people on LS to shock me back into reality. For that, I am ever grateful.

 

 

A man who hides that he is married is the lowest of the low and I just hope and pray that you can see that very soon. He faked everything with you, inside knowing that he was a fake, that what he was doing was a fake. Ask yourself what kind of person can carry that level of deception. If you can think clearer, you will see that it's a person, that has some deep seated issues and possibly a sociopath. I'm sorry......I know how much you want to believe that the good things he presented to you are true, but they are not. What he did to you is evil! He took away your right to choose, to decide if you wanted to be the ow or not. Please, please get pissed off and see how outrageous and cruel and cowardly he is.

 

You are in love in who he pretended to be, not who he really is, please keep this in mind. Know the difference.

 

 

PS........I once wore very similar shoes and xmm lied to me about being separated.

 

Well said. You are SPOT on!

 

Why do I think he's a catch? That's a very very good question...

 

I guess because I feel something I've never felt for anyone before now. And I didn't know it was possible to love someone the way I loved him. And because I'm afraid no one will ever love me that way or make me feel that again. And because I enjoyed every second of every minute we were together.

 

I guess it's also because he treated me like his wife; or like I always thought men should treat their wives. He was sweet and affectionate; he'd bring me dinner and rub my back when I had cramps. The 6 weeks I was gone he didnt just watch my house- he cleaned it from top to bottom. He changed the smoke detectors and installed a carbon monoxide detector. He went grocery shopping and made sure my freshly cleaned fridge was stocked with my favorite foods. And he did these things without any hinting or prompting. He did them because he cared for me, even if he's a mess and his love for me was dysfunctional

 

See the bolded parts. I understand and can relate to this. For me, I have to love this MM enough to let him go and hope he's the good guy I think he really is. I hope he will work on his M and do the right thing. Only time will tell. Anyway, there are so many other men out there. There is so much more to life and finding love again. I know it hurts now, leaves so many doubts, feelings of betrayal, lonliness, and isolation. This will pass. You have your integrity intact and that is tremendous. I wish I could say the same. Keep posting here and let these amazing people help you through this. ((hugs))

[Mount]

Come on Pierre, are you living in La La land. You can say anyone is nobody, so what? Only you hear yourself, believe in yourself, no one else does.

 

My banking account number is up to their level yet.

 

No, don't say that. The Kardasians are a bunch of nobodys. You have much more than that.

[promises]

Hi Lue- sorry you are going through this. I know you gave him a time frame to decide what he wants. It sounds like he didn't give you the same respect prior to getting your mind/body/soul involved with him.

 

I'm also sorry for the loss of your mother. Hang in their girl.

[Lue]

I am 33 years old

[Lue]

Maybe that's part of the problem though, isn't it? Because I do that too- I only show those parts of me that I want others too see. Or that I think others expect to see. So I understand it and that makes me think I understand him. And then he tells me that I understand and know him better than anyone else ever has.

 

Truth be told, I bet if our therapists met and talked over our files there would probably be a lot of similarities. I don't have an issue with lying or hurting people, but I bet we have a lot of the same issues and motivators. Which even I can tell is a really really really unhealthy combination

[Tenacity]

I don't have an issue with lying or hurting people

 

That's kind of a major distinction though, don't you think?

 

Would you have done something like this to him? The answer is no.

 

I understand your pain, but please don't justify his actions or try to relate to him.

[Lue]

No, it definitely is. He told me a lot about his childhood and I was able to verify it independently as well...I think he craves affection and love. I don't doubt that he loved me; I briefly saw him last week and he looked the way I felt. Too thin, pale, haggard...it wouldn't be fakeable. He looked like a man with a broken heart. So I am sure he loves me and I'm sure he wasn't expecting the text I sent him and is upset. But ultimately, deep down inside, I know what I want. And that is to be in a healthy mutually loving and exclusive relationship with a man who understands my flaws and chooses to help me heal them instead of exploiting them. And- with our mutual needs for love and validation the only relationship we could have would be a very unhappy one. If I stay around and put up enough of a fuss maybe he will leave his wife. And then we'd get married because we were "high" off of each other and probably bring a child into this mess...and that would be the worst thing we could ever do

[promises]

I'm very worried for her.

This guy is the worst of the worst.

 

 

I agree. I almost feel like she should physically remove herself from the area for awhile just to be removed from him. He is a con.

[Lue]

Quite possibly. Honestly, I don't know. I've never cheated on anyone before so I can't really tell you. I can tell you that he looked awful and that I didn't doubt his sincerity. But...to be perfectly honest...I coincidence engineered the meeting last week. I had to go to the store to get my phone fixed and I knew he worked there; just in the offices in the back. And I made sure that he knew I was going to be there. At the time I felt like I needed closure- maybe I did the wrong thing in breaking it off without speaking to him. Maybe if I saw him and we talked he'd leave her. And of course, my showing up was all the permission he needed. Bad idea.

 

I don't think he'll contact me again. And if he does, I know the deal. I get it a little more now than I did today at 6pm. I know that we aren't well and that the reason it feels so good when we're together is because we are like heroin addicts together. He is my drug and I am his. And we can't do this. Or at least- I can't do this. Besides, I gave him an ultimatum yesterday because I didn't see any progression or timeline. And because when I said the words out loud in my therapists office it sounded really wrong. And the answer he gave me on the phone wasnt what I had hoped to hear...and then he told me he'd talk to me on Mon because his wife was still monitoring his phone. So yes, I am done. I think the bargaining phase actually happened last week.

[promises]

He'll contact you again. Count on it.

[Lue]

Really Pierre??? Because to me, that just seems really cruel to her. I told her the truth in a letter and I know she got it. And I attached the letter to the card he gave me when my mother died. He put it all in the card- how much he missed me, that he loved me, that I was amazing , etc. She's seen all of it. I don't want to cause her any pain and honestly her marriage is her own concern. I think my first instinct to tell the truth and remove myself from the situation was the best course of action- the error I made was to let myself start to get reeled back in and to let my need for his love and attention start to cloud my judgement

[freestyle]

Lue---first off, I'm very sorry to hear about your mother's recent passing.

 

My condolences to you.

 

It may be a factor in your vulnerability right now, too---Processing all of the emotional fallout from losing a parent can be overwhelming, especially when it's in the initial stages.

 

Reading a story like yours, really gets my hackles up--

 

I agree with the other posters, anyone capable of that level of deception is NOT healthy to be around.

 

He's either deliberately devious, & self-serving,

OR

He's not living in the same zip code as Reality.

 

 

Whichever it is, the former, or the latter---it's a gigantic waving red banner, complete with an air raid siren.

 

The vulnerable state you're in right now might tempt you to play, "The Rescuer". Don't fall into that trap, it IS a trap.

 

Another red flag I picked up from reading your story, was your description of him sweeping you off your feet, right out of the gate.

 

While that can come across as romantic--it's an illusion. At best, it's indicative of a reckless, & impulsive nature.

 

At worst, it's conniving way to get someone 'hooked' in. Manipulation, in other words. Do a google search on "Love Bombing" as done by emotional manipulators......... It can be very eye-opening.

 

Please take good care of YOU right now, Lue.

[Lue]

It was strange; it really seemed sincere. But of course it wasnt.

 

He did use my mother's illness to play on my vulnerability. About a week after we had sex the first time and I had to go home to VA to be with her, I kept apologizing for being such a burden early on in a relationship. And he went into this big thing about how I was going to need to be surrounded by love and support and that as soon as I told him about her cancer he thought to himself "I want to be that person". And that was probably true- because who wouldn't unconditionally love someone who stood by them while their mother was dying. And he needs unconditional love to feel good.

 

 

Now that I think about the love-bombing thing, there was another big sign. I asked him about a month ago when he knew he loved me and he told me on our second date when he came to my house and he met my dog. But the last time we made love, he whispered in my ear "I knew I loved you that first night I saw you at the bar". Our first date was for drinks at the bar- he came to my house on the second date. I think if you could remember that moment you fell in love with someone you wouldn't get it confused. But it was like he knew when we were having sex that if he said that he would get the desired response

[Decorative]

Did you send the letter to his wife and require her signature?

 

I would bet she doesn't know. Unless you have contacted her in a way he could not intercept- don't be so sure.

[Lue]

I know she got it because I went to their house on a day that I knew he was at work and she was home and I gave it to her grandmother. Who was adorable and motherly and made me feel even more awful. And then, my friend Jim went to the store about 2 hours later to tell him that he didnt like what he was doing with me, he was told that MM had to leave for a family emergency. I bet it was!

 

Then, that night I sent him a goodbye message. And he responded to it viciously- that he was emasculated and a prisoner in his home and things had hit nuclear level. And that he was worthless and this was all his fault. And that's what got me back in- I kept thinking about that and feeling bad that he was so upset. So I arranged the cute meet at the store to see if he was upset about the breakup of his marriage or losing me. And of course, without any prompting he said he was destroyed by losing me. We are sick

[Decorative]

I know she got it because I went to their house on a day that I knew he was at work and she was home and I gave it to her grandmother. Who was adorable and motherly and made me feel even more awful. And then, my friend Jim went to the store about 2 hours later to tell him that he didnt like what he was doing with me, he was told that MM had to leave for a family emergency. I bet it was!

 

Then, that night I sent him a goodbye message. And he responded to it viciously- that he was emasculated and a prisoner in his home and things had hit nuclear level. And that he was worthless and this was all his fault. And that's what got me back in- I kept thinking about that and feeling bad that he was so upset. So I arranged the cute meet at the store to see if he was upset about the breakup of his marriage or losing me. And of course, without any prompting he said he was destroyed by losing me. We are sick

 

Ah. Okay. So you are sure. Thanks for clarifying.

[freestyle]

So, he played the victim when confronted.

 

"Poor me, poor me..feel sorry for meeee"

 

 

It's emotional sleight of hand, don't fall for it.

 

His poor wife.

 

Lue--I think you dodged a bullet.

[Lue]

All of you were correct...all of you. He's a sociopath. I read about it online and everything fits. And he's been lying to me all week too. I went to Facebook and his wife's profile is now unlocked (hmmm...I wonder why I couldn't view it before). Clearly he's talking out of both sides of his mouth- her page is full of inspirational posts from the past few days. And there's a post from today about the dinner the two of them went on last night. So literally 3 hours after I cried to him on the phone and gave him an ultimatum where he swore to me he wanted to leave her- he went on a date with her. And I bet they held hands and I bet he rubbed her knee while he drove and I bet they went home and had sex and he told her that he was so sorry and that she was the other half of his soul.

 

What a piece of work!

[Lue]

I feel sick now- just sick.

[Tenacity]

I feel sick now- just sick.

 

It's okay, Lue. He did this TO you. You never asked for it.

 

Don't let this define you.

 

Be glad you found out about his true character before you lost years of your life to him, and chalk it up as a learning experience. You find out more about yourself during these things... as painful as they are.

 

You are SO MUCH better than this. I'm so glad you are getting out relatively early. You have your whole life before you!

[Decorative]

It's okay, Lue. He did this TO you. You never asked for it.

 

Don't let this define you.

 

Be glad you found out about his true character before you lost years of your life to him, and chalk it up as a learning experience. You find out more about yourself during these things... as painful as they are.

 

You are SO MUCH better than this. I'm so glad you are getting out relatively early. You have your whole life before you!

 

Tenacity is wise. Memorize her words. Be this. Know this. You will be okay- this will get so much better.

[whichwayisup]

His loss, not yours. Really..it..is.

He's a REAL PIECE OF SH.T to have led you on like that.

 

You know he's a liar and a very good one at that. He manipulates so well and could win an Oscar for his acting abilities.

 

You fell for someone who put on a show. That person he was with you is greatly exaggerated and was on his best behaviour. He's SCUM.

 

Sorry he hurt you. I hope you can grieve the loss and never look back.

 

I feel like there is a teeny tinsy chance he will leave her.

 

Get rid of that bit of hope. He isn't leaving. And even if he does, you'll never be able to trust him again.

 

He isn't worth trying to figure out, but I do understand you need to ask lots of questions, as to the why's and how's of all this and how someone who is married could KNOWINGLY lead you on like he did. Azzhole, big time.